Big weekend

I've got a pretty big weekend on tap. I predict there will be lots of outing, as well as some admitting and confessing.

First, we have the Big Wedding. The wedding for the couple that I went on the bachelorette weekend from hell, and DH went on the bachelor weekend which coincided with my beta day. This should be quite the affair - 230-ish people, in a very fancy new modern art museum downtown. I'm sure it will be fabulous. But, as I am part of a drinking crowd, it will be very much noticed when I do not partake.

So I imagine I will be outed this weekend with many of our friends. Eh, I'm fine with it. Sure, it is earlier than I would want to tell people, but I'm feeling pretty good after the great u/s yesterday, and keep reminding myself that this is a genetically tested embie, so my risk of miscarriage at this point is a lot less.

Second, my dad and stepmother are in town for the weekend, to watch my niece while my bro and SIL attend all the wedding festivities. While I had to tell them last September that we were going through IF, I have not told them any details, they do not know about this FET or pregnancy.

But this weekend, I'm going to tell them. Confess, if you will. We are taking Dad to a Cubs game on Sunday, so I will be able to talk to him without my stepmom first. Which I'm glad about - I want to share the moment with him, without my stepmom taking over, which she is wont to do. We'll see her right after the game, and tell her then.

So a big weekend. Coming out of the closet. Wish me luck.

Like a virgin

I can see your heart beat! For the very first time!

Yup, Madonna knows all. My heartbeat virginity was burst this morning when Mr. P and I saw the critter's tiny little heart beat, for the very first time.

It was pretty cool.

I've seen my ute so many times on an u/s machine, and when she put the wand in, I immediately said, "Well, I've never seen that before!" It was the sac (just one, as it should be, given we only transferred one) and a little critter, with a flickering heart. The critter was measuring a day ahead, at 6w5d, but honestly, I don't think u/s measurements are all that precise. So, in my mind, the critter's measuring on track. And with a lovely h/b of about 125 bpm.

Perfect.

I said to Mr. P afterward that I guess this means I now have a reason for feeling so tired and queasy. This is not a hysterical pregnancy. He looked at me, like I might just be that crazy for even thinking these thoughts, and said, "Yeah, cause that would be a whole 'nother can of worms. I'd be taking you to the inpatient unit instead of the OB." This is what years of training in psychology will do to you.

Anyway - YAY! I'm clinically pregnant! Woot!

Status report

So it is good to hear that it is not just me with this weird fatigue/insomnia thing. Thank you for chiming in, ladies.

I actually slept better last night - using 2 new strategies. First, limit liquids before bedtime. I used to drink more in the evenings, and then was up all the time peeing. Even before the +HPT. So now I need to drink more in the mornings and afternoons and really cut back at night. This seemed to work last night - I didn't wake up to pee until about 3:30am (so a longer sleep stretch in the first part of the night). Second - I did eat when I woke up. I didn't have bananas in the house (good suggestion, R) so I thought maybe string cheese and crackers. A little protein, a little carb. Well, string cheese sitting out for 5 hours is yucky. So that didn't work. But the crackers were yummy, and I fell back asleep after about 30 minutes. That's Progress!!

I feel like a new woman today. Amazing what a decent night's sleep can do. It is like when I was on the evil depot loopyron - those rare nights I slept well were like little jewels to be cherished. I guess this is my future. Being grateful when I sleep well, but not to expect it as a regular occurrence.

Today should have been - or was supposed to be, according to the far-away clinic - my u/s looking for a heartbeat. It makes me wonder what is going on in the ute. Is there a baby in there? Does it have it's own heartbeat now? It is an odd thought. But I will wait til Thursday to find out.

Symptom-wise, I'm getting more nauseous, but only in the afternoon/evening. No morning queasy here. At night, no food sounds good to me, it is hard to decide on what to have for dinner. Chicken sounds especially gross. But then I suddenly get ravenous, and will eat most things my DH puts in front of me. It's weird - as someone who had IBS and is used to messed-up tummy stuff - this is different. I told Mr. P it is more like motion-sickness than upset IBS tummy. Like being on a roller-coaster that smells bad.

Other odd sensations include pulling feelings in the ute area - not cramps, more like it feels like the muscles need a stretch. Like if your hip flexors are tight - that feeling. Boobs sore, with some shooting feelings. Irritability has gone down (good night's sleep helps!!) much to Mr. P's delight.

That's about it. No spotting at all (knock on wood). I hope that keeps up. I'm going to take advantage of feeling better today and enjoy the lovely weather outside.

Have a good day, All.

A cruel joke

How in the world is it possible to have major fatigue AND insomnia?? I don't know, all I know is that is what I have.

I am soooo tired all day. I'm not napping, but I am taking it as easy as possible. I fall asleep at night easily (man, do I looove my tempur.pedic bed!!). But at 2am for the last several nights, I wake up. And I'm awake for the next 2-3 hours.

Argh! It is so frustrating. I'm tired. I want to sleep. But I can't. My mind's not racing, I'm not nervous. I'm just up. Usually it is my bladder that wakes me, but why can't I fall back asleep?

The last two nights I've noticed I'm a little queasy when I wake up, so maybe I'm hungry? I'll have to try snacking tonight. Mr. P will love that - "Honey, what are those crunching sounds? Are you eating crackers in bed at 2:30am??" I'll have to be careful of the crumbs, nothing worse than bed-crumbs.

Is this just me? Anyone else have this? Any suggestions of good bed foods?

6 weeks

A big week, this week. We go on Thursday (6w4d) to hopefully see what has been growing and heartbeating inside me. Fingers crossed for that.

I'm feeling ok about it, but I know I will get more nervous as the day approaches. Today, 4 days out, I'm ok. 20 minutes beforehand, I'll be a nervous wreck. Deep breaths.

Today I have a baby shower. For the 40-year-old (wait, did she just turn 41? I think so...) who got pregnant waaaay before her wedding (posts here and here). And I'll tell you, just because I'm pregnant now, it does not make it any more fun to go. It goes along with my dislike of most things girly, as well as my IF scars I still carry. Just seeing this woman, and seeing her take for granted how easy her pregnancy was to achieve and maintain, it makes me pissed off. I mean, it is not her fault that this was so easy, too easy, for her. But I still resent that she acts as if the whole world has it as easy she did.

But to make it all better, it is the LOST finale tonight. I am beyond excited for this. I am truly one of those geeky people that obsess over this show - read all the blog posts, chat boards, screenshots, etc - and I am just soooooo psyched for tonight. I'm sure I will have sadness and withdrawal tomorrow. But for now - I can't wait for tonight!

Watch out, I bite!

Seriously, don't get too close. I have been super-cranky these past few days, and I may or may not have bitten a few people (and cats).

The hormone roller-coaster must be in full effect, because honestly, I am sooooo irritable. And cranky. And occasionally weepy. Grrrrrr, stay out of my way!

I also feel with this increase in progesterone like I've been drugged. Like I am on the strongest, most groggy cold medicine ever. Like I am wading through jello in my brain.

But I will take it as a good sign, that the progesterone is in my body, because boy, do I feel it. After scouring the interwebs, and all of your lovely supportive comments (thanks!) it seems it is not at all uncommon to have these fluctuations in hormones early in pregnancy. So I'm just gonna take it at that, and give up the worry. Honestly, I'm too irritable to be worried. That's irritable!

And thanks to TeeJay mentioning Five Guys the other day, I can add obsessive thoughts to my laundry list of psychiatric complaints. I have not been able to get that delicious burger out of my mind for days. So today I gave in, and just finished the most yummy burger and fries. So not good for my body, but soooo incredibly good for my psyche.

So much for zen

The monitoring appointment did not go so great today. And honestly, I'm not really sure what all of this means. I was so up on IVF, but actually being pregnant - I have no clue.

So my e2 was at 300 - which is down from beta (328) and just at the minimum (which is 300). The nurse did not alter my estrogen meds, I'm staying on 4 viv.elle patches, every other day. Gluey tummy continues.

But my p4 was down, from 19.6 to 15.3. And they want it over 20. Yikes. My nurse said I was already on a ton of progesterone, but they are upping my doses. So now 3 prome.trium suppositories/day (yuck, so much for avoiding the coochie sludge) up from 2/day, and up to 1.5cc of PIO, up from 1cc.

Is this bad? Is this hurting the chances of this baby? I really have no idea, and it is freaking me out a bit.

Wasn't I just saying I had nothing to worry about? Clearly, someone heard me and gave me something. Damn.

5 weeks (or 3 weeks)

Every Sunday the calendar will turn to a new week. And today I'm officially at 5 weeks.

Even though it is really only 3 weeks. Or 3 weeks 2 days, since the critter was transfered. It is all very odd how they calculate these things - and feels even odder (is that a word?) after doing the FET. Technically the blast growing in my now is more like 5 months old. But since s/he was frozen, 3/5 weeks it is. Strange to think about though.

I had a busy weekend. Definitely the most action I've seen since the transfer. On Friday night, we went out for a belated Mother's Day dinner with my MIL. Mr. P and I decided to share the good news with her, sort of as a Mother's Day present to her. This will be her first grandchild, and to say she was excited would be a serious understatement. I thought she would smother my with all the hugs she gave me. It was sweet. She does not know the fertility nightmare we've gone through over the past few years, but I'm sure she suspected something was up. We told her it was very, very early still, but we figured if things fall apart, we'll need her support.

Then Saturday I went with 2 girlfriends to the Cubs game (oof, they are not so good this year. Painful, really). Much fun anyway, but man, I can feel my stamina is not what is was even a few weeks ago. I was wiped out by the 8th, and ready for a nap. So I bowed out early, came home and shut my eyes for a bit. That's a new thing for me - I've never been a napper.

Other than that, symptoms kind of come and go. Tired for sure. Still thirsty. Sore boobage. Odd twinges in my belly here and there. Occasional funny tummy. A touch bloated. But no spotting, no cramping, nothing bad. I hope it stays that way.

Up next - Tuesday blood work for e2 and p4 monitoring. And I booked the big u/s for a week from Thursday. Which will be 6w4d. I hope that is late enough to see a heartbeat.

Ok, time for to watch those Cubs struggle some more. Maybe rest my eyes.

Surreal

I keep looking at that chart I posted yesterday. Over and over again. It is the prettiest thing I've ever seen.

And I'm having a hard time believing it is mine.

I've followed so many blogs, and seen so many of those charts. It is hard to imagine I actually get to post one. It seems surreal.

I've been feeling really lucky lately. Lucky that I got over my implantation hump. That, at least for awhile, I know what it feels like to see 2 lines, to be pregnant. More surreal feelings.

And oddly, I'm feeling confident. Boy, I know - now that's a bold statement - a fate tempting declaration. But I am. In my head, it has always been an issue of implantation (well, and genetically normal embies). And now that I'm past both of those hurdles, I'm not really sure what else to specifically worry about. So I'm not worrying.

Other than the small, superstitious dread I feel right now. Putting such fate-tempting boldness out into the world, in writing, surely the lighting will strike me down. Right?

Or maybe this is the karmic swing I've been waiting for. Yeah, I like that better.

Sorry for the delay!

I spent all day yesterday waiting. And waiting. And waiting some more.

I had my blood draw for beta #2 at 9am. I didn't get the results call until almost 7pm. ARGH!! And then Dancing with the Stars/Cubs game/Lost came on, so I did not update til now. Sorry!!

Anyway, no need to keep y'all in suspense too - beta doubled (almost exactly) at 404. So no more betas for me. Here's the obligatory chart:



Yay! I go in a week for e2 and p4 monitoring, and in about 2 weeks for the u/s.

Question for you smart ladies and gents - how far along should you be to see the heartbeat? I always thought it was later in the 6th week, even into the 7th, but they want me in earlier than that. More like 6w2d. This seems early to me. Thoughts?

Symptoms: Yup. Boobs still KILLING me (although it seems to go in waves), tummy not nauseous, but feeling a bit off. Tired. Thirsty. And the progesterone is really trying hard to keep things...ummm....slow moving. I'm eating dried fruit and doing a shot of aloe vera juice (yuck!) every day. It seems to be helping a bit.

And lastly, thank you so so sooooo much for all the congrats, well wishes and shout-outs of support. It just means so much to me. Thank you, thank you, thank YOU!

The corner

I woke up about 3:45 this morning, woken up by my bladder. I lay in bed, debating about how badly I had to go, and if I should consider this my FMU.

About 4am, I finally rolled out of bed, sucked up all my courage, flipped on the bathroom light, and took out my FRER. Took a deep breath, and peed.

Put the stick down, and watched the clock. After about 2 minutes, I couldn't stand it any longer, and peeked. And for the first time in my life, I saw 2 lines.

Giddy. That is how I'd describe me at 4am in my bathroom. Giddy! I took a picture and texted it to Mr. P, and a few IRL friends that know the deal.

I couldn't fall back asleep, I was just too excited. So I tossed around for an hour, decided to watch SNL from last night (Betty White lived up to the hype! Love her.) Finally at 6:30am, I got up, went downstairs, and had breakfast.

Mr. P got home waaaaay early - 7:45am after a 2 hour drive. He came with me for my blood draw.

The clinic where I do my draw is not the clinic where I ever received treatment. But the nurse said she'd call me with results. Yay for the nurse.

2 hours later - phone rings. Local nurse says while she can't tell me the exact number, she says it's good. "Over 50?" I ask. Oh yeah, she says. "Over 100?" Yes.

Awesome.

About 40 minutes later my far-away nurse calls. She's working today, and tells me the beta.

196.

Hot damn, now that's a beta!!

Needless to say, I am overcome with joy. I can't stop grinning. I have turned a huge corner. I have - in almost 3 years - never had 2 lines. Never had a beta above 0. Never gotten this far. But I have now turned this monster corner, and am looking down a new road now. It's a long road, I know, and rife with obstacles and surprise and drama. But just that I get to see this road, for the first time ever, feels amazing.

the day before The Day

Still here. Still haven't POAS.

I'm feeling more emotionally stable than I did on Thursday. Not sure why, exactly, as I'm still not feeling too confident. I mean, I'm better than I was, I can let in a little hope. But not too much. It is self-protective. But at least I'm not a weepy mess (at the moment).

I am having symptoms, but again, I've been here too many times to attribute them to anything other than the PIO/suppositories. So I'm just trying to ignore it (or them, in the case of my painful boobage).

The plan is: Wake up tomorrow. Feel full of dread. POAS. Freak out, one way or the other. Drink some water. Go for fateful blood draw at 8:30am. Go home. Wait for DH. Wait for phone call. Get phone call. Freak out s'more. Update blog.

Thanks for all your positive wishes for me, I really need the external propping up at this point. It is nice to know when I'm lacking the strength and confidence to have positive thoughts myself, they are still out there - from all of you very nice ladies and gents. It really means the world to me, every one of those comments. They really really help me feel better. So thanks.

Where I stand today

I have not POAS yet.

And I'm now thinking I might not until Sunday, before the blood draw.

I asked DH last night, and again this morning if he thought I should POAS today, while he was still in town. He said that if I really wanted to I could, but he wishes I wouldn't. He doesn't want me sad while he's not here, and he is scared about getting a false negative.

I had dreams last night of POASing. And they were all positive, happy results. It was nice. But today...today I am feeling like there is no way this FET worked. I don't know what's come over me, but I'm just feeling sad today, and losing my hope. Maybe it's just PTSD from every other beta experience we've had (all negative). Maybe my body knows something that it is only sharing with my emotions. I'm not sure, but I'm feeling today like it is over.

So I don't think I want to know that for sure without DH being here. So I'll test with the FMU on Sunday, go for my bloodwork, and DH should be home to pick me up off the floor around 10 or 11am. We'll wait for the call of doom together.

Sigh, I'm tearing up as I write this. I was doing so well this week, and now I'm just hopeless. Damn.

I haven't cried in so long, not over IF. But here it is. Tears again.

I hate beta.

How two lines divide us

Wow. Lots of strong, but differing opinions to that last post.

Who knew that POAS would cause such controversy?

So let's see if some additional info would sway your opinions - DH is not going out of town for work. He's going on a bachelor weekend (the male half of the couple I went on the bachelorette disaster a few weeks back).

On Mother's Day weekend. On beta weekend.

As you might be guessing, I'm none too thrilled with this. Not with going on a bachelor weekend itself, but of the timing of it. And I said as much as it was being planned. I knew it would be beta weekend, and told him so. But it was allegedly the only weekend that would work, so this weekend it is.

Does that change your opinion at all? Just wondering...

Was this Shakespeare's dilemma?

To pee or not to pee, that is the question.

Normally I'm all for POASing, and would begin on Friday or Saturday morning, before beta on Sunday. Yes, my beta is on Mother's Day. Ack.

Anyway, my hesitation with my normal POAS plans is my DH's travel plans. He is leaving town Thursday after work, and will be back early on Sunday (he damn well better be home before the beta phone call). I'm not too thrilled that he is gone on this important weekend. But it is what it is, and he's going.

We talked about it a few weeks back, and he asked me not to POAS without him. He asked me to promise him I wouldn't, but I couldn't fully do that. I'd said hedging kind of things like "I'll try" or "We'll see."

So, people, what would you do? I don't want to hear the results from some stranger weekend-coverage nurse first. Either way. But I'm not sure it is such a good idea to be alone for the weekend with bad news. Thoughts, suggestions?

Would you or wouldn't you?

My stolen strategy

We're back home!

Bedrest was fine, although I think it's funny that I'd happily lay around of my own volition, but if required to do so, it seems like jail. We had a smooth flight home, and I was so happy to see my kitty again.

So my strategy for this week wait I'm stealing from Susie. I like her combo of pretending nothing has changed, with a very large dollop of enjoying being PUPO. As she says in another post, it may be the only time I get to enjoy being pregnant, so I'm going to soak that in. Very wise, that lady, and it's worked well for her. Yay Susie!!

On a totally different topic, I'd like your thoughts on acupuncture after transfer, and beyond. Dr. Famous does not allow it, until after you are transferred from his care. But I tell you what - I miss acu! Anyone have any personal stories of doing acu? I'm not really going to go against Dr. Famous' wishes, but I am interested of learning more about others' experiences.

Have a good week everyone!!