The Critter's Birth Story

First off, wow - it has been almost a week since I've posted. Way too long, and seriously, I've been meaning to post for at least 5 days. But the time...it just slips away these days. A block of time to write - 20 minutes? Hard to come by. That not-so-little Critter Girl needs lots of stuff, like boobs and diaper changes. And I've learned parenting a newborn is hard. Not I-don't-think-I can-do-this hard, but really more like super-rewarding-knowing-I'm-getting-better-at-this-and-it-is-so-rewarding-and redefining-who-I-am sort of hard. Pretty cool. But not so compatible with getting posts up here. I'll try to be better. And hey - the Critter went for 4 whole hours between feeds last night, so maybe some time will open up.

ANYWAY....here is the Critter birth story, 3 weeks later. I sort of debated whether I should even post about this, as mine is not your typical birth story. But then I decided that is exactly the reason to post this - a scheduled c-section is a birth story too, just one that is a bit less dramatic. So here you go.

I knew we'd be going down the c-section route pretty early on. I just knew in my heart of hearts that Critter was not going to turn, that she would stay breech. My OB kept saying, "Oh, she'll turn, just wait" but it was not gonna happen. I knew it. So around 35 weeks, we scheduled the c-section, for just after 39 weeks. I learned that scheduled c-sections should always happen after 39 weeks, to ensure lung development.

So on the appointed day, Mr. P and I showed up at the hospital 2 hours before the surgery. I could not eat or drink for 6 hours before this time, 8 hours before surgery. We checked in, and then waited around for about 45 minutes. The L&D department, where the OR suites are too, was pretty swamped that day, so they stuck us in the family waiting room. We watched Family Feud, which was pretty funny. Finally we were called back to an OR prep room. I changed out of all clothing, put on a gown and got into bed. The nurse came in, started an IV line and took my vitals. Mr. P was given the "bunny suit" overalls, which he put over his street clothes. The nurse anesthetist came in, took some info and explained the spinal block to me. Then my OB came in, explained the procedure again to me and answered any last minute questions. Things got busy then, with lots of people prepping stuff, moving around and then it is GO time. I'm wheeled down to the OR suite, while Mr. P had to wait in the other room.

Once in the OR, I get off the bed on my own, and sit on the OR table. They are ready to start the spinal block, so I try to curl over my huge belly, curving my back as much as possible. My OB holds my shoulders while the anesthesiologist puts betadine on my back, and preps it. They keep telling my to curl my back, which is not so easy with an 8+lb baby in my belly. Not much room to curl. Anyway, it does not hurt, it took about 3 minutes and was uneventful. I then lay down on the table, and they put up the big drape, right at my shoulder level. Very close to my face. My arms are splayed out and taped down, as if I'm on the cross. They begin to prep my belly now, cleaning it off. And they did not have to shave at all, thanks to me getting the belly and upper pube area waxed. Do this, if you have a c-section.

The nurse anesthetist kept checking on my level of numbness. First, he'd wipe my face with an alcohol pad and he says "Cold and wet." Then he begins moving it down my body, shoulders first, then down my side, each time asking what I felt: cold, wet, or just touch. Then he would do the same with a sharp object "Sharp" he says. It took about 10 minutes for the spinal to fully kick in. Mr. P came in the OR around this time and sat at my head, behind the drape.

So they begin. I felt nothing, of course, but it is a weird thing to know that they are cutting your stomach open, and quietly discussing it as they go. And because of some blood issues, they are also cauterizing as they go. So yeah, I got to smell my burning flesh too. So strange, so surreal.

About 5-10 minutes in, they are close, and the OB says "Ok, there is the amniotic fluid" and I hear a sucking sound. One of the people down there - nurse? OR tech? - starts really pushing on my chest and belly. Seriously pushing, as if he was wrestling me. Like hard. Pushing up against the drape, wrestling with my chest. That lasted 2-3 minutes, and then the OB says "Oh, she's peeing on me!" so I figured her rump was out first. 10 seconds later they lift her out, and immediately show her over the drape to me and Mr. P, all covered in white goo and a bit of blood. Mr. P snaps a picture, and they bring the critter over to the clean up and weight area. She began screaming right away, which was super-reassuring to me. Mr. P is off by her, snapping pictures and google-eyed over the critter.

Then comes the not-so-great part. The OB tells me they will now give me a medicine to help my uterus contract, but it might make me nauseous. So in the IV goes the med, then about 2 minutes later, MAJOR queasy. Super nauseous. Ugh, the room starts to spin a bit too, and I just feel horrible. Mr. P is chattering away about the critter, and I can't focus at all on her. I just go into myself, focusing on not throwing up. I tell them how bad I feel, and they gave me a shot in my arm. About 3 minutes later, the nausea goes away. Thank god. It was a dicey 10 minutes.

So they finish up sewing me up, along with more burning flesh smell. Blech. They transfer me to a gurney - which was sort of scary, as I'm completely paralyzed from the chest down, so they tilt me over and it feels like I'm gonna fall - and after about 45 minutes start to finish, I'm given the critter to hold and they wheel us both out back to the prep/recovery room.

We stay about 2 hours in the OR recovery area, and they periodically check vitals on both me and the critter. We try a breastfeed session. My legs slowly regain sensation, beginning with just being able to move my leg a bit, to then moving my feet, then toes. It came back quicker in one side of my body than the other. Strange.

They also put an abdominal girdle on my belly, along with the wound dressing. I guess this helps compress the ute. Unfortunately, it gave me a nasty, itchy rash on my stomach. That took about a week to go away. The incision was initially stapled shut, and on Day 5 post-op, the OB came in and removed them. Zero pain from that, which surprised me. She had these little pliers, and just picked them right out. Did not hurt at all. She put on some steri-strip tape, and that was it. I could shower 48 hours post-op, which felt nice, although not so comfy to stand up and move around to shower. And the incision continues to heal.

And that's it! The recovery has been ok - I still have some minor pain, and my lower tummy, above the 6-7-inch incision is numb. Or rather it has odd nerve sensations, sometime it itches, sometimes it burns, sometimes its numb. I'm told I may regain sensation, or it may stay nerve-damaged for years or forever. We'll see. I was not allowed to drive until after my 2 week OB wound check appointment. I still haven't driven, as I was still having pain until midway through the 2nd week. I took narcotic pain meds for the first week, then stopped cold turkey because it made me too stupid. So I may have had more pain than most, but since I can't take Ad.vil (bleeding issues) and Ty.lenol is useless, I just toughed it out.

And here we are. The critter is growing like a weed, and I'm able to care for her with lessening pain. While I would not wish a major surgery like a c-section on anyone, I did survive it. And my fears of being unable to care fully for the critter did not come true. Sure, I needed help, especially in the first 10 days, lifting her, getting myself up out of bed and chairs, careful in how I held her to breastfeed. But we made it, and she is doing great.

And I love her. So it was worth it.

The Boob Whisperer

She came, she saw, she helped Critter to latch better. She is the Boob Whisperer.

I am officially diagnosed as having "over-supply." Yeah, that would explain my forever engorged boobs and the critter's weight gain of almost ONE POUND in a week. Yes, you read that right - she went from 8lbs 1oz last Monday to 8lbs, 15.5 oz yesterday. She was over 9lbs today when the Boob Whisperer weighed her. I told you she is an eating machine.

The lactation consultant was pretty helpful. She showed me some new latch techniques and positioning ideas that the critter seemed to take well to. One issue is the critter latches well initially, but then pulls back and nurses on nipple only. Which hurts. Turns out this is her way of controlling the flow of milk, which in my case is squirting out of my boobs without the critter needing to suck. She has even choked on milk a few times. Over-supply, clearly!

So we are letting the critter direct some of the latching, and using gravity to her advantage. I nursed her once since the Boob Whisperer left, and she did really well, with no pain for me. This might actually work!

We also talked about pumping, which for me is a double-edged sword. On one hand, I've got tons of milk to pump, but on the other, if I begin pumping too much, my boobs will produce even more. More is not good for me, with already over-engorged boobages. So we will start pumping a bit next week, and maybe start with some bottle feedings too. We'll see, I would like to get Mr. P involved in feeding her again, even just once a day.

So I'd say worth the money to have her come out, I did learn a few new skills. And it makes me feel more normal to know my boobs are doing what they should, just in an over zealous way.

Now you know more about my boobs than most people. Aaah, the internet, such a funny place where discussing one's boobs is normal. :)

Let's talk boobs

Or more specifically, let's talk about my boobs.

I've never given a whole lot of thought to my boobs before. They were never what someone would notice about me, probably not even in the top 5 things you might see first. They were large A's, maybe a B on a fat day, and they never gave me much trouble. They fit into clothing well, took to a bra or not, and generally behaved. I liked them, they liked me, and we didn't go much beyond that.

Well, now things have changed. The boobs have suddenly become the stars of the show. First off, they are huge. Well...huge to me. Maybe a C cup now? Wow, I have cleavage for the first time in my life. But aesthetics aside, they have big responsibilities now. They are solely responsible for feeding the critter. And so far, they have risen to the challenge and done a great job. My supply seems ample, and the critter is eating and growing and pooping and peeing. All good things.

But the boobs, they are sore. No, they are SORE in all caps. They get so hard and engorged, it hurts. They leak all over themselves and anything else unlucky enough to be in the way. They often toe-curling hurt when the critter latches. And honestly, I'm not sure if I'm doing right by my boobs with how I'm approaching breastfeeding.

So I've called in help. I have a lactation consultant coming tomorrow morning to help my sad boobs. I'm very excited to meet with this woman, to ask all sorts of boob questions that I never even considered before about a week ago. I want to learn some mad new boob juice skillz.

My boobs are excited too.

And in critter news, she is doing great! We have her 2 week peds appointment this afternoon, so fingers crossed all is well there. She is sleeping better, after that fussy night, and I've been feeling more rested and human. My body is clearly adjusting to less sleep, and now 6 scattered hours of sleep feels like a full night. Well, almost. Just don't ask me to do anything intelligent, like math or to remember something for more than 20 seconds. Then the cracks show. But hey - I showered AND brushed my teeth today, all before noon! Small victories.

Capital T

As in Tired, with a capital T. Whew.

The critter is very good-tempered so far, and we are very lucky for that, I know. She hardly cries, sleeps pretty well and eats and poops like it's her job. Which it is. She is very sweet.

But even so, man oh man, am I tired! I'm attempting to exclusively breastfeed at this point, although we did use bottles in the hospital. However, the bottles this early in BFing has caused some of the dreaded "nipple confusion" and the critter had a day of latching issues. There was lots of fussing, lots of latching and releasing, lots of milk all over her and me. So we've stopped all bottles, and are in a strict boob-only regime now.

The problem with strictly boob is Mr. P doesn't have boobs. So he can't help with feedings anymore. Which means its up to my boobs, every 3-ish hours, round the clock.

Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to do it (well, maybe not happy, but more than willing). But this leads to the capital T Tired. I've never been good without sleep. I've never pulled an all-nighter in my life, I chose not to go to medical school because I knew I'd kill someone from a lack-of-sleep error, and my sweet spot for hours of sleep hovers around 10. So yeah, this is a change for me.

I did get about 3 hours in a row last night, which feels like heaven. And I nap when I can. But geez, am I Tired.

Good thing that critter is so cute.

We're home!

Thank you all for your well-wishes and concern. It really feels great to know you all are out there, cheering us on.

We are finally home! Miss Critter was released from the NICU late on Saturday night, and we are so happy to be out of the hospital. Her biliruben levels came down really well on Saturday, even with reduced and then no phototherapy, so they let us go. It was no fun sqautting at the hospital, but the great NICU nursing staff found us a "rooming in" space - basically a full sized pull-out couch in a room off the family lounge. Not ideal, but we were just down the hall from the critter, and with breast feeding or pumping every 2-3 hours, it was convenient.

Mr. P and I have been enjoying getting to know the critter in person. We think she is pretty easy-going so far. She is an eating and pooping machine, having taken to breast feeding really well. A great latcher from Day 3. And I'm so happy that my boobs got the memo and my milk is in good supply. We did supplement a bit of formula in the hospital, and once since we've been home - mostly to add to a skimpy pump session. I've been pumping so Mr. P can take over some feedings to allow me to rest - which after the c-section, I've really needed.

The c-section recovery has been up and down. Before the whole NICU situation, I was taking it easy and recovering well. But once she was admitted to the NICU, well, my focus on recovery went out the window. I walked more than I should have, missed pain med doses, and basically put myself second. Well, now I'm paying for that. I'm still having a fair amount of incision pain, and things like getting up from laying down, or climbing the stairs can sort of suck. It gets better every day, but I don't know how I'd do it without Mr. P's help. He's been a total rock star, caring for both me and the critter. I have fallen in love with him all over again, watching him bloom into a father. It's been so sweet to watch.

Aside from the c-section recovery, I've also noticed I'm on an hormonal roller-coaster. My emotions have been all over the place, and tears will come out of nowhere. I was just brushing my teeth last night, and suddenly had this overwhelming urge to cry. Not like I was thinking of anything sad, or doing anything hard or painful. It is such an odd sensation, that cascade of emotion that is not really grounded in the present situation. And then, suddenly, it goes away. Really weird.

I'll have to post on the critter's birth story in another post. It's late, and I need to nap while she is sleeping too - we'll be up soon enough for another boob juice session.

More drama, yet again

Sorry to not post for a few days, but it has been a bit nutso around here. The beautiful critter girl is in the NICU, has been since Thursday AM for pretty bad jaundice. While jaundice is very common, hers is a pretty bad case. She is under 3 phototherapy lights now, 24/7, and we're hoping her levels come down soon.

She will stay in the hospital til at least Sunday, while I may be discharged today. Ugh. I'm not going anywhere though, so we will be squatters at the hospital. My milk came in yesterday too, so we've been breastfeeding her, and I've also been pumping to supplement it. So I can't go anywhere, she needs her meals from me every 3 hours.

Stay tuned, the drama never ends.

She's here!

The little critter girl arrived safely! She was born on 1/10/11 at 3:21pm Central time. She weighed 8 lbs, 8 oz and was 19 1/2 inches long. She has the chubbiest cheeks I've ever seen.

More details to come. But rest assured, the critter is a true beautiful miracle. I'm doing pretty well also, much better than I had thought I'd be at this point.

We're in awe of her, she is just perfect.

Send good vibes at 2:30pm today!!

The day is here!

As with my FET, I'm asking for your help. At 2:30pm Central time today (Monday) - so that's 3:30pm East Coasters and 12:30pm Westies (and non-North Americans, whenever you can) - I need you to send me one or some or all of the following:

~ prayers
~ best wishes
~ happy thoughts
~ sticky vibes
~ good karma
~ zen and peace
~ good luck

Really, any positive vibes you can. And this includes you too, lurkers! I know you're out there!! Just stop what you're doing for a second around that time, and send me a good thought. Easy peasy!

I'm feeling good today, mostly excited with a pinch of nerves. About right, given the day. I'll try to post tonight with the details or at least the stats (how huge will she be??), but don't worry if I'm not able to til Tuesday.

Ooooooh boy, here we go!!!

39 weeks

Can you believe it? 39 weeks today. My cervix should get some sort of award or something.

I think I'm ready for Monday, as ready as I'll ever be. I'm less nervous today, not sure why, but I'll take it. It's hard to imagine that I'll finally meet the critter girl in person in 2 days.

And everything is done. Meals are cooked and frozen, nails are polished, lower tummy waxed, large stockpile of TP is in the cupboard. We are ready.

39 weeks. Amazing to have gotten this far. Just amazing.

Thank you all!

38 weeks, 5 days.

Thank you all for your comments. Seriously, it has made me feel SOOOOOO much better to hear success stories, and to know you all are out there cheering me on. Really. Thank you.

My insurance will cover me for 4 nights in the hospital, so it sounds like I'll be feeling much better by the time they release me. This is good.

One big concern: I live in a townhouse, which means lots of stairs. We don't have a bathroom on our first floor, where the kitchen and living room are, so I'm still a bit unsure where we will "live" for my first few days home. I don't want to be up and down the stairs all day peeing if it is gonna hurt a lot. Maybe we'll do the John-and-Yoko thing and live in our bedroom for a few days. But it also sounds like some people are feeling ok by this point, so maybe the stairs won't be such a big deal? We'll have to play it by ear I guess.

So between now and Monday, I'm trying to get out as much as possible, running those last errands (stock up on TP!), hitting my favorite lunch spots one last time, getting my hair cut and nails done, and having one last date night without the need for a babysitter with Mr. P.

But I'm still sleeping poorly, which sucks. I've been up the last 3 nights from about 2:30am til 6. And boy, do I feel tired. I guess I need to get used to this feeling, I'm gonna be tired a lot. I'm not sure if this is pregnancy-related or stress-related. I've slept pretty well throughout the pregnancy, but my legs have really been hurting this last week. And I do have an 8+ lb child in my belly, which can get awkward. But nerves, yeah, can't discount those too. Well, either way, I'm sleepy.

So thanks again, everyone. Keep those positive thoughts coming, I really do feel the happy vibes you are sending. And I may have y'all do a repeat of my FET, and have you send good vibes at the right time on Monday. Update on the time later.

So thanks. :)

Getting scared

38 weeks, 4 days.

We had our last OB appointment of this pregnancy yesterday. The last time we'll do the doppler, the last time my huge belly is measured, the last time my BP is taken twice. Wow. It is hard to believe.

Everything is pointing to the scheduled c-section on Monday. No change in my cervix, and the critter is still breech. But her butt is not very engaged in my pelvis, so it is unlikely she will put me into labor between now and Monday. Never say never, but how about highly unlikely? Oh, and the OB said the critter is as big as a moose. Heehee, she is a honking-big child already. Easily over 8 lbs. Mr. P and I have an over-under bet on her birth weight, at 8 1/2 lbs. I have the under, but I'm not so sure now. We'll see Monday!

We talked with my OB about the c-section, what to expect, where to go, how it will all go down. My favorite OB, who we met with yesterday, will also be doing the section, which is nice. I still really like her, and trust her completely. It was good to hear the details, and understand better what will happen.

But I have to admit, I'm starting to get nervous about the surgery. I've woken up the last 2 nights and been up with racing thoughts. Stress thoughts.

I'm nervous about the surgery, but also nervous about the recovery. I'm scared I'll be in so much pain that I'll be unable to care for the critter. I'm scared I won't be able to mother her from the get-go, and that makes me sad. I'm scared people won't understand how I'm feeling and won't help me as much as I may need.

Sigh, I'm just plain scared.

Now, I know many women have c-sections every day, and most women do just fine. And even those that have trouble are still good moms. I know this in my head, I know these things. But my heart, in my feelings, well, they are slow to catch on. They are hiding in the corner.

It's almost worse to know what's coming, it allows me to wallow in the "what ifs" too much. I just hope it all goes ok. Hope, hope, hope.

One week

38 weeks, 2 days.

One week from today is the scheduled c-section. And I mostly believe we might actually make it til then. Can you believe it?? In one week (or less!), I'll meet the critter. WOW.

I have to say, I feel ready. A lot more prepared than I did even a few weeks ago. And just ready. Ready in my head. Ready in my mind. Ready in my heart.

I was also thinking about not being pregnant anymore. I think that is going to be weird, not being pregnant. I've sort of gotten used to it, it will be strange to be able to have my body back again. It will be strange not to feel that critter wiggling around. I'm not sure I'll miss all of what being pregnant was like, not exactly, but it's like I've almost forgotten what its like to not be pregnant. Pregnant became the new normal.

And in the vein of my reflections on pregnancy posts, I was thinking about what I thought would happen when I was pregnant, but didn't happen. I really thought Id have more tummy troubles - given my mild IBS tummy. But I've only had minor bouts of constipation, nothing to make me really uncomfortable. Colace has been my savior, I think. A small dose daily (it was in my prenatal vitamin) really helps. That, and Fiber One cereal, fruit and veggies, and lots of water.

Really, being pregnant was not too bad overall. I have one more week to marvel at my body and what it accomplished, and then it will be over. But my body will have all new body experiences to look forward to, what with post-partum and c-section fun-n-games. Oh, and a new critter to love and care for and protect and love.

One more week. :)

Interesting article

If you can, read this:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/01/02/magazine/02babymaking-t.html?ref=magazine

I found it very well-written and insightful.

Welcome 2011!

38 weeks. Thirty eight!!! 3 and 8!

Woooooooo-Hoooooooo! 38 weeks today! I'm amazed, grateful and just fully over-joyed to be here, to have the critter still growing inside me. Good job critter, and a huge gold star for my cervix! Yay!!

And Happy New Year to all. 2010 was an interesting year (euphemisms, anyone??), to say the least, filled with the ups and downs only infertility can bring. I'm hopeful for 2011, not only for me, but for all my bloggy friends.

My wish for all of us is forward motion. Positive forward motion. Maybe not in the directions we planned, cause we all know the best laid plans often end in ruin, but in a positive direction that allows us to grow and be happy. That's my wish.

Enjoy your New Year's Day, eat some good-luck foods (black-eyed peas!) and tell your IRL supportive peoples you love them. I love all of you, and many thanks for all the support in 2010, bloggy friends.