Where could she be?

AF watch 2009!

Still no sign of the gal, but her little dog Spot has finally swung by. This is CD 34 for me. I have never, ever, not ever been this late before. I have tracked this religiously for coming on 2 years now, and the latest I ever was was CD 31. I'm a steady 27-28 day kind of girl. And thanks for the suggestions of a day in white pants to coax her out of hiding. Although I think white pants are lovely on some people, in an effort not to look like the Stay-Puff Marshmallow Man, I have avoided this fashion choice. So maybe my fashion choices have offended her, and that's why she refuses to come visit.

And yes, I did POAS. Negative, like I thought.

This is my first month off since getting my IVF#2 BFN on May 26. And I did IVF #1 and #2 back-to-back (not recommended!), so this is the first time my body is on its own hormone-wise in several months. Since mid-February.

Is this normal? Should I be concerned? Has IVF hormones completely screwed up my body? Please, someone tell me a story that confirms I am, in fact, ok.

Thanks!

I wanted to thank everyone who has commented on or visited my blog this week for ICLW. It really means a lot to me to get your comments, empathy and well-wishes. And serious thanks to Mel for organizing it, what a wonderful thing for us first-timers!!

It is almost 1 week until my big consult, I am trying so hard not to think about it, but it is always lurking in my mind. I am ready to be moving forward in this process again. I feel very stagnant now, although I also get that I need a break. I see-saw back and forth, one minute thinking how nice is it not to be bloated, to be working out again, to have a drink here and there. But then I flop over to wanting to be working actively towards getting pregnant, and moving on to another phase of my life. The roller coaster continues, even when I am not doing anything.

I'm also waiting for AF, just cause I need one more thing to wait for. For all you ladies that have a failed IVF under your belt, is it normal to have your cycles messed up for a while after? I am usually fairly predictable, but I'm on CD 30, and still no sign of my auntie. Just wondering.

Have a lovely weekend all. I'm off to watch the Cubs-Sox crosstown classic. Go Cubbies!

Still waiting...

I had lunch today with someone (let's call her Mary) who began as a colleague and has become a good friend of mine, outside of work. My friendship began with Mary almost exactly a year ago, when we decided just the 2 of us should go out for drinks after work. We go to a lovely place by my house, with a nice patio outside and settle in. We get our drinks and begin chatting, and she spills the beans that she and her husband are thinking about trying to have kids. So I light up, because at this point in my IF journey, I am nearing the end of the insurance-mandated-1-year-try-on-your-own period, and I have lots to share about this subject. And as Mary is about 2 years older than me, I figure she will need to know all I've learned thus far: OPKs, FSH, HSGs, all the good acronyms any IF girl knows. I even tell her of this great website that has OPKs and POAS sticks cheap. Cause she'll need them, for months and months. Just like me.

So great, we bond. We'll get pregnant soon (or maybe not so soon) and be in this journey together.

Can you guess where this is going?

Bingo! On her first try with her husband, POW! Preggers (and mind you on vacation on a couch somewhere, and she had not even begun to track her cycles!!).

So fast forward to lunch today, almost a year exactly since our fateful drink. She talks about her beautiful baby boy, and I'm talking about my hormone holiday and travelling far away to meet another doctor.

How does this happen?

Sigh...still waiting around over here. Tap, tap, tap.

ICLW

Hello and welcome! It's ICLW time!

This is my first ICLW, and I'm very excited about having new readers to my blog. For those of you that may have stumbled on my blog and don't know what ICLW is, go to the orange link on the right to learn more about ICLW and Mel and her great Stirrup Queens blog. Her blog is a truly priceless resource I visit all the time.

A bit of background on me, the hubby and I have been TTC for 2 years. We've done 4 IUIs with Clo.mid and 2 IVF cycles, all that were BFNs. Currently I'm enjoying a hormone holiday (and all the caffeine and beer that comes with it!!) while seeking second opinions. We are seriously considering an out-of-state clinic, and are waiting for our consult with them (on July 6). I also like to cook and read cooking blogs, so check out my blog list on the side there for some yummy looking blogs.

I was a long-time IF blog lurker, and am now a very new (and sorta insecure) blogger. I have found so much comfort in reading IF blogs over the last year or so, and recently felt it was time for me to join the conversation. Even though it seems like, for the next several weeks at least, I don't have much IF stuff going on. But hopefully you'll keep me company during my wait for the second opinion!

So welcome again! Please leave a comment, say hello, tell me a bit about you and your roller coaster through IF, or about what food reminds you most of summer! Mine is a big bowl of cherries, cool from the fridge on a hot afternoon in the backyard. Heaven!

Mailed off

One step closer to my second opinion appointment - the whole chart is mailed off. It was a lot of paper. So more waiting...

And to keep busy, I've been watching lots of baseball. As a Midwest transplant (I was born an East Coast girl), I've started following the Cubs. I think watching the Cubs is good preparation for the roller coaster that is infertility treatment. If you didn't know, or care, the Cubs have not won a World Series in 100 years. And yet, despite it all, they are known for very devoted fans. Wrigley Field is packed every day. These fans have faith, they do not lose hope, they watch the ups and downs and stick with their Cubbies. The Cubs occasionally delight you, they often keep you on the edge of your seat, they frequently (at least this season) fail. But as a new fan, I keep watching them, and rooting them on. There is always the next game.

I think this is good for me. I'm not a faith-filled person by nature. I happily call myself a pessimist (or the more preferred "realist"). But the Cubs (and 2 failed IVFs) have shown me that I can see the hope, the promise, the possibility of a better outcome, even when faced with previous failure. Both for me and for the Cubs.

Now let's get some runs! (and a BFP!!)

Medical Chart Review

I survived the weekend, and seeing everyone. No one seemed to blink an eye that I was having a glass of wine. I am now completely convinced everyone either knows or strongly suspects what is going on with me and Mr. P. Whatever, as long as I don't have to engage in conversation with them about it, they can gossip all they want when I'm not there.

The best news of the weekend is I finally got all of the medical records from all of the docs we've seen so far in the quest for a child. Mr. P's urologist records came yesterday, so now I have about 75 pages of paper, from my ob/gyn, hematologist, RE and now the urologist. My job today is to organize it, copy it and mail it off to the second opinion doctor. It's good, it gives me something to do, and feels like I'm not just waiting for my appointment. We have about 3 more weeks until the big consult (its on July 6), and I cannot wait. But I will.

So I will keep myself busy with cooking some new things. I feel like I've been eating badly this weekend, so it is all veggies all the time for the rest of the week. Ok, maybe some beans or chicken too, but lots of veggies. And fruit too. Not sure what I'll make yet, it depends on what looks good at the store.

What do you eat/cook when you feel the need to eat healthy?

beans in and out of the jar

After reading Hope in VA's blog (sorry, I don't know how to hyperlink that, but her blog is on my blog list to the right - go visit her!) I am thinking about disclosure. As I commented to her, since we began this journey, my stance has changed. Sorta.

This was already on my mind as this weekend approaches, because we have a busy weekend of seeing both former work and our broad social group. But first, a bit of background.

When we first began trying to get pregnant on our own, our friends were just starting to have children. We would have been in the "first wave" at that time. So it wasn't something we talked about directly, and it wasn't a big deal. After a year of no success, and RE appointments began, I sought out a few people that had gone thru IF treatments. They were mostly outside our immediate circle of friends. Other than that, I was adamant about not telling anyone. I felt shame, I felt like an oddity, I felt this strong need for privacy. And I didn't want to have conversations about being infertile at a picnic. So during the 4 IUIs, it wasn't such a big deal. I did unmedicated IUIs, so no real bloat, or other side effects that kept me from my regular life. It was easy to keep it to ourselves. Until my cycle fell around Xmas. I was hedging with my family (who live a plane ride away) about when Mr. P and I would get home for the holiday. My mother, who loves a plan set in place months beforehand, was becoming more and more irritated that we hadn't booked our tickets. And then the cycle looked like we would do the IUI Xmas eve. Shit. So I came clean with my mom. I was so scared, felt so vulnerable doing that. But after I did, I felt nothing but relief. And my mother was so great about it. And is now a good support to me.

I think this was a turning point for me. It made me realize it might be my issue, my need for control, and not so much about the other people in my life. But I say this with a caveat. There are still people in our life that we have not told. My father and stepmother, we have not told. While I love them, they can be overbearing and opinionated. And while they would be supportive in their own way, their kind of support often feels smothering. So I have chosen not to tell them. And that feels right. We chose not to tell Mr. P's family, mostly his choice, because he thinks they would be so worried, it would be harder on them. Too much anxiety, and we can't soothe that for them. So we don't tell.

And our group of friends. Well, this is tough. We are a social, cocktailing sort, and it stands out greatly when I am not partaking. So I've been absent. Noticeably absent. Which has created stress for Mr. P, who is left covering for me. Which means him lying to our friends. When it first began, it was easier, but now months have gone by, and they are wondering and questioning more and more. So Mr. P and I have agreed that he may tell a few chosen people. I don't want to discuss it (mostly for fear of crying at a picnic) but at least it will explain when the hell I've been, or why I drink water. Without the JD.

As we move to our next steps, seeking second opinions both locally and nationally, we may have to tell more people. If we choose to do IVF #3 away from home, it will disrupt family vacations, and I'll be away for a few weeks. People notice these things.

What to say?

I guess I'm feeling less private about this, after a year of going through it. I mean really, what am I ashamed of? That I want a child that is created from me and the man I love? And that I'm willing to go through hell and high water (and shots in the ass) to get there? Doesn't that just speak to how committed I am for my unborn children? Isn't that a good thing? And frankly, after a year of this, I'd rather spend my energy trying to get pregnant than towards hiding.

Unless I think you'll be an ass-hat. Then you get nothing.

Internist today and foodie yesterday

I went to my internist today, for a general physical. It was strange. I've been to so many doctor appointments over the last year for all of the IF fun-and-games. So when I saw my internist (who I haven't seen in 3 years! whoops) it was strange to talk about my body outside of infertility. Like my whole wellness had become tied up in IF, and I forgot that there is a lot of my body that is very healthy and doing what it should be. It was actually good perspective-taking, to know my body isn't a total failure.

And I've been cooking this week, mostly inspired by my favorite foodie blogs. I made the most yummy fresh limeade, from one of the recipes on The Kitchn. It was easy to do, and was good on its own, or with lime-flavored seltzer water, or as my husband had it, with a splash or three of vodka. If you are looking for a taste of summer, because the weather here is not exactly giving me the summer vibes, try this limeade. Also, hubby and I went to our local farmers' market this weekend, and got fresh strawberries, among other things. So I tried the summer crisp recipe from A Girl, A Market, A Meal blog. When I was making it, I thought for sure it would never turn out right. The topping was one of the most odd preparations I've ever seen, and it looks like a hot mess when you put it in the oven. But damn if it was not the best fruit crisp I've ever made! And easy too, once you trust that mixing egg into dry ingredients is not crazy. I'm gonna try it with peaches tonight. Mmmmmmm...

My first post

So...it begins. I've been a long-time lurker on many IF blogs, and I guess it is time to join the discussion. A little bit about us so far: My husband (Mr. P) and I have been TTC for about 2 years. We've been married for 3, but have been together for almost 8 years. We never thought it would be so hard. We've done it all - carefree sex, timed sex, OPK sex, 4 IUIs and now 2 IVFs. None has worked so far. And we don't really know why. So while we like the clinic we've been at for the invasive stuff, we are seeking second opinions now. I guess this blog is more to help me sort out all the info that will be coming our way over the next few months as we decide our next steps towards becoming parents.

Getting second opinions - have you done it? Did it change the treatment path you were on? Things you wish you knew before having that second opinion appointment? Good questions to ask?