Flashdance!

Ooooh boy, am I hot! Smoking hot! Wanting to rip my clothes like Jennifer Beals in Flashdance hot.

Yeah, the Loopy-ron has kicked in. I am hot-flashing all over the place. I'm generally up a few times each night, sweating up a storm, and have to get out from the sheets, walk to the cool tiles of the bathroom. Then, almost as fast as it comes, it's gone. And I'm cold. Run back to bed, jump under the warm covers. It is truly crazy. And it happens during the day too. Oh yeah, I'm hot, alright!

My mantra is "It will all be worth it in the end" over and over again. It will be, right? It better be.

In fibroid news, Mr. P found out last week that his work really wants him to attend a conference, which of course happens on the exact same days as my fibroid surgery at the far-away clinic. Sigh - our lives are not that interesting or jam-packed. Generally, we don't have that much going on. But when it rains, it pours, right? Everything always seems to happen at the same time. And I really do want him to go to this conference, it will be very good for him, career-wise. So, I called my mom, and asked her to come with me in Mr. P's place. And she agreed! So while I'd like Mr. P to be there, I am really glad my mom will be there to help me after the surgery.

Oh, and IF Optimist asked about 'roid details. I have a fairly small (I think it's small, like 1.2 cm all around, slightly calcified) fibroid, that is impinging in my uterine cavity. I think it is just barely under the lining, but it bulges into the ute near the entrance at the cervix. Honestly, I'm not so convinced it is crucial it comes out (compared to other people's stories) but Dr. Famous wants it out, so out it comes. The surgery itself is transvaginal, like a hysteroscopy, and he'll slice that thing right out. So no lap, no scars (on the outside at least). I'm hoping minimal recovery time. We'll see.

Whew, that's it. Gotta go walk on some cool tiles now.

Results are in!

It was so fast! Less than 3 weeks after my embies' DNA was mailed off to some lab somewhere, I have the genetic testing results back!

So of the 5 blasts, here's what we got:

2 normals (Day 5 4BB, Day 6 3BB)
2 abnormal (one monosomy 2, other trisomy 22)
1 no result (the Day 5 6AB)

We are right on with the rest of the study results this time, with approximately 50% coming back genetically normal. We decided to re-test the "no result" embie, so maybe another 3-4 weeks to find out about that one. I don't fully understand why they get "no result" but I've heard of other people getting a normal result back after a "no result".

Gotta tell you, I make some good 3BB blasts! I make a lot of them, and damn if they are not often normal! Mr. P and I are really happy with these results, and if the 6AB comes back normal, well, that's just icing on the frozen cake. An ice-cream cake, I guess.

Onward to fibroid surgery!

A dream that sucked

I had a dream last night, and while I don't remember it in any logical way, I remember the situation and the emotions.

I was with two ladies I know, the one who just got married (and is pregnant) and another who is getting married in May (and is not pregnant, and fights with fiance about whether they will have kids). Well, in my dream, they were both pregnant, and made some comment in a larger group of ladies about how conceiving naturally was so hard, and that people with IF troubles really don't understand how hard their experience is. Or something like that. Minimizing IF in some way. I was very upset, and ran away, only to be confronted by each of the newly-wed pregnant ladies. I started yelling at them, screaming really, and crying. And they just laughed at me, told me I was over-reacting or something else demeaning, and walked away.

Like I said, I don't really remember the details, like who said what, or what the exact words were. But I remember how it felt to be screaming/crying and feeling like a 3-year old: so frustrated, so upset, so unable to control myself. And I remember them laughing at my pain. And how that felt.

Ugh.

Hitting a lull

My mom got her power back on Tuesday afternoon. Whew! And she kept her power through the latest onslaught, another foot of snow. But they don't have cable, so no TV or internet. But after not having heat for 3+ days, no one is complaining.

So I've hit an IF lull. Sure, I'm technically doing my integrin treatment, but with only a shot a month, it's not very exciting, and so far, no side effects. I know they will come in about a week. And sure, I'm waiting to get my genetic testing back. But I am not really obsessing yet.

So it's a lull. And I'm getting back to the gym! Yay! First workout yesterday, which wasn't easy, but it felt good to sweat again. I'll start the weights and trainer next week. That's about it. Lull....

Speculation, Snow, Shots & Schedules

The wedding was lots and lots of fun. We went to the rehearsal dinner Friday night. It was a big dinner - over 40 people! - and the bride looked, ummm...large in her outfit. Everyone was speculating - or outright declaring - that she was pregnant. I'm not sure if the bride or groom knew the extent of the talk, but pretty much everyone knew. Oddly enough, she looked less pregnant in her wedding dress. Which I found out was a different dress than the Vera she originally purchased months ago. She looked lovely - and not too pregnant. Maybe a little. But not as bad as the night before. It's funny how a wardrobe choice can flatter a figure - or not. Those "What Not to Wear" folks are right - you need to consider your body shape when dressing. Same body - and she looked very different across 2 nights. So they are married now, both seemed happy about it, and I'm glad for them.

On a totally different topic, my mom lives in the mid-Atlantic, and has been pounded by the recent storm. As of last night, she still did not have power, which means no heat. I've been checking on her by phone every day, but it is hard to be so far away and unable to help. They did have their street plowed yesterday, so I hope she got out and to somewhere warm. She didn't answer the phone this morning, so I hope she is out and ok. The answering machine didn't pick up, so I fear she still does not have power. And another storm is on the way. Sigh, it's nerve-wracking.

And I took my depot loopy-ron shot. It's a weird injection - it comes in a large syringe with the powder and dilutant all in the syringe - and you have to mix it. It's different from any other shot I've done. And I feel like somewhat of an injection expert! Anyway, I stuck that thing in my tush. Hurt a little, and it is still a touch sore. But so far, no side effects. I know, it will take a week or two, so I am enjoying feeling cold and sleeping well for now.

I also scheduled my fibroid surgery for March 10th, and got my tentative FET schedule. The big date (as of now at least) is April 30. Fingers crossed.

Random bits

The birthday went ok - thank you for all of the kind words and birthday wishes. I luvs you guys!! I was really a mess on Monday, which I fully blame on the hormones/PMS after IVF. Which is awful. I really hate the pre- and actual AF after IVF. It seems far worse than the average AF visit. I was so weepy on Monday, but now feel totally better, emotionally. Sigh, this roller coaster never ends.

So AF is here, which means I will begin my depot loopy-ron treatment soon. I thought it was supposed to start today, and a nurse (not my nurse, she was off on the day we emailed) told me to start CD 1, 2, or 3. Thank the somebody I emailed them today before taking the shot, because now my nurse wants me to start on CD 5! Ack! Thank somebody else that I didn't take that shot! I swear, if I were not so pro-active in this process, it would all be in chaos. I have to be my own case manager, no one else seems to be on top of this stuff.

I also schedule the fibroid surgery now. Not looking forward to that, but I will say, my periods have been a lot heavier since the summer when we first saw this thing. It will be nice to have them back to normal again, which supposedly the fibroid removal will help with. I want my ute to be the most hospitable one out there. Ya know, the kind a nice genetically normal blast would like to sub-let for about 9 months?

In other drama, the wedding for my 2 friends that are unexpectedly pregnant is this weekend. I have not seen the woman since New Years, and honestly, I am dying to see her in her wedding dress. Vera Wang at 20 weeks? Cannot wait to see that in action. I know, that is sorta mean of me, but they chose to handle it by keeping it mostly secret from everyone (I'd say about 6 people, including family, know. And the wedding is like 150 people) so I cannot wait to see how this all goes down. And I have a fabulous dress I got on super sale which I think I will rock, so I'm really looking forward to getting all dolled up. It should be a fun wedding, snarky comments and all!

Reminiscing

The internet can be such a surprising place. And I just don't mean the odd You.tube video. I recently discovered that a fellow blogger and I went to the same high school, a year apart. And while we didn't know each other while at school, this realization sent me running for my high school year book. Which then set me off on a trip down memory lane.

Seeing myself in the yearbook, my young, 17-year old self, it makes me think about what I thought my life would become when I was 17. I thought I'd follow certain career paths, live certain places, do certain things. I really thought I'd knew where my life was going. Yeah, even at 17, I thought I had a plan. And in many ways, I guess I did. I got the degrees I thought I would, followed those career paths for the next 15 years. I lived in several major American cities. I travelled, met great people who became great friends.

But somehow, in the last 3 years, things have fallen off the rails. My career choices just don't excite me anymore. I settled in a city, been here over 10 years now. I started feeling the clock ticking, wanting children, something my 17 year old self (or even my 27 year old self) wasn't even sure I would ever want.

And today, on my 37th birthday, I'm feeling sort of melancholy. My life is not where I thought it would be, not where I want it to be. Career-wise, not at all. There, I'm totally lost. And before getting married, Mr. P and I decided we wanted a family. I was 33 then. We thought, let's wait a year before trying, give ourselves the honeymoon year before the kids would come. Well, clearly we are still waiting. I'm not where I want to be, and for the first time in my life, there is nothing I can do to change this. If you asked me on my wedding day what my 37 year old self would be doing, I would have said (maybe not out loud, but to my private self) I'd be on my second child. It's like time is ticking by, while my feet are cemented to the ground. On better days, I remind myself of my frozen family, and I do have hope for them. But on days like today, on my birthday, I'm feeling like a bit of a failure. Stagnant, unsure, lost.

I commented on a blog a few weeks back about how IF is really the first time in my life that things have not gone as I planned. And while I am so fortunate in my life that it took until my mid-30s for me to have a real struggle, challenge, failure - I'm still feeling at a loss on how to deal with it. I can't use all the things my 17 year old self would have - setting realistic goals, hard work, and determination. My 37 old self, newly born today, pretty much knows none of that will work.