Bathing suit & u/s

Not much new going on here today. Still riding the good mood from the OB visit, not feeling too crazy yet. Give it a week or so.

I did schedule my Level II u/s yesterday, which I am REALLY looking forward to. After calling my insurance to make sure they covered the Level II, I am on the books for August 31. Yes, forever and 3 days away, but still, it gives me something to look forward to. I need these things to focus on. I also have my next OB appointment, with my favorite doc, on August 27. So it will feel like I'm getting lots of doctor love that week!

For any of you that have been fortunate enough to have gotten to the Level II u/s (and that is how I feel these days, very fortunate and lucky), is it any different from a regular u/s? How long did yours take? I know they measure all sorts of things, so it can take longer (the longer the better, right?), but how long is long?

Other than that, I am being brave today and putting on a bathing suit. I will also try to swim a little, the first real exercise I've had since April. Wow, that is a super-long time for me. I'll be sure to take it super-easy, but I have to say, I'm just so happy with the thought of moving again. It is a good thing.

Have a great day, everyone!

It's a Small World

Me and the cat are back home, and it's cool here! While it is only a temporary fix on the a/c, we can at least live in our house while the HVAC things are being fixed.

We had our OB appointment yesterday, which went very well. It was also a funny visit. The OB practice has both docs and nurse practitioners that see patients, and yesterday was an appointment with one of the NPs. So Mr. P and I are waiting around in the exam room, just chatting.

In walks the NP, and she says, "Mr. P, I knew it had to be you!" and immediately goes over and hugs my husband. We have a very unique last name, so she saw my name on her patient list, and just knew. Turns out she is a old family friend of Mr. P's family, her mom and Mr. P's mom grew up next door to each other. She and Mr. P grew up together. But with her married name, Mr. P didn't realize when we made the appointment it was her. Small world, huh? Even in a very big city, it is still a very small world.

So after lots of chatting and catching up, we get down to business. I will say, she put me at ease, and there was a lot of laughing during the appointment. Which was nice. We did the doppler, listening to the hb. The critter was not a huge fan of the doppler, and kept moving away from it. But we were able to hear the hb, and it is a good rate (in the 160s). I was very happy to hear the hb, and happier to know the critter is moving around in there too.

The NP answered all my questions, and did a manual check of my cervix. She was in there anyway for a Pap (which had been delayed from all the bleeding/spotting). Cervix is tightly closed, and as she put it "So long I can't even get to the back of it." Plenty long. Whew. And my ute is measuring right on track, my blood pressure is great, and I've gained about 6 lbs so far. All good things.

She gave me her private VM and even her home phone number, and said if I need a "mental health visit" for some doppler love, to call her and she'll have me come in. So nice. It is nice to know we have a bit of an inside track with her, just in case we ever need anything.

So I'm in the good place following the doctor's visit. I think this will last for the next couple of weeks. And hopefully soon after I'll start to feel movement (please, make it soon!!) which will also ease my mind. Next appointment is another month away. Seems like forever away, but I'll manage. Right?


p.s. - after having some trouble with cutest blog on the block, i've changed my blog look. be honest, what do you think? is it hard to read with all that color?

Heat drama

I said to Mr. P about a month ago that we needed to replace our furnace and a/c system. This is not new news, we were told we probably needed to replace them 6 years ago when we bought the place. But we've been putting it off, because, really, who wants to spend $5000 on that? Versus a vacation, or IVF and genetic testing?

So on hold it stayed.

But in what I can only interpret as the beginning phases of nesting, I began to feel we needed to do it soon. I had visions of myself in January, either 9+months pregnant or with a 2-week old newborn, and the heat goes out. Not a good thing in the Northern Midwest. Not good at all.

Mr. P agreed, and we began, slowly, to talk about getting estimates. Researching local companies, talking to other people about who they used, etc. And that is where it was.

Until Monday. When Mr. P comes home from work, and says, "It's sort of warm in here, isn't it?" I hadn't really noticed, but when we looked, yeah it was more like 74* rather than our usual 70*. Not the end of the world, but a clear sign things aren't working so well.

Long story somewhat shorter, we get a reputable company to come out to replace the whole system on Friday. Of course, the whole thing conks out altogether Wednesday night. And of course, it is predicted to be super-hot on Thursday and Friday.

Friday rolls around, and the repair guys show up 2+ hours late. Not good. Then they turn off the a/c, say they need to get some stuff from Home Depot, and leave. 5 minutes later, I pop into the kitchen and notice that water is streaming from the ceiling light fixture. From the thawing a/c unit.

Uh-oh.

No sign of the repair guys. I call Mr. P, who promptly blows a gasket, then tears a new asshole into the salesguy, his supervisor and anyone else he happens to talk to. Yikes. When the repair guys come back an hour later, they promptly deny doing anything. Of course. So Mr. P kicks them out. Of our now 83* house.

So now, in addition to no a/c on the hottest day of the year, we have water damage in our ceiling.

And did I mention, I'm pregnant and not regulating my body temp well or tolerating heat that well? I had already spent Thursday night at my brother's house, in his sweet, lovely a/c'd basement. So I packed up myself again, grabbed the cat, and hightailed it back to my brother's house. Where I am now. Thankfully, my brother & his family are away on vacation this week, so we can stay here without totally inconveniencing them.

Mr. P called a trusted contractor we have used several times before, and he took pity on us. So Mr. P is over at our house now with the fabulously nice contractor (on a Saturday!), trying to assess the damage, and figure out what to do next. Who knows how long we will be out of our house. Several days, at least.

The drama doesn't end. It just changes. Ah! The joys of home ownership!

Smoooooth!

Don't believe the hype.

I am cleanly waxed, and it was not at all bad. Same as usual, which is minor to no pain. I even had the newly thick and dark hair on my tummy waxed off too. As Mr. P had commented, "You have a hairy beer gut. Ewwww."

So yeah, that's gone. I feel much better.

Carry on.

p.s. 5 days til the OB. Not that I'm counting. Even though I am.

14 weeks

Damn, it was hot this weekend. Even in the shade, it was hot. Mr. P and I (well, he did and I watched) smoked s'more ribs, and had friends over. Just sitting in the yard, not doing much. But it wore me out, the heat did. Whew! So Sunday was spent in the a/c.

I had a wicked headache Saturday night into Sunday (see above paragraph re:heat). And I really didn't want to take anything. First, well, because I'm pregnant. But really, because Tyl.enol doesn't work anyway, so what's the point, ya know? But I'll tell you, I hate headaches.

The OB countdown continues, one week from today. I am holding it together, trying not to freak out too much. But I will certainly need some real reassurance next week. I need to know, for instance, if the baby is still alive. That s/he is growing normally. That my cervix is holding strong. Ya know, small stuff like that. Sigh, is it next week yet?

Other than that, I am going to work up the courage to get a wax this week. I've been putting it off, and things are very jungle-like down there. But with the bed rest, things got delayed. And, frankly, I read that waxing hurts more when you are pregnant, so I'm more scared. Which is dumb, as I've been a devout waxer since my teens (normal lady bits wax, none of that Brazilian insanity). And I want to get to the pool, so....eeek! I'll go.

Symptoms are the same as they have been, no real change. My hips have been hurting when I sleep, waking me up, in fact. Not sure what to do about this - I'm already sleeping with a pillow supporting the legs, back, all that stuff. I hate sleeping on my side. Other than that, same beer gut, same energy level, same weird boobs, same mild queasies at night.

Hope all y'all have a good week!! Stay cool!

Randoms

I'm here. Nothing much going on, which is probably the best thing I could type. Seriously, I hope I have nothing of interest to write about for the next 6-odd months.

I have not had ANY, I repeat ANY!, spotting for 6 days. Not even some very light buff-colored discharge. Nada. Granted, I am still checking TP like a lunatic, but so far, so good. That evil SCH may have really reabsorbed. So great.

I am counting the days til the next OB appointment. That would be 10 days away. A week from Monday. I am going to ask for more cervix monitoring, because I'm am getting increasingly anxious. I'm not 100% sure how cervical monitoring is done - any of you wise peoples out there know? Is it an internal, or using u/s? Both? Something else entirely? All I know is I need more reassurance.

I also got some serious bloat feelings going on. I feel huge, and really, I'm not that big at all. I said this to Mr. P last night, that I feel so bloated, and I showed him my bloated belly. He just rolled his eyes at me, and called it critter bloat. Then he said, "You are gonna get huge, so get used to it." Huge is a good thing, but it is really hard to imagine. I already feel huge. Again, I'm still surprised that this is happening to me. That my body is changing. Surprises me every day.

13 weeks

Depending on who you ask, I may or may not be in the second trimester. Which is supposed to be a time of decreased stress for the pregnancy, given the decreased risk of miscarriage.

But, as I mentioned in my last post, I don't feel like this "normal pregnant lady" wisdom really applies to me. Many first trimester miscarriages are due to chromosomal issues, and given we transferred a euploid blast, this has not been a big concern for me. To me, I've been much more scared of cervical incompetence, which if it is gonna rear its ugly head, will do so moving forward. In the second or third trimesters. I had a LEEP procedure way back when (in my early 20s) and am forever worried that my cervix is not fully intact.

So while I've had lots of people say to me, "Oh great, you've reached the second trimester, it is smooth sailing from here!" I feel just the opposite. Let the worry begin (or continue!!). I tell ya, I am not having the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" pregnancy. Not by a long shot.

I'm feeling physically about the same as the past few weeks. Energy is better. Only mild queasies at night. Minimal to zero spotting (hooray!!). Boobs look weird. Beer gut in full force.

I would love to be the content pregnant lady. And occasionally I can be her. But honestly, I can't pull it off often. You'd think once you get pregnant - FINALLY! - you get everything you've wanted. It is everything I've been working towards for 3 years, right? But it hasn't been that way, so far. I'm still the scared IF-scarred person. I still expect the odds-defying awful to happen to me.

And just reaching the second trimester doesn't take this fear away.

An idea

I've been given a ton of pregnancy books. Which is very nice and generous of the givers, as this is probably hundreds of dollars worth of books.

But you know what all these books have in common, and therefore lack in information, in my opinion? They are written for fertiles, by fertiles.

Sure, they might have some half-hearted pages at the end of the book mentioning this new-fangled ART technology. But they will spend pages, chapters even on coming to terms with being pregnant, surprise pregnancies, etc.

There needs to be a book about being pregnant after IF. There are some donor books, some adoption books, surrogacy even. But straight IVF? Not so much. I guess after all the stress that multiple IVFs bring, I'm instantly cured when I get pregnant? I'm "normal" again, suddenly? Cause I don't feel normal.

There are also books about parenting after IF, but what about the 9 months before that? What about the constant fear, the odd guilt of finally getting pregnant, the need for rental dopplers, and the emotional adjustment of going from intense and frequent medical intervention to being a "regular" patient seen infrequently? What about learning to trust your body again?

I feel like I'm going through all sorts of things, both emotional and physical, and very little of my experience is reflected in these books. And the experiences the books do devote lots of space to, these topics really don't resonate with me.

I mentioned this to Mr. P the other day, and he suggested I write this book. I don't think I'm the best writer out there, and not so sure I could really pull it off. So I'm willing to put this idea out there to the universe in hopes that it will inspire someone to take this idea and run with it.

Because it is needed. I need it.

Fashion hell

I'm growing out of my clothes. It is weird, since I usually grow out of the butt/hips/thighs area of clothes, if (when?) I gain weight. I am a pear-shaped lady. In fact, I was told when I was younger that pear-shaped ladies are built for baby-making. Ha! So much for that theory.

Anyway, I digress. So my clothes aren't fitting so well, but now they don't fit in the waist. So strange. Don't forget, I am in various stages of denial that I am actually pregnant, so I am still fairly mystified by odd changes in my body. I still think this is just weight gain, fat gain. It is sort of delusional, yes, I know. But protective too.

So I went out to get something I could wear out of the house, now that I'm allowed out of the house and need to wear things other than sweatpants. I tried wearing my capris from last summer with an elastic hair tie holding the unbuttoned pants together, but the zipper kept unzipping, and the pants would then slide down or gape. Not so good.

I decided to check out Kohls and Old Navy for maternity bottoms (so I'm not fully delusional, I see the need for maternity. A good sign). Boy, was that a waste of time. Each store has only one rack of maternity. One rack, with mostly shirts and tops, and then shorts. WTF? What about capris? Skirts? I don't wear shorts normally - it is not a good look on my pear-shape. Are there lots of pregnant ladies walking around in shorts? Woof. Not me.

Tar-get was better, they had like 4 racks of choices. I got a pair of gaucho pants (which yes, is like sweatpants, but at least they are shorter and of lighter fabric) and a belly band. I am hopeful this belly band will be the answer to get me through the summer. But it is sort of uncomfortable, binding. Does anyone have tips on using these things?

I also have to mention that I felt like a total fraud shopping in the maternity section (or rack, as the lame store may be). I felt so self-conscious, like the Pregnancy Police were going to run up to me and tell me I had no reason to be there and escort me out. How crazy is that? Sigh, IF scars run deep.

Freedom & Reality

A very nice weekend. We had great weather, so lots of time hanging out in the yard and - delight of all delights! - walking around the neighborhood.

Yes, it is true. I have gotten out of my house! Whooo-hoo! Not far, but out nonetheless. Mr. P took a friend to the Cubs game Saturday (that would have been too much for me) but I met them for snacks at a local bar/grill after the game. And Sunday we met a few friends for lunch on a nice neighborhood restaurant patio. Twice in one weekend - I was out! Very very exciting stuff.

I'm at 12 weeks now - but as far as I've read, I'm still not out of the first trimester. I'm not 100% on how this whole trimester thing works. Whatever, another week down, it is a good thing. I'm feeling about the same. Spotting with the poop, although not every time now, so improvement there I guess. Still some queasies, but just at night, like after 8pm.

And last night I asked Mr. P if he could see a difference in my belly. He looked at me like I was crazy (he does that a lot these days) and said, "Of course!" I've been thinking I still just have my post-IVF/DL/FET belly fat. But as I was looking at my gut last night, and Mr. P looking with me, he pointed out how it is lower than where the fat is, and firmer and more filled in. And it would explain why my clothes are not fitting so well.

OK, so maybe you all are not surprised to hear that my abdomen is changing. But for some reason, this is very surprising to me. I might actually be pregnant. Huh. It just doesn't seem real, or like it is happening to me. It is an odd feeling. I mean I know in my brain I'm pregnant. I know this. But in my heart, in my true self knowledge, my internal me - I'm still surprised, and not totally convinced of it all.

Will that change? I wonder....

REALLY?!?!!!? with Pie

REALLY?!?!????

It is July already??? How can that be? Where did spring go?

Oh yeah, I've been cooped up in my house all spring, so I missed it. Ah, that explains things.

That is all. Carry on.