our conversation

I needed to get that last post off the top - blech. Not that I have much to write about now, but I just felt compelled to get it off.

Soooo, how are you doing? What's new? Yeah? That sounds interesting, tell me more.

Oh, I'm ok. Just the same old stuff around here. Yeah, Critter is great, she only sort of understands this whole Christmas thing. Yeah, she is sort of scared of Santa still, but conversely has become obsessed with the "Twas the Night Before Christmas" book she got last year. She looks at Santa with fear and awe. I guess that's about right.

Me? Oh, I'm fine. Still freaked out by people, crowds, but whatever, I'll get over it I guess. My ovaries? Eh, they are the same too. Still not sure about the whole cycle again thing. Yeah, me and Mr. P have talked about it again, but no forward movement really. He seems more amenable to the idea now, for sure. I think I'm the one really dragging my feet at this point.

Holiday plans? Yeah, we are travelling Back East to see my family for Xmas. Not looking forward to the crowded airports, but I think it will be nice to see my family for the holidays. It has been several years since we went Back East for a major holiday. That's what infertility and a new baby will do to you.

So, yeah. It was good to chat with you. Let's not wait so long next time to catch up, ok? Hugs.



(p.s. - you are supposed to leave your half of our conversation in the comments)

traumatized

I went to the grocery store on Sunday. We were out of everything, it had to be done. I went to my local store, during the football game, so it wouldn't be too crowded.

I noticed when I walked into the store, I felt nervous. Fluttery stomach, heart beating fast. I glanced around, looking suspiciously at everyone. I moved quickly and was way too hyper-vigilant about my surroundings.

I got everything I needed as fast as I could and was happy to leave the store.

How messed up is that?

I live half a country away from the East Coast, from Connecticut. I do not know anyone, or know anyone who knows anyone, directly involved. I don't do Facebook, Twitter or any other of that over-connected crap. I've limited my news consumption since Friday, trying hard not to exposed myself to sad or gory details that could further traumatize me.

But that's the rub, isn't it? I'm already traumatized. I'm affected. I'm anxious in crowds now. I'm distrustful of others. I just want to stay home.

And it's not just Connecticut, it's Oregon too. It's Texas, it's Colorado. It's everywhere, it seems.

I'm having a hard time with this, more so than I ever have before. How do you move on? Mel talked of faith and I commented on her blog that faith is one thing I generally lack. It's true, I'm not a faith-based person. I struggle with "just believing" in something. I want proof, I want fact. And right now, the facts point me in a very scary direction.

I tell myself it will all be ok, that we will all be ok. I'm hoping it will sink in at some point and feel more true than it does right now.

rocked

I was in Nordstrom today. I was finishing what I call a "power shop" when I have a very limited amount of time (like 45 min start to finish) to get something very specific. Today it was tops, both casual and could-be-dressed-up to wear this winter.

I was at the checkout line, chatting with my super-helpful sales lady (the main reason I love Nordstrom, the sales people there rock) and congratulating myself for successfully getting 4 items, when a customer across the counter from us starts recounting the horror.

"Some reports of almost 30 dead," he says, shaking his head. "I heard many are kids."

My ears raised. "What happened?" I asked naively. My sales lady just shook her head.

Another salesperson helping that man said, "I heard he went in, killed the principal, then the vice principal, then the school counselor, then went into a kindergarten class and shot all the kids."

My stomach dropped. I thought I was going to puke on the saleslady. "Where?" was all I could muster.

"Delaware?" she said. "No, Connecticut."

I finished my transaction in a daze, and shakily made my way out of the store. Glancing around at everyone else, wondering if they knew. Wondering how they felt. Wondering if they carried a gun. Wondering if they too wanted to harm us all. All I wanted to do was get out of the crowds. Fast.

I've worked in education. I've been both an elementary and pre-school teacher. I've worked in mental health, in schools. I've worked in higher education, both in administration and teaching.

This is my world, the world I know. Safe places, or at least they were. Schools.

And now I'm a mom, of a kid that will be going to pre-school, then kindergarten. In a school. A supposedly safe place for her to learn and grow.

But now, still nauseasous from this horrid news, how can I let her go out in this fucked up world? What is wrong with people? Why, good lord, why would someone want to shoot kindergartners? What kind of world is this? How can my dear Critter be exposed to this? Be hurt by this?

I can't even begin to fathom where the parents are tonight. What they are doing, how they are surviving this. It has made me sick, physically sick. My heart aches for them, for the kids that survived, for those that bore witness to this absolute madness.

Tonight I am sad. Scared, too. Sad and scared for this world.

23 months

This is it, Critter Girl. The last time I can talk about your age in months, without people thinking it is weird. Honestly, I've been saying "She'll be two in January" for a few months now, because 23 months just sounds sort of odd to my ears. You are almost 2! Let's see what this month brought us:

Singing! You are starting to sing! You like to sing the Thomas song ("Thomas and his Frieeeeends!") and Twinkle, Twinkle and the ABC song. Granted, I don't know if anyone else would call what you are doing singing, let along recognize the song, but Momma knows. You are doubly excited when I sing with you. It is very cute.

Another molar! Oy, it has been back to drooly, gooey, chewy Critter again with these darn 2-year molars coming in. You even told me it hurt one day. Poor girl. Your sleep has been a bit off, especially falling asleep at night, and I think it is because your teeth hurt. This is you other bottom molar. I cannot see the tops ones at all (I've tried!) so maybe them too. Gosh, I hope so, I'm ready to be done with the teething. I'm sure you are too.

Tantrums? I don't know if they fully qualify as tantrums, as they pretty much only last like 30 seconds, but you are certainly becoming more frustrated with things lately. You will throw your hands in the air in frustration (and send whatever was in your hands flying) and make a frustrated grunting noise. You are easily distracted from this frustration, and it doesn't last long, but it sure looks like the first of the "terrible twos" I've been warned about. Let's hope it stays like this.

I was looking at last year's Xmas card picture of you, and cannot believe the changes in you, in just this one year. You look so much like a kid now, compared to that baby from last year. You walk, you talk, you have opinions. You are a little person now. But you'll always and forever be my baby. I'm so happy to be here, watching you grow and change ever day. I love you, my sweetest of sweet Critter Girl.

Please help her out!!

My dear bloggy friend Patience has just matched with an expectant birth mom! If you don't already read her blog, Searching for the Missing Piece, she has been down a looooong IF road. She is a wonderfully supportive and kind lady, and I'm just so very excited for her!

So please check out her Etsy shop and Good Wishes page, and if you can, help out.

Danka!

Wavering

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but I've found myself wavering in the last few weeks. Back and forth, back and forth, and back again.

As the time begins to draw near to make a decision about doing the hail-mary cycle, I'm wavering.

I sort of thought this might happen. As the sting of the two FET failures this summer wears off, I am thinking more rationally about cycling again. Not just FET prep, mind you, but full-on cycling. Like at least a week, probably more, away at the far-away clinic. With a toddler. At 40 years old. With semi-crappy eggs and potentially crappy lining.

It just seems like a daunting task, one I'm not 100% sure I'm up for anymore.

But then I see all the moms in the Critter's Gymbo class, pregnant and managing to raise a toddler too. And I think, hey, I can do that too! But then I have to remind myself, it is most likely that they did not have to go to the far away clinic (or any clinic, for that matter) and pay all the money and inject all the crazy-making hormones and go through all the hoops to get that pretty belly bump. Which I think makes a difference.

I dunno. I'm wavering. It's true.

again.

Good lord help me, it happened again. AGAIN.

Do you long-time readers remember my friend that had the whoopsie pregnancy a few months before their wedding? The girl that tried to pretend she wasn't 5 months pregnant in her wedding dress? Who got pregnant at 40, without even trying? Who then had their second kid (on their first try, mind you) 17 months later?

Can you guess where this is going? Yeah. Uh huh.

Baby #3, due in April. Mind you, she will be flirting with 43 at delivery. ARGH!

Oh, and to add insult to my already super-green-with-jealousy injury, they weren't even trying. Another fucking whoopsie. Which is shocking to me, given they should know how babies are made by this point. And of course they are, among our friends, voted most likely to divorce or kill each other. So glad they are bringing yet another child into the chaos that is their life.

Now they will have three kids under 3.

Fuck me.

Good times

Our first family vacation was a resounding success. It was so fun to see my sweet Critter Girl ask to go to the beach every day, and her eyes light up when she sees her swimsuit. She knows what that suit means - FUN!

She is so great on the airplane, a born traveler. I think the key is we get her her own seat, and she sits in her own car seat. It's familiar, she is used to being in it. She's used to having to stay in it for periods of time. And I don't have a squirming toddler in my lap. It is worth every penny of airfare to get her her own seat. Mr. P even registered her for her own frequent flier number. We use this awesome wheelie thing to wheel her ginourmous carseat through the airport. It can even be used with her in it - like a stroller. Genius.

She loved loved loved the beach - a girl after my own heart. Mr. P and I are warm weather people, and vacation can only mean one thing to us - beach. And Critter is no different it seems.

Now that we all happily survived our first vacation, e are already thinking about the next time. Good times, very good times.

22 months

Almost 2 years! I can't begin to believe it is only 2 months until you are two. Time really does fly when we are having so much fun! Let's see what happened this month...

Critter's Turn! You use this phrase a lot now. You have gotten the idea of taking turns, and you will tell me when it is my turn, or your turn, or your teddy bear's turn. Sometimes though, it is only your turn, forever. Working on sharing still.

Cry! You now say "cry" in the saddest voice when you are upset about something, particularly when Dada leaves for work. You'll say, "Dada leaving. Cry." And then sort of pout, sniffle, look sad, lay on the floor. Sometimes you actually cry too. I still think it is so cute, even though you are sad.

Regression. I don't know why, but you have regressed in some ways this month. You are having major separation anxiety again, after we were over that for a few months. I have to reassure you endlessly that even though Mama leaves, Mama always comes back. You want me in eye-shot at all times. Honestly, it has been a bit exhausting for Mama. I'm hoping we get through this phase soon.

Molars! You went for your first dentist visit this month. You did a nice job, I mean you screamed while they actually examined and cleaned your teeth, but you recovered well and didn't seem too upset. You now have 17 of your 20 baby teeth, because your first 2-year molar has already arrived. I knew something was up, you've been chewing everything in sight. It's hard to get a good look all the way back in your mouth though, so I'm not sure if any more have come in or are about to. Have to wait and see.

Another fun month, sweet Critter Girl. Gotta start planning that 2 year birthday party!!

Vacation

Sorry for the radio silence. I'm in a blog funk I guess. We are not really doing anything with the TTC/IVF/far away clinic stuff right now, so my mind is elsewhere.

Elsewhere, like Florida!! We leave on Sunday for a 6 night trip to the Gulf Coast. To say I'm excited would be an understatement. We haven't taken a family vacation (other than to visit family, which does not count as vacation) since the Critter was born. Long overdue, if you ask me.

It was originally going to coincide with a conference that Mr. P was attending. However, he dropped out of the conference (too long of a his-work-drama story) so now it is a real family vacation. I'm so excited for the Critter though. She has no idea what's coming.

For a girl that likes water as much as she does, there is a kiddie pool and the beach. I think just those two things will keep us busy for the entire week. Endless sandbox? Unlimited water? Done and done.

So bon voyage! See ya later, gators!

Day 3 results

Where does the time go? It's a mystery.

Anyway, I finally got my Day 3 testing results back. Just to show how different things are these days, I FedExed my blood back to the far away clinic last Wednesday, like a week ago Wednesday, and just got the results yesterday. Like 8 days later. Which just goes to show you, I'm not the same on-top-of-it girl I once was.

And just to show you I really have no clue what I'm talking about anymore, they don't test my TSH like I thought in my last post, but FSH. Duh. Oh yeah, I remember that FSH now.

(Question for all you smart endocrine girls out there - MTL, I'm looking at you - is FSH or any of these hormones tested at all altered by taking the syn.throid? Just wondering.)

So it was not as bad as I feared, which isn't to say it was all good either. FSH was 9.6, e2 was 23, LH was 3.8. So those are all good, within desired ranges. The bad news is my AMH has tanked to 0.8. Granted, this is expected with aging, but still doesn't bode well for retrieving lots of eggs. And as a reference, my AMH was 2.4 in '09.

Dr. Famous wants to have me on the same protocol I did in Jan '10, the same protocol that produced the Critter. Making sure to include the HGH, which I did last time too. No Tour de France win for me.

Again, I think we are not gonna cycle til the Spring (March? April?), but I'm glad these labs are done. One less thing, ya know? I'm still feeling a bit...Overwhelmed? Ambivalent? Detached? Scared?...about it all. I want the kid, I'm just not so sure I want all the drama that comes with making the kid. But such is life, and I must inject the bad in my ass to get the good, sweet-smelling, spit-uppiness that I crave.

not like riding a bike at all

When I contacted my nurse at the far away clinic to see about the logistics of cycling again, I ended the email by saying how it had been a while since I've cycled, and to give me any information I forgot to even ask about.

It's true, it feels like FOREVER and three days since I've done this. Almost three years, if you want an accurate number. January 2010. It is amazing how the mind works too. I have blocked out so much, forgotten all the crap that goes along with cycling in general, and cycling at the far away clinic, specifically.

Like Day 3 labs. Huh, forgot all about those. TSH (which given I'm on thyroid meds should be in a nice acceptable range), e2, LH, and AMH. I've forgotten what they all mean, what levels I should have, I've forgotten all of it. I used to live and die by these numbers, and now...poof, it's all gone. And of course the far away clinic will only let their lab run these tests, so I have to get a blood shipping kit sent to me, get the blood drawn on the right day, freeze it and ship it back to them. Which of course costs money, out of pocket money. Sigh, I forgot just how fast everything rings up there.

Honestly, I feel a bit overwhelmed getting back into this again. I don't have the time or energy to care as much as I used to, to be on top of things like that. And the cost, well, it weighs on me more now than it ever did before. Money that could be going to our house fund, or to stuff for the Critter.

I thought today, as I was working to get this shipping kit sent to me, that if my labs come back as total shit, maybe that will be enough for me to end this. But then I realized I have no idea what total shit labs would even look like!

It is beginning to feel a bit crazy around here. Stay tuned.

21 months

Happy 21st, Critter Girl! You are become more and more of a person, with all that goes along with that, every day. Let's see what highlights there are this month...

3 words! And real sentences! Your language development continues to amaze me. You regularly chain two words together now, everything gets an adjective it seems: big truck, hot coffee, fluffy cat. And you have begun using phrases like "I like it." With about 85% accuracy on that one too! Every day more strings of words. And you like playing around with plural, so you count every thing: "One cherry, two cherries!" Lots of counting around here.

Swimming! To continue with your love of all things water, we went swimming together in a real pool this month. You've been in kiddie pools, and zero depth, where you can walk in on your own and it is only waist deep on you. But now we have an indoor pool to go to for the winter, and of course, you love it. You have no fear of the water still (which can scare Momma quite a bit), and you love to splash, watch Momma blow bubbles, kick your legs, wave your arms underwater, and generally enjoy the water. I hope you love water as much as I do your whole life.

The Tower! You got to the point in the kitchen that Momma or Dada couldn't do anything with you whining to be picked up so you could see the action. So we caved in and got you an observation tower. You love it, and you can get in and out of it yourself no problem. You helped me make tomato sauce today, you like to play in the sink, you and Dada now can make waffles so much easier. Great purchase, for everyone.

I am having so much fun getting to know you every day. Your personality is emerging as sweet, happy, a bit shy, and very smart. I love you, my sweet Critter Girl.

anniversary present

It was Mr. P and my anniversary last week. 6 years married, and about 6 more together before we got married, but hey, who's counting at this point?? We celebrated on Saturday by going out to dinner at a place we had both wanted to try for a while. We got reservations several weeks ago, and I was really been looking forward to a date night out.

So we are having a nice dinner, we ate some really yummy stuff, had some nice cocktails and wine (ahhh, booze, so nice to have you in my life again!) and nice conversation. Then there is a natural lull in the conversation, I think I had my mouth full of some delicious octopus, and out blurts Mr. P, "Let's do it!"

I look up at him and say, "What?" with my full mouth. Swallow and smile a bit. He says, "You know what." And I smile more.

I ask him if he is sure, and what made him change his mind. He said it wasn't really a change of mind, but more of a chance to think about it more (he is totally the one in our relationship that thinks things through over time, unlike me who just jumps right in). He said that while work is total crap right now, he doesn't want his work to determine if we should try to grow our family. We will make it work, regardless of his work situation. Then he just said, "And the Critter is just so awesome, how could we not?"

That's exactly my point. How could we not try?

So we are back in the game, people. I have an email in to my nurse at the far away clinic to discuss logistics of a final cycle in Feb/March. I think we will skip the genetic testing this time around - it is so expensive, and honestly didn't give me too much great info last time - so maybe a fresh transfer too? I'm not sure with the depot loopyron if that is an option.

I'm excited. Trying not to be too hopeful. But definitely excited.

coming out?

I was at the park yesterday with the Critter Girl, and we were joined in the sandbox by a girl I guessed to be about Critter's age, maybe a few months older. And then her mother and baby brother came over too, and the mom and I started chatting, as moms at the park are apt to do.

We chatted about the girls ages (they were in fact 5 months apart), kids clothing we liked, her work (she works 4 days and is home Fridays with the kids), me being a SAHM, blah, blah, blah. It was a nice, easy conversation, I enjoyed talking with her while the girls led us all over the playground.

While we were pushing the girls on the swings she asked me if we were interested in having another child. Innocent question, and fit in with the flow of the conversation. I think she had been talking about how her son came a little quicker than she thought he would. It didn't seem intrusive or odd that she asked.

I replied that we would love to have another child or two, but life may not work out the way we want it to. I said that the Critter was hard-won, and it took almost 4 years to get her. While I didn't say the word infertile, I clearly conveyed it.

I think she was a bit surprised to hear this, I mean who says this out loud? But she was very nice, and said how the Critter is all the more special for it and gave us a nice smile.

We went on talking about other mommy things, and then it was time to go. We said our goodbyes, and hoped to meet up on another Friday when she was home from work.

I strolled the Critter home, thinking about what I had said. I don't know if I'd ever acknowledged my infertility to someone who was not a close friend or family member. It was a first for me, and I must say, it felt nice to be honest. To admit that having a child/ren can be hard, if not impossible. To spread the awareness a bit.

life chugs on

Again another week between posts. Not intentional, but time seems to escape me these days.

Life is chug, chug, chugging along here. It is sort of funny, how I am able to slip right back into our routines, our ruts, our life, even when we are also in the midst of some major life decisions. The Critter and I go about our days, having fun together, going to her classes, the park, on playdates, to the store. Everyday life things. And it is fun, I'm happy in our routine.

Then I'll see the preggers lady pushing a stroller with a kid about Critter's age, and my stomach will drop a bit. It is not as bad, as visceral, a reaction as I used to have in my pre-Critter days, but it still makes me pause for a second. Pause to curb my jealousy, mostly.

Mr. P and I are in "thinking about it" mode. Which means we really haven't talked about it since last week's big talk. I did contact my insurance, and we do have 2 more IVF tries paid for. So that's nice, I guess. But like I said, just because insurance will cover, if we go to the far-away clinic again to cycle, much comes out of pocket too. So it is hardly free, or fully covered.

He is also weighing the idea of leaving his current job. A crazy thing, perhaps, in this day and age. But he is investigating options, and seeing what else is out there for him. Even if he did leave, he'd get some sort of severance, so that weighs into the decision too. I does scare me a bit, but I hope that it will be worth it in the end. We shall see.

So that's the deal these days. Life moves along, regardless of the inner turmoil that may be going on. And sometime the routines of life can be very soothing. Lulling me into thinking it will all be ok somehow. Whether it really will be or not, ya know?

The talk

So we talked last night, one of many talks I think.

Suffice to say, Mr. P was taken very much by surprise by me saying I wanted to cycle and try again. He was really not ready to hear that from me. And it totally overwhelmed him. He couldn't understand, after all of our failures, from trying on our own, to the failed IUIs to the failed IVFs locally, to the 2 recent failed FETs - he couldn't understand how trying again would be any different. He said he sees the Critter as an anomaly, as a miracle, and he can't understand how I don't see that. He can't understand how I still ask "what if" and how I still have hope to try again. He doesn't have that hope, and as he said, he's exhausted from it all. He's exhausted from the cycle of hope and failure, over and over again.

He also feels we have put our life on hold, for over 5 years, in our attempts to build our family. He feels his career has suffered in some ways, because he has chosen the safe route, staying put with the steady paycheck and health insurance, instead of taking some risks and potentially furthering his career. He is ready to move on with life as our family of three, and begin to plan for that future, not for the future with more uncertainty of IF treatments.

While we might be able to afford another round, it would be a big stretch and definitely a burden on us. I do have a call in to our insurance to even see if we are covered for another retrieval - the jury is out on that for now. If it isn't covered, then that is certainly all she wrote. We couldn't do it all out-of-pocket.

Mr. P didn't say no outright, and agreed to think more about it. But in hearing him talk, and hearing how my rock, my stable guy, my steadying presence - hearing him talk about how infertility has worn him down, how it has hurt him - well it made me pause. Pause big time. Am I really willing to put us down this road again? Am I really willing to put him through the turmoil, for odds that are against us? I don't know. It certainly doesn't seem as appealing as it did before we talked.

So that's where we are today. We agreed to talk again after gathering more information (like insurance and timelines for cycling) and after we both had a chance to mull it over more. I think even if we did decide to cycle again, it wouldn't be until the spring. And that makes me pause too. I'll be 40 then. Yikes. Is it really worth it to try and cycle again at 40, hoping to have a child when I'm potentially 41 or 42? And Mr. P even older? That scares me a bit too.

Stay tuned, I guess.

What if

I'm here, still grieving. I am having a hard time coming to terms with "this is it" when I can't help but wonder if another cycle might give us more definitive answers.

Here's where my head is at: if I cycle again, and it is crap, that is much more of an answer - my eggs are crap, and that's that. Closure. An end I might be able to live with better than where I am right now. And if my eggs aren't crap - well, that's what we're after, isn't it?

Right now, all I can do is wonder. What if. What if my eggs aren't total crap yet? What if there is one good one we can get? What if, what if, what if.

I think I am going to broach this with Mr. P tonight. I've been really mulling it over with myself, and I keep coming back to the fact that I'm not feeling closure. I need to cycle to be sure.

Am I being dumb? Is this a total waste? I don't doubt I'm not in the clearest state of mind right now, help me weigh this out logically.

fantasy island

Wow a week has gone by since I last posted. It feels like eons ago, and it feels like just yesterday since I got my last BFN.

Overall, I'd say I'm doing pretty well. I'm not in tears all the time, or really at any time, anymore. I can talk out loud about what happened without tearing up. I'm starting to remember the plans I had been making in my head, the plans for when I was done with treatments and began living my life again. I've even begun making some real plans, to travel to see family, friends and maybe to the beach.

But I am also finding myself daydreaming. Thinking about alternatives, making other kinds of plans. One popular daydream is of me becoming the IF urban legend, of trying like normal people (ya know, wink, wink, by like, giggle, giggle, having sex!) and getting pregnant. Since we aren't trying NOT to get pregnant, it could happen. Hypothetically speaking, at least. I'd say we have like a 1% chance, if that. But in my fantasy, we are the 1%. Wouldn't that be nice?

In another daydream, we cycle again at the far away clinic. We somehow figure out the Critter childcare impossibilities, have the financial resources to pull it all off, and I end up having my best cycle ever. And of course get pregnant. And have a baby. Wouldn't that be nice, too?

I even have a fantasy of doing an international adoption. Which of course in my daydream is easy, cheap and quick. Wouldn't that be nice, three?

So yeah, fantasy island is a nice place to visit these days. I'm not so sure that when I'm in reality-land that any of those fantasies are realistic or even what I really want (ok, maybe the first one would be ok), but it is fun(?) to pretend. Part of the healing I guess.

1 out of 4

I swear, I am the stat wrecker. If you need those sky-high great pregnancy stats brought down to a lower lever, far away clinic, I'm your girl.

Only one of my 4 euploid blasts led to a pregnancy. Not so good, stat-wise.

I spoke to Dr. Famous today, asked him his thoughts on my 1 of 4 luck. He attributes it to poor egg quality, saying that genetically normal isn't the only thing that leads to life. Other issues, like total number of cells, cell function, and other immeasurables, also play a part. And given my blasts were "okay" looking, never pretty (meaning B grade), they might have had other issues. He doesn't think it has been an uterus issue for me, although he did say that if I were to do it again, he would still put me on the the evil depot loopyron again.

I asked him what he would recommend for next steps, if we were interested in taking any. I was surprised to hear him say IVF with me. I was expecting to hear donor egg. He thinks I can make a decent egg, we just have to find it. I'm not so sure, given its been almost 3 years since I last cycled and and my eggs were clearly not so great then. But it was interesting to hear him not write off my eggs just yet.

So yeah. I'm not really sure cycling again is a path I'm willing to go down, not to mention Mr. P's willingness, or how to do it with the Critter. But it was interesting to talk with Dr. Famous about it all.

I'm feeling a bit better today, thanks mostly to all you sweet people and your lovely comments. I feel much less alone in this, and I am so glad you all are out there and get it. It means so much, more that you know. Thank you.

20 months

Oh Critter Girl, my darling little girl, yesterday you left your teens and turned 20. 20 months that is! Let's not rush things that fast, ok?

Anyway, let's see what happened this month in your world:

Ballet! You began ballet class, or as we call it dancing class, or as I secretly think it should be called, herding cats in pink leotards. You are not so sure about this class. You like the leotard and tights ok, but you refused to put on the tutu they passed out at class. You would not even look at it, let alone put it on like everyone else did. You liked the other props, like fake flowers an magi wands, but I'm not so sure you will take to ballet. Too much structure for you? Well, either way, Momma thinks it is fun to dress you up and take you :)

Dizzy! You have learned (somehow, not from me!) that if you spin around and around you get dizzy and stagger around like a drunk and fall down. Which you think is hilarious! You say "dizzy" and spin and spin, while Momma tried to keep you from crashing into hard objects while you stagger about. Good times.

Sleepy! Your favorite pretend game of the moment is pretending to be "sleepy" and rest your head. Then you shout "wake!" and jump up. This can go on for a while. But Momma thinks it is cute that you are getting the concept of sleep versus awake, and know it is something that you can control. You also get that Momma and Dada sleep in our bed, and the Cat sleeps too. "Shhhh. Quiet. Sleeping."

You've also mastered the alphabet this month, and like to turn letters and number upside down to see what else they can be (6! Now 9! Now 6!). You love to dance to music. You made waffles and pancakes with Dada for the first time. You love to "read" the Williams-Sonoma catalog.

You are Momma's light, my happiness, my world. I love you.

today sucks

I'm not doing so well today. Or yesterday. I've been hit harder by this than I ever expected. Tears are constantly just below the surface and most little things will start me crying (poor Mr. P, little did he know asking me what I wanted for dinner last night would start me bawling).

I just cannot believe this is over for us. I just cannot believe it. I think when I said that I was ok with just the Critter, I hid from myself the knowledge that I still had 2 euploid blasts waiting for me. Surely one of them would be my kid, right? So I said, sure, fine, just the Critter is great, but secretly, unconsciously I knew I wouldn't have to go that route. I knew I had good blasts on ice, just waiting for me.

But now they are all dead. There are none left. They all died inside me, and that is that.

I really thought I'd have another chance, I'd have another go at pregnancy, at newborn-ness, at all of it. It feels like I'm getting a glimpse of what I imagine someone young feels when they are told they have a terminal illness and will die quickly. (and yes, i know, no one is dying here, other than my embies, and maybe part of my soul. i get that). I'm sure it this feeling of "Wait, I thought I had more time, I had plans, I thought I was going to do so much more, I wanted so much more" and not getting any of it. That's how I feel.

Yes, I am lucky. I have the Critter, and she truly is a miracle gift, that is even more clear to me now. But I'm sad for her too, wanting to give her a sibling, someone she would always have in her life, still her family once I'm gone. Now she will be alone. It just makes me so sad.

That's where I am today. I hate it here.

nope.

pretty stark white FRER this morning, with maybe the slightest whiff of a second line, sorta maybe if you looked at it just so.

beta just came back at 4. anything under 5 is considered negative.

stop all meds. wait for my period. wait for dr. famous to call with words that won't help.

all done here. all done.

PUPO update

I'm home - been home since Sunday. Easy, early flight back, an easy trip all around.

I came home to find the Critter snotty, and of course, now I'm feeling all stuffed up and poopy now too. Of course, I can't take anything because I'm PUPO. Snuffle.

I've been feeling "symptoms" but all I think could be attributed to the hormones I'm on, especially the progesterone. So I'm not really feeling much, if you look at it that way, just side effects.

I think I will only POAS on Sunday, right before I go in for my beta at 7:30am. Why ruin the weekend early with bad news, right? I promise to update here with news after the blood draw.

That's it. Off to blow my nose for the gazillionth time this hour.

PUPO for the last time

I'm flat on my back, bedresting it up. PUPO!

Things went well today. I'm not sure if I mentioned it last time, but apparently from my c-section surgery, my cervix is really high up now. So there was some digging around for it and getting longer catheters (really) but my 2 last blasts are now in me.

My one 3BB blast from my 9/09 cycle thawed well, re-expanded 100%, looked good but wasn't hatching yet. But poor Chilly Willy, who has been through so much, looked a bit sad. He thawed ok, but slowly re-expanded and was only at 75-80% at transfer. Again, no high hopes for him. But it confirms our decision to transfer him with the other blast, and not give him is own FET.

Truly, in my heart, I'm not feeling too confident about this. The Critter just looked so much better at transfer than either of these blasts, I'm just not feeling like these guys are gonna make it.

I will do what I can from here til beta, which is next Sunday 9/9. But also moving on in my head too. Protective, I know, but it also feels realistic at this point.

send good wishes

I'm here! I arrived in the far away city this afternoon, on the smoothest and earliest flight I've ever been on. That has to be a good omen, right? Much different from the June failed FET trip, where everything was late, delayed, a hassle. This time has been smooth and easy so far.

It's been a bit like saying goodbye to this place, as I know this is the last time I will come out here. Staying in the same hotel, one last time. I even got a room this time right next to the room I stayed in for the Critter's stim cycle that lasted forever. Same view of the mountains, I remember it well.

Things are a go for tomorrow's transfer. I'm scheduled to arrive to the far away clinic at 12:15pm, do acu (which btw I didn't do for this FET prep, and did just fine, but I'm doing it before the FET itself more for relaxation), then transfer at 2pm. I'm excited.

So please send my two frozen embies all of your good wishes. Or better yet, tell each of them a wish you have for them. I wish for at least one of them to meet their awesome sister.

Think of us tomorrow, and I know we'll feel the love. Thanks!!

It's baaack!

Things have gone into prep mode around here, getting ready for my travel to the far away clinic Thursday for my Friday transfer. I need to get some consents notarized today - so glad the Critter's godfather is a notary! - and get packed and ready.

I tell ya, getting one good bit of news, like Saturday's good lining report, has made me hopeful again. Yikes. It is scary to see how easily that damn hope creeps back in, rearing its ugly head yet again. I'm trying not to get too hopeful, but it is hard to not think about sometimes. When would the due date be? How old would the Critter be then? Could my family come to visit?

Not good. I mean, good to be positive I guess, but not very protective of me.

Sigh, the IF roller coaster chugs on, up and down, playing with my emotions. Just wake me in 9-ish months, with a sweet newborn in my arms, m'kay?

EDITED to add: I forgot to mention, I had my p4 check this AM, and I'm at 15. Nurse says they want over 5, so I'm good to go. I swear, I feel like every time I get the p4 checked there is a different number they want. Failed FET it was 19-something, Critter FET it was 13 I think. Whatever, if they say its ok, then its ok. 2 ass shots down, hopefully many more weeks to go!

Hooray!

Hooray! Finally, some good news around here.

I went in for my lining check this morning (7:15am, yawn) and I am at 9.something! They want between 8-12, so 9.something is right in there!! And nicely striped too!! Hooray!

While I have not heard directly from my nurse yet to give me the "official" thumbs-up, this is not my first rodeo by any means, so I'm confident enough to book airfare and waxing appointments. Ya know, all the important stuff that needs to get done before I leave on Thursday.

It's on, peoples! Transfer is Friday!

EDITED to add: lining 9.2 and e2 332. good lookin'!

Thinking about the what if

I'm still here. Just twiddling my thumbs until Saturday, when I go in for the u/s and blood work. The one that measures my lining, makes sure it is between 8-12, nice and fluffy and striped and pretty. The one that lets me book my airline tickets and confirms that 8/30 will be my transfer date.

The one I failed last time.

I'm going through the scenarios in my head - what if my lining is thin again this time? Should I ask to postpone? Try again later, wait for a better lining? Or should I stall a week like last time, give it time to grow more, and hope that won't compromise things?

I'm feeling more scared about it, as this will be my last try ever. That makes it feel more meaningful, more important that it be just right.

What would you do if it comes back too thin?

e2 blood work results

To document, for the record, and all that.

My e2 yesterday was still low (shock of all shock, NOT!) at 41.8. Not as low as the recent failed FET (31-ish) but not as high as my low e2 in the Critter's FET (46-ish). I've never gotten to the elusive 50+ they want at this check.

Good news is I don't have to do the yucky oral or (shudder) vaginal estrace this time. I just upped my patches from 1 to 4 and we will see where it all stands when I go in for the fateful lining check on the 25th. This is exactly what I did with the Critter FET, so I'm happy about that. I suspect 40 is the magic cutoff number - above 40, just up the patches, below 40 and you're stuck with estrace.

We had a busy morning (Nana's birthday brunch!) so the Critter hasn't yet noticed the explosion of patches on my tummy. Can't wait til she sees the patch party I got going on!

Patch

My daughter has a minor obsession with belly buttons at the moment. She loves hers, and recently has become interested in other people's as well. And of course, we fed the "bee-bo" obsession by reading "Belly Button Book" umpteen times.

So at least four times a day, she asks to see my bee-bo. And by ask I mean she says bee-bo and lifts up my shirt and looks for it. Then sticks her finger in and laughs. Then looks for her own bee-bo. Then wonders how Dada's bee-bo is doing, far away at work. And repeat.

These days though, she has discovered something on my tummy far more interesting that any bee-bo. She has found my patch.

My viv.elle estrogen patch.

And she looooves it. She loves to poke at it, pick at the edges, kiss it (air kisses only) and otherwise entertain herself with it. She asked what it was ("That?") and I told her it was my patch.

Now she knows the word "patch" and specifically asks to see my patch now, not my bee-bo. I am just waiting for a) her do to this in public, say at the checkout line at Tar.get and/or b) ask to see someone else's patch. Sigh, the child of an infertile, the things they come up with!

I do hope all this patch love is helping me absorb the lovely estrogen, and is helping build a beautiful fluffy lining. I will find out tomorrow when I go for a blood check of my e2 level. Wish me luck.

Just you wait, Critter, til I have 4 patches on my gooey tummy. Soon, baby, soon.

19 months

Good lordie, Critter Girl, you had a busy month! And you are now officially closer to two than you are to one, which blows Momma's mind wide open. Let's see what went on this month:

NUMBERS! OMG, you know your numbers. I about fell off my chair (good thing I was sitting on the playmat with you) when we were playing with blocks and you started telling me the numbers on all of them. Just like that, bam, correctly identifying the numbers 0-10. No slow learning curve for you! One day, no numbers, next second, all the numbers. And you can count now too. Yikes, Momma thinks you are a baby genius. And you are learning your alphabet letters too. You have ABC down, love H and I and think Z is super funny.

Language! You know the possessive "s" now, so everything has become either Critter's or Mommy's. Sometimes Daddy's and rarely Cat's. And you have added -ing to a few verbs (cooking! eating! sleeping! cutting!). And your vocabulary knows no boundaries, it expands by several words a day it seems. It is amazing to witness this growth on a daily basis.

Shy! You have suddenly become shy around people you don't know. You will just close your eyes and freeze, like if you can't see them and don't move, they can't see you. But I know you are peeking through your lashes, I see you smile sometimes when you get caught peeking. You will also sometime cover your eyes with new people, but again, you peek through your fingers. You think you are so tricky!

You took a trip on an airplane this month, you started Gymboree class, your hair became long enough to put a barrette in it! I love watching you grow and figure out your place in the world, Critter Girl. As the cashier at the pet food store said, you are a happy little girl. I'm so happy I get to be there to watch it. I love you so very much.

Funky

Its been awhile since I last posted. I keep looking at the blog, every day in fact, but something keeps holding me back from posting. I feel like I'm in some sort of blog funk. I know my commenting has been pretty crappy too, I'm sorry for that.

I know it goes hand in hand with how I'm feeling about this upcoming cycle. I'm in a funk about that too. I just want it over, I just want to be put out of my misery and move on with my life. Its all I think about really, what I'll do when my body is returned to me this last and final time.

I'm feeling more and more resentful about IF these days, just pissed about it. Irritated that I have to go through all these hoops, with no guarantee of success at the end. I'm sure the hormones are helping this wonderful outlook. I got my period today in fact, so the real deal prep starts this week. Whooptie-do.

So yeah, it does not make for happy posts. And really? I don't even feel like writing about it much. It's not the kind of funk that needs an outlet, that needs to be processed and thought about and written about to make it better. It's a funk that if I don't think about IF, I feel pretty good. I want to just live my life, which I'm doing IRL. IRL I am with the Critter every day, and we have so much fun. She is such a great kid, we are the luckiest of lucky to have made such a good one.

Online/IF funk it is. Real life, my life outside of IF, things are going pretty good.

Planning

I've been daydreaming (and ok, maybe internet surfing a bit too) about taking a vacation this fall. I've been looking at both family-friendly and adults-only places (sorry Critter) and thinking how nice it would be to get away for a bit. Warm blue ocean? Yummy tropical drinks? Yes, please!

I've been also looking at smaller houses. We sort of put the whole house hunting thing on hold several months ago, because I didn't want to be TTC and house hunting at the same time. But now I'm looking online again, and looking at smaller places than before.

Why tell you this, you ask? What do these things have in common, other that they take up way too much of my time?

I am doing these things because I don't think I'm going to get pregnant again. In my secret heart, the one I don't talk to others about (well, except for all you lovely people I don't actually know) I don't think this FET is gonna take. I am already planning my life as our family of three, and beginning to move on.

I haven't told Mr. P I've been thinking this way. I mean, what am I gonna say, really? We are going through with the FET, it is happening. But truly, I don't think there is a chance in hell it is gonna work.

That is sort of f-ed up, don't you think?

...and we're back

The Critter and I got back from our Back East adventure on Tuesday. I am really glad we went. It was a good distraction for me, and I think the Critter, city girl that she is, really liked all the grass to run on, and birds to look at, and just to explore. It is exhausting travelling with a toddler, but the Critter is clearly a pro, and she did great on both flights and waiting in the airport. No meltdowns, even when she missed naps. She is a born traveler.

In addition to being back from our trip, I am also back on the FET prep train again. I started taking bcp last Saturday and have a FET date of August 31. Ordered more lupron, and need to order the rest of my meds too. Back again, on the crazy-making, hormone-filled roller coaster.

One thing that has come from the last FET failure and moving forward with this next cycle is an overwhelming feeling from me to be done with this. It is so hard to be back here, riding the ups and downs of the hormones, of the emotions, of the failure. Failing this FET made me think a lot about how I would be with the Critter as my one and only. I used to think I wanted more kids, heck, I still do want that, but it is not as crucial-feeling as it once was. With the FET failure, I think it hit me that I may end up with just the Critter. And I was surprised to feel in my heart that that was ok. Don't get me wrong, we are trying for a second, and I'm going through all of the shots and crapola to get there - but if my sweet Critter girl is all that is meant for us, I'm ok with that too. That's a new feeling for me.

I'm feeling more of a desire these days to move on with my life, and be done with this IF shit. It was so nice being away from it, that now slogging through it all again feels even more cumbersome to me.

So from that train of thought, Mr. P and I sat down and discussed transferring both of my remaining embryos at this FET. Which would make it my last FET. And my last IF treatment. Ever. Of the two that we have left, one is Chilly Willy, the only blast I made at my local clinic, that they wanted to discard. He's been slow-frozen, traveled to the far-away clinic, thawed, biopsied, and vitrified. That's a lot for one little just-ok looking embie to go through. My hopes are not high for him. It seems unwise to do a FET just for him, given his meager chances. So we will transfer both him and the other remaining blast together.

Watch me end up with twins (yikes).

A trip

Things are going ok here. I am still...sad, disbelieving, amazed. All of those things. It comes in waves, where sometimes I forget it didn't work, and then bam, I remember. I am snuggling that Critter extra close, as you might imagine. I do find solace in her sunny smile. How could I not? She is such a joy and we are so very lucky to have her.

In what could be either the best or worst idea ever, I am taking the Critter to see my family Back East for the weekend. Very impromptu trip, to attend a retirement party for my dad. When they scheduled it, we said we thought we wouldn't be able to go, as I'd be pregnant. But I'm not, so they offered to fly us out last minute. Mr. P has a work dinner thingy Saturday night, so he can't come. So just me and an 18-month old toddler. Like I said, either really dumb or really fun.

Thank you all for your vitural hugs and good wishes. They mean so incredibly much to me, really. I've read them many times, and it does ease the pain knowing you all are there and understand. So thank you.

18 months

Happy year and a half birthday, my sweetest-of-sweet Critter Girl! Today you are 18 months old, and it amazes me to even type that. How did you grow up so fast?

Let's see what happened this month:

KITCHEN! For your 18 month birthday (yes, we will always celebrate your half-birthday, because you are a child born so close to Christmas, you need a half birthday to spread things out) we got you a play kitchen. You've had it about a week now, and wow do you love love love it. You can stay busy for hours with this thing. You "cook" and make us all "hot cheese" in the oven and "stir" your "pot" on the stove. You've learned many vegetable names (onion! pepper!) and will make anyone a yummy stew. It also has a phone where you talk to Dada, just like Momma does.

Two words! You are saying a lot more 2-word phrases, and have begun with pronouns. "I do" or "I come" are now regular sayings from you. I am amazed daily with your language growth, you seem to pick up a new word every day or two. I've lost count of how many you know. And I am so glad you now use "yes" as much as "no" so we may just survive the new opinions you have.

Hold hands! You finally will hold my hand when we walk. You never ever never let me do this before. Even when you were learning to walk, you never wanted to hold someone's hand for balance. But recently you have begun to reach for my hand when we are walking, and you let me hold your hand going down the stairs. Momma loves it!

It's been another wonderful month with you, my sweet Critter. Momma and Dada love you so much, and we say every day how lucky we are to have you. We are so very lucky to know you, and get to watch you grow.

beta confirms it

beta of zero. stop all medications. do not pass go. do not collect $200.

I'm very sad. And honestly, a bit shocked. I really thought it had worked. I was feeling stuff...real symptoms, or so I thought. Damn progesterone, fooling me into thinking it worked. I should have known better, because when I had actually been pregnant with the Critter, I didn't feel anything before beta. Not a damn thing.

I also thought we had cracked the mystery of why I can't get pregnant - my whole lining issue, which should have been treated by the evil depot loopyron. Which I did this time, and it still didn't work. With a euploid blast. This scares me, big time. Was the Critter just a fluke, and really, I still have major implantation issues? Issues that can't be detected or solved or treated?

My lining never really took off this time, so maybe it was just crap from the start. Maybe if I can get one that grows at a good pace, a more expected pace, it will be better. Who knows. I sure hope so.

I will have a post-mortem with Dr. Famous later this week when he is back from vacation. I wonder what he will say. I mean really, what can he say? Let's try again?

I have 2 more chances at this. That's it. Please, please let one of them take.

I tested

BFN.

Stark white. Not even a question about it. One lonely line.

Shit.




I will be hugging my sweet daughter a lot today.

bought some sticks

I looked in my drawer last night to see if I still had any POAS sticks left. I found one FRER, but it expired in 12/2011. 6 months off...would I trust it? Nah.

So I went to Tar.get today and got me some brand spankin' new FRER. I opted not to buy the bulk pack, trying to stay optimistic that I will only need the one.

The question now is - when to POAS? Tomorrow AM? Saturday AM, right before my beta blood draw? Not at all? Right now???

Ok, since I bought the damn sticks, clearly I will test. Not POAS is not an option for me. I'm a open a present on Xmas Eve, and search the house the week before to try to find hidden presents that haven't been wrapped yet sort of girl. So yeah. Either tomorrow or Saturday.

Last time I POAS right before beta, that same morning. Mostly because Mr. P was out of town (I know! Before and on Beta Day! It still irks me.). Now that he is most certainly in town, I have the choice.

Not sure what I will do. What would you do?

PUPO wait crazies

I am in PUPO limbo. The dreaded 2ww. Ugh.

I have been feeling REALLY tired, like Capital T Tired. I am sure that's due to my high progesterone, which was 38.18 at transfer. I slept like a rock last night, almost 10.5 hours! And I could nap now. Yawn.

I've been scared about picking up the Critter. The far away clinic advises you not to lift more than 10 lbs. Yeah, my almost 18-month old weighs a lot more than that. Luckily Mr. P took this week off, so he's been doing all of the in/out of crib and high chair stuff. But how am I gonna do this when he is back at work? I guess I have to disregard that bit of advice.

Which scares me to death. I mean, I'd hate for this all not to work, and they I will always wonder if it was because I picked her up too much?

Just another worry to add to the crazy that is the PUPO wait.

Is it Saturday yet?

PUPO!

Hooray! I am officially PUPO!

I am typing this from my comfy bed at the hotel, computer next to me while i lay totally horizontal, flat on my back. its not easy to type like this, let me tell you. But I gotta do what is best for my blast on board, capitalization be damned!

everything went very well today. My sweet frozen blast baby thawed perfectly, and was at 100% and reexpanding. I didn't get a picture because my mom is technologically challenged and couldn't work my iphone. so i didn't get a great view of the blast, so i have to take the embryologist's word on it.

so now i bedrest. nestle in, little one. let's hang out for the next 38-ish weeks, ok?

I've got a time!

We are as official as offical gets, peoples!!

On Thursday June 28 (yes, in like 40-odd hours) I will be PUPO! Can you believe it? I'm scared, excited, nervous, eager - all rolled into one tired lady who hasn't packed yet. Yikes.

Last time I did this, I asked all of you interweb friends, dear interwebbie friends, to think of me right at the exact time of transfer. And I swear I felt it then. Seriously, the day went so well, I was in such a good mental space, I just felt the love. So I need to ask you again. I'm cutting-n-pasting this from that fateful post, way back in April 2010. It worked so well last time, why mess with a good thing?



Ok, all you out there in the world, I need your help.

And this includes you too, lurkers. Yes, you. Yeah, you, sitting at your desk, goofing off at work, reading blogs. And you too, on your couch with the laptop. All of you.

Thursday at 11:30am Mountain time (which is 1:30pm for you East Coasters and 10:30am for you Pacific chicks. International people, whenever you can - it'll take awhile for everything to travel anyway) I need you to do me a favor. An important one.

Stop what you're doing at that time, or at least stop what you are thinking about while doing something else, and send me any or all of the following:

~ prayers
~ best wishes
~ happy thoughts
~ sticky vibes
~ good karma
~ zen and peace
~ good luck

Or any other positive vibes. These will all be beamed to me at the far-away clinic while one of my frozen children is transferred to my painstakingly prepared uterus. I figure with all my regular interweb friends, added to all you lurkers (and I know you're out there, Google Analytics tells me so), will cause a positive cosmic shift (or something like that, I'm fuzzy on the mechanism of all this) and then I'll reap all that goodness.

Thank you!! And wish us luck :)

p4 update

Just a quick update - I went in for my p4 (progesterone) check this morning, and that looks good. After 2 ass shots, and one icky-beyond-ick prometrium suppository, I'm at 20.9, and they want above 20. So squeaking by, but still acceptable. Fine by me.

And flights and hotel are all booked too. We will have to switch hotels on Thursday before the transfer because all the good hotels were booked for Wednesday (and I do mean every hotel in the whole metro area was just about booked, never seen anything like it). We threw around some points and status to get that Wednesday room at a hotel I don't even want to stay in. But whatever, its a place to stay, and for the bedrest part of things, I'll be in the hotel I like.

So things are a go! I'm getting excited!

lining check, part deux

I went in this morning for my second lining check, and I'm happy to report things look good. Whew.

I was so glad to have a chatty, very nice u/s tech (is a crap shoot at this local clinic, some are so nice, others, like a stone wall). Anyway, she was very forthcoming and showed me everything as she measured it. She instantly saw I had a c-section, which made me think she knew what she was looking at. She again had to do both the dildo cam and the tummy scan on me, because as she explained it, after c-sections, your ute just sort of falls backwards. I've always had a retroverted ute, but she said this is different - specifically from the c-section. Huh, did not know that.

So the details - my lining is about 9 (she took two measurements, one with dildo (8.8) and one with tummy scan 9.1) and it still has a lovely stripe pattern which she showed me very clearly. Hey, I figure if I saw it clearly, it certainly is there.

So, whew. I have to wait til this afternoon to get the official ok from far away clinic, but I think we are a go! Mad scramble for airline tickets tonight!

I'll update after I hear from my nurse.

EDITED TO ADD: Hooray! All is on for transfer next Thursday 6/28. My lining was officially 9.1 and pretty striped and my e2 was sky-high at 1100-something. PIO starts tomorrow! Ass, get ready!

Waiting

So I'm still here...waiting til Friday for my lining check. I have been going back and forth between being ok, being positive (hey, the lining's had to grow .5 in a week, right? it will stay beautifully striped and be thick, no biggie) to the exact opposite of that.

In my darker moments, I'm fearing a lining that is too thick (they let me go too long!!) or a lining that is already compacting and lost its pretty stripe (too long again!!). I don't think it hasn't increased at all, but now that I write that out, I will add it to my list of worries. I won't let myself even think the c-word (ack! not cancelled!) at this point.

We ended up cancelling our plane tickets outright, and just waiting til Friday before we rebook. Which, if we get to rebook (please please let it happen), will cost an arm and a leg, but so be it. Hell, what's a ton more money at this point, right? And of course the hotels seem all booked, or close to it for that week - is something going on in the city of the far away clinic that week? Some big conference or something? Who knows, but it will be more expensive and we might not get to stay where I want to. Sigh, just another annoyance from this delay.

For all you far away clinic gals out there - where did you stay? I'm looking into other hotels, preferably with some sort of kitchen, ideally a 2 bed suite. Let me know where you stayed, and if it had any of that.

Otherwise, just waiting. Trying not to freak out...and waiting some more.

6 days - with a bad update

I meant to get this post written yesterday, where it could have been entitled "One Week" but time was not on my side yesterday, and here I am, a day late. Alas.

So, 6 days until transfer....I hope, that is. I went for my u/s check and e2 bloodwork this morning. Bright and early too - 7am. Yawn. It's one thing to be up with the Critter that early, but another entirely to have to drive and talk to people and such.

Anyway, they were quick and saw me right away. My ute is still retroverted, so she actually used a belly scan on me, pushing down super hard, to get the view she wanted. Although the tech said she was not supposed to tell me about it, she said she saw "nice layering" and it was measuring at 7.7. So of course I can't be perfect, because they want it between 8-12. I'm close, and thinking it shouldn't matter that much, as the transfer is still 6 days away. But of course I'm nervous waiting for the call. I have a few more hours to wait, I'm sure.

Last time I had a good thick lining (10-something) but only "faint" triple stripe. I can't seem to have it all. I'll be curious to see if my e2 is still low, with that thin of a lining.

So I'm here. Waiting. Feeling nervous. I'll update when I hear. Fingers and toes and legs and arms and eyes crossed til then.

BAD NEWS UPDATE - Well, I guess 7.5 (the number my nurse at the far away clinic told me) wasn't enough for them. I've been bumped from the transfer next week, and now have a 6/28 transfer date. Which of course fucks up all the plans I had made. Now, the estrace pill I had been taking orally, I am now shoving up my hoo-ha twice a day. Better get to Cos.tco and buy the bulk pack of panty liners. My e2 was good- at 430-something, so that's not the issue.

Needless to say, I'm really upset. My mom was supposed to come out with me, so Mr. P could stay home with the Critter, so of course her plans are all messed up now too. Argh. I'm not going in for another lining check until Friday 6/22, which is one day after when we should have been flying. So the question is, do we change these flights (and pay the exorbitant change fees) to the 6/28 date? Risk it again? Wait to rebook?

Stress dream

Last night I had my first stress dream that I've had in...well I can't remember when the last one was, so in a loooong time. But fitting, given I am scheduled for my BIG u/s on Saturday, I got several emails and a real mail package from the far away clinic reminding me of all the paperwork and Mr.P's bloodwork that we haven't done yet (whoops). Basically yesterday was the reminder to get my ass in gear here, Pie. This is happening. Next week.

So anyway, the dream. I was back in school, like high school (isn't it always high school?), and I was told I had to do a report. It was due tomorrow. And it was to cover the entire history of the world. All of it. By tomorrow. So my rational, logical self said, "Well, can I just do the cultural history? Like just the history of art, literature, music, dance, that sort of stuff?" As if that were somehow more do-able in the 12 hours I had before the report was due. And I remember thinking to myself in the dream, "Geez. I'm usually so on top of things, I never wait til the last minute to do things like this." I was all stressed about it, that I'd never get it done in time.

Hmmmm. Doesn't take some fancy letters after your name to figure this one out, does it?

17 months

Happy 17 month birthday, my getting-to-be-a-big-girl, sweet Critter Girl. Let's see what was new this month:

Water! Oh my lordie, do you like playing in, around, and with water. It's gotten warm out, and the local playground has turned on the play fountain. You are completely fascinated by it, and were sooooo sad when Mean Mama forgot to bring a towel and wouldn't let you play in it. When we went back, fully prepared, you were in water heaven. It was you, and a bunch of much bigger kids playing. I think you think you are a big kid too. You show no fear, don't mind being splashed in the face, and like the water that sprays hard the best. We also got you a water table for home, which can hold your attention for hours. Water is the best.

And on that note - ICE! Ice is your favorite food (?) these days. You are obsessed with sucking, licking and chewing ice cubes. You carefully inspect every adult's drink you see, looking for ice. You ask for ice all the time, and in case I was unclear about what you are asking for, you take me to the freezer, say "Ice please" and point to your eye. Because I think you think "ice" and "eyes" are the same word. It is cute beyond measure, expect when you ask for ice, are told no (because we are somewhere where there is no ice, like the dry cleaners) and get mighty upset. Less cute then.

Down stairs! You can now get down stairs on your own. Well, Mama still holds your hand, but you finally understand gravity and have the depth perception to realize you can't just walk blindly down a step. You mostly go down on your tush (you are very good at following the "sit down" command from me) and are very proud of yourself for not needing Mama so much on the jungle gym.

Talking! Your vocabulary continues to amaze me. You will now ask what something is ("that!" which sounds like "dat!" while pointing to an object) and when I tell you its name, you try your best to repeat what I say. Granted, I may be the only one who understands most of what you say, but you are really absorbing language. You even put together 2 words (hot cheese). And your comprehension is spot on. You can follow multi-step commands (if you want to, that is) and know the names of pretty much all our everyday things.

Yellow! This is one of your favorite words, and certainly your favorite color. You are learning your colors, and for a while most things were "yell-yo" whether they were really yellow or not. You like you wear your yell-yo shirt and will shout out "yell-yo" and point whenever you see it. Orange and green are your second and third favorite colors, respectively.

Another busy and amazing month of growth for you. I was looking back at some 1st birthday pictures of you, and couldn't believe the growth (both physical and mental) you've had in just these few months. From baby to toddler, right before my eyes. Happy 17 months, my sweet, smart Critter Girl. Mama loves you so very very much.

Happy Blogoversary to me!

Yup, hard to believe, but it has been 3 years today since I started this blog. That first post - where I was contemplating getting a second opinion after 4 failed IUIs and 2 failed IVFs - it feels so foreign to read it now. Well, not so foreign I guess - I still have that feeling of "what if?" and of uncertainty about the future.

How far I've come in those 3 years. Working on baby #2 now. If you had told my new-blogger self where I'd be in 3 years, I'd hope against hope you were right, but don't know if I would have believed you.

I know this blog is small (minuscule!) potatoes in the larger scheme of the IF blogging world, and barely a speck of sand in the blogging world in general. I hardly get comments, and I often feel like I'm talking to no one. But I don't want to stop blogging, because if nothing else, this blog has been a great resource to me. To be able and go back and read about these critical times in my life - struggling through IF, being pregnant, early life with the Critter - priceless stuff.

So happy blogoversary to me! I'll sing myself a little song, send myself good wishes for the upcoming transfer, and maybe I'll eat cake tonight in honor of this milestone. Here's to hopefully many more years!

Wake up call

I started having the sensation of having to pee all the time, even when I didn't have to pee. Uh-oh I thought, for sure this is the start of a UTI. Damn, just what I need right now, right??

So I went to the doctor, they were kind enough to squeeze me in when I already had my babysitter for acu. When the took my BP, it was low, like 106/70. No stress here! Or so I thought. Then my urine culture came back mostly benign, not showing obvious infection. Just a slight bit of blood. So the doc asks me if I've been drinking enough fluids.

Ummmm...no. I know I haven't been. It is so hard with the Critter, to drink throughout the day. Both to drink and take the constant pee breaks drinking all that water requires. She always wants to drink Mommy's drink, and it ends up being a mess. I try to drink more in the evenings, but then I'm up half the night peeing. So no. I'm totally not drinking enough. I'm now so dehydrated my kidneys and bladder are getting upset.

Which is a total wake-up call to me. I need to start taking better care of myself. I need to do this if I have any hope of getting a second embie to stick. I need to slow down and wake up. Eat better. More protein. More veg. And by all means, more water!

I've been so busy taking care of the Critter, I've let myself come in second place. I need to take care of myself even more now though, if I want to get and stay pregnant.

First local monitoring

I went today to the local clinic where I do my monitoring for the far away clinic. Today was just bloodwork, to see if my e2 is rising appropriately. I went back and read my blog from the last FET prep, and at this stage, my e2 came back low, and they upped me from one patch to four. I wonder what will happen today.

I have to say, thank your chosen diety for this blog. I have a decent record of what I did before, and it has been great to go back and read about what I was going through the last time I did all of this. Granted, I am in such a different place now, and this time it feels very different, but still. It is so helpful to read back and be reminded of the whole process again. And be prepared that I may have low e2 today, like I did last time. And that having a low e2 is ok. And that all this juicy lady bits stuff going on right now is exactly what happened to me last time too. All normal.

My other big thought for today is it is tough to go back into a fertility clinic waiting room. You can just feel the angst, it radiates. There was one couple in there today, the woman just looked so sad, so stunned. Her husband/partner was doing the male equivalent to that - playing on his smartphone with a vengeance. I have no idea what what going on with them, but my heart just went out to her. I know that place, that lost corner of the waiting room.

Anyway, now I wait for my bloodwork results. Fingers crossed for good results!

EDITED TO ADD: Yup, crappy e2 yet again. 32 or 33 or something, when they want above 50. So I'm on oral estrace in addition to the patches. Already took my first one tonight, let's hope it does the trick.

Back in the saddle again

It's on!

I have officially injected myself with fancy-pharmacy lupron - twice! And I have sticky goo tummy courtesy of my first estrogen patch! We are moving forward, peoples!

I slept like a rock last night, thank you very much, sweet lovely estrogen. Not a hot flash at all today. Hooray and hallelujah I survived the depot loopyron hell. Fingers and toes crossed for the last time in my life, please please please.

And injecting myself daily - granted with the little baby lupron needles in my well-padded tummy fat, but still- I tell ya, it's like riding a bike. Like I never was away. I do it first thing in the morning, before I get the Critter out of her crib. She was chatting away in there this morning, so I'm drawing up meds as she rambles on the monitor. Such a funny, odd place to be - injecting myself while listening to my daughter. Weird.

I continue with acu, and today I had the Mayan massage, where she spent a lot of time working on my tummy, low back, hips. It was heavenly. Although at one point she was massaging around my c-section scar, and there was like a sharp pain/popping sort of feeling which made me jump. It stopped as soon as it started, and she said it was likely some scar tissue loosening or breaking up. Interesting. And I fell asleep during acu, the electo-stim kind! Yeah, I was relaxed after that massage, only to be woken up by the sound of my own snoring. Ha!

So only a few weeks til the FET. I'm still surprised it is already here. All appendages will stay crossed until well after beta. OMG, a 2ww. Or 9 day wait. Whatever. Gotta toughen up for that.

Last minute scramble

I will preface this post that will include loads of bitching and moaning by saying I do take responsibility for not checking up on this sooner than today. But still...

I begin taking my meds for FET tomorrow. So today I dig out my FET calendar from my nurse, and check the big box of meds I got a few months back. And quickly realize, I have no regular lupron. I took the depot loopyron, but there is no regular stuff in my box o' meds. Shit.

So I call and email my nurse, and while I'm waiting to hear back from her, call a local pharmacy that generally has IF meds in stock. They have one box left. Great. This should work out just fine.

But noooo, the far away clinic can't use any ole loopyron. Oh no. They have to use special fancy only from one pharmacy loopyron. Why? I have no idea. I don't remember this from a few years ago, am I just blocking it out? Maybe.

Anyway, I get on the phone with this other fancy-pants pharmacy and they will send the special lopyron so I get it tomorrow. Fine. Crisis averted.

But good thing I checked today, right? I know me from 2 years ago, the Before The Critter me, would have been on this months or at least weeks ago. New, tired, busy-chasing-a-toddler me? I'm proud of myself for catching it today, rather than tomorrow as I'm ready to inject. Oh well. Yet another tale of the value of being responsible for your own care and your own best advocate. I just wish someone more responsible than me was on it too.

Reading

In my ongoing effort to recreate all aspects of my life leading up to the FET of the Critter 2-ish years ago, I have begun reading again. I used to be an avid reader, Before The Critter (BTC). I never went anywhere without my Kind.le and could easily go through a book in a week. Easy.

But since the Critter's been here, I have not touched my Kind.le once. No, that's not true. I did search high and low for it, found it, dusted it off and recharged it when I took that trip to visit a friend in CA in November. Not that I used it once on that trip, or since, but I did touch it a few times back then.

So again, last week I searched high and low, found it, dusted it off (geez, is my house dusty!) and recharged it. And this time, I read something!!

When the Critter was born, I had just started reading Mel's book "Life From Scratch" which I think had recently come out back then. I got about 25 pages in, and boom! Critter arrives.

I think at the time I thought I'd get back to it in an a month or two. Ha. So, here we are...16 months later. I am finally feeling ready to read again. I have the focus, the attention span, the brain power to put towards things other than caring for the Critter and running our house. And superstitious me wants to be sure to read like I was doing BTC.

I have to say, it feels good. Great, even.

I plowed through her whole book in a few days, and what a treat! A perfect first book back, not too heavy, chick-lit sort of thing, and with cooking to boot. Read it, if you haven't yet.

I'm ready to start book two - and thought I'd ask all you literate interwebbies what you've read and liked lately. And by lately I mean in the last 16 months or so. I might be ready for something more substantial this time around, but am open to all suggestions. A good book is a good book, after all. Leave me a comment, let me know what you've been reading.

Reflections after acu

I went back to acupuncture for the first time in eons today. It was a bit weird going back there, back to a place I hadn't been since Before The Critter (BTC). I remembered it was a nice spring that year, BTC, and being in the parking lot there, enjoying the sun before an appointment. And going to their lovely office, with the nice views of the city, and trying so hard to calm the f*ck down and focus on my uterus.

Back again. It does feel different this time - I still love love love acu, that's for sure. I don't know what it is about those needles, but my body just hums and feels good afterwards.

But its different from BTC, because now, I'm just tired, and find myself just zoning out during the treatment. Or I'm thinking about what I need to do with the Critter this week. I found myself needing to pull my thoughts away from her, not from the stress of wanting her.

Such a different place to be.

I keep trying to do what I did last time, so I get the same great result, like last time, BTC. I wonder if not being as stressed about this will help or hurt me. I mean, I know in my rational head that's silly, it shouldn't matter. But in my superstitious brain, I'm wondering. Should I feel more stressed? Should I try to be more like then, like BTC?

Nah, that's dumb. Enjoy the non-stress now, it will creep in soon, I'm sure.

Trip It frenzy

I have been using this new app on my phone called Trip It. It is very handy for organizing all trip related info, like reservation numbers, flight times, even maps and directions, for travel plans you have. Very handy. I can also see Mr. P's travel info when he travels for work. Easy Peasy to use. Highly recommend to anyone that travels often.

And of course I have an upcoming trip to the far away clinic. Like waaaaay in the future. Eons and eons and light years away.

Trip It reminded me today that in fact my trip to the far away clinic for FET is 36 days away. Thirty six. 3 and 6. 36.

EEEEEEK! How can that be? How???

So I promptly got my ass in gear, and looked at all I need to do between now and then. Get back on the acupuncture program (made my first appointment for next week). Stop being a boozer (honestly, if I've had more than 3 drinks in the last month, I'd be surprised, but still). Stop even the decaf/chocolate stuff (I haven't touched real caffeine since August 2009, for my first ODWU).

What else?? What else am I supposed to do here? I have been in a serious state of denial that this is happening. Sure, I'm a hot flashing crazy mess, but that's what you do for months BEFORE you do the real stuff. Yeah, I'm back on blessed estrogen 2 weeks from today. FET prep starts 2 weeks from today.

This is happening peoples. What else do I need to do to get ready?

Oh yeah. Relax. Sure, right, I'll get right on that.

16 months (and a couple days)

Oh Critter Girl! Mommy forgot to post about your 16th month birthday. I didn't forget the day itself, and did wish you a happy day on the 10th, but still. Mommy's mind is slipping. That's my only excuse.

Anyway, let's see what went on this month!

Sick! Good lordie girl, this was the month of sick. You had ever virus under the sun. One after the other. You were not always your cheerful self, but who could blame you? Fevers, rashes, stuffies - you had it all. I know you need to be exposed to these illnesses, you need to build up immunity so you are not sick all the time hen you start school, but wow. All in a month? Let's space it out more next time, ok?

Baby Signing Time!! OMG, you suddenly LOVE you some BST. I've showed it to you off and on for months with mixed results, but suddenly this month, you are captivated. You had already picked up a few signs from me, and honestly, you speak most of the words you are learning signs for, but you still love love love to watch "Baby". Which you ask for by saying and signing baby. It is so cute. I really think you just like the songs and seeing lots of pictures of kids and babies. We've gotten 4 of the videos, I think #2 might be your favorite. For now.

Climbing up! You've gotten much better at climbing up stairs. At home, at the park. You are much better at this. You still are unsure about this whole down the stairs stuff, and need help and reminding to step down. But up? You got it down pat.

Happy 16th months, sweetest of all Critter Girls! I love you so very truly much.

Plans change, crazy continues

I finally emailed my far away nurse back, the day after my last post. Said it was fine to have Dr. G do the transfer. Kept telling myself it was ok, over and over until I believed it.

Yesterday I got another email from my nurse. Dr. Famous has changed his plans again, and will now be there on my scheduled transfer day! As my nurse said, stay tuned.

Other than that, the DL crazies continue. I was thinking it seems like my hot flashes are less this time - maybe not less frequency, but they feel less intense? - but the crazy is certainly worse. I wonder why that is? No sign of a period, so it is clearly working, but it is strange how the side effects vary.

Anyway...that's about all. I continue to be a raving lunatic for 3-ish more weeks. Oh joy. Never have I wanted sticky patch goo on my tummy more.

Crazy switch

I got an email from my far away nurse today. It turns out that Dr. Famous will not be in the office on the day of my scheduled transfer. Taking a vacation day I guess. She asked me if it would be ok if another doc (Dr. G) did my transfer instead.

Normally, I do not care about these sort of things. I will see anyone in a practice, and understand that is how medical practices work. I even think Dr. G may have done one of my retrievals. So it's not like I don't know him.

But, geez. I'm feeling really weird about it. Superstitious. Like I want to do every last thing the same as last time, for fear it will not turn out the same. Like somehow it will matter who puts my ice baby back inside me.

I haven't responded yet to her. I am scared to say ok. What the hell? What is wrong with me?

(ummm...I'll tell you what is wrong with me - well, one of the things wrong with me - is the damn damn damn evil-as-all-hell depot loopyron. Good lord, since taking that second shot I've become a total nutcase. Mood swings? check. Irritable? you betcha. Overreacting to minor things? oh yeah. Total mess. Poor Mr. P. I even snapped at the Critter. She looked at me like, "What what that all about?" Yeah, not good.)

Am I being crazy about this? How would you, non-crazy-from-faux-menopause peoples, feel?

Second shot

I did my second depot loopyron shot this morning. Good morning, tush! Here's something that will make you hot and sweaty, followed by cold and clammy! Aren't you psyched??

Eh, whatever. It is done, which means I am now on the countdown to estrogen! May 30th can't come soon enough.

I did have a treat yesterday. I was getting ready to go to Mr. P's cousin's kid's communion party. I was stressing, because I don't really have many dress clothes, because really, when do I get dressed up these days? Not too often. So I'm shopping in my closet, and come across these black dress pants that would work, if only they would fit. I try them on - and they do!! Maybe even a little big! How exciting is that? I paired it with a blouse I've haven't worn in years - it also fit! Hooray to the carry-a-22-lb-toddler-everywhere workout plan!

Other than that, things are chugging along over here. Critter was not sick this weekend, which was nice, given she's been sick every weekend since Easter. I'm not really thinking about the FET too much, but every once in a while I'll think one of two things. One: Please please please let it work!!! Two: How in the world am I going to manage pregnancy/newborn with a toddler in the mix? It scares me a bit. But I figure millions upon millions of others have done it before me, and they survived, so I guess it will be ok. Right?

Blog jinx, etc

The blog jinx cursed me again. I really should know better by now.

Wasn't I just saying in the last post the Critter was finally better? Ha! Friday afternoon - bam! Back with the fever and fussies. Thankfully it wasn't the super-high fever of a few weeks back, but still. It was enough to make the weekend totally shot. Poor Critter, 3 weeks in a row with sick.

I took her to the doc yesterday, and of course she doesn't have a fever when we are there. And of course it comes back 2 hours after the appointment. They are again chalking it up to yet another virus (Hand, Foot and Mouth virus - sounds lovely, no?). There is also the question of if she has an infection, like a UTI. We are sort of waiting to see how the next few days play out to know for sure. If virus, then the fever should go away, and she may get yet another rash. If the fever persists, then back to the doc Wednesday for the dreaded UTI catheter. Please please please let's get a rash.

With her being sick, the nap schedule thing has been iffy. Over the weekend, 2 naps. Yesterday, just one. Who knows what today will hold. Thanks to all the chimed in on nap schedules. I'd love to be able to get her to 11 am to go down. Right now, if she is having a one nap day, she is still ready for sleep by 9:30. Waaaay too early. But if we can get to 11, that will work. Maybe when she is healthy again for more than 3 days in a row we can get there.

As for me, I'm just hot flashing along. I feel like I've gained at least 5 lbs since taking the evil DL. As if the stuff could get any worse, it makes you fat too. Great. I take my second shot Monday. Joy.

And does anyone else that uses Blogger hate the new interface? Maybe it is just my hatred of technology change - just when I get used to something techy, it gets "updated" and I hate using it. Is that just me? But it never seems to work as well as the old version, I swear.

Any whyyyyy - why is Blogger not letting me have paragraphs???? Am I missing something here?? I'm putting in returns. ARGH!!

OK - edited to add - so they want to to specify in the "Options" section that hitting return means I want a line break? Really? That is not the default? REALLY Blogger? ARGH!

Randoms

The Critter seems to be better from her number illnesses of the last few weeks. She has a little rash left on her face, but it is much much better than it was. She doesn't seem bothered by it, so whew. I think we all survived. Of note this week on the Critter front is I think she is dropping her second nap. I wish she would have dropped her morning nap instead (wouldn't that make more sense??) but it is what it is. I purposely kept her up yesterday in the afternoon, and she did great. She didn't get overly fussy, and she went down so well for nighttime sleep, and slept like a rock all night. I'm not sure if every day will go as smoothly, but she seems ready to lose two naps. After we are sure this is happening, I will start trying to push her morning nap later and later. That might be the hard part, she is really ready to take her morning nap. Any suggestions, from ye olde wise interwebbies? On the me front, I am fully under the evil depot loopyron's spell. My never-ending period and her little dog Spot seem to finally have left. Gosh, I went through more panty liners than I could have ever thought. But now its just hot flashes. Lots of hot flashes. Started getting the in-the-daytime ones this week. I take the second shot in 10 days, and that will just make it all worse. Joy. I also got the results from my thyroid u/s back, and while there are no nodules, my thyroid is enlarged and hypervascular. So yeah, I got thyroid issues. I've been taking the synthroid for a little over a week, I don't notice much change from it. Ok gotta run. Critter is up. Have a good weekend!! WTF BLogger??? why is this looking like one long run-on paragraph?? Ugh. Sorry for that, I can't seem to change it.

Fifth and Sixth

The Critter is on a roll! She is rolling through the diseases of early childhood like she is getting paid for it.

Last week when she was sick, it turns out she had roseola, also known as sixth disease. As we all know, that was no fun at all, with high fever and then rash.

Well this week, she is going backwards, and now has fifth's disease. Another totally common childhood illness, but she looks like the scary clown with her bright red cheeks. How about apple-cheeked? That sounds better than scary clown.

She developed the rash yesterday. She hasn't seemed too itchy, and hasn't developed a fever either, so that is good. I've read about fifth's disease mostly as one of those scary things that can lead to miscarriage for pregnant women who have never been exposed to it. Given that neither Mr. P or I have gotten sick with either of these viruses, I think we are both immune. Whew.

Fun does not stop around here!! Let's just hope she does not continue down the list of illness and end up with Scarlet fever or measles, m'kay? Mama doesn't need that.

Lab results

I got my endo lab results back, and everything is just as expected. My TSH is still "elevated" at 3.65. Which if I weren't trying to get pregnant wouldn't even be considered elevated. But whatever, I'll take another pill. Everything else looked normal, like T3, T4. My iron stores were a touch low, but I've only been on the prenatal again for a week, so hopefully they will come up soon.

The thyroid u/s was quick too, but I have to say, strange. Strange in that I've had how many u/s in my life so far? 100s? But never on my throat. And I realized that while I'm very good at reading my lower abdomen u/s (I can count follies like a pro!) I had no idea what I was looking at on this one. So I just sat back and let him spread goo around my neck. I should get those results early next week.

Things are calming down around here, Critter-wise. She is pretty much back to normal, except for regressing back to waking once during the night for a diaper change/cuddle/sip of water. Hopefully she'll get back to being her good sleeper self soon.

We are doing the postponed Easter thing with my in-laws today. I imagine lots of candy in my future.

Have a good weekend, all!

Busy crazy week

It has been a crazy crazy week around here.

Mostly revolving around illness - the Critter's been very sick. Like 3 calls to the on-call doc on a holiday weekend, 105.5 fever and a trip to the ER, nasty rash and super-duper fussy/clingy kind of sick. Needless to say, Easter was cancelled in our world this year. She is finally, just today, acting more like herself. Slept better last night. Still has a cough, but rash/fever is all gone, and cranky almost so. Whew. And yawn.

I also finally had my appointment with the endocrinologist. Who was such a nice, funny guy. We spent an hour talking, getting my history, discussing all sorts of RE stuff, geeking out on some medical research stuff he told me about. I will get all my blood results back tomorrow, but he put me on synthroid, which I began this AM. I go back in 6 weeks for monitoring. He did feel a little bump on my thyroid, so I am getting an ultrasound on my thyroid tomorrow. I'm not too concerned about it at this point, fingers crossed its nothing.

I was in the shower that morning, and was shaving my legs. Which, to be totally honest, doesn't happen much these days. But I was thinking I was going to the doctor, so I better shave my legs. Halfway through the second leg I realized - I don't need to shave my legs for this appointment. I'm not dropping trou for this appointment. How strange is that?? I haven't been to a doctor in YEARS that I didn't drop my pants for. These IF scars, they show up in the funniest of places.

And hot flashes! They're baaaaack! Yup, less than 2 weeks in to the depot loopyron, and I'm already having the damn hot flashes. They aren't too frequent...yet. And to add insult to hot injury, I've basically had my period for the last 2 weeks. I had my normal period, and took the DL shot on CD3. I tapered to spotting, but then CD8, full-on period again. Which is a totally normal side effect of the DL, but damn! I am single-handedly keeping Kotex and Tampax in business.

Anyway, a busy week. I'm ready for life to calm down again.

15 months

Happy 15 months, my dear Critter Girl! You are officially a toddler now, there is no more crawling anywhere for you. It is so strange to look back, only a few months ago, and see you crawling around. So let's see what's gone on this month...

The Park! In addition to this being a new word for you (along with car, meaning your little toy car you ride in), the park is your favorite place. You often wake from a nap and ask, "Park?" when you see me. Yes, baby, we can go to the park. It has been a lovely, warm month, so we've been able to go to the park often. You get so excited when we arrive and you see the other kids, you visibly shake and clench your fist in happiness. You like to ride the swings, go down the slide, walk under the jungle gyms, and generally try to be a big kid. Oh, and the sticks! You find a stick and examine it closely, then carry it around with you like it is your most prized possession. Until you find a new and better stick, and discard the old one like it never even existed. Mama still won't let you anywhere near the sandbox, given your orally fixated tendencies.

Your hair! You have been a pretty bald baby for your life so far. You've always had thin, light hair, it was nothing to write home about. You always had that baby look to you because of your hair. But now your hair has gotten longer, and a little darker, so you look more like a kid, less like a baby. Granted it is still not long enough to get cut, but you definitely have hair now. Real kid hair.

I have to say, it has been a slower month for you - not a whole lot new. You keep adding new words, you are a master walker now (no drunken sailor walking for you anymore!) and you continue to delight me every day. But you develop in spurts, and this was a slow month. This month was all about being a walker, and enjoying the independence of walking.

Happy 15 months, sweet Critter Girl!