Day 3 results

Where does the time go? It's a mystery.

Anyway, I finally got my Day 3 testing results back. Just to show how different things are these days, I FedExed my blood back to the far away clinic last Wednesday, like a week ago Wednesday, and just got the results yesterday. Like 8 days later. Which just goes to show you, I'm not the same on-top-of-it girl I once was.

And just to show you I really have no clue what I'm talking about anymore, they don't test my TSH like I thought in my last post, but FSH. Duh. Oh yeah, I remember that FSH now.

(Question for all you smart endocrine girls out there - MTL, I'm looking at you - is FSH or any of these hormones tested at all altered by taking the syn.throid? Just wondering.)

So it was not as bad as I feared, which isn't to say it was all good either. FSH was 9.6, e2 was 23, LH was 3.8. So those are all good, within desired ranges. The bad news is my AMH has tanked to 0.8. Granted, this is expected with aging, but still doesn't bode well for retrieving lots of eggs. And as a reference, my AMH was 2.4 in '09.

Dr. Famous wants to have me on the same protocol I did in Jan '10, the same protocol that produced the Critter. Making sure to include the HGH, which I did last time too. No Tour de France win for me.

Again, I think we are not gonna cycle til the Spring (March? April?), but I'm glad these labs are done. One less thing, ya know? I'm still feeling a bit...Overwhelmed? Ambivalent? Detached? Scared?...about it all. I want the kid, I'm just not so sure I want all the drama that comes with making the kid. But such is life, and I must inject the bad in my ass to get the good, sweet-smelling, spit-uppiness that I crave.

not like riding a bike at all

When I contacted my nurse at the far away clinic to see about the logistics of cycling again, I ended the email by saying how it had been a while since I've cycled, and to give me any information I forgot to even ask about.

It's true, it feels like FOREVER and three days since I've done this. Almost three years, if you want an accurate number. January 2010. It is amazing how the mind works too. I have blocked out so much, forgotten all the crap that goes along with cycling in general, and cycling at the far away clinic, specifically.

Like Day 3 labs. Huh, forgot all about those. TSH (which given I'm on thyroid meds should be in a nice acceptable range), e2, LH, and AMH. I've forgotten what they all mean, what levels I should have, I've forgotten all of it. I used to live and die by these numbers, and now...poof, it's all gone. And of course the far away clinic will only let their lab run these tests, so I have to get a blood shipping kit sent to me, get the blood drawn on the right day, freeze it and ship it back to them. Which of course costs money, out of pocket money. Sigh, I forgot just how fast everything rings up there.

Honestly, I feel a bit overwhelmed getting back into this again. I don't have the time or energy to care as much as I used to, to be on top of things like that. And the cost, well, it weighs on me more now than it ever did before. Money that could be going to our house fund, or to stuff for the Critter.

I thought today, as I was working to get this shipping kit sent to me, that if my labs come back as total shit, maybe that will be enough for me to end this. But then I realized I have no idea what total shit labs would even look like!

It is beginning to feel a bit crazy around here. Stay tuned.

21 months

Happy 21st, Critter Girl! You are become more and more of a person, with all that goes along with that, every day. Let's see what highlights there are this month...

3 words! And real sentences! Your language development continues to amaze me. You regularly chain two words together now, everything gets an adjective it seems: big truck, hot coffee, fluffy cat. And you have begun using phrases like "I like it." With about 85% accuracy on that one too! Every day more strings of words. And you like playing around with plural, so you count every thing: "One cherry, two cherries!" Lots of counting around here.

Swimming! To continue with your love of all things water, we went swimming together in a real pool this month. You've been in kiddie pools, and zero depth, where you can walk in on your own and it is only waist deep on you. But now we have an indoor pool to go to for the winter, and of course, you love it. You have no fear of the water still (which can scare Momma quite a bit), and you love to splash, watch Momma blow bubbles, kick your legs, wave your arms underwater, and generally enjoy the water. I hope you love water as much as I do your whole life.

The Tower! You got to the point in the kitchen that Momma or Dada couldn't do anything with you whining to be picked up so you could see the action. So we caved in and got you an observation tower. You love it, and you can get in and out of it yourself no problem. You helped me make tomato sauce today, you like to play in the sink, you and Dada now can make waffles so much easier. Great purchase, for everyone.

I am having so much fun getting to know you every day. Your personality is emerging as sweet, happy, a bit shy, and very smart. I love you, my sweet Critter Girl.

anniversary present

It was Mr. P and my anniversary last week. 6 years married, and about 6 more together before we got married, but hey, who's counting at this point?? We celebrated on Saturday by going out to dinner at a place we had both wanted to try for a while. We got reservations several weeks ago, and I was really been looking forward to a date night out.

So we are having a nice dinner, we ate some really yummy stuff, had some nice cocktails and wine (ahhh, booze, so nice to have you in my life again!) and nice conversation. Then there is a natural lull in the conversation, I think I had my mouth full of some delicious octopus, and out blurts Mr. P, "Let's do it!"

I look up at him and say, "What?" with my full mouth. Swallow and smile a bit. He says, "You know what." And I smile more.

I ask him if he is sure, and what made him change his mind. He said it wasn't really a change of mind, but more of a chance to think about it more (he is totally the one in our relationship that thinks things through over time, unlike me who just jumps right in). He said that while work is total crap right now, he doesn't want his work to determine if we should try to grow our family. We will make it work, regardless of his work situation. Then he just said, "And the Critter is just so awesome, how could we not?"

That's exactly my point. How could we not try?

So we are back in the game, people. I have an email in to my nurse at the far away clinic to discuss logistics of a final cycle in Feb/March. I think we will skip the genetic testing this time around - it is so expensive, and honestly didn't give me too much great info last time - so maybe a fresh transfer too? I'm not sure with the depot loopyron if that is an option.

I'm excited. Trying not to be too hopeful. But definitely excited.

coming out?

I was at the park yesterday with the Critter Girl, and we were joined in the sandbox by a girl I guessed to be about Critter's age, maybe a few months older. And then her mother and baby brother came over too, and the mom and I started chatting, as moms at the park are apt to do.

We chatted about the girls ages (they were in fact 5 months apart), kids clothing we liked, her work (she works 4 days and is home Fridays with the kids), me being a SAHM, blah, blah, blah. It was a nice, easy conversation, I enjoyed talking with her while the girls led us all over the playground.

While we were pushing the girls on the swings she asked me if we were interested in having another child. Innocent question, and fit in with the flow of the conversation. I think she had been talking about how her son came a little quicker than she thought he would. It didn't seem intrusive or odd that she asked.

I replied that we would love to have another child or two, but life may not work out the way we want it to. I said that the Critter was hard-won, and it took almost 4 years to get her. While I didn't say the word infertile, I clearly conveyed it.

I think she was a bit surprised to hear this, I mean who says this out loud? But she was very nice, and said how the Critter is all the more special for it and gave us a nice smile.

We went on talking about other mommy things, and then it was time to go. We said our goodbyes, and hoped to meet up on another Friday when she was home from work.

I strolled the Critter home, thinking about what I had said. I don't know if I'd ever acknowledged my infertility to someone who was not a close friend or family member. It was a first for me, and I must say, it felt nice to be honest. To admit that having a child/ren can be hard, if not impossible. To spread the awareness a bit.

life chugs on

Again another week between posts. Not intentional, but time seems to escape me these days.

Life is chug, chug, chugging along here. It is sort of funny, how I am able to slip right back into our routines, our ruts, our life, even when we are also in the midst of some major life decisions. The Critter and I go about our days, having fun together, going to her classes, the park, on playdates, to the store. Everyday life things. And it is fun, I'm happy in our routine.

Then I'll see the preggers lady pushing a stroller with a kid about Critter's age, and my stomach will drop a bit. It is not as bad, as visceral, a reaction as I used to have in my pre-Critter days, but it still makes me pause for a second. Pause to curb my jealousy, mostly.

Mr. P and I are in "thinking about it" mode. Which means we really haven't talked about it since last week's big talk. I did contact my insurance, and we do have 2 more IVF tries paid for. So that's nice, I guess. But like I said, just because insurance will cover, if we go to the far-away clinic again to cycle, much comes out of pocket too. So it is hardly free, or fully covered.

He is also weighing the idea of leaving his current job. A crazy thing, perhaps, in this day and age. But he is investigating options, and seeing what else is out there for him. Even if he did leave, he'd get some sort of severance, so that weighs into the decision too. I does scare me a bit, but I hope that it will be worth it in the end. We shall see.

So that's the deal these days. Life moves along, regardless of the inner turmoil that may be going on. And sometime the routines of life can be very soothing. Lulling me into thinking it will all be ok somehow. Whether it really will be or not, ya know?