And so it begins...again

Got my positive OPK on Xmas eve. Got my more official calendar on Sunday. Ordered my meds this morning.

I'd say, it's officially ON!

To bring y'all up to date (and considering you are not in my head, and since I haven't been posting at all, how else would you know??), this is what I am hoping is my last stim cycle. IVF number 4. A freeze-all cycle. This is also a new protocol for me, an estrogen priming protocol. An antagonist protocol, which is also new for me. We're hoping to get 1 or 2 more blasts, to add to our frozen blast family of Chilly Willy and Frozen Frannie. Who are genetically normal 3BB blasts. And will be transferred this spring after 2 months of depot lu.pron to treat a protein deficiency in my lining.

I'm feeling ready, I think it really helps me mentally to know this is the last time I'll be doing this. Hopefully forever. I am not fan of stims, they really make me feel like crapola - I feel my ovaries like 4 days into stims, they ache with every step. So while I'm hoping for a better stim response this time, I dread the full-of-eggs feeling. But I just keep thinking, "It's the last time, you can get through this" and I feel better.

I've made some of my travel plans to get to the far away clinic. I'm flying this time - driving in January is not an option. Booked a car, and am comparing rates for the hotel I liked last time. Will book everything by the end of the week. This is really happening!

But in an effort to stay present, I have NYE to contend with first. Mr. P & I have hosted friends for NYE for the past 5-ish years. In the past, I've cooked formal dinners - like prime rib, whole tenderloins. This year, not so much. We're going casual, pasta and homemade meatballs. So today, after the gym, it's to the grocery store, and then making lots and lots of meatballs. Very therapeutic I think.

It's getting exciting...here we go again!

Yes, I'm still here!

I know, I know, I've been MIA.

It's actually been sorta nice. I've been living life, getting ready for the holidays, working out, seeing friends, spending QT with Mr. P and the Umps. I have been kinda keeping up with y'all, but not as obsessively as I was a few months back. I'm trying to lose the obsessive IF behaviors I seemed to acquire over the last year. And so far, so good.

But, just as my zen state takes hold, the roller coaster is beginning its tick-tick-tick up the first big hill. IVF #4 is underway. Well, sort of. Not on any meds yet, but this new protocol (estrogen priming) has me testing for LH in this cycle, the pre-stim cycle. I'm on CD 13 today, and had a very faint test line yesterday, so maybe a positive today. Or from Santa on Xmas Day. As of now, it looks like I'll be at the far-away clinic for monitoring and ER in mid- to late-January.

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, a Happy Holiday, or a Nice Day, depending on your proclivities. Enjoy all the blessings you find in your life right now, and I hope all the blessings you wish for come to you quickly.

Back to snow

I'm back, somewhat unwillingly. We had a great vacation. It was seamless - no delayed flights, luggage all showed up, lovely room. We mostly hung out by the pool or beach, being brought drinks and snacks all day. So nice. We also took a boat trip to snorkel and swim, which was also much fun. And I even kept up my workout schedule! Other than missing my cat, I did not want to return. To snow this morning, and more to come later this week. Bah.

I have to say, I did not think at all about IF the whole week. On the flight home, Mr. P asked me about the upcoming schedule, and I wasn't sure. Can you believe it?? I am not really sure when AF is expected. It has been YEARS since I don't know by heart all the details of my cycle.

It's nice. I'm gonna keep it going, and have AF's arrival be a surprise this month. I'm keeping with the idea of living my life, and not letting IF take over everything again. I think as an IF veteran at this point, I need to have distance from some of this obsessing. Which I certainly was doing for awhile there. As I start to cycle again in January, I'm sure it will ramp up again, but for now, I'm hanging back. Living my life.

Adios!

Whew! I survived Turkey Day, with no major problems in the kitchen. I have to say, everything was yummy, and went off mostly on time. Success!

The downer of the day was Mr. P's poor dad. He has Parkinson's, has been diagnosed for over 10 years, and thankfully had a very slow progression until now. He has really slid downhill over the last few months. They came to our house, and I think even that was too much for him. Poor guy, I really felt for him. At least he enjoyed all the food. But I doubt we will be hosting them at our house again.

Now, it is time to pack! Yay, we leave tomorrow for Mexico! Ole! I'm really looking forward to some quiet, and some QT with Mr. P. We've both been so busy, it will be nice to reconnect some. And of course, the sun! I can't wait!

Have a lovely week, Internets, and I'll catch ya next weekend! Adios!

Welcome November ICLWers!

Hi there!

If you are here from ICLW, welcome! I've missed doing this in the last few months, and am glad to be back in the commenting extravaganza!

A little about me: I'm 36, and Mr. P and I have been TTC since August 07. We've been thru clo.mid, 4 IUIs, 3 IVFs. We have been to 2 OB/GYNs, and 2 REs in this journey. We currently have 2 frozen embies (aka Chilly Willy and Frozen Frannie) that underwent mircoarray genetic testing, and both are normal (hurray!). Currently we are on a bit of a break, and plan to do one more IVF cycle in January at an out-of-our-state clinic, hoping to bank a couple of more genetically normal blasts. FET planned for the spring sometime.

I also love to cook, read and go to the gym. Trying to lose a bit of the IVF weight before the next cycle begins. But sometimes the love of cooking gets in the way of weight loss. Oh well!

I'm really looking forward to reading some new blogs this week, and getting new readers. So welcome again!!

I got nothing and lots

Nothing at all is going on. IF-wise, at least. Done with this month's visitor, and now just waiting til she comes again next month.

Twiddling my thumbs over here.

Not really though. Amazing and hard to believe as it may sound, I have rediscovered my life outside of IF. Well, a little. I'm back to the gym 4 times each week. It feels so good, and although I do not believe in scales, my IVF-weight-gain clothes are feeling looser.

And I'm planning, plotting, preparing for Thanksgiving. We'll be a small group, but it still keeps me busy, thinking about how to tweak the stuffing or brine the bird. It's fun. Even got my knives sharpened. Now, if I only had a nice kitchen like TeeJay will soon have, then I'd really be in culinary heaven.

So that's it. Not much going on, IF-wise. Lots going on, life-wise. I'm still keeping up with all the blogs on my sidebar and in my Reader. Hoping for many happy holidays for all of you!

Travel Plans

AF arrived last night, late as she can sometimes be. Has anyone else noticed that the cycle after the IVF cycle (so ER, AF 2 weeks later, then this next cycle) is always messed up? I'm always late, I was last time too, in June. Hmmm...a trend?

Anyway, in addition to her visit, Mr. P and I are making travel and holiday plans. I talked a while back, after finding out that we were not cycling in November/December, that I might tag along with Mr. P on a business trip to London. Well, plans change. After his last trip halfway around the world, working 20 hour days the whole time, and returning with some wicked jet lag, he is not taking this next business trip. What the poor guy needs is a vacation. Heck, after all the drama (both good and bad) over the last 8 months, so could I. So we are taking a trip to Mexico right after Thanksgiving. Yay!

I will cook my heart out for Turkey Day, then relax on a beach for a week to recover. Sounds good to me!

We also worked it out with our families so that we don't have to travel to the East Coast at all these next few months! Hurrah! Mr. P's family live in the same city as we do, so we usually stay in town for either Thanksgiving or Xmas. But my family is all back East, and usually go back for one holiday to see them. But I think they are finally getting the picture that both me & Mr. P and my brother and SIL have a lot on our plates right now. So my mom is coming for Xmas, and my dad and stepmom for New Years. Yay, no travel home for me!

I feel like all the stars are finally aligning for me. After many years of waiting on them. I just hope this good karma follows me into the New Year, through the next (and hopefully last!!) stim cycle, beta 3 integrin treatment, and finally through FET.

C'mon, karma, I'm putting it out there! Work with me, work with me!!

Still basking

I'm still walking on clouds since last Thursday. Well, not every moment of the day, but I've found that little happy thoughts will pop into my brain.

"OMG, they were both normal. BOTH!"

"I might actually see 2 lines on a HPT some day!"

"That was good news!"

I think that is what has hit me the most. That result was the first truly good news we've had on the TTC front in over 2 years. I mean sure, I've gotten test results back that were not bad. But really, at best, they were neutral results. Like, "Pie, you don't have a screwed up karyotype" or "Mr. P's sperm count is within the normal range" or "Your lining and hormone levels are where we want them." Things going as they should, but not really news that you would shout from the rooftops. More neutral, really.

But this - this is shout-from-the-rooftops worthy. This means my odds of having a child genetically related to both me and Mr. P have suddenly gone up. Above even odds. That is the best news I've gotten since we started naively trying to expand our family in August 2007.

A few commenters asked if we would still cycle again in January. Yes, that is the plan. My reasoning is I might as well cycle while I'm young (or at least no older than I am now, or in January). With the new vitrification, keeping embies in cold storage comes with less risk. And if we can make even 1 more genetically normal blast, our odds of a take-home baby will go up even more. I see it as family planning, but instead of the fertile version of this (having unprotected sex at the right times when you are ready to have another kid), I'm banking my kids, storing them away to be doled out at 2 or 3 FETs in the future.

I'm hoping Chilly Willy and Frozen Frannie will have another snow-sibling in January. Transfer in Spring '10.

Great news!!!

I'm shaking and crying as I type this. 5 minutes ago, the far away clinic called. The genetic microarray testing results for my 2 blasts are in.

They are both NORMAL!

I never get good news. I'm never the lucky one.

But today, I am.

The only downside is Mr. P is literally halfway around the world, where it is the middle of the night, and I can't call him anyway (long-distance phone issues). I can't wait til we can talk and celebrate. But for now, me and the cat are very happy. She gets extra kitty treats today!

At a loss

I've been thinking about how I would write about this since I hung up the phone with my friend last night. How I feel about it. What I can say. And really, I'm still not sure.

I have 2 friends, let's call them John and Jane. They were engaged last March, on her 40th birthday. John is one of my husband's best friends, we've known him forever, he is an old friend to both of us. Jane invited me to come with them for their wedding food tasting, which is today. I was flattered and excited to be a part of their wedding planning. John called me last night to confirm the time, and then says, "I also wanted to tell you, Jane won't be drinking tomorrow night. We just found out she's expecting, quite unexpectedly."

Huh? What? I think I did not hear you correctly.

Yup, she's pregnant. At 40 years old. While using a condom. She is the .2% of the 99.8% effective. At 40. Before the wedding.

Sigh.

Of course, I'm delighted for them. I know they were planning to start trying on the honeymoon. My SIL and I had talked about if they would go straight to the RE, given her age.

But it was a kick in the gut to get this news last night. And these friends don't know of our IF struggles. So while I'm happy for them, and honored to be included in this info (they are not telling many people yet), I walked around after the phone call last night in disbelief. I think I'm still in that state. I have not cried, I don't feel sad, exactly. I'm dumbfounded. I'm amazed. I'm...at a loss to understand this.

There is no rhyme or reason for what happens in this world. That's all I can come up with.

I heart Bowser!

Halloween was fine, my niece came over to trick or treat. But she does not know what candy is, so it was more about the crinkley wrappers and pretty colors than eating candy. Next year, it may be a very different story.

I passed out over 250 pieces of candy! We got tons of kids, both from the neighborhood and some that come to our neighborhood because its easy to walk around. No new or creative constumes this year, lots of princesses, super-heroes and vampires.

Mr. P is out of the country again this week, so me and the cat are on our own. I'm planning to have some friends for dinner during the week, and to finish my Jane Austen marathon. And I'm still working out, and started doing strength training again last week. Boy, I've lost quite a bit of strength over the last 8 months. But I'm gonna get strong again, I'll be doing the Sha-Na-Na biceps soon enough.


Did I just date myself? Children of the 70s, don't tell me you don't remember Sha-Na-Na. Eating a TV dinner, watching Hee-Haw and Sha-Na-Na before the babysitter comes over? Yes? Maybe she'll let you stay up to watch Fantasy Island after the Love Boat?

C'mon, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

I love Jane!

This post has nothing to do with IF. Thank God.

I just had to say, I love me some Jane Austen.

I began reading her books just recently, around the time of the summer hormone holiday. Somehow I missed reading her in school, or as a teenager. But I'm catching up fast. So far, I'm through Pride-n-Predjudice, Sense-n-Sensibility, Emma, and have about 50 pages left in Mansfield Park. Northanger Abbey is next.

But best of all, I just finished watching the BBC miniseries of P&P. Ooooh boy, how good is that? Colin Firth has made a career out of being the perfect Mr. Darcy, and I love him for it.

Nothing lifts my spirits and keeps me distracted like some good ole romance/scandal/drama like Miss Austen dishes up. Thank you Jane!

The calm after the storm

For all of you that had to skip the last posts due my coarse language, welcome back. Things will be much more civilized moving forward. For today, at least.

Thank you yoga, meditation and deep breathing. You have helped calm my psycho tush down. And thank you to Mr. P for being angry right along with me, and then finding the silver lining in it all.

So we are not cycling again til January. And as Mr. P pointed out, this could very well be a blessing in disguise. One, no chance of being in a far away hotel over Thanksgiving. Now we can host Mr. P's family at our house for Turkey Day, which is very fun for me to plan and do. Two, a little more of a hormone holiday for me. Good idea for the actual holiday season. I can partake in a little libation and cheer. Three, we will have our genetic testing back before cycling again. We'll have a better idea of what we're up against, good or bad. Four, I might be able to go with Mr. P on his business trip out of the country, to a place I've always wanted to go - London. We'll see if the trip comes to be, but for now, it's nice to dream about.

I am calm again, and feeling more positive about it. I'm still not at all happy with the way it all went down, and the far away clinic has shown me several of its flaws. But this is IF, and we don't get to choose and control, and I need to be ok with that. Like I said before, yoga continues to remind me to live in the now, not in the future or past. And it reminds me to breathe, which is also helpful.

SWEARING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!

Again, for the sensitive or proper types, do not read this post. I promise to play nice soon.


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCK!


POAS today, and lo and behold - positive. Yay, right? Eh, not so fucking much.

I email my nurse and happily tell her the good news. Mind you, yesterday when I asked if I should even bother continuing to do the OPKs, she said keep testing and let me know. So I do.

Not more than 5 minutes after I hit send, she calls me. Wow, that was fast. Well apparently crappy news travels very fast around there (as opposed to useless news, which takes 3 weeks to schedule). Yup, she tells me that even though I could cycle based on my timing, they have no spots available for me on the surgery/lab schedule. Well, they do have some spots open, but they are being held by other departments, like donor egg and other clinics. And they won't play nice and share.

Fuck-a-doodle-do.

So now the soonest I could do a cycle would be starting in December, with an ER in mid-January. Not so far off, you say? Well, DH may be out of the country for several weeks in January. Because he has pushed back all this work stuff thinking January would be a safe month, what with me having to do Depot Lupron for 2 months. Before beginning prep for FET.

ARGH.

Add swear word here

So as not to offend any sensitive eyes, if you don't want to see me lose my shit, skip the next bit.


WHATTHEFUCKINGFUCK????? ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ahh, that felt better. I contacted the nurse today, asking for my cycle calendar that was held ransom by the phone call I had yesterday. I mentioned in my email to her that I wanted to iron out Thanksgiving plans with family.

She called me quickly and said, "The new protocol that Dr. Famous chose for you will not work for this next cycle, given our lab closure in mid December."

WHATTHEFUCK????? I asked him that yesterday and got "Oh no, that should be no problem, you'll be done before that."

ARGHHHHHHH!

But wait, all may not be lost, she says. Where am I in my cycle now? Maybe we can start this long-ass cycle now, as in today, and get you in. Along with some bribery of the lab, because they are also fully booked. So the nurse counts what day I am in my current cycle, today is CD 13. She needs to know my LH surge to tell me when to start meds.

So I run upstairs to my stockpile of OPK (donated to me from my older friend that got pregnant immediately and no longer needs them!) and POAS.

Wait.

Negative. Shit.

Go and find my records from when I cared when I ovulated (and this is depressing, it began in December 07) and see that only twice in a year did I have a positive OPK on CD12. All the other times were CD13,14,15.

So I may still be in the running. Otherwise, it's January for me.

GODDAMMIT! ARGHHHHHH!

Whew, times two

I am feeling relieved. I had both my local fibroid consult appointment, as well as the phone regroup with Dr. Famous. Why is it that all of these eventful things happen together? Why does the universe not spread out the excitement? Why clumps of action, followed by long stretches of waiting? Sigh....anyway....

First, the fibroid. I went to an new OB/GYN practice. I've never been attached to my old GYN, and as I described before, the practice was waaaay crowded and big. So I've been shopping for an new GYN anyway, and this new practice was recommended by an old co-worker. Long-winded story short, I loved this practice. Loved the professionalism of the receptionist - and all of you IF vets know how rare it is to find good receptionists/support staff. Loved the tech who did my u/s (and they had my favorite thing - the screen on the wall so the patient can see without craning necks) who was thorough and talked to me like I had a brain. And best of all, loved the doctor. She was honest, frank, straight-forward, explained everything to me until I completely understood. I loved her. So yay! If I can ever get pregnant, I've found my OB.

But that's getting ahead of myself. We must deal with the fibroid first. After taking lots of measurements, she said is was still fairly small (1.2cm x 1.2cm x 1.0 cm) and just barely protruding into the very lowest part of my uterus. Just under the endometrial lining. She said she was more concerned about scarring from removal than from the fibroid interrupting implantation. So she did not recommend removal.

Great! I was leaning this way anyway, so it confirmed what I had suspected. But doing IVF cycles can make it grow more (them fibroids love estrogen!), so we will have to keep an eye on it as we go forward.

And the phone call with Dr. Famous. Another long-winded story short, it went well. Yes, I am allowed to cycle again. Yes, my eggs are turning crappy, but aren't fully crap yet. So we are going to try a new protocol and I will cycle again in November. 4th time is the charm? I sure hope so.

Honestly, I'm not sure why we had to have that call with Dr. Famous. I guess this is their effort at being touchy-feely or connected to the patient. But I didn't really get anything new from it, and would have rather known all this a week ago. But whatever.

Sunny disposition?

Not much going on - still waiting around. No genetics results, the phone call with Dr. Famous is not til Wednesday, as is my fibroid appointment with a local doc. So I'm in an IF holding pattern. Again.

I had a child-filled weekend. I babysat for my niece on Friday, and took her to her park district "class". Which is just playtime for toddlers. It was actually really fun, and I only had very mild pangs of jealousy/sadness/longing. We played with toys, pretending to eat fake food and with a hide-and-seek Sessy Street toy. Then an "art project" and song time. It was very cute to see my niece interact with other kids and watch and imitate the teacher. That little girl really does melt my heart.

And we went to dinner with a couple that we've known a long time. In fact, they conceived their first child after a party we threw, whoopsie! She is now very pregnant now with their second child. I stared a little too long at her belly a few times. She is one of those very cute pregnant women, all belly, no fat or swelling. Sigh, she looked so cute, all I could think was I want to be pregnant. I want to feel full after eating only half my dinner because the baby is so big in my belly.

But I was surprised during all this that I didn't feel bitter. This is a new sensation for me - I was the person a few months back that got a kick out of thinking "I hate you" every time I saw a pregnant belly. But I'm not feeling that way these days.

Is this progress? Have I just been knocked down enough that I can't feel the pain anymore? Or is this just a temporary reprieve?

Who knows. But I'll take it.

Flexing my waiting muscles

I think Mr. P and I are agreed on doing a new cycle for November. So while I was waiting to have my regroup phone call with Dr. Famous, I called the nurse to ask for a new cycle calendar. I was hoping to get an estimate of this cycle so we can figure out Thanksgiving plans. She said, "No problem, I'll get the word from Dr. F and let you know Monday."

Great.

No word on Monday, so I send an email reminding her about the calendar. I get an email back saying she'd speak with Dr. Famous today, and get me a calendar by the afternoon.

Great.

The phone rings mid-afternoon, and lo and behold, it is my nurse. What, is she going to tell me my calendar? No, I'm not that lucky, I should know better by now. The nurse says, "I spoke with
Dr. Famous and he would not give you a calendar until he speaks with you. I told him you had a call scheduled, but were hoping to get some dates, but he said he needed to talk to you first."

Uh-oh.

I asked her if this meant bad news, and she sort of laughed and said no, she didn't think so. I asked does this mean things may change, and she said she didn't know and was eager to get off the phone. I have a feeling she knew more than she was able to let on, but wasn't supposed to talk to me about it. That was for Dr. Famous to do. Next week.

So a new type of waiting. In addition to the waiting I'm doing already (have a child, get genetic test results back, frozen transfer, fibroid surgery, etc) I can now add this. Waiting to hear if you are allowed to cycle again. Fun!

I'm trying hard not to catastrophize, and I do want to talk to Dr. Famous about how I felt they cycle went, which in my mind was only so-so. But I'm scared. All the "what ifs" creep into my head. I'm scared to hear my eggs are crap. I'm not ready to hear that yet. I'm scared to hear he thinks this won't work for me.

But I have to wait to hear what he thinks. And think the worst until then.

An award!

Thanks so much to Low Fat Lady for this award. She thought of me when I was hitting the bumpy road, and I greatly appreciate it. I am a bit late in turning this around, but hey, better late than never.









Here's the deal:

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word! (yeah, that's not gonna happen, but I'll try my best!)

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers

3. Alert them that you have given them this award!

4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? next-to-me

2. Your hair? Brown

3. Your mother? well-meaning

4. Your father? narcissistic

5. Your favorite food? tacos

6. Your dream last night? None

7. Your favorite drink? La Croix orange

8. Your dream/goal? Motherhood

9. What room are you in? Living

10. Your hobby? Cooking

11. Your fear? Heights

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? stay-at-home mom

13. Where were you last night? Brother's house

14. Something that you aren’t? Vain

15. Muffins? carrot

16. Wish list item? new purse

17. Where did you grow up? East Coast

18. Last thing you did? Dropped mom at airport

19. What are you wearing? Sweats

20. Your TV? On and big

21. Your pets? Fluffy kitty cat

22. Friends? loyal

23. Your life? good

24. Your mood? melancholy

25. Missing someone? no

26. Vehicle? civic

27. Something you’re not wearing? gloves

28. Your favorite store? gap body

29. Your favorite color? orange

30. When was the last time you laughed? yesterday

31. Last time you cried? yesterday

32. Your best friend? Mr. P

33. One place that I go to over and over? whole paycheck (foods)

34. One person who emails me regularly? Mr. P

35. Favorite place to eat? chipotle

I nominate the following blogs for this award:

Adding to the Pack

The Pitter-Patter

Last Chance IVF

Ambivalent Womb

Mis-Adventures of a Modern Day Farmer's Wife

Iamstacey

Have fun ladies!

I'm still here

Still here. Still putting one foot in front of the other.

My mom's in town this weekend. I've been hanging out over at my brother's house a lot, seeing my niece. Always bittersweet. And my sister-in-law, who will be 41 in March, is pregnant after her latest IVF. She has always gotten pregnant after every IVF she's done. But, none has resulted in a live birth. (My niece was a miracle natural baby after an IVF miscarriage) But I think she has the full belief that IVF will work. I wish I still had that feeling.

We've inquired about getting on the schedule at the far away clinic for a new freeze-all cycle in November/December. I'm thinking at this point, I might as well cycle while I'm as young as I'm gonna get. My uterus will be there, but I should stockpile embies while I can. So I should get a new calendar Monday. I'll be curious to see if I stay on the same protocol.

And my Auntie arrived yesterday, pissed off as usual. I think the fibroid is making my periods more uncomfortable, and more chunky monkey. Blech.

That's it. Hanging in there, trying to be future-focused. Trying to keep a bit of hope in what appears to me most of the time to be hopeless.

The aftermath

After all the bad news Monday, we did get a glimmer of good news Tuesday. The frozen blast from our local clinic IVF #2 was thawed successfully and re-expanded well. Chilly Willy (as he's known in our house) was biopsied and vitrified. He is the same grade as the new blast (Day 6 BB). So we now have doubled our chances with 2 blasts that will be sent for mircoarray genetic testing.

For those of you that have commented about transfer - because of the missing beta-3 integrin issue in my lining, I will never do a fresh transfer. And one of the main reasons we chose the far away clinic was to be able to do full 46 chromosome genetic testing. Results take 6 weeks to get back. And with my fibroid removal and the integrin treatment, transfer won't be until at least February.

I'm trying very hard to keep busy. I'm going to the gym each day, even if I don't want to. I feel better afterward, so I force myself. I'm also cooking again, and have made some yummy homemade mac-n-cheese, pork chops with spiced apples, and the uber-comforting to me homemade turkey taco dinner. And lots and lots of cuddles with my sweet fur-baby Umps. She really missed me while I was away, and has been extra-sweet to me. In fact, she is on my lap right now. Good kitty!

So after all the disappointment of the last week, we are picking ourselves up. Tears find me here and there, but it's getting better. We've scheduled a regroup phone call with Dr. Famous in a few weeks. I've also scheduled an appointment with a local ob/gyn about the fibroid removal. If I can do this locally, it would save us a bunch of cash and drama. We're debating doing another freeze-all cycle (and potentially our last, at least last with insurance). If we decide to do this, I'd like to do it sooner than later, with my 36-year old eggs. They can stay frozen as I age, but I better harvest them while the time is right. But we want to hear what the doc says, his thoughts on this last cycle, and what we'd do different.

One foot in front of the other. Keeping going.

Crash & burn

Bad news today.

Of the 6 that were still kicking Friday, 2 made it to blast. But only one of those is viable, the other being Day 6 CC-. So they are biopsying the one Day 6 BB blast for genetic testing, and thaw the frozen blast from our last cycle (IVF #2) tomorrow. If it survives the thaw (about 75% do, but I seem to be on the wrong side of the odds these days, so I'm not thinking it's a sure thing), we'll have 2 to send for genetic testing.

I'm really upset. Tears streaming down my face as I type this.

I'm really starting to think I may never have children. And that sucks.

Day 3 update

Just a quick update from the lab on Day 3.

For the 4 on-time embies, they all look great. 2 are 8-celled, 2 are 10-celled. All graded at 4 (least amount of fragmentation). My reaction: YAY!

For the remedial 3: 2 are dividing, and look "ok". They don't really grade them at this point, as they are only Day 2 embies. 1 was not doing as well and would likely arrest. My reaction: Meh.

So 4 winning the race, but really 6 still in the running. My reaction: not too shabby.

Next update on Monday. The big one. My reaction: Eeek!

Roller coasters make me nauseous

I'm home! Slept in my own bed last night, and all I can say is "Thank the Lord for Tempur-pedic."

But it has been a bumpy ride since the last post, and the IF roller coaster is knocking me around quite a bit. After getting a very happy report of 12 eggs retrieved, we were feeling confident. Silly, silly us.

As we were driving out of Colorado, we got the call from the lab. Of course, we have terrible cell reception. So cutting in and out, I hear, "So we have the 4."

What? What happened to 12? How did we get from 12 to 4???

After the call dropped, and the lab called back (and I was freaking out in the car), we found out horrible news. Of the 12 eggs, only 6 were mature. And of those 6, only 4 fertilized. This is the worst cycle we've ever had. Oh my God. Oh my fucking God. The lab lady did say that they had a few immature eggs that were maturing in the lab (one of the fancy parts of this lab, the old clinic did not have this ability). They would try to ICSI these today, and the lab would call us tomorrow with these fert rates.

I spun into a very bad place. I began thinking about all my worst nightmares that now seemed would come true. It was not a fun car ride. Oh, and happy anniversary, Mr. P. Whoopie.

On Thursday, while driving through endless cornfields, we got the second call from the lab. Of the 6 immature eggs, 3 matured in the lab. And all 3 fertilized.

I began to breathe again.

So that means we have 7 embies right now. I'm expecting another call today, Day 3 report for the initial 4 and just an update on my slow but steady 3. I have my seatbelt on, and am feeling sick from all of these ups and downs. I never really liked roller coasters. I was always more of the "Its a Small World" kind of girl.

Blech.

Dozen

It's done - we got 12 eggs!

And I'm really happy with that, I just wanted double digits. We'll find out tomorrow about the fert rate.

I'll update more about the ER, which was interesting, when we get back to our hometown. We'll be driving the next few days, hopefully home Thursday night.

And thanks again and again for all the positive thoughts. It means so incredibly much to me. Thank you.

It's on!

Yup - it's on, folks!

I triggered last night at 10pm, and ER is on for 9am Tuesday morning. Oh boy, here we go!

Follies are looking good, although I'm getting worried now that they may be too big, over-mature. On Sunday morning monitoring my right have 5 big ones, all 20+, and my left was hiding so we only measured 3 because it hurt too much for her to wand me to death. On the left they were 19-17. E2 was 2850! Highest ever. Please, please, please let that mean there are a few extra mature ones hiding.

I'm getting nervous, just for everything. I've been working so hard, put so much into this up til now, I just want it to work so badly. But I don't get hopeful, I get scared. I prepare for the worst. I figure it's easier to be pleasantly surprised than have my hopes dashed. Mr. P thinks I'm nuts, and I need to stay positive, but it is self-protective to be like this. Yes, everything has gone well, at least as well, if not better, than my last 2 cycles. Yes, I'm at one of the best labs in the country. Yes, we will do microarray, and get my lining issues in order, and remove my fibroid (which, btw, is now huge) before making a perfect lining for the FET.

But....just but.

But everything. That is what I am focused on now. All the buts (and not just my sore left butt from yesterday's trigger shot, har-har-har).

Blah, I just want it done. I want it to be tomorrow already. I want it to be February, after the FET. I want it to be next year, after I have my child in my arms. But that all sounds hopeful.

So I guess it easiest to say I want to be done with all this IF craziness.

The Bloat Baby

No ma'am, I'm not pregnant.

Yes, I'm sure.

Just because I'm waddling like a pregnant lady (or a duck) and I am in a loose t-shirt with a substantial buldge underneath, I'm not pregnant.

It's just my bloat baby.

Going into the final stretch here, and boy, am I bloated. I really "popped" today. I've been feeling uncomfortable for days (IF Optimist...is not the only princess that feels her peas), but today has been...more. More visible bloat, more feeling-your-ovaries-vibrate-with-every-step, more tired. But it's all worth it.

Today's monitoring was good, and Mr. P came to see the bits of dough in the oven. We still have about 9-10 follies, now between 19 and 15-ish, with a few smaller stragglers still loitering. My E2 was 2203, which means this will be my highest E2 going into retrieval. I'm hoping that means more mature eggs. I'm still thinking that retrieval (or harvesting, as I am still farming) will be Tuesday, but we'll see. I go in tomorrow again for another peak at the follies, and more blood work.

Thanks for all the positive vibes and well-wishes, it really means the world to me. This is my first IVF cycle as a blogger, and it has been so nice to have support from you guys that get it. Thanks again!!!

Crusing right along

Things continue to progress. I have about 10 follies now, smallest just at 11 and largest at 16. E2 today was at 1715, so that is good too. I've stayed on the same amount of meds since they reduced me after the first monitoring appointment. It's still looking like a Tuesday retrieval, so not on our anniversary Wednesday, but that's ok. Maybe I can even have some wine or champers on our anniversary then. Yes, I will be able to indulge again soon, because this is a freeze-all cycle. Transfer won't be until the new year, I think.

I was absolutely exhausted all day yesterday, I swear I even woke up tired, even though I slept fine. So I did very little other than watch TV. But today I'm feeling a bit better. Mr. P arrived in town this morning, maybe that woke me up a bit. Its good to have him here, I feel like I'm not alone in this adventure anymore.

So that's it. We just went out for a very nice lunch, and now we're lounging on the couch. Watching the Price is Right. Good way to spend a Friday.

I'm a farmer

My first ultrasound at the far away clinic was this morning. I can already say I like this clinic so much more than my local clinic. The u/s tech actually talks to me, they have the screen on the wall just so the patients can see the screen without craning your neck to see the tech's screen, and then you review everything with the nurse. The old clinic techs would barely look at me, do the fastest scan, and send me home. This is so much better.

Anyway, I feel like a farmer, growing my follies. Watch them grow, give them fertilizer, check on them. So this morning, 5 days into stims I had 5 measurables on one side, and 4 on the other, with several smaller ones hanging around. My E2 is already at 933! So they have reduced my follis.tim, and I have to go back in tomorrow for more checking. This is the quickest, and best response I've ever had, so I guess Dr. Famous was right when he suspected I've been over-suppressed in my past cycles.

I'm feeling tired too. Not sure if its the weather here, which can only be described as dreary, or just the extra energy my body is putting towards farming follies. But, geez, I'm already feeling bloated, tired and all around not much fun. But I'm not here to have fun, I'm here to farm. In loose-waisted sweatpants.

I made it

I arrived! After driving most of yesterday, we had an easier drive today. In total, a long drive, but fun too. I am a bit hoarse from all the singing! But not without injury, I have a nasty knot in my shoulder muscle from gripping the steering wheel for hours on end. So I made the executive decision to have a massage tomorrow. Get all the driving kinks out.

I'm still unpacking, and getting organized. My shots have been going ok, I seem to be bruising more this time. Not sure why, or what the difference is from the last 2 times. And I really dislike Meno.pur. It burns, and it is a pain in the patooka to mix it all up. The Folli.stim pen spoiled me. I'm already starting to feel my ovaries, so I hope that means something is going on in there. I'll find out Wednesday at my ultrasound and blood work monitoring appointment.

That's it. I'm tired, looking forward to a good night's sleep. G'night!

Edited to add - Thanks to Gabby's blog for reminding me it's ICLW! My favorite week of the month! Welcome to all you bloggers and blog readers. If you are just coming across my blog for the first time, click here for a review I did for a previous ICLW, or just check out the sidebar for a summary of my IF history. Have a great week!

One down...

...and about 60 more to go. Shots, that is. I had my first shot of MDL this morning, my first shot since the beginning of May. It was fine, but I forgot it is a shot, and it hurts a bit. Not bad, but I actually thought to myself, "Huh, it hurts." Not sure what I expected.

Anyway, now that I'm done with that first step, I start focusing on packing and getting organized for the trip. I think I'm leaving Sunday. I'm driving, not sure if I've mentioned that here. I have a friend who is also cycling at the far away clinic, and we decided to caravan road trip out there. I'm looking forward to the drive, I really like to drive. Sing at the top of my lungs, listen to books on tape (or CD these days, did I just date myself??), chat on the phone (hands-free of course). We're not going to push it, so it will take us 2 days, which will put us at the far away clinic on Monday night.

And I am also in the process of transferring my one frozen blast to the far away clinic. We had to get all these releases notarized yesterday, and today I have to send them off. This way this blast can be included in the CGH/MA on the many other (I hope!) blasts from this cycle. More paperwork, more money. But hey, maybe that little snowbaby is the one! Ya never know.

All Aboard!!

'Cause the IVF train is leaving the station!

Yup, I had my ultrasound and blood work today - and got the all clear. I begin the MDL on Thursday morning. My first injection in almost 5 months. Feels like an eternity ago. Then real stims join the party on Saturday.

Chug, chug, chugging along...moving forward feels great so far!

Weekend re-cap

We had a good weekend, the weather here has finally gotten nice and summery. Right in time for fall, but whatever, I'll take it. On Saturday, a good friend's band played at a local festival in a park, and it was fun to sit in the grass and hang out.

And yesterday was my niece's birthday party. I baked her a cake, and spent much of Sunday morning on that. This is only the second cake I've made from scratch, so nothing too crazy, just a vanilla layer cake with whipped cream filling and chocolate frosting. It looked cute, with pink writing and pink and white polka dots.



The party was fun, a casual cookout with several kids and adults. I was surprised I did well at this event, it was fun to watch all the kids (oldest there was 4) interact with each other and play. The green monster of jealousy barely reared it's head.

And last night was my last night of BCP. Tomorrow morning I go in to the now-mean-to-me old clinic for my suppression check u/s and blood work. I've had on and off very light spotting since my last (chunky monkey) period, so I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow. I hope everything is doing what it should (or I guess not doing anything at all) down there. If all goes well, I get the all clear to begin injections on Thursday. Micro dose lup.ron only for 2 days, then full-on stims on Saturday. I think it will be 4 injections each day. I hope I have enough space on my tummy.

It should be an interesting week.

The big talk

I did it. I had the talk with my dad tonight. The big reveal. For those of you that can't recall the details (What? You don't remember every detail of my life? How can that be??) click here to read up.

I was nervous beforehand. Like very very nervous. Butterflies in tummy nervous. I called his home, and no answer. Argh! So I left a message, and tried his cell. Again no answer. Argh again! So I had to wait. Just because I can't have anything happen in my infertility journey without some form of waiting.

About an hour later, he called me back. He told me he and my step-mom had been out for dinner. My stomach dropped, because I really wanted to have this conversation when my step-mom wasn't around. I asked where my step-mom was now, and he said she had stayed out shopping. Whew, so he was alone.

So I launch into telling him that Mr. P and I will not be in town when they come to visit at the end of the month. I tell him that we've been trying to have kids for over 2 years, both a year on our own, and a year of doing 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs locally. We've decided to look outside the state for our care moving forward. So we will be at that clinic when they will be visiting here. He was not surprised to hear of the IF stuff, and suspected that we had been trying for awhile. I then said that the reason we had not told them what was going on sooner was mostly because of my step-mom. I told him while I knew she means well, she talks a lot and can unintentionally say hurtful things. He started to give advice on how I could talk to her about this, and I said that I didn't feel I could have that conversation directly with her. I asked him to talk to her instead of me, and he agreed.

He started to ask for details, like where we going, and what sort of treatment we were doing, but I said I really didn't want to get into doctor's names, given they were both physicians and they might have personal or professional opinions on our docs. He said ok. I also said that I didn't want to get into details of the treatment, and he was very cool about that, saying he felt that was personal, and between me and Mr. P. I did say that he shouldn't expect anything from us about this for awhile, I would not be pregnant soon.

He was very nice about it all, and although he fished around a few times about where we were going, what doc we were seeing, and what treatment I was beginning, he respected the limits I gave back. So he wished us good luck, we chatted for a few minutes more about my niece, and then got off the phone. About 20 minutes total for the call.

I feel good, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I still have the privacy and boundaries I need to have with them, but at least they understand some of where we've been coming from over the last year. He said it actually made more sense, looking back. So that's good too.

Now if this IVF crap would actually work, then I'd really have something to call them about!

Relaxation and War

Labor Day weekend was nice and relaxing. Mr. P and I stayed home, cooked, brunched, and watched baseball on TV. After traveling a lot in August, it was nice for both of us to be home, be together and just be. I tried to soak it in, because I have a feeling we won't have much of that in September.

But lurking, way back in the corners of my mind, there is a war going on. The classic, predictable, but very real war of my emotions about the upcoming IVF #3. Hope versus fear. Calm versus panic. Desire versus detachment.

In many ways, this feels like my first round of IVF, all over again. New clinic, new protocol, new meds, everything feels new. And with that, the excitement, the hope of newness. I want this to work so badly, I hope that we have finally gotten to the right place, the right diagnosis, everything right this time. I hope, I wish, I even occasionally believe. Just like I did the first time.

But I was so innocent then, so naive. That first time, I didn't even consider it wouldn't work. I mean, sure, we knew the stats, we knew the risks. But we never thought that would be us. Not really, truly, in our hearts. But I'm not that person anymore, how can I be? I've ridden this roller coaster, more than once, and I know all the curves, dips and free-falls before they are even in sight. I know.

And this knowledge fills me with doubt and fear. And the what ifs. Oh, those evil what ifs, they keep me up at night. They creep into a lazy, happy afternoon.

What if I don't respond well to this new protocol?
What if my eggs are suddenly bad quality?
What if we get no blasts?
What if there are no genetically normal ones?
What if this treatment for the sticky ute protein thing doesn't work?
What if this cycle fails?
What if I can't get pregnant?
What if we can't have kids?
What if (insert millions of other fears here)?

But there are two sides in a war, and the hope tries to rally, and I tell myself to calm down. Reframe. Distract. Try to be in the moment. Workout for endorphins. Anything else to keep the bad guys at bay. But I am struggling with it. Quietly, mostly. But it is always going on, in the back corners of my mind.

Please, let this work.

a taste of late summer

I have not posted about cooking in awhile, although I've been doing a fair amount of it. Corn on the grill, a new lemon vinaigrette, lots of grilled chicken every which way. But today, I felt like making something I grew up eating. And it is truly a taste of late summer, when the tomatoes are ripe and the basil is becoming overgrown. Or if you live in the city like me, the farmers' market is brimming with these items.

This is a recipe my mom called "Heartburn sauce" not because it causes you heartburn, but rather it is taken from Nora Ephron's book Heartburn. This is a recipe for those of you that don't like to cook, or think you can't. In fact, there is no cooking involved, except for boiling water.

Heartburn sauce
5-ish large tomatoes, peeled, seeded and chopped fairly small
1/3 to 1/2 cup of good E.V. olive oil
1 garlic clove, peeled and halved or smashed
1 cup basil, chopped
salt (a fair amount, I'd say 1-2 tablespoons of coarse salt)
red pepper flakes to taste

Mix everything together in a bowl. Let it sit on the counter for a few hours (do not refrigerate!). Fish out and remove garlic right before tossing with 1 lb. hot pasta. Serve with crusty bread to mop up the sauce.

It begins...again

Well, it's official. I started the IVF #3 cycle on Saturday. I began taking BCPs, which lasts for the next 2 weeks. I also picked up most of my meds at the pharmacy yesterday. Seeing all those meds makes it feel more real. And this time I'm on Men.opur and Nov.erel, which are the mix-and-inject meds. I've never had to mix my own meds before, so this feels a lot like my first IVF. Unsure about the meds, nervous anticipation about the injections. I'm sure it will become old hat after the first couple of times I do it, but it is new to me now.

And without being too graphic, I've had a wretched AF this time. Not really painful, but the ...umm ...texture ...ummm ...well, it was more like chunky monkey than vanilla. Blech. Not sure if that was because of the endo biopsy, or just the way things were this month. But, blech.

I'm also finalizing travel plans for my time at the far away clinic. I think I've settled on a hotel, mostly on dates. It is really happening! It seems surreal after so much waiting, we are beginning again.

I knew it!

For those of us in the unexplained infertility category, you always wonder. Why is this happening, clearly something is not going as it should, why can't they find it? For the most part, this has been my experience. My first RE's explanation was "It's just nature, we can't control everything" meaning that spontaneous genetic abnormalities happen. And that's why it didn't work for me.

But I always had a sneaking suspicion that something else was going on. Things always went well, stimming went well, ER went well, fert went well, transfer went well. So what's left? Implantation. I always had this lingering, back-of-the-mind suspicion that something was off here. When asking my old RE about it, he just poo-poo'ed me, and said no, that couldn't be it. I didn't have endometriosis. And he would not look into it.

Well, the e-tegrity test results came back late yesterday, and just as I suspected. I lack this beta-3 integrin protein that facilitates implantation.

I knew it!!!

That was my reaction when the nurse told me. I felt vindicated in a way. I was right to ditch the other doc, I was right to push for this test. Ha! I knew it!

But where does this leave me, once the vindication wears off? Well, I'm not 100% sure. I woke up today feeling a bit more scared about the whole thing. The nurse said it was good we were planning a freeze-all cycle, since now they need to treat me before transfer. They are recommending 2 months on De.po Lup.ron, before doing the FET. I have not had much of a chance to ask Dr. Google about what these results mean, and what this treatment is about. That is today's plan. If you know about this at all, please leave a comment about your experience. I'm trying not to freak out without more information and knowledge. After I get that, then I'll freak.

In other news, I also found out that our karyotypes were normal, no translocations! So that's great! And I got my official IVF calendar, because lovely AF showed yesterday. On time, again!

Dear Auntie, I apologize for all the mean comments I've mead about your timeliness, your senility, your sense of direction. I take it all back. You have been right on time, and I thank you for that.

That's where it all stands now. Ordering meds, getting ready to start BCP tomorrow. It's hard to imagine after months of waiting, I am moving again. But it's happening. Keep your fingers crossed for me, hell, keep 'em crossed for the next month!

Money and travels

Thanks to all of you that left well-wishes after the biopsy! It is just so nice to hear from you all, and know that I'm not alone. Seriously, thanks.

I'm back to normal, a little spotting left, but it has really decreased since Monday. I sort of thought it would just blend into AF (I usually spot some 1-2 days before she arrives), but it seems to be lessening. I'm on CD 27 today, so hopefully by Friday, she'll be here. If you happen to see her wandering around, please direct her over to my house. Thanks.

Mr. P and I looked at the cost of all this again yesterday. We need to pay a bunch before I start injections in a few weeks. Now, for all of you self-pay people, just skip this next part. Go on, I'll see you at the next paragraph. Up until now, all of our IF diagnostics and treatment have been covered by insurance. Meds too. Sure, I had a co-pay here and there, but nothing out of pocket. All 4 IUIs and both IVFs. Fully covered. Yes, I am very very thankful for this.

Working with the far away clinic is a big lesson on the cost of health care and insurance coverage. Again, we still have great insurance, which will reimburse some. But this is new to us, and figuring out exactly what we'll pay for and what will be covered has been confusing. In network, out of network, reimbursement rates, its so much to keep track of! It would be easier if I just knew it will cost XX amount, and budget for that. But we will get some covered, but not exactly sure which parts, and what % they will cover. We're budgeting for the worst. And what is frustrating is that if we stayed here, locally, it would still be fully covered. But I just can't feel good about that option - given the poor results we've gotten so far with the local clinic. So pay we will.

And Mr. P is leaving tonight on a business trip out of the country. He'll be gone til Sunday, which isn't that long, but it seems like it to me. And there is something about him being farther away (in another hemisphere!) that will make me miss him more. But as he says, "We gotta pay the bills!" so off he goes.

I'll call the nurse tomorrow to get test results, so I'll update when that happens.

E-tegrity

I had a fun morning. After getting up, showering, taking 4 Ad.vil, and dropping off the dry cleaning, I had my GYN appointment. They've moved offices since I was there about 18 months ago. Yup, as I was reminded today, the last time I was there I was about 6 months into TTC on our own. Such blissful ignorance I had then. But, relevant to this story, the office was not in the same place. So I had a mini-freak out trying to find the new place, and end up parking in the wrong garage. Hey, what's another $21? Chump change for any IF girl.

I finally got there. I forgot what a big practice this is. Huge waiting room, full of pregnant ladies, uncomfortable looking husbands and kids of all ages. Oh, and me. After about a 15 minute wait, they call me back. The doctor comes in to talk to me, she is not my normal doctor, but I had to schedule with her to be seen on the day I needed. Fine, what's another doctor looking up my nether regions? She seems nice enough. After showing her the box of stuff the e-tegrity test people sent me, we're ready to go.

She warns me, "This is going to be uncomfortable, like really bad menstrual cramps." Yeah, I know. I'm loaded up on 800mg of Ad.vil, so bring it on.

The whole thing took about 5 minutes. Standard speculum insertion, and washing the cervix with iodine. Then about 1 minute of sharp pain/cramping when she inserted the pipette through my cervix and scraped out a sample. This was followed by cramps. I'd recently heard about a research study where they found the ability to endure pain was increased if the person could swear. So I was alternating deep breathing with some choice cussing. I think at one point I even said, "I hate those fucking people that can get pregnant on their own!" The doc chuckled I think.

The sample (which was big, like several inches long!) was all packed up, and I went straight to Fed.Ex to send it off. Came home, put on sweatpants, and here I am. Feeling mild cramps, spotting a fair amount, but otherwise ok. I should get the results Thursday or Friday.

So I survived. And I think I have now done all the possible invasive GYN tests. While I may have to repeat a procedure, I don't think there is anything else that would be new to me. So I got that going for me. Gotta find the silver lining somewhere.

August ICLW and other ramblings

Welcome ICLWers!

A little about me: I'm fairly new to blogging, but not so new to TTC. Hubby and I just had our 2 year anniversary of TTC, and the past year has been lots of IUIs (4) and IVFs (2). We've recently sought a second opinion at a clinic out-of-state. After lots of new testing, we begin IVF #3 in about a week (or whenever AF decides to visit). I've really enjoyed my hormone holiday this summer, and feel ready to begin again. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Other ramblings: I've been reading online about my upcoming endometrial biopsy/ e-tegrity test (like what Jill went through) and I'm getting a bit freaked out. I mean, after everything I've been through so far - HSG, 2 ERs, hysteroscopy - can this really be any worse? Apparently for some - yes. God, it just makes me that much more angry at people that get pregnant on their first try. Why do I have to go through all of this crap? Grrrrr.

And I think I've come up with a plan about telling my dad. As I sat down with my calendar, there is no way in hell I will be in town for their visit in September. I'm planning to drive to the far-away clinic, and may even go a bit earlier than I need to for monitoring. So my new plan is to call and speak to my dad when I know my step-mom is working. Because if I call when she is there, my dad just hands over the phone after 2 minutes, and I get stuck talking to her for an hour. So call when she's not there, and be honest with my dad about what's going on, but also honest about why I have not told him up to now. Set clear limits about what I need from them, and let him decide how and what to tell my step-mom about what's going on. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I also don't think I'd be able to explain this to her in a way that wouldn't. Or that she'd hear.

So that's the plan. We'll see if I stick with it.

I'm back

Well, I survived the long weekend. It was fine for the most part. I did not spill the beans to my dad and step-mom. They didn't even push it, frankly, they were obsessed with my niece, who was also there, so I was not on the hot seat.

But the saga is not over. I got my protocol calendar, and while I think it is a bit off (they estimated my period will arrive after CD 34, which I think is too long), I will most likely be at the far away clinic for a week at the end of September. Which of course coincides with my step-mom and dad's visit to town. They will be here for a conference during the week, and are staying the weekend to see my brother's family and me. So the gig will be up then.

My revised plan is to see exactly when AF comes, and what my revised calendar will then look like. Then a phone call to my dad, explaining what's been going on, and why I won't be around when they come here. Not looking forward to that. I'll think about that later. After all, de Nile is not just a river in Egypt. Ha ha.

On more interesting news, my endometrial biopsy is scheduled for this coming Monday. While my ob-gyn will actually snip the bit of lining out, I have to mail it off to a special lab for testing. It is amazing, all these parts of my body I ship off all over the country. My blood, my lining. It's odd. But I guess this whole IF thing is odd. What's one more thing to add to the list.

And my protocol. It is different this time, a micro-dose Lup.ron flare. Much shorter, really just one month long, versus having to do the long Lu.pron protocol that really takes 2 cycles to do. We'll see how it goes!

Going home

Tomorrow I'm leaving town, getting on a plane, and visiting my childhood home. Both my parents still live there, my mom in the house I grew up in.

I love my parents, but I also love that I live half-way across the country from them.

My mom knows all about the IF struggles, I had to tell her last X-mas when our trip home for the holidays was delayed due to an IUI. She has been supportive, but non-intrusive. She waits for me to tell her, and if I've been quiet, she gently asks if I want to talk about it.

My father, on the other hand, does not know anything. He has remarried, and while my step-mom is kind, and means well, and is generally well-intentioned, she can be very overbearing and talkative. Like cannot stop talking. And in all that talking at you, she can occasionally say some stupid things. Adding to that, my father and step-mom are both physicians. So they love to discuss all the medical details of whatever situation.

I have been debating over and over whether to tell them about what Mr. P and I have been going through. On the one hand, I want them to understand what's going on with me, the stress, etc. And for them to understand better when our schedule does not jive with theirs. But on the other hand, I simply don't want to have this conversation with my step-mom. I don't want to hear about all her friends that went through this or that, stopped trying and got pregnant, took the different protocol that I'm on and it worked, blah, blah, blah. She never had children. I think she and my dad may have briefly tried, and when it looked like it would not be an easy thing, that was it. No IF treatments for her. So I also don't want her living vicariously through my experience. I just don't want any part of sharing this with her, it will suck all the life out of me.

I will see her this weekend. And I know she and my dad are wondering what's up. She's asked my sister-in-law, who thankfully just played dumb. And I don't want to get into it.

So while I'm looking forward to going home (well, to my childhood home) I am not sure how I'm going to deal with all of this. My strategy is to avoid being alone in a room with her, avoid any sort of girl talk situations.

Wish me luck.

Award Ceremony

Yay! My first award! My first thought when I got the One Lovely Blog award was, "Somebody actually reads this blog?" Actually, 3 people do, and they all like it!

Many thanks to Kelli, Mad Hatter and Scrambled Egg for my Lovely Blog award.

So the deal is it is a bit like a chain letter. I must pass this award on to other blogs, following these instructions:

Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Ok, maybe not 15, but here's some lovely and/or newly discovered blogs:

TeeJay at Inconceivable!
Gracie at Gracie in Brooklyn
Hope at Hope in Virginia
Jill at Redefining the Birds and Bees
Gabby at Adventures in Glass

Everyone else that I would nominate for this has already gotten it recently, so I'll stay with my short list.

But know that I think all the blogs I ready by all of the strong, resilient women and men facing IF are lovely!

The visit

If I had to describe the far away clinic in one word, it would have to be impressive. From the physical place, the kindness of everyone we met, to the knowledge that was shared with us, it was all impressive.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. We had a painless flight out, even arrived early! A good omen, I thought. I look for those good omens everywhere now. Didn't sleep very well that night, mostly because of a bad mattress and a snore-y husband. But I was up and ready to go in the morning.

We found the place with no problem, and checked in. Met with the doctor first, I'll call him Dr. Famous. He was very approachable, and relaxed. Which put us at ease. I've read many things about this doctor, and I found him much more approachable and kind than what I read. Which was nice. Since we had talked to him a month ago, and nothing had changed since now and then, we didn't have much new to talk about. But we went over all that we'd do that day, which turns out to be quite a bit.

So over the course of the next 6+ hours, we did more than I think we've done in the last year. Mr. P donated some of his swimmers (his comment on "the room": a bit more spartan, but more current reading and media, so overall thumbs up), did fancy ultrasound with a separate monitor on the wall so I did not have to crane my neck to see the screen (how great is that? they actually want you to see your scans!), we gave a ton of blood (me: 7 vials, Mr. P: only 3. grrrr), met with our nurse for almost 2 hours, met with a really great genetics counselor, and I had the coochie cam. Literally, a fiber optic camera pushed up into my uterus. Which was not so fun.

So what did we learn? Well, a lot of the data is still being tallied. We'll have to wait another few weeks to get all of the genetic testing back. And I have to wait towards the end of my cycle to do the endometrial biopsy locally. But we did learn mostly good and and a few not so good things.

The good: I have good blood flow to my uterus, meaning electro-acupuncture is not needed for me. My Day 3 FSH was down into the normal range again (8.6!), and I have 12-16 resting follies. Which is great news. Mr. P's swimmers are doing well. We are eligible to do the clinical study involving PGS, specifically microarray/CGH. This was one of the big draws to the far away clinic, and I am very glad we can hopefully have our embies looked at for abnormality before we put them back in.

The not as good: I have a very small fibroid pushing on the lining in my uterus. It was only seen on u/s, and Dr. Famous did not see it protruding into my uterus on the coochie cam. It is located on the inner part of the uterus, on top of which the lining develops. And it is small. He said it is a toss up as to whether it has been interfering with implantation, and a toss up if I should even remove it at all. He left the decision with me. We discussed it, first with the doctor, then with just me and Mr. P, and then with the nurse. Mr. P and I really don't want to delay another cycle to have it removed, and discussed other options. In the end, we decided to have it removed during the wait after retrieval, before FET, when we wait about 6 weeks for the PGS results. It does mean another trip to the far away clinic, but if it is one less thing I have to worry about interfering with getting pregnant, I have to do it.

So that is it. We will get additional test results back over the next few weeks, and I'll get my protocol and cycle schedule next week. As of now, it looks like stims begin in mid to late September. With the fibroid surgery, PGS wait, and the holidays when their lab closes, I think FET would be in January. We might be able to squeeze in the schedule for mid-December, but I'm preparing for January.

I'm feeling very good about the choice of going with the far away clinic. The difference between them and the care I've gotten at my old doctors is huge. Things my old RE would not even consider as issues are just the areas the new clinic is taking most seriously.

The only bad part of the trip was getting back home. Thunderstorms diverted our incoming plane to another city. After that long day, and the cramps and spotting I was having after the coochie cam, I could not bear waiting around for hours and hours hoping that plane would make it to the far away clinic city, only to get home at 2 AM. Mr. P took one look at me, and changed our flight for the next morning, and booked us in a nice hotel. We got to the lovely hotel, I went horizontal right away, ate yummy room service and was asleep by 9pm. But up again at 4am, and finally got back home at 10am Friday. So it was a long trip back, and I'm still feeling worn out. So the plan is a restful weekend, and begin getting all of the new info from the far away clinic organized on Monday.

Tough times

I'm finally back, and catching up on all the blogs. Wow, what a tough few days I've missed. Many of those fellow IFers have had disappointing or tragic news over the last few days, and I'm just feeling sad about it all. My heart goes out to everyone living through it, as well as to those of us that are reading along and feeling the pain too.

I'll post all about the visit to the far away clinic later, it just feels hard to get my thoughts together about my experience while I'm still feeling for everyone else.

Blood and wine

Whew! Another busy weekend. Just getting to checking on my blog today, and catching up with everyone else. Kelli also honored me with my first award, which is so nice! But I'm still planning my award nominations to pass on, so that will be for the next post.

So the weekend. First off, blood. I've read that the far away clinic wants to test CD 3 blood work in their lab. But as I am not "officially" a patient of theirs yet, they cannot order this for me. But I know they want it, and I know I don't want to wait until my next cycle to give it to them. They want the blood drawn locally, spun into serum, and frozen. Then I FedEx it to them. So I went ahead and had the blood drawn Saturday morning at a new lab. My old doctor would not do this for me, and the nurse actually got a little snarky over the phone when I told her what I needed. If you can hear eye rolls over the phone, that is what I heard from her. She guessed what clinic wanted this, and then dramatically bit her tongue with the scathing comment she wanted to make. Whatever.

So now I have vials of frozen serum in my freezer. I had to warn Mr. P so he wouldn't think they were some sort of new molecular gastronomy recipe I was trying out. And I'll ship it out this afternoon. Yeah, I could carry it with me on the plane Wednesday, but the thought of trying to explain this to a TSA person makes me tired.

"What's in the box, ma'am?"

"Ummm, my frozen blood serum."

"But its not red."

"Yeah, its serum."

"Well, is that more than 3 ounces? Is it in a ziplock bag?"

"Sigh..."

So it ships and it'll be waiting for me at the far away clinic on Thursday.

And wine. We had another wedding on Saturday, it was the antithesis of the wedding from last weekend. Adults only, urban, no large wedding party, older-ish couple. And this time a short cab ride away, no need for me to be the designated driver. Yay! This is the wedding of two friends that met at a third friend's party a few years back. They could be the sweetest couple, and just seem so happy to have found each other. That third friend performed the ceremony for them (his 3rd wedding, his first being ours!) and it was just lovely. And the wedding was so much fun. I drank a lot of wine, took off my shoes and cut a serious rug. Great fun had by all, and a really nice way to send the newlyweds off.

P.S. - Thanks Hope for the tip on the free blog layouts! What do you think of the new look?

On schedule

Yes, that's right. For once, thank you (insert your chosen deity here), I am actually on schedule. AF came right on time, which means everything will be on schedule for my visit to the far away clinic next week.

NEXT WEEK! Can you believe it?

I'm sort of amazed the time went faster this wait. But it is almost here. We fly out next Wednesday afternoon, and the all-day appointment is Thursday. I've been a bit superstitious about making plans for this trip, because it relied on me (well, on my good buddy AF) being on time. I scheduled this appointment last month, and it must occur between CD 5-13. Which means if I was really late (like I was last month) I would have to reschedule. So I booked the flight, but no hotel, no car rental. Now I can book everything. Yay!

I hope this is a good omen for this next phase. Things happening as they should, when they should. Wouldn't that be nice?

Weddings and dumb comments

Mr. P and I had a busy weekend. We had his cousin's wedding on Saturday, which was about an hour's drive from our house. The wedding was fine, they are a couple in their 20's so it was a young wedding. Big wedding party, they do all the traditional things, etc. And I was the designated driver, and as the reception went on, I realized that weddings are not as fun when you aren't imbibing. Or 25.

There were also many kids at this wedding. All very cute in their dressed-up clothes. My mother-in-law had so much fun with all the little kids. It made me sad to watch, she is the only one out of her siblings not to be a grandmother yet. She is so good about not pressuring us, and she does not know what we've been through so far. But it is clear nothing would make her happier than a grandchild or three. All I could think was, "I'm trying!!" And felt bad about the whole thing.

And in other weekend adventures, I got my greys colored and picked up dry cleaning. Both places were filled with dumb comments. At the hair place, the guy cutting hair next to me and his client were talking about IF. Something about his sister trying IVF. So the client goes into the "they should just relax, IVF is too stressful, I had a friend who stopped trying and got pregnant" BS. I was ready to jump out of my chair and yell at her. But I didn't. And later that day at my dry cleaner, the Thai owner of the business asks me in her accented English, "You pregnant yet?" and I say no, no baby and she keeps going and says "You get pregnant soon? Maybe next year?" I mumble something like "I dunno" and run out of there. I know she's trying to be nice, but damn. I guess people play the odds and think I'm in the 80% that can get pregnant whenever I want.

It's amazing how IF just permeates your life and experiences. Even at a joyous event like a wedding, or something as mundane as picking up dry cleaning, I'm confronted with the fact I can't be like everyone else. I can't just have a baby. It sucks.

Everyone else is doing it so...

As I've been browsing lots of new blogs during ICLW, I've noticed lots of people doing the A-B-Cs. And since I have nothing to report on the IF front (yes, the waiting is still killing me, ugh) and I'm a joiner copy-cat, here we go!

A - The first letter of my IRL first name

B - My hubby's IRL nickname

C - Cats! I love all cats, pictures of cats, and can watch endless you.tub.e videos of cats

D - dining out, a favorite hobby of mine

E - Eggs, I hated them all my life until 3 years ago. Now I love and crave them.

F - Foodie, yeah I'm one of those smug people that know too much about food and wine

G - Grey hair - at 36 I'm amazed how many I have (and subsequently dye)

H - heights, i'm afraid of them, but force myself to confront it

I - I'm of Italian ancestry. Ciao!

J - I love listening to Jazz, especially while driving and on weekend mornings

K - karma, something I think exists more and more these days

L - Liz, my cute-as-can-be niece. I love her and she breaks my heart all at the same time

M - mom, I love mine, and want to be one very badly!

N - nuts along with...
O - ...olives and...
P - ...popcorn (homemade on the stove only!) are my favorite snacks

Q - questions - I always have tons, but forget them when its time to ask them

R - restraint, something I'm not known for IRL

S - swimming, which I grew up doing competitively, and recently started doing again

T - Tea, I drink it every morning instead of coffee

U - Umps, my cat's nickname (and she thinks is her real name, because we never call her by her given name)

V - video camera, what I've been wanting to buy recently. Maybe one of those Flip ones.

W - Wrigley Field, the best place to spend an afternoon. Go Cubs!

X - I got nothing. X-ray? I'm not very X-rated? Lame, I know. Sorry.

Y - Yelp - I love this site!

Z - the first letter of my IRL last name. And Zappos, what a great store!!

Well, that was fun, and harder than it looks.