I knew it!

For those of us in the unexplained infertility category, you always wonder. Why is this happening, clearly something is not going as it should, why can't they find it? For the most part, this has been my experience. My first RE's explanation was "It's just nature, we can't control everything" meaning that spontaneous genetic abnormalities happen. And that's why it didn't work for me.

But I always had a sneaking suspicion that something else was going on. Things always went well, stimming went well, ER went well, fert went well, transfer went well. So what's left? Implantation. I always had this lingering, back-of-the-mind suspicion that something was off here. When asking my old RE about it, he just poo-poo'ed me, and said no, that couldn't be it. I didn't have endometriosis. And he would not look into it.

Well, the e-tegrity test results came back late yesterday, and just as I suspected. I lack this beta-3 integrin protein that facilitates implantation.

I knew it!!!

That was my reaction when the nurse told me. I felt vindicated in a way. I was right to ditch the other doc, I was right to push for this test. Ha! I knew it!

But where does this leave me, once the vindication wears off? Well, I'm not 100% sure. I woke up today feeling a bit more scared about the whole thing. The nurse said it was good we were planning a freeze-all cycle, since now they need to treat me before transfer. They are recommending 2 months on De.po Lup.ron, before doing the FET. I have not had much of a chance to ask Dr. Google about what these results mean, and what this treatment is about. That is today's plan. If you know about this at all, please leave a comment about your experience. I'm trying not to freak out without more information and knowledge. After I get that, then I'll freak.

In other news, I also found out that our karyotypes were normal, no translocations! So that's great! And I got my official IVF calendar, because lovely AF showed yesterday. On time, again!

Dear Auntie, I apologize for all the mean comments I've mead about your timeliness, your senility, your sense of direction. I take it all back. You have been right on time, and I thank you for that.

That's where it all stands now. Ordering meds, getting ready to start BCP tomorrow. It's hard to imagine after months of waiting, I am moving again. But it's happening. Keep your fingers crossed for me, hell, keep 'em crossed for the next month!

Money and travels

Thanks to all of you that left well-wishes after the biopsy! It is just so nice to hear from you all, and know that I'm not alone. Seriously, thanks.

I'm back to normal, a little spotting left, but it has really decreased since Monday. I sort of thought it would just blend into AF (I usually spot some 1-2 days before she arrives), but it seems to be lessening. I'm on CD 27 today, so hopefully by Friday, she'll be here. If you happen to see her wandering around, please direct her over to my house. Thanks.

Mr. P and I looked at the cost of all this again yesterday. We need to pay a bunch before I start injections in a few weeks. Now, for all of you self-pay people, just skip this next part. Go on, I'll see you at the next paragraph. Up until now, all of our IF diagnostics and treatment have been covered by insurance. Meds too. Sure, I had a co-pay here and there, but nothing out of pocket. All 4 IUIs and both IVFs. Fully covered. Yes, I am very very thankful for this.

Working with the far away clinic is a big lesson on the cost of health care and insurance coverage. Again, we still have great insurance, which will reimburse some. But this is new to us, and figuring out exactly what we'll pay for and what will be covered has been confusing. In network, out of network, reimbursement rates, its so much to keep track of! It would be easier if I just knew it will cost XX amount, and budget for that. But we will get some covered, but not exactly sure which parts, and what % they will cover. We're budgeting for the worst. And what is frustrating is that if we stayed here, locally, it would still be fully covered. But I just can't feel good about that option - given the poor results we've gotten so far with the local clinic. So pay we will.

And Mr. P is leaving tonight on a business trip out of the country. He'll be gone til Sunday, which isn't that long, but it seems like it to me. And there is something about him being farther away (in another hemisphere!) that will make me miss him more. But as he says, "We gotta pay the bills!" so off he goes.

I'll call the nurse tomorrow to get test results, so I'll update when that happens.

E-tegrity

I had a fun morning. After getting up, showering, taking 4 Ad.vil, and dropping off the dry cleaning, I had my GYN appointment. They've moved offices since I was there about 18 months ago. Yup, as I was reminded today, the last time I was there I was about 6 months into TTC on our own. Such blissful ignorance I had then. But, relevant to this story, the office was not in the same place. So I had a mini-freak out trying to find the new place, and end up parking in the wrong garage. Hey, what's another $21? Chump change for any IF girl.

I finally got there. I forgot what a big practice this is. Huge waiting room, full of pregnant ladies, uncomfortable looking husbands and kids of all ages. Oh, and me. After about a 15 minute wait, they call me back. The doctor comes in to talk to me, she is not my normal doctor, but I had to schedule with her to be seen on the day I needed. Fine, what's another doctor looking up my nether regions? She seems nice enough. After showing her the box of stuff the e-tegrity test people sent me, we're ready to go.

She warns me, "This is going to be uncomfortable, like really bad menstrual cramps." Yeah, I know. I'm loaded up on 800mg of Ad.vil, so bring it on.

The whole thing took about 5 minutes. Standard speculum insertion, and washing the cervix with iodine. Then about 1 minute of sharp pain/cramping when she inserted the pipette through my cervix and scraped out a sample. This was followed by cramps. I'd recently heard about a research study where they found the ability to endure pain was increased if the person could swear. So I was alternating deep breathing with some choice cussing. I think at one point I even said, "I hate those fucking people that can get pregnant on their own!" The doc chuckled I think.

The sample (which was big, like several inches long!) was all packed up, and I went straight to Fed.Ex to send it off. Came home, put on sweatpants, and here I am. Feeling mild cramps, spotting a fair amount, but otherwise ok. I should get the results Thursday or Friday.

So I survived. And I think I have now done all the possible invasive GYN tests. While I may have to repeat a procedure, I don't think there is anything else that would be new to me. So I got that going for me. Gotta find the silver lining somewhere.

August ICLW and other ramblings

Welcome ICLWers!

A little about me: I'm fairly new to blogging, but not so new to TTC. Hubby and I just had our 2 year anniversary of TTC, and the past year has been lots of IUIs (4) and IVFs (2). We've recently sought a second opinion at a clinic out-of-state. After lots of new testing, we begin IVF #3 in about a week (or whenever AF decides to visit). I've really enjoyed my hormone holiday this summer, and feel ready to begin again. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Other ramblings: I've been reading online about my upcoming endometrial biopsy/ e-tegrity test (like what Jill went through) and I'm getting a bit freaked out. I mean, after everything I've been through so far - HSG, 2 ERs, hysteroscopy - can this really be any worse? Apparently for some - yes. God, it just makes me that much more angry at people that get pregnant on their first try. Why do I have to go through all of this crap? Grrrrr.

And I think I've come up with a plan about telling my dad. As I sat down with my calendar, there is no way in hell I will be in town for their visit in September. I'm planning to drive to the far-away clinic, and may even go a bit earlier than I need to for monitoring. So my new plan is to call and speak to my dad when I know my step-mom is working. Because if I call when she is there, my dad just hands over the phone after 2 minutes, and I get stuck talking to her for an hour. So call when she's not there, and be honest with my dad about what's going on, but also honest about why I have not told him up to now. Set clear limits about what I need from them, and let him decide how and what to tell my step-mom about what's going on. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I also don't think I'd be able to explain this to her in a way that wouldn't. Or that she'd hear.

So that's the plan. We'll see if I stick with it.

I'm back

Well, I survived the long weekend. It was fine for the most part. I did not spill the beans to my dad and step-mom. They didn't even push it, frankly, they were obsessed with my niece, who was also there, so I was not on the hot seat.

But the saga is not over. I got my protocol calendar, and while I think it is a bit off (they estimated my period will arrive after CD 34, which I think is too long), I will most likely be at the far away clinic for a week at the end of September. Which of course coincides with my step-mom and dad's visit to town. They will be here for a conference during the week, and are staying the weekend to see my brother's family and me. So the gig will be up then.

My revised plan is to see exactly when AF comes, and what my revised calendar will then look like. Then a phone call to my dad, explaining what's been going on, and why I won't be around when they come here. Not looking forward to that. I'll think about that later. After all, de Nile is not just a river in Egypt. Ha ha.

On more interesting news, my endometrial biopsy is scheduled for this coming Monday. While my ob-gyn will actually snip the bit of lining out, I have to mail it off to a special lab for testing. It is amazing, all these parts of my body I ship off all over the country. My blood, my lining. It's odd. But I guess this whole IF thing is odd. What's one more thing to add to the list.

And my protocol. It is different this time, a micro-dose Lup.ron flare. Much shorter, really just one month long, versus having to do the long Lu.pron protocol that really takes 2 cycles to do. We'll see how it goes!

Going home

Tomorrow I'm leaving town, getting on a plane, and visiting my childhood home. Both my parents still live there, my mom in the house I grew up in.

I love my parents, but I also love that I live half-way across the country from them.

My mom knows all about the IF struggles, I had to tell her last X-mas when our trip home for the holidays was delayed due to an IUI. She has been supportive, but non-intrusive. She waits for me to tell her, and if I've been quiet, she gently asks if I want to talk about it.

My father, on the other hand, does not know anything. He has remarried, and while my step-mom is kind, and means well, and is generally well-intentioned, she can be very overbearing and talkative. Like cannot stop talking. And in all that talking at you, she can occasionally say some stupid things. Adding to that, my father and step-mom are both physicians. So they love to discuss all the medical details of whatever situation.

I have been debating over and over whether to tell them about what Mr. P and I have been going through. On the one hand, I want them to understand what's going on with me, the stress, etc. And for them to understand better when our schedule does not jive with theirs. But on the other hand, I simply don't want to have this conversation with my step-mom. I don't want to hear about all her friends that went through this or that, stopped trying and got pregnant, took the different protocol that I'm on and it worked, blah, blah, blah. She never had children. I think she and my dad may have briefly tried, and when it looked like it would not be an easy thing, that was it. No IF treatments for her. So I also don't want her living vicariously through my experience. I just don't want any part of sharing this with her, it will suck all the life out of me.

I will see her this weekend. And I know she and my dad are wondering what's up. She's asked my sister-in-law, who thankfully just played dumb. And I don't want to get into it.

So while I'm looking forward to going home (well, to my childhood home) I am not sure how I'm going to deal with all of this. My strategy is to avoid being alone in a room with her, avoid any sort of girl talk situations.

Wish me luck.

Award Ceremony

Yay! My first award! My first thought when I got the One Lovely Blog award was, "Somebody actually reads this blog?" Actually, 3 people do, and they all like it!

Many thanks to Kelli, Mad Hatter and Scrambled Egg for my Lovely Blog award.

So the deal is it is a bit like a chain letter. I must pass this award on to other blogs, following these instructions:

Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

Ok, maybe not 15, but here's some lovely and/or newly discovered blogs:

TeeJay at Inconceivable!
Gracie at Gracie in Brooklyn
Hope at Hope in Virginia
Jill at Redefining the Birds and Bees
Gabby at Adventures in Glass

Everyone else that I would nominate for this has already gotten it recently, so I'll stay with my short list.

But know that I think all the blogs I ready by all of the strong, resilient women and men facing IF are lovely!

The visit

If I had to describe the far away clinic in one word, it would have to be impressive. From the physical place, the kindness of everyone we met, to the knowledge that was shared with us, it was all impressive.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. We had a painless flight out, even arrived early! A good omen, I thought. I look for those good omens everywhere now. Didn't sleep very well that night, mostly because of a bad mattress and a snore-y husband. But I was up and ready to go in the morning.

We found the place with no problem, and checked in. Met with the doctor first, I'll call him Dr. Famous. He was very approachable, and relaxed. Which put us at ease. I've read many things about this doctor, and I found him much more approachable and kind than what I read. Which was nice. Since we had talked to him a month ago, and nothing had changed since now and then, we didn't have much new to talk about. But we went over all that we'd do that day, which turns out to be quite a bit.

So over the course of the next 6+ hours, we did more than I think we've done in the last year. Mr. P donated some of his swimmers (his comment on "the room": a bit more spartan, but more current reading and media, so overall thumbs up), did fancy ultrasound with a separate monitor on the wall so I did not have to crane my neck to see the screen (how great is that? they actually want you to see your scans!), we gave a ton of blood (me: 7 vials, Mr. P: only 3. grrrr), met with our nurse for almost 2 hours, met with a really great genetics counselor, and I had the coochie cam. Literally, a fiber optic camera pushed up into my uterus. Which was not so fun.

So what did we learn? Well, a lot of the data is still being tallied. We'll have to wait another few weeks to get all of the genetic testing back. And I have to wait towards the end of my cycle to do the endometrial biopsy locally. But we did learn mostly good and and a few not so good things.

The good: I have good blood flow to my uterus, meaning electro-acupuncture is not needed for me. My Day 3 FSH was down into the normal range again (8.6!), and I have 12-16 resting follies. Which is great news. Mr. P's swimmers are doing well. We are eligible to do the clinical study involving PGS, specifically microarray/CGH. This was one of the big draws to the far away clinic, and I am very glad we can hopefully have our embies looked at for abnormality before we put them back in.

The not as good: I have a very small fibroid pushing on the lining in my uterus. It was only seen on u/s, and Dr. Famous did not see it protruding into my uterus on the coochie cam. It is located on the inner part of the uterus, on top of which the lining develops. And it is small. He said it is a toss up as to whether it has been interfering with implantation, and a toss up if I should even remove it at all. He left the decision with me. We discussed it, first with the doctor, then with just me and Mr. P, and then with the nurse. Mr. P and I really don't want to delay another cycle to have it removed, and discussed other options. In the end, we decided to have it removed during the wait after retrieval, before FET, when we wait about 6 weeks for the PGS results. It does mean another trip to the far away clinic, but if it is one less thing I have to worry about interfering with getting pregnant, I have to do it.

So that is it. We will get additional test results back over the next few weeks, and I'll get my protocol and cycle schedule next week. As of now, it looks like stims begin in mid to late September. With the fibroid surgery, PGS wait, and the holidays when their lab closes, I think FET would be in January. We might be able to squeeze in the schedule for mid-December, but I'm preparing for January.

I'm feeling very good about the choice of going with the far away clinic. The difference between them and the care I've gotten at my old doctors is huge. Things my old RE would not even consider as issues are just the areas the new clinic is taking most seriously.

The only bad part of the trip was getting back home. Thunderstorms diverted our incoming plane to another city. After that long day, and the cramps and spotting I was having after the coochie cam, I could not bear waiting around for hours and hours hoping that plane would make it to the far away clinic city, only to get home at 2 AM. Mr. P took one look at me, and changed our flight for the next morning, and booked us in a nice hotel. We got to the lovely hotel, I went horizontal right away, ate yummy room service and was asleep by 9pm. But up again at 4am, and finally got back home at 10am Friday. So it was a long trip back, and I'm still feeling worn out. So the plan is a restful weekend, and begin getting all of the new info from the far away clinic organized on Monday.

Tough times

I'm finally back, and catching up on all the blogs. Wow, what a tough few days I've missed. Many of those fellow IFers have had disappointing or tragic news over the last few days, and I'm just feeling sad about it all. My heart goes out to everyone living through it, as well as to those of us that are reading along and feeling the pain too.

I'll post all about the visit to the far away clinic later, it just feels hard to get my thoughts together about my experience while I'm still feeling for everyone else.

Blood and wine

Whew! Another busy weekend. Just getting to checking on my blog today, and catching up with everyone else. Kelli also honored me with my first award, which is so nice! But I'm still planning my award nominations to pass on, so that will be for the next post.

So the weekend. First off, blood. I've read that the far away clinic wants to test CD 3 blood work in their lab. But as I am not "officially" a patient of theirs yet, they cannot order this for me. But I know they want it, and I know I don't want to wait until my next cycle to give it to them. They want the blood drawn locally, spun into serum, and frozen. Then I FedEx it to them. So I went ahead and had the blood drawn Saturday morning at a new lab. My old doctor would not do this for me, and the nurse actually got a little snarky over the phone when I told her what I needed. If you can hear eye rolls over the phone, that is what I heard from her. She guessed what clinic wanted this, and then dramatically bit her tongue with the scathing comment she wanted to make. Whatever.

So now I have vials of frozen serum in my freezer. I had to warn Mr. P so he wouldn't think they were some sort of new molecular gastronomy recipe I was trying out. And I'll ship it out this afternoon. Yeah, I could carry it with me on the plane Wednesday, but the thought of trying to explain this to a TSA person makes me tired.

"What's in the box, ma'am?"

"Ummm, my frozen blood serum."

"But its not red."

"Yeah, its serum."

"Well, is that more than 3 ounces? Is it in a ziplock bag?"

"Sigh..."

So it ships and it'll be waiting for me at the far away clinic on Thursday.

And wine. We had another wedding on Saturday, it was the antithesis of the wedding from last weekend. Adults only, urban, no large wedding party, older-ish couple. And this time a short cab ride away, no need for me to be the designated driver. Yay! This is the wedding of two friends that met at a third friend's party a few years back. They could be the sweetest couple, and just seem so happy to have found each other. That third friend performed the ceremony for them (his 3rd wedding, his first being ours!) and it was just lovely. And the wedding was so much fun. I drank a lot of wine, took off my shoes and cut a serious rug. Great fun had by all, and a really nice way to send the newlyweds off.

P.S. - Thanks Hope for the tip on the free blog layouts! What do you think of the new look?