One Year Ago

One year ago today, I was in a very different place. I was hopeful, doubtful, excited and scared. I was doing everything I could, like eating well, injecting myself and patching myself up with all sorts of meds, doing acupuncture, working out, destressing as much as I could.

One year ago today, I was at the far-away clinic. Mr. P and I talked about the what ifs, the maybes, the we hopes. We thought about Plan B while we hoped for Plan A.

One year ago today, I saw the Critter for the first time. She was just a thawed Day 5 4BB blast then, her image projected up on the wall of the transfer room. I thought she was a he.

One year ago today, the Critter and I became one for awhile. She was transferred into my ute, and thankfully she snuggled in tight, for the long 39 week haul.

One year ago today, although I didn't know it for sure at the time, I became a mom, and my life changed forever.

One year ago today. It is a day I'll never take for granted and surely a day I'll never forget.

Never again

Why do I do it? Why????

I will never ever never say things are going well again. Never. I promise.

The Critter Girl apparently reads this blog too, and she must have laughed her evil laugh (I've never heard it personally, but she must have, right?) and said, "We'll see about knocking on wood!"

She has been up at 3am the last two nights. She has really not done this before, not since she began sleeping through the night. Two nights ago, she was fussing, then crying. I changed her diaper, tried to put her back down, but she was having none of it. 4 oz. of formula settled her down, but she needed Daddy to finally get her back to sleep. Last night, she was much less fussy, just sort of chatting to herself in her crib. I let her do that for awhile, but it went on and on. Just a quick diaper change by Daddy settled her right down. I'm hoping tonight we go back to sleeping all the way through. We'll see.

And in unrelated bitching, when, oh when will it ever stop raining??? Ugh, this spring (what spring?) has been awful, and I'm over it. I am ready for sunshine and warmth. I am ready to take the Critter out in the stroller without fully bundling both of us up to our eyeballs. I am ready to wear short sleeves. Please.

Knock, knock

I'm knocking on wood. Lots of it. Keep on knocking. In fact, why don't you knock a few times for me? At least while you're reading this. Thanks.

Things are going pretty well around here. We've found our happy medium with feeding, the Critter has been a great over-night and fair nap sleeper, and she is now laughing. It's really good stuff.

The Critter Girl is 15 weeks old today.

She is holding up her own head pretty well. She is making all sorts of funny noises. She smiles all the time, and the laughs are just priceless. We're able to get out of the house more, crappy weather notwithstanding (where the hell is spring, btw???). We're finding our routine, and it feels good.

Things are good. Keep on knocking.

the happy medium

I've gone what? 2 weeks without discussing my boobs? Craziness!
How have you all survived? Hahaha.

Anywhooo, I wanted to write about the happy medium I've found with feeding the Critter. As you may recall, I began weaning her from the boob about a month ago (longer? I can't remember how long it's been). We subbed one feed with formula, and she got a bit umm...backed up. Prune juice intervened, and her bowels righted themselves. With some monumental poops. Seriously, prolific poop. I took pictures.

We then began a second formula feed, and she got backed up again. Prune juice to the rescue again. More giant poop. But now she's farty too. It's not really bothering her too much, but it is waking her up at night, and therefore waking me up too. We switch her to a different formula, and the farts decrease.

Meanwhile, my boobs were adjusting. I was feeding her boob juice first thing in the morning, in the early afternoon, and again before bed. My boobs began cluing in, and let me sleep through the night. They entertained the idea of doing yoga again. They stopped hurting all the freaking time.

Which brings us to today. 2 formula feeds each day, and the rest boob juice. And this seems to be working, for both of us. Critter is sleeping well, growing well. My boobs are no longer the bane of my existence. So here we will stay, for the foreseeable future. I'm hoping til 6 months.

We can have both. And both be happy with the compromise. Another example of the golden rule of parenting, as I'm discovering over and over again: Stay flexible and things will work out.

Puddles

These are some of the things that make my heart melt into a big puddle on the floor:

~ The Critter's wrists and forearms. Sigh. They are just so chubby, her wrists actually have fat rolls. Swoon, I love them sooo much. And her forearms have fat rolls too, oh my! It could not be cuter. And I love to gently touch them, they are so soft, so squishy, so plump!

~ Being the one who gets the Critter up in the morning. Ooooh, how I love this. I enter her room, sing-songing "Good morning! Good morning, little girl!" and she just lights up. Hugest smile, a contented laugh and the most luxurious stretch of happiness I've ever seen. It is an expression of pure joy, and I love to be the one that gets to see it.

~ Watching the Critter and her daddy nap together. A weekend must-do, they will nap on the couch, Critter on top of her daddy's chest. They both sleep with at least one arm over their head (I call it the "I surrender!" pose) and now the Critter will touch Daddy's chin while she sleeps. Oh my, so sweet!!

~ My furry first child Umps has been such a good big feline sister. She is always around during our Critter bedtime routine, and helps us put her to bed. And after, when we go downstairs to hang out, that sweetest kitty loves nothing more than to curl up with me and purr and sleep and cuddle. Ooooh, how I love her!!

~ That sweet spot on the top of the Critter's head. God, does it smell good! I've read this is evolutionary, to make sure parents bond with these needy babies, and boy does it work! I could hold and cuddle and sniff that Critter Girl all day long (and maybe have done just that on occasion!!). Mmmmm, she smells so good!

Best laid plans

I've noticed (ha! it just happened right then! it's 5 minutes and one diaper change later) that when I begin something these days, or have a plan of what's going to happen, well, it doesn't.

I've discovered that the Critter Girl often has her own plans, and I'm learning her plans often take precedent over mine.

Her plans can be fairly benign, like the aforementioned diaper change. Only puts us 5 minutes off, not so bad. I've begun to understand that everything takes 15 minutes longer than in pre-Critter life, and now plan accordingly.

But sometimes, like yesterday, her plans can completely derail mine, and everything I thought was gonna happen goes straight out the window. I had planned to try a new Mommy-n-me yoga class. We were in my bedroom, getting ready, as we often do in the morning. I went to get my undies out of the dresser, and it happened. All hell broke loose in the Critter's world, and she had a major meltdown out of nowhere. Well, out of nowhere to me. I'm sure she had her reasons.

Hungry? Tired? Gas? Profound dislike of yoga, pachouli and hippies? I'm still not sure.

Anyway, she screamed and turned purple, and it took 15 minutes to calm her down (dressed in only my underwear, mind you. My plan of getting dressed, also postponed!), followed by 20 minutes of a bottle, and then a really good 1.5 hour nap - all that screaming really takes it out of a girl.

Needless to say, no yoga class for Mommy.

The best laid plans...not so much these days.

Take-home messages from this weekend

Let me give you a recap of my weekend (and yes, I know it's Tuesday, but I needed a day to...well, you'll see).

As you'll recall, my father and step-mother were in town (scroll down a post to see the deets). I will highlight the major take-home messages from this weekend:

1. On Friday night, my brother, SIL and niece, aforementioned parents, and us all went out for a casual, kid-friendly dinner. The Critter's first dinner out. She did great, ate her bottle, looked around a bit, then dozed off. The take-home moment occurred when Mr. P was burping the Critter Girl. My dad looks over, and says, "Her stomach is on the left, and lower. You need to," and I look up and say, "Dad. Stop." I'm not sure if Mr. P heard this critique of his burping prowess, or just ignored another of my father's digs at him. Fantastic.

2. We decided to take my niece for an ice cream cone. So parents, niece and us take the strollers out for a nice afternoon walk. As we are walking, Mr. P, me and the Critter are in front of the 'rents and niece. My dad says, "Pie, you really do need to get back to the gym soon." So basically my dad called me fat. Lovely.

3. We're at dinner at my brother's house. Sitting around the dining table, with Mr. P and I trying to avert major Critter meltdown, as it is close to bedtime and she is overstimulated. My step-mom turns to my SIL and says, "The Critter has a flat side of her head. She might need a helmet, kids with that can get major facial deformities. They need to add a mirror to her crib on the other side, blah, blah, blah" to which my SIL looks horrified, mumbles "Gee, I hadn't noticed." Great.

So to summarize, the take-home messages from my parents are: Mr. P is an incompetent care-giver, I'm fat, and the Critter will have major facial deformities due to our shoddy and neglectful parenting.

And you wonder why I live half-way across the country from them. Why I was dreading this weekend. Now you know.

I spent yesterday in recovery mode. I basically cuddled the Critter all day, let her nap on me, wouldn't put her down much, and tried to heal my heart with good Critter love. Which was real nice. And Mr. P brought me home a smiley face cookie. So I'm doing better today.

But I'm still upset. Sigh.

3 months old

Oh little Critter Girl! You are no longer a little infant, you are a big girl BABY now! You are 3 months old today. Amazing.

Your latest tricks include GRABBING! You have learned in the past week how to open your hand and grab things. Like your toys, Daddy's shirt, and Mommy's hair. What fun! Your hand-eye coordination is still a bit off, so you often grab the air too, but you're getting there. It's so fun to watch you try and improve.

You also SMILE all the time now. It's easy to get a smile and chuckle out of you, just by making funny noises with our mouths. You are still fascinated by moving mouths, and Daddy has introduced farting noises, which gets a laugh from you every time (which Daddy is so proud of, he says your sense of humor comes from him). You also smile each time you see us, especially if it's been awhile, like in the morning or when Daddy comes home from work. It is heart-meltingly sweet.

And you SLEEP like a champ, certainly like you are a member of this sleep-loving family. You've been sleeping about 10-11 hours every night, and Mommy could not be happier. You seem happier too.

You've begun to BABBLE and talk with us, which is so cute. You always answer back when someone says "hi" to you, and you can often be found chatting with your monkey and parrot friends while you play in your bouncy chair. Always a riveting conversation.

You have made it out of the blob stage, and are growing into a little person. Mommy and Daddy love watching you transform into your own little person. We love you very very much, little Critter Girl. Happy 3 month birthday to you!

Visit

We have a busy weekend on tap. My dad and stepmother (who I've written about here many times) are coming for a visit, the first time they've been here since the Critter was 5 days old.

I'm excited for them to see and hang out with my big girl, but I'm also a bit...agitated? Nervous? Wary?

It's complicated.

I need to keep an eye on the Critter Girl too, as she can go from happy playtime to overstimulated pretty quickly, followed by monumental meltdowns. Which are fun for no one.

Fingers crossed for us!

Saying Something

This has been lurking around my mind for awhile now. I'm not sure exactly how to say what I want to say, conveying what I want to convey, without sounding like an idiot. A heartless idiot.

It is hard to blog honestly about parenting when you started blog-life as an IF blogger.

I try to be honest here, and this is the place where I can vent, complain, and otherwise get things off my chest that I might not be able to express IRL. It is such a tremendous help to me to have this blog, to have a place where I can say all sorts of junk. And junk it often is.

But now that I'm blogging about being a new parent, and all the ups and downs that comes with being a new parent (no matter how you got here), it feels strange sometimes. It feels like I'm being ungrateful. Like I'm being callous. Like I'm betraying my roots. My IF roots.

My goal is to be honest. And just because it was a struggle, a long, long struggle with multiple IVFs, travel through several states, and what feels like constant scares, I've made it to the "other side" of IF. I'm a mom now.

And that is great. Really, really great. Trust me, it was all worth it.

Buuuut...it is still an up an down road, this parenting thing. And on this blog, I do complain (dare I say bitch?) about the downs. Is that right to do, to an audience that may still be in the throes of IF? Still struggling to reach the goal? It feels bad sometimes.

Maybe my readership will change. Maybe it already has. Comments have dropped off, which makes me think I'm offending some. I dunno, I'm not sure what my point here is exactly. It just felt like something I needed to say, to acknowledge I'm aware of the weirdness. I don't think it will change what I write about, because I need to write honestly about my journey through motherhood, and I'm a snarky person by nature. I dunno, I just felt the need to say...something.

Blob

I've been thinking about posting for the last few days, and really, had nothing much of drama to report. Things are (knocking LOUDLY on wood here) pretty quiet around here.

Which is something to report, I guess.

We've just about hit the 3 month mark, and things have settled into a nice routine around here. The Critter is sleeping much better; we are transitioning to formula, so my boobs are beginning to calm the f*ck down; and I'm better at reading what the Critter is fussing/crying about at various times and able to meet her needs quickly. We're all sort of getting the hang of this whole being a baby/being a mommy thing.

I will always think of the first 3 months of life as "the blob phase." Really, infants at that stage are all take, with little give. They need a lot, and aren't really aware of their surroundings much. They are little blobs. Granted, super-cute and sweet-smelling blobs, but blobs nonetheless.

But now, oooh, I like now. I get smiles all the time, which seriously, could be the best thing I've ever seen. And the chuckles and small laughs have started, the promise of all the fun to come. And she knows me. She knows I'm the one soothing her, versus someone else. She is also exploring her world more, and it is such a delight to watch her little wheels turning.

I've liked motherhood so far, but to be honest, I know the best is yet to come. I'm so excited about it!

12 weeks

It has been 12 weeks since the Critter Girl arrived - amazing. It's so long, it's so short!

It's also been 12 weeks since the c-section, and I wanted to provide a quick update on me. Pretty much, everything is back to normal. I still have some numbness near my scar, but it is not so noticeable, unless I go to touch that area specifically. I still have the dark line on my tummy, but it is lightening. Some of the squishyness of my tummy has firmed up, although I don't think it can all be attributed to weight loss. Things are just firming up a bit. My energy is good, as long as I get sleep, which is most nights, I'm feeling good.

I still have hot flashes from time to time, last night was awful. This is from the breast feeding, and seems to be worse when I have gone more than 6 hours between feeds, like overnights. I get so sweaty and hot, and my boobs are huge and hard and throb. Fun times. The weaning is going slowly, both for my benefit and for the Critter. My boobs are barely getting the message to slow down, and have really been painful and engorged on a regular basis. It is hard to imagine them not leaking and hurting all the time.

And the Critter had some digestion issues in reaction to the formula, which I'm told is normal. She basically didn't poop for 3 days after starting one 4oz. feed of formula. The pediatrician said this is normal, and to give her an ounce of prune juice. Well, that worked like a charm, and things have been on track ever since. She began her second formula feed yesterday, and pooped well this morning. So we are getting there, slowly but surely. I'd say another month til we are fully off the breastfeeding.

12 weeks. Amazing.