Writer's Block

I know, I know. I've hardly posted this month. I'm not sure what's going on with me, maybe it's writer's block.

It's not like I don't have things going on. Heck, with a 4 and a half month old, there is always something going on.

But lately, I've just not been in the writing mood. You know how it usually is, writing blog posts in my head, thinking about what to post, how to phrase things. Feeling the need to get things off my chest, to document, to share.

But lately, meh. I'm not feeling like writing. Nothing about posting passing through my mind while I'm in the shower. I'm just lathering, rinsing, repeating in there.

I dunno. I'm hoping it will change, that I'll get the spark back. Maybe I need to force myself a bit, foster the spark. I have been keeping up with all y'all, that has not changed. I'm just feeling quiet I guess? I dunno. It is weird.

Stuffs

The weekend with my mom went fairly well. A bit of a disaster on Saturday, which frankly, I don't even feel like rehashing here, suffice to say I was annoyed Saturday night, and Sunday was good. We had my mom, her boyfriend (??? such an odd title for him, they've been together for 20 years), my brother, SIL and niece over for dinner. My mom cam e early to hang with the Critter, and it was good, She fed her a bottle, and they smiled and laughed together. It was nice.

The weather was warm (hooray!) so we grilled, and everything turned out really well. I love that, when a new meal comes together so nicely. We made the lamb recipe from the new Bon Appet.it mag (the Gwyneth issue), along with the cucumber salad - all very good. If you like lamb, give it a try. So all in all a good weekend, aside from some early drama. Good weekend, I'm just gonna stick with that.

As for my Auntie who I thought was visiting me last week, well, I'm not so sure what's going on down there. Thank you to everyone who commented on their AF visits post-partum. It sounds like things vary person to person. As for me, I still just have super-light spotting, not every day, for the last week. It's weird. I'm not really too worried about it, its not like I need these parts of my body to work anymore.

Other than those fun tidbits, life is just moving along here. Taking long walks with the Critter when its warm, hitting the gym when its not. She's still not rolling over, she is so-so-so close, but just won't do it. Well, she did it twice last week, but not again. Who knows, I think she may be a touch lazy. Unlike anyone I know in this house (cough, cough). :)

Long lost relative?

Is it her? Could it be?

I think Aunt Flo is thinking of knocking on my cervix, and coming to stay for a few days.

To all you breastfeeding ladies out there, when did you get AF back after birth? Were you still Bfing? Did it affect your milk output? I'm still BFing 3 times a day, and it seems to be going well still. I was hoping to keep it up for about another month or so, but is my body telling me otherwise?

I had spotting yesterday, bright red spotting. It totally took me by surprise. It has been so long since AF came to town, since Jan 2010. Well, not counting the lochia-post-partum fun. I had to see if I even had tampons in the house.

But things have slowed, and no spotting this morning. Is this normal? Was that a period? I think not, but who the hell knows, in this post-partum new world for my body. Anything could be possible at this point, given all the weird body experiences I've had in the past year.

So I'm asking you, oh wise internets. What the hell is going on here? Share your stories about AF after birth and breastfeeding.

ho-hum

We're still here. Nothing of much interest is going on...nothing much of interest to post about. Which is sort of nice.

Last week the weather was warm, so me and the Critter Girl got out for walks every day. And she got sunglasses, and she tolerates them! I'm really surprised, she doesn't touch them, or try to rip them off (like she does with hats, which apparently are evil). And the funniest part, and best part from a mom's point of view, is she seems to think the world gets suddenly, inexplicably, dark, and goes to sleep. Perfect.

Of course, then it was 40* and rainy all weekend, so no more sunglasses. Hopefully it will warm up again soon.

My mom is coming to town this weekend. I'm hopeful it will go better than when my dad and stepmom came a few weeks back. Geez, it can't get much worse, right?

That's about it. Ho-hum boring around here. Which I'm loving.

Tough Day

Poor little Critter Girl. Yesterday was a tough day. The day before that was not much fun either.

Monday she had her 4 month check-up and shots. Check-up was fine (although she cried a lot when the doc tried to examine her) but the shots! Ugh, they are awful. Her little thighs are all bruised.

And yesterday she had her first fever. While this is normal after getting shots, she didn't have this at her 2 month shots, so I wasn't fully expecting it. Poor little girl, she was so tired all day yesterday, she honestly slept most of the day. But after I gave her Tyl.en.ol, she would perk up a bit. She did smile at me throughout, feeling sick or not, which was super-sweet.

Today is much better, she is back to herself. But it totally broke my heart, to see her feeling sick. Her first time sick. I need to get used to this I guess. She will get sick again, so they tell me. I sure hope not.

4 months old

Wow! 4 months old today, Critter Girl! You endured your 4-month checkup and shots yesterday, and we are both glad it's over. You cried a lot, and your thighs are bruised from the shots. But you are all smiles this morning, so I think you (and Mommy too) will be ok.

You weigh 13 lbs 4.5 oz now, and have moved down to the 50%ile for weight. No longer the chunky monkey! You are 24.5 inches (2 feet tall!) which is 75%ile, and head circumference also at 75%ile. Growing well, little girl! Keep up the good work.

These days you are a chatty little girl. You have found your voice over the last month, and you like to chat with Mommy. We take turns talking, and you like to talk loudly! Your favorite sounds are "aaah-gooo!" and "oooh-aaah!" which I'm sure both mean "I love Mommy!"

You are thisclose to being able to roll over. You have figured out the lower half but aren't quite sure how to get your upper half to move too. It is so cute watching you figure it out, and you make new progress most days.

Everything is in your mouth these days. You love to take everything and anything, grab it and try to put it in your wide-open mouth. You get very frustrated (along with really cute complaining noises) when you can't fit large toys - the size of your head! - in your mouth. You look at me like, "Why?? Why won't it fit??" It makes me laugh, and feel bad for you too. You want it in your mouth so badly. You also love to play "Zombie Baby" with Daddy and me, trying to eat our fingers. You've been chomping down with your gums more, which makes me wonder if teeth are close.

You began really laughing this month, and it is the sweetest thing. We get lots of smiles every day, it is the brightest part of any day. Who needs caffeine when I have your bright gummy smile to give me a jolt?

We love you, little Critter Girl! Happy 4 months!!

Mother's Day

Oh, Mother's Day. You are such a strange holiday to me now. You symbolize so much to me, you are the marker of many different things in my life, all rolled up into one Spring day.

For many years, for most of my life really, Mother's Day was about my mom. About doing something nice for her, like making her a card when I was young, or cooking her dinner in my teenage years, to just a few years back sending her a plant she still has (go green thumb Mom!). It was about honoring and thanking her, a giving holiday.

Then I tried to become a mom. And Mother's Day became the hated holiday, the painful, gloating holiday that rubbed in my face all the things I desperately wanted but could not easily have. It became a jealous, envious, sad holiday.

Last year on Mother's Day I had my first beta (side rant here - WTF is any IVF clinic in their right mind having people doing first betas on Mother's Day?? I mean really, don't they know how loaded this day already is for IFers? Such a bad idea...). Luckily, thankfully, happily for me, I found out for sure I had a chance, my best chance yet, of becoming a mom. That Mother's Day became about hope, about lights at the end of long, dark tunnels.

And today? Today is my first official Mother's Day as a mom myself. I feel like I've won a big prize, I've won the medal after years of loss. Mother's Day now is a reflective holiday, one that makes me look back and really acknowledge the battle of becoming a mom. It's a happy day, sure, but more so, it is a day of reflection. Looking back on my life, at my mom, at my struggles to become a mom, at my friends who are still struggling, and most importantly at my daughter.

The circle of life, all rolled up into one Spring day.

More Puddles

Here are some more things that leave my heart in a giant puddle on the floor (the orally fixated edition):

~ The Critter's yawns. First off, I sniff her yawns - is that weird? I also do this to my cat, I just love her tuna-y breath. Anyway, the Critter's has milky sweet yawns and I just love them! And I get to see her gums (see below) and the sound she makes when she yawns, oooh! It's the most innocent, sweet sort of gaspy, sighy sort of noise. I will occasionally hear her on the monitor do a yawn, ans it breaks my heart every time.

~ The Critter's gums. Oh my lord, how in the world is there anything cuter than this girl's gums? I know, it sounds weird, but seeing her little pink horseshoe gum line is just the sweetest thing in the world. And maybe I love them so much because I get to really see them when she yawns (see above) and when she laughs and smiles (see below). But they are so cute just on their own too. Love my little gummy bear!

~ A baby's laughter. I know, it should say the Critter's laughter specifically, but really, I just love to hear any baby laugh. Yes, I have been known to watch You.Tube videos of babies laughing (and cute cats too) for many hours of wasted time. And the Critter does not disappoint. You can't help but laugh right along with her. And given I will do just about any crazy movement or silly sound to get her to laugh, it is a good stress release for both of us.

Big Day

Today was a big day.

I left the Critter Girl with strangers for the first time today.

OK, I just read that, and it sounds like I just dropped her at the bus stop with some randoms or something. No! I mean that I used the daycare at my gym today for the first time. Which feels like a very big deal.

The Critter and I have been attending classes together, like Mommy&Me yoga and Infant Massage. Which has been fun, and a good way to begin getting my post-partum fat ass moving again. But hitting the gym, where I spent a lot of time prior to getting pregnant, has not been done. My gym is great, they have everything you could want, it's more than a gym really. And they have daycare.

Yes, I have been apart from the Critter before. Mr. P and I had a date night a few weeks back, and I've been on my own for appointments to the doctor, dentist and hair colorist. But all of those times, she's been with family, either Mr. P or my MIL. Leaving her with people I don't know - that's a big thing.

So last week when we were there for Infant Massage, I got the Critter Girl registered (she got her own gym membership card! how cute!) and toured the daycare. They have a special room for the infants/pre-walkers and only take 6 kids at once. Seemed relaxed and nice. So I worked up the courage and signed the Critter up for an hour.

I'll admit it here - I was nervous. I had anxiety dreams last night about leaving her. Even if it was only for an hour, and even if I'd still be in the same building as her. And they could contact me with one of those buzzers that buzz, like when your table's ready at a busy chain restaurant. But I was still nervous.

When I dropped her off, I sort of got a little choked up. Seriously. I'm standing there in my work-out clothes, all ready to go, but not wanting to leave her. I think the ladies that work there thought I was nuts. But I was a big girl, took a deep breath and left her. I did my elliptical, and did a good long stretch (does anyone else's hips hurt like hell after childbirth? ouch.) And I may have gone back a few minutes early to get the Critter Girl.

And you know what? She was fine. Totally fine. Hung out and napped in the swing they have, had her diaper changed and was playing with one of the ladies. Happy as a clam. I think she may have done better than me.

Big day. Especially for Mommy.