What I'm not supposed to say

Ok, enough talk of sleep stuff. Especially given Critter is having a growth spurt (Good lord, can this kid grow any more?? I envision her at 1 year old, 10 feet tall, weighing 2 tons, her huge self trying to squeeze into our little townhouse) and she ate every 2-3 hours all night last night. To quote Sprogblogger, Yawn.

So if we are not talking sleep, what else is there to talk about these days? Yup, boobs. So let's talk boobs, because I'm one of those people who can no longer talk about anything else other than her child. Ugh, I am one of those.

Anyway, here it is: I hate breastfeeding. Yup, I said it. Ok, maybe hate is too strong and ugly a word. I actively dislike breastfeeding. And know I am wearing my flame-retardant suit, because this is not something you are supposed to say. LLL disciples are gathering now to throw Molotov cocktails at me.

Breastfeeding is supposed to be this magical bonding experience between mother and child, a wonderful way to get to know your newborn, to provide them a sense of security, perfect nourishment, and an expression of your love like nothing else can. Yeah, for me, not so much.

I feel like a cow, a vessel for nourishment. And when the Critter nurses, she is just eating. We aren't bonding, she is just feeding. The bonding is after when we burp and snuggle. The bonding is when we change a diaper and have a laugh about the volume of poop. Bonding is when we both lie down on the playmat and wiggle and look at each other and smile. Bonding is when we dance to Kool and the Gang (and yesterday, Naughty by Nature). But when we're breastfeeding, not so much. Breastfeeding feels more like a chore to do, not like an event we look forward to.

Sure, I'm over the hump of breastfeeding pain. My nipples toughened up around 4 weeks, so I'm not sore, I'm not chafed. And the over-supply has leveled off, so I'm not painfully engorged every 2 hours, now it takes more like 5-6 hours to feel the pain and leakage. So it is not pain that is causing my active dislike.

I'm just over it. But I know, I know, it is good for her, it is helping her immune system, it is helping (allegedly) prevent future diseases, blah, blah, blah. But is 2 months of nothing but breastmilk enough to count?

I think for me, it might be.

And that is hard for me to say, as I was totally a Ms. Judgey McJudgerson about other women who stopped breastfeeding around now. Before I lived it, I thought all those things you're probably thinking now: Doesn't she love her child? Doesn't she want to do what's best for her child? How hard could it possibly be?

Well, let me tell you, it's hard. Way, super-way harder than I ever thought, and I didn't even have supply issues. And honestly, I just don't like it. I miss having my body all to myself. Selfish, horrible person that I am. I miss having normal hormones coursing through my body, not these breastfeeding ones. I miss having chocolate now and again. I miss not having to worry if I've pumped enough so I can go out and do something nice for myself. I miss sleeping. I miss feeling like me again.

And when I'm breastfeeding, I'm not me, not fully my own. And I actively dislike that.

There, I said it. Now go ahead, flame me, flame my selfishness. I'm used to it, I do it myself all the time.

Reading and Sleeping

Ok, things are going pretty ok on the sleeping front. We are slowly figuring this out, and by we I mean me, Mr. P and especially the Critter.

I've been reading the Baby Whisperer book, and I like this. It is like the good parts of Ezzo without the crazy-making tight schedule thing. They both espouse the Eat-Activity-Sleep sequence, which we had not really been doing. But even in the few days I've been trying this with the Critter, she is responding really well. She still gets boob drunk tired after a feed, but only for a few minutes, so I chalk it up to digestion time, and get her moving to an activity after a few minutes of snuggle/boob drunkenness. Then about 45 minutes later she is nodding off, so up to a nap. And she goes down! How long she naps varies, but 45 min is typical. We'll begin to stretch this out, so she has fewer, longer naps, but for now, napping at all is great.

The night time deal is also progressing - we are liking the idea of cluster feeding her at night, so at 6 and 8pm, which 8pm being a big one, then a dream feed around 11ish. With this system, she's only been up once in the night for a feed/wet diaper change, so this is progress. And with Mr. P taking the dream feed, I get to sleep from like 9pm til 3am, which is sooooo great. My boobs, not the critter, woke me up last night. Hooray!

So we are making progress around here. It feels good, like the light at the end of the tunnel is getting brighter.

I plan to read the Healthy Sleep, Happy Baby today, so I'll post my thoughts on that soon. So far, I really like the Whisperer book, it just makes sense without being rigid. But we can incorporate other ideas too, so stay tuned!

Sleep/feed update

I've got to get better about finding time to post. There is so much going on to write about, but finding the time and energy - hard to do.

Thank you all for your book suggestions and stories of putting your kid(s) on a schedule (or not). Very helpful to hear what has worked for others. I got the Baby Wise book, and read it (skimmed some of it, to be fair) in an afternoon, and found it very interesting. We are already doing much of what the book suggests, mostly we don't feed on-demand, at least the way Ezzo describes it. Honestly, does anyone really do what he says not to do (feed every time the kid cries?? Really?? When do you pee or eat??)? Anyway, I like much of what he says, but I think he might be even too rigid for me - well, in a perfect world, I'd love to be that scheduled, but real life does not allow such a tight schedule. And the Critter doesn't eat every 3 hours these days, more like 3.5-4 hours, so why bring her back to 3? So now I'm looking into somewhat more flexible schedule programs, and have ordered the Baby Whisperer book, Jo Frost's infant book, and the Healthy Sleep, Happy Babies book. We'll see what they say, and I'll keep you posted.

But I think the Critter is aware that I want her more scheduled, because she is cooperating and beginning to sleep more at night. She's been really hungry at night the last few nights, and eating a ton (5-6oz?) then conking out. And last night she slept 6 hours. OMG - that is technically considered "through the night" which is a dream. So now we need to time that last feeding better, so the through the night is not "through the early evening and part of the night" and more of the late night and early morning. I think she might put us on a schedule before we can put her on one. Hey, whatever works.

I had my 6 week post-partum OB check-up yesterday. Learned that breast-feeding causes your estrogen to plummet ("in the basement" was the phrase the OB used) which is very similar to menopause. Which would explain the night sweats and occasional hot flashes I've been having. Mood swings too? Maybe. It's not as bad as the evil Depot Loopyron, but like the lite version. Who knew? And she did a Pap, which involved the spectulum. Which was by far the worst internal exam I've ever had. So very dry down there (more estrogen fun), and damn, that metal thing HURT scraping its way in. Ugh. And I told her about the crazy crying mood swing stuff, which she said was completely normal at 2-4 weeks post-partum, but to let her know if it happens again. Good to know the crazies is normal.

So that's it for now. We go in for the Critter's hip ultrasound today, and her derm appointment tomorrow. Busy week!

Eye goop & schedule question

Still here. Damn, time just slips away these days, I keep meaning to post, with posts floating around in my mind, but the time or energy alludes me. Such is life these days.

The Critter Girl had a surprise visit to the pediatrician yesterday. She has goop eye. Or in more accurate medical terms, a blocked or clogged tear duct that has become infected. Apparently this is fairly common in infants, like 20-30% of all babies, and is not too concerning. We have to massage her tear drainage tube (on her nose near her eye) and put antibiotic ointment in her eye twice a day. She does not seem bothered by the goop, although she is not too keen on the ointment. We will likely have to keep massaging her eye duct for the next several months, until she grows and the duct drains better on its own.

Critter is slowly extending her feeding times, which means we are that much closer to a real night's sleep. She is now pretty much averaging about 4 hours between feedings, up from 3. Although she still has a few 3 hour noshes. But she even went 5 hours yesterday, a new record. So I'm hopeful in the next few weeks we can do a solid night. Fingers crossed.

I've been thinking a lot about schedules - and wanted to put it to you wise internets. When, if at all, did you establish a feeding and or sleeping schedule for your child? I am a schedule/routine loving person, and am feeling a bit out of sorts because we have been without clear routine. I get she is only 5 weeks old, but when is she old enough? It bugs me, breast feeding on demand. Thoughts? Or a good book on the topic to recommend?

Better, much

This week has ended much better than it began. I swear, I'm still trying to understand what the hell happened last weekend. Whatever, as long as that doesn't happen again, I think we'll all be happy.

Sleep has returned to me, and I've slept well the last few nights - well, when Mr. P takes his shift and I get to sleep uninterrupted for 4-ish hours. The critter is still figuring out her sleep, and I'm trying to figure her out too. She often wakes herself up, and then begins to fuss, with intermittent crying. Often this is at about 2.5 hours since her last feed, and I wonder, is she hungry? I need to let her fuss a bit, because when I do she generally falls back asleep, and can go closer to 4 hours between feeds. But it is hard to let her fuss/cry, especially in the middle of the night. It's a work in progress for both of us.

We had her 1 month pediatrician appointment on Wednesday, and she continues to do well. She is at the 75%ile for weight, height and head circumference - so big and well proportioned. We have to get a hip ultrasound done at 6 weeks, which I guess is standard for all breech babies. I think they are looking to see that her hip joints are developing normally, given they might have been in a weird position in utero. The doc is not concerned about the Critter's hips, they seem fine, but we'll stick to protocol and be safe.

So we are doing much better, and I hope this continues for good this time. I'm feeling more ready to leave the house, what without the craziness, the c-section pain, and having more energy. And the weather here is supposed to thaw next week, so it will be safe to take the critter out and about. Very exciting!

Have a good weekend, I hope I do!!

1 month old

Little Critter Girl, you are 1 month old today. It seems like forever ago that you were born, forever that I've known you. But I remember it like it was yesterday too.

You have grown so much in a month - you weigh 10 lbs now! And you've added 2 inches to your length - that's a lot of growth in a month. It must be because you are such a good eater, you love you some boob juice. You get what we call "boob drunk" after each feeding, where you sort of nod off and look stoned for about 5 minutes, then sober up and are yourself again. I smile every time.

You are beginning to look at me and Daddy, really seeing us. I am still waiting for a non-gassy smile, which I know will come soon. But you show us love by seeking out our hands to hold, and you love nothing more than a good snuggle. You love to sleep on Daddy's chest, or with your head wedged under my chin. And we both love to snuggle with you too.

You do make the most bizarre noises, especially in your sleep. You squawk, gurgle, gasp, groan, squeal, burp, coo, fart (Oh the farts! Ear-shatteringly loud!) and sound possessed most of the time. But I've gotten to know these sounds, and know nothing is wrong with you when you make them, so now I can laugh at them. How you sleep with all those noises and moving around as much as you do, I'll never know. But it is what you do, and I love that I've gotten to know these little things about you. And when you wake, you love nothing more than a good, long, full-body stretch. So cute.

You also love your tummy time. You've had a strong neck since birth, and now you can do a full cobra pose without complaint. You can move your head side to side on your tummy, and are starting to do push-ups. You love your playmat, and spending time on your back, looking at and swatting the toys that dangle in front of you. It is your favorite awake activity, I think.

Mommy loves you very much, Critter Girl. I look forward to many many many more months and years, learning more about you every day. Happy 1 month birthday!

Whooosh

Thank you all for your comments on the last post. Especially you de-lurkers I really appreciate you taking the time to offer your support and advice. Thank you.

This is a roller-coaster, there is no other way to describe it. Yesterday - around 1pm if you want to get specific - things took another turn. It was that sudden - Whooosh! - and I felt normal again. No urge to cry at every thing. The fog lifted. I even slept some last night. I swear to god, this is the strangest thing I have ever experienced. Clearly, some biochemical thing - neurotransmitter, hormone, whathaveya - is going on here, because is was like yesterday someone injected me with whatever I was lacking, and suddenly I evened out again. I said later to Mr. P that it is like someone slipped me crazy pills in my tea on Saturday, and then yesterday gave me the antidote. I feel like I was on drugs, and then they wore off.

The boob issue is still ongoing, so I reached out to the LC again to see what she has to say. I'm waiting to hear back from her. I would really like to stop squirting breastmilk all over the critter, me and all of my clothes and furniture. I had an initial goal of 6 months of BFing, but now if I can make it 8 weeks, I will see it as a victory. That means 4 more weeks. I think, today at least I think, I can make it til then.

Thanks again for your support. It really does mean the world to me to know I'm not alone in this.

Teetering on the Cliff

It is amazing how fast things can turn. Things were moving along so well, and then, BAM. I am a mess.

It started Saturday morning, I woke up after a so-so night feeling...off. Fuzzy-headed, tired, sort of flat. Mr. P noticed, figured I was tired and sent me off of a nap. I napped a bit, and still woke up feeling out of it. Thought maybe I was coming down with a cold. Very low energy.

Saturday night was also so-so, sleep-wise. At the 6am-ish feeding, the tears began. And when they begin, they just can't stop. I just felt so tired, and like this was not working out like I had hoped. Breastfeeding has become a burden, so even if Mr. P takes a pumped bottle shift or two, I'm still up every 3 hours because my boobs are so engorged they hurt terribly and are leaking all over everything. I stink from old breastmilk.

Sunday was not pretty. I basically cried all day long, I really could not stop myself. It is scary. And when I tried to nap, knowing Mr. P had all critter things covered, I could not sleep. I am so incredibly tired, but now I can't sleep. Super scary.

This morning the tears are still here, I can't sleep still, I feel like crap, and I'm getting worried. Is this becoming post-partum depression? My former life as a psychologist is ringing all sorts of warning bells and waving red flags. But when I look online at symptoms, they say this is really more like baby blues. I need at least 2 weeks of this crap to make it PPD.

So my question, oh wise interweb friends, is this: what should I do? Wait it out a few more days and see if this passes? Call my OB? What will they tell me to do? Cause getting on medication is not a option I'm willing to consider at this point.

And on the breastfeeding front: Call the lactation consultant to ask about this boob situation? How do people deal with this - do they really go 6+ months with only 3 hours of sleep, max, at a time? Cause I can't live like this. I am truly falling apart, and sleep deprivation is at the root of it. Or at least a big part of it. And the boobs are causing the lack of sleep.

Please help me. I'm teetering on the cliff here, and slipping more each hour.

Sleep and Sucking

It is amazing what a good night can do. For me, for the Critter Girl. We are both more cheerful.

She is approaching 4 weeks old on Monday, so she is getting to be a big girl! And last night, she went for 2 stretches of 4+ hours between feedings. Holy heaven in my bed! That means 3+ hour blocks of sleep. For both of us. Wow, it feels so good.

Now, I know not expect this every night. But it is like a glimpse of light at the end of a dark, sleepy tunnel. And it makes me hopeful we will all come out of this. ;)

And in other developments, the critter has had her first taste of paci. Oh yes, we've gotten on the paci train. Given how well she is doing with managing both breast and bottle, I decided to try the paci today. When I've tried in the past (mostly out of desperation, once or twice) she was not interested. She looked at me like, "What the hell is that? There is no boob juice from that! What a tease!" But today, she took the paci and just started happily sucking. And it soothed her right down. So we are on the paci program I guess.

That's the latest on the critter front. I'm starting to feel more like normal, belly-wise. The weird nerve sensations in my belly are lessening, so that's good. I could even sit with the critter on the floor today while she was doing tummy time without discomfort. That's progress.

Have a good weekend, all.

38 today

That's me. 38 years old today. Eeek.

With all that's been going on - ya know, birthin' a baby and such - I forgot that my birthday was coming up. Well, I knew it was coming, but not quite this soon. And since I got my present 3 weeks ago, it seems a bit anti-climatic this year.

The critter gave me a lovely present - a great night last night. She is getting up to 4 hours between feedings at least once each night for the last few nights, and then goes straight to sleep. Bliss! With Mr. P taking the 7-11:30 shift (when I sleep and he bottle feeds pumped milk) and only up twice during the night to nurse and change diapers, I feel sort of rested. A great gift to me, thank you little Critter Girl.

And she feels heavier, I'm thinking she has gotten over 10lbs now. She feels heavier than the fluffy Umps (my cat, who is about 10 lbs) and she continues to eat well. Breast feeding is going ok, my nipples are still on-and-off sore, and the supply is still strong. But she is clearly getting what she needs from me, so that is good stuff. Another good present to me.