I love Jane!

This post has nothing to do with IF. Thank God.

I just had to say, I love me some Jane Austen.

I began reading her books just recently, around the time of the summer hormone holiday. Somehow I missed reading her in school, or as a teenager. But I'm catching up fast. So far, I'm through Pride-n-Predjudice, Sense-n-Sensibility, Emma, and have about 50 pages left in Mansfield Park. Northanger Abbey is next.

But best of all, I just finished watching the BBC miniseries of P&P. Ooooh boy, how good is that? Colin Firth has made a career out of being the perfect Mr. Darcy, and I love him for it.

Nothing lifts my spirits and keeps me distracted like some good ole romance/scandal/drama like Miss Austen dishes up. Thank you Jane!

The calm after the storm

For all of you that had to skip the last posts due my coarse language, welcome back. Things will be much more civilized moving forward. For today, at least.

Thank you yoga, meditation and deep breathing. You have helped calm my psycho tush down. And thank you to Mr. P for being angry right along with me, and then finding the silver lining in it all.

So we are not cycling again til January. And as Mr. P pointed out, this could very well be a blessing in disguise. One, no chance of being in a far away hotel over Thanksgiving. Now we can host Mr. P's family at our house for Turkey Day, which is very fun for me to plan and do. Two, a little more of a hormone holiday for me. Good idea for the actual holiday season. I can partake in a little libation and cheer. Three, we will have our genetic testing back before cycling again. We'll have a better idea of what we're up against, good or bad. Four, I might be able to go with Mr. P on his business trip out of the country, to a place I've always wanted to go - London. We'll see if the trip comes to be, but for now, it's nice to dream about.

I am calm again, and feeling more positive about it. I'm still not at all happy with the way it all went down, and the far away clinic has shown me several of its flaws. But this is IF, and we don't get to choose and control, and I need to be ok with that. Like I said before, yoga continues to remind me to live in the now, not in the future or past. And it reminds me to breathe, which is also helpful.

SWEARING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!

Again, for the sensitive or proper types, do not read this post. I promise to play nice soon.


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCK!


POAS today, and lo and behold - positive. Yay, right? Eh, not so fucking much.

I email my nurse and happily tell her the good news. Mind you, yesterday when I asked if I should even bother continuing to do the OPKs, she said keep testing and let me know. So I do.

Not more than 5 minutes after I hit send, she calls me. Wow, that was fast. Well apparently crappy news travels very fast around there (as opposed to useless news, which takes 3 weeks to schedule). Yup, she tells me that even though I could cycle based on my timing, they have no spots available for me on the surgery/lab schedule. Well, they do have some spots open, but they are being held by other departments, like donor egg and other clinics. And they won't play nice and share.

Fuck-a-doodle-do.

So now the soonest I could do a cycle would be starting in December, with an ER in mid-January. Not so far off, you say? Well, DH may be out of the country for several weeks in January. Because he has pushed back all this work stuff thinking January would be a safe month, what with me having to do Depot Lupron for 2 months. Before beginning prep for FET.

ARGH.

Add swear word here

So as not to offend any sensitive eyes, if you don't want to see me lose my shit, skip the next bit.


WHATTHEFUCKINGFUCK????? ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ahh, that felt better. I contacted the nurse today, asking for my cycle calendar that was held ransom by the phone call I had yesterday. I mentioned in my email to her that I wanted to iron out Thanksgiving plans with family.

She called me quickly and said, "The new protocol that Dr. Famous chose for you will not work for this next cycle, given our lab closure in mid December."

WHATTHEFUCK????? I asked him that yesterday and got "Oh no, that should be no problem, you'll be done before that."

ARGHHHHHHH!

But wait, all may not be lost, she says. Where am I in my cycle now? Maybe we can start this long-ass cycle now, as in today, and get you in. Along with some bribery of the lab, because they are also fully booked. So the nurse counts what day I am in my current cycle, today is CD 13. She needs to know my LH surge to tell me when to start meds.

So I run upstairs to my stockpile of OPK (donated to me from my older friend that got pregnant immediately and no longer needs them!) and POAS.

Wait.

Negative. Shit.

Go and find my records from when I cared when I ovulated (and this is depressing, it began in December 07) and see that only twice in a year did I have a positive OPK on CD12. All the other times were CD13,14,15.

So I may still be in the running. Otherwise, it's January for me.

GODDAMMIT! ARGHHHHHH!

Whew, times two

I am feeling relieved. I had both my local fibroid consult appointment, as well as the phone regroup with Dr. Famous. Why is it that all of these eventful things happen together? Why does the universe not spread out the excitement? Why clumps of action, followed by long stretches of waiting? Sigh....anyway....

First, the fibroid. I went to an new OB/GYN practice. I've never been attached to my old GYN, and as I described before, the practice was waaaay crowded and big. So I've been shopping for an new GYN anyway, and this new practice was recommended by an old co-worker. Long-winded story short, I loved this practice. Loved the professionalism of the receptionist - and all of you IF vets know how rare it is to find good receptionists/support staff. Loved the tech who did my u/s (and they had my favorite thing - the screen on the wall so the patient can see without craning necks) who was thorough and talked to me like I had a brain. And best of all, loved the doctor. She was honest, frank, straight-forward, explained everything to me until I completely understood. I loved her. So yay! If I can ever get pregnant, I've found my OB.

But that's getting ahead of myself. We must deal with the fibroid first. After taking lots of measurements, she said is was still fairly small (1.2cm x 1.2cm x 1.0 cm) and just barely protruding into the very lowest part of my uterus. Just under the endometrial lining. She said she was more concerned about scarring from removal than from the fibroid interrupting implantation. So she did not recommend removal.

Great! I was leaning this way anyway, so it confirmed what I had suspected. But doing IVF cycles can make it grow more (them fibroids love estrogen!), so we will have to keep an eye on it as we go forward.

And the phone call with Dr. Famous. Another long-winded story short, it went well. Yes, I am allowed to cycle again. Yes, my eggs are turning crappy, but aren't fully crap yet. So we are going to try a new protocol and I will cycle again in November. 4th time is the charm? I sure hope so.

Honestly, I'm not sure why we had to have that call with Dr. Famous. I guess this is their effort at being touchy-feely or connected to the patient. But I didn't really get anything new from it, and would have rather known all this a week ago. But whatever.

Sunny disposition?

Not much going on - still waiting around. No genetics results, the phone call with Dr. Famous is not til Wednesday, as is my fibroid appointment with a local doc. So I'm in an IF holding pattern. Again.

I had a child-filled weekend. I babysat for my niece on Friday, and took her to her park district "class". Which is just playtime for toddlers. It was actually really fun, and I only had very mild pangs of jealousy/sadness/longing. We played with toys, pretending to eat fake food and with a hide-and-seek Sessy Street toy. Then an "art project" and song time. It was very cute to see my niece interact with other kids and watch and imitate the teacher. That little girl really does melt my heart.

And we went to dinner with a couple that we've known a long time. In fact, they conceived their first child after a party we threw, whoopsie! She is now very pregnant now with their second child. I stared a little too long at her belly a few times. She is one of those very cute pregnant women, all belly, no fat or swelling. Sigh, she looked so cute, all I could think was I want to be pregnant. I want to feel full after eating only half my dinner because the baby is so big in my belly.

But I was surprised during all this that I didn't feel bitter. This is a new sensation for me - I was the person a few months back that got a kick out of thinking "I hate you" every time I saw a pregnant belly. But I'm not feeling that way these days.

Is this progress? Have I just been knocked down enough that I can't feel the pain anymore? Or is this just a temporary reprieve?

Who knows. But I'll take it.

Flexing my waiting muscles

I think Mr. P and I are agreed on doing a new cycle for November. So while I was waiting to have my regroup phone call with Dr. Famous, I called the nurse to ask for a new cycle calendar. I was hoping to get an estimate of this cycle so we can figure out Thanksgiving plans. She said, "No problem, I'll get the word from Dr. F and let you know Monday."

Great.

No word on Monday, so I send an email reminding her about the calendar. I get an email back saying she'd speak with Dr. Famous today, and get me a calendar by the afternoon.

Great.

The phone rings mid-afternoon, and lo and behold, it is my nurse. What, is she going to tell me my calendar? No, I'm not that lucky, I should know better by now. The nurse says, "I spoke with
Dr. Famous and he would not give you a calendar until he speaks with you. I told him you had a call scheduled, but were hoping to get some dates, but he said he needed to talk to you first."

Uh-oh.

I asked her if this meant bad news, and she sort of laughed and said no, she didn't think so. I asked does this mean things may change, and she said she didn't know and was eager to get off the phone. I have a feeling she knew more than she was able to let on, but wasn't supposed to talk to me about it. That was for Dr. Famous to do. Next week.

So a new type of waiting. In addition to the waiting I'm doing already (have a child, get genetic test results back, frozen transfer, fibroid surgery, etc) I can now add this. Waiting to hear if you are allowed to cycle again. Fun!

I'm trying hard not to catastrophize, and I do want to talk to Dr. Famous about how I felt they cycle went, which in my mind was only so-so. But I'm scared. All the "what ifs" creep into my head. I'm scared to hear my eggs are crap. I'm not ready to hear that yet. I'm scared to hear he thinks this won't work for me.

But I have to wait to hear what he thinks. And think the worst until then.

An award!

Thanks so much to Low Fat Lady for this award. She thought of me when I was hitting the bumpy road, and I greatly appreciate it. I am a bit late in turning this around, but hey, better late than never.









Here's the deal:

Rules

1. You Can Only Use One Word! (yeah, that's not gonna happen, but I'll try my best!)

2. Pass this along to 6 of your favorite bloggers

3. Alert them that you have given them this award!

4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part

1. Where is your cell phone? next-to-me

2. Your hair? Brown

3. Your mother? well-meaning

4. Your father? narcissistic

5. Your favorite food? tacos

6. Your dream last night? None

7. Your favorite drink? La Croix orange

8. Your dream/goal? Motherhood

9. What room are you in? Living

10. Your hobby? Cooking

11. Your fear? Heights

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? stay-at-home mom

13. Where were you last night? Brother's house

14. Something that you aren’t? Vain

15. Muffins? carrot

16. Wish list item? new purse

17. Where did you grow up? East Coast

18. Last thing you did? Dropped mom at airport

19. What are you wearing? Sweats

20. Your TV? On and big

21. Your pets? Fluffy kitty cat

22. Friends? loyal

23. Your life? good

24. Your mood? melancholy

25. Missing someone? no

26. Vehicle? civic

27. Something you’re not wearing? gloves

28. Your favorite store? gap body

29. Your favorite color? orange

30. When was the last time you laughed? yesterday

31. Last time you cried? yesterday

32. Your best friend? Mr. P

33. One place that I go to over and over? whole paycheck (foods)

34. One person who emails me regularly? Mr. P

35. Favorite place to eat? chipotle

I nominate the following blogs for this award:

Adding to the Pack

The Pitter-Patter

Last Chance IVF

Ambivalent Womb

Mis-Adventures of a Modern Day Farmer's Wife

Iamstacey

Have fun ladies!

I'm still here

Still here. Still putting one foot in front of the other.

My mom's in town this weekend. I've been hanging out over at my brother's house a lot, seeing my niece. Always bittersweet. And my sister-in-law, who will be 41 in March, is pregnant after her latest IVF. She has always gotten pregnant after every IVF she's done. But, none has resulted in a live birth. (My niece was a miracle natural baby after an IVF miscarriage) But I think she has the full belief that IVF will work. I wish I still had that feeling.

We've inquired about getting on the schedule at the far away clinic for a new freeze-all cycle in November/December. I'm thinking at this point, I might as well cycle while I'm as young as I'm gonna get. My uterus will be there, but I should stockpile embies while I can. So I should get a new calendar Monday. I'll be curious to see if I stay on the same protocol.

And my Auntie arrived yesterday, pissed off as usual. I think the fibroid is making my periods more uncomfortable, and more chunky monkey. Blech.

That's it. Hanging in there, trying to be future-focused. Trying to keep a bit of hope in what appears to me most of the time to be hopeless.

The aftermath

After all the bad news Monday, we did get a glimmer of good news Tuesday. The frozen blast from our local clinic IVF #2 was thawed successfully and re-expanded well. Chilly Willy (as he's known in our house) was biopsied and vitrified. He is the same grade as the new blast (Day 6 BB). So we now have doubled our chances with 2 blasts that will be sent for mircoarray genetic testing.

For those of you that have commented about transfer - because of the missing beta-3 integrin issue in my lining, I will never do a fresh transfer. And one of the main reasons we chose the far away clinic was to be able to do full 46 chromosome genetic testing. Results take 6 weeks to get back. And with my fibroid removal and the integrin treatment, transfer won't be until at least February.

I'm trying very hard to keep busy. I'm going to the gym each day, even if I don't want to. I feel better afterward, so I force myself. I'm also cooking again, and have made some yummy homemade mac-n-cheese, pork chops with spiced apples, and the uber-comforting to me homemade turkey taco dinner. And lots and lots of cuddles with my sweet fur-baby Umps. She really missed me while I was away, and has been extra-sweet to me. In fact, she is on my lap right now. Good kitty!

So after all the disappointment of the last week, we are picking ourselves up. Tears find me here and there, but it's getting better. We've scheduled a regroup phone call with Dr. Famous in a few weeks. I've also scheduled an appointment with a local ob/gyn about the fibroid removal. If I can do this locally, it would save us a bunch of cash and drama. We're debating doing another freeze-all cycle (and potentially our last, at least last with insurance). If we decide to do this, I'd like to do it sooner than later, with my 36-year old eggs. They can stay frozen as I age, but I better harvest them while the time is right. But we want to hear what the doc says, his thoughts on this last cycle, and what we'd do different.

One foot in front of the other. Keeping going.

Crash & burn

Bad news today.

Of the 6 that were still kicking Friday, 2 made it to blast. But only one of those is viable, the other being Day 6 CC-. So they are biopsying the one Day 6 BB blast for genetic testing, and thaw the frozen blast from our last cycle (IVF #2) tomorrow. If it survives the thaw (about 75% do, but I seem to be on the wrong side of the odds these days, so I'm not thinking it's a sure thing), we'll have 2 to send for genetic testing.

I'm really upset. Tears streaming down my face as I type this.

I'm really starting to think I may never have children. And that sucks.

Day 3 update

Just a quick update from the lab on Day 3.

For the 4 on-time embies, they all look great. 2 are 8-celled, 2 are 10-celled. All graded at 4 (least amount of fragmentation). My reaction: YAY!

For the remedial 3: 2 are dividing, and look "ok". They don't really grade them at this point, as they are only Day 2 embies. 1 was not doing as well and would likely arrest. My reaction: Meh.

So 4 winning the race, but really 6 still in the running. My reaction: not too shabby.

Next update on Monday. The big one. My reaction: Eeek!

Roller coasters make me nauseous

I'm home! Slept in my own bed last night, and all I can say is "Thank the Lord for Tempur-pedic."

But it has been a bumpy ride since the last post, and the IF roller coaster is knocking me around quite a bit. After getting a very happy report of 12 eggs retrieved, we were feeling confident. Silly, silly us.

As we were driving out of Colorado, we got the call from the lab. Of course, we have terrible cell reception. So cutting in and out, I hear, "So we have the 4."

What? What happened to 12? How did we get from 12 to 4???

After the call dropped, and the lab called back (and I was freaking out in the car), we found out horrible news. Of the 12 eggs, only 6 were mature. And of those 6, only 4 fertilized. This is the worst cycle we've ever had. Oh my God. Oh my fucking God. The lab lady did say that they had a few immature eggs that were maturing in the lab (one of the fancy parts of this lab, the old clinic did not have this ability). They would try to ICSI these today, and the lab would call us tomorrow with these fert rates.

I spun into a very bad place. I began thinking about all my worst nightmares that now seemed would come true. It was not a fun car ride. Oh, and happy anniversary, Mr. P. Whoopie.

On Thursday, while driving through endless cornfields, we got the second call from the lab. Of the 6 immature eggs, 3 matured in the lab. And all 3 fertilized.

I began to breathe again.

So that means we have 7 embies right now. I'm expecting another call today, Day 3 report for the initial 4 and just an update on my slow but steady 3. I have my seatbelt on, and am feeling sick from all of these ups and downs. I never really liked roller coasters. I was always more of the "Its a Small World" kind of girl.

Blech.