20 weeks

Can you believe it? Time passes, as usual, and I'm still amazed by it. You think I'd get used to it by now, but each week, I'm like, "WOW! I made it another week!" Pinch me, I made it half-way!

A first this weekend - I was asked by a stranger (the cashier at the grocery store) when I was due. So I must be beyond the beer-gut phase, and into the oh-no-she's-not-fat-she's-pregnant phase. Which is a nicer place to be. Granted, I was wearing a tighter, non-maternity shirt, so my belly was more prominent, but still. Not mistaken for fat, no, it's a baby in there. That's good.

Critter is still moving around in there, but at more random times. It seemed like last week we were getting on a routine, but now it seems more random. Who knows, but as long as I keep feeling movement, it is ok by me.

And I am beside myself with anticipation for tomorrow's Level II u/s. I CANNOT WAIT!! I think the waiting gets harder as it gets closer, I can't tell myself now to calm down because I still have 2 more weeks. It's TOMORROW! It is like I've been jonesing for some u/s love. My u/s addiction needs to be fed!

I'm sort of nervous too, nervous they will see something bad. That happened to my SIL, ugh, and it scares me. But I'm trying to stay positive, trying real hard. Belly is big, so it means the critter's growing, right? And he's kicking a lot, so he must be ok, right? Damn, I hope so.

And we'll find out if my maternal intuition is correct - if the critter is indeed a boy. We'll know tomorrow. TOMORROW! Ack! So soon, so far!!!

Breathe, Pie, breathe. Whew, ok. Tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

OB visit was fine

Had my 15 minute OB visit today - pretty uneventful, as predicted. Blood pressure is fine, weight gain is fine (although it startled the hell out of me to see that high number!), heartbeat is fine (150), tummy growth is fine.

I really like fine. I hope we stay with fine forever and ever.

Let's at least keep fine going through Tuesday, with the big Level II.

Who am I now?

I'm having trouble finding a space for myself. Here, on the interwebs, I mean.

I know I have some readers who know me from IVFC (or whatever it is called these days) and I loves you guys! So much support, wisdom, and love you've given me over the last year or so. But lately, I have been quiet, lurking more on the boards these days. I guess I don't feel I have much to add, and I know that many on the board are still struggling to get to their goals. And I often feel strange about talking pregnancy stuff on an IVF board.

And there are so many people to keep up with, if I miss even a day, I feel hopelessly behind, and have trouble keeping up. So I lurk around here and there, keep tabs on the girls I've "known" for a while. And read their blogs (those that have them) religiously.

So I went looking for other places. I went to a few pregnancy boards, and whoa! I do NOT fit in there. It is like another world, those fertiles live in. And while they are at the same place with me in my pregnancy, I feel like we are worlds away from each other. It is strange.

So I stay here, in my own little corner of the bloggy world. It is like those pregnancy books I read, I somehow feel like I don't quite fit in with those books. I feel like I don't quite fit in with my long-supportive online IF world anymore. I feel like I'm not a "normal" pregnant lady, but I'm not the hard-core IFer I once was either.

I dunno, I guess it is hard to explain. Just something that has been on my mind lately, and writing it down to try to make sense of it.

19 weeks (!)

Wow, 19 weeks. It sounds so unreal. The highest of all the teens. And I made it! Wow.

Everything is cruising along here. The critter is still fluttering and thunking, although when I tried to get Mr. P to feel him move, the critter instantly stops all movement. So I'll have my hand on my tummy, and feel the critter move, and then switch my hand with Mr. P's hand, and the critter will stop. Tricky little critter. We'll catch him at some point, but not a good sign that the critter is already outsmarting us, in utero.

I continue to feel pretty good, but I'm still tired, or at least have low stamina. Or maybe I'm just scared to push things, so I tend to take it easy when I can. Other than that, odd body changes include really really really dark nipples (seriously, it is so odd to see them and know they are the same ones I've looked at for the last 37 years), gas coming out of all orifices, hurting hips and sometimes leg cramps at night, nails growing fast. And of course, the belly.

I love my belly. I can't wait for it to get bigger. I'm in constant amazement that it is bigger, that it will get bigger still, and that it belongs to me. Well, me and the critter. And I'm one of those people, I touch my belly all the time. I just love it. I think it is my favorite part of being pregnant so far, this belly. Well, that and feeling the critter thunking away.

That's about it. OB appointment (where I'm not really sure what happens, not much I think) is Friday, and the Level II u/s (where EVERYTHING happens!) is a week from tomorrow. Let's hope time passes quickly!

Have a good week, all.

Thunking

The past few days I've been feeling thunking. Uterine thunking.

I am almost certain this is the critter. While there are still ambiguous flutters (Is that gas? Am I about to embarrass myself again by farting?), these thunks are much more clear. And they make me smile every time.

The thunking is also waaaay reassuring. Now, I know things can still go horribly wrong at any point. But it is also nice to know that the critter is at least healthy enough at this point to give me a whack here and there.

I will say though, that I'm oddly surprised at how low the thunking is. I think in my delusional thinking about what being pregnant would be like, I just imagined everything being higher in my belly. But really, that does not make any sense, now that I think about (and feel) it. My uterus is expanding, but it is still below (or just at) my belly button. Which means, I feel thunking down there, between my belly button and lady-parts hair line. Logical, right? Yeah, but for some odd reason, this surprised me. I guess I'd been stuffing the pillow under my shirt up too high! hahaha

I have an OB appointment a week from tomorrow, and we are 12 days out from the big u/s. It feels like it will never get here!

did you just hear something?

Boy, things are boring around here. Snooze-ville. Thank your chosen deity for that.

Nothing much new to report on the critter front. I think I still feel movement, but it is not regular, and I'm still sort of doubting if it is the critter or gas. Because I am one seriously gassy girl. Trust me, be glad you are reading this from a distance and not sitting next to me. I've always been on the gassy side - mild IBS will do that to you - but things are getting much, ahem, noisier around here. On both ends.

And I'll leave you with that image. You're welcome.

a Dream and a Prediction

Ok, you all are still there. Whew! And kudos to you lurkers who came out to say hi to me. I love, love, love to hear from lurkers! I began as a lurker (didn't we all??) and it was a big step to begin commenting regularly. So keep it up, and you will be a lurker no more!

I had my first legit baby dream last night. I tend to have more bizarre, nonsensical, less reality-based dreams, so this is a change for me. Not that is was totally reality-based, but its as close as I get.

It began with me at my OB's office (although it didn't look like her office, ya know how that happens in dreams?) Anyway, I was there for my big u/s, and was nervous. I was talking to the nurse, and she was asking me all these odd health questions, which had nothing to do with being pregnant. She was annoying me, and I was relieved when the doctor finally came in.

She asked me to stand up, and I did. She lifted up my shirt, and squirted the gel all over my belly. She then gave me a pencil, and told me to put the eraser end under my chin, because the u/s may hurt a bit. (Yeah, who knows what that pencil part was about - how does a eraser under your chin ward off pain?? And u/s don't hurt! Odd.) Anyway, we did the u/s with me standing up, squatting slightly. With a pencil under my chin. Odd again.

The u/s itself was the clearest picture I've ever seen, like a professional digital camera image. First of a little fetus, then it morphed into an infant, and HE waved at me. Then he changed into a toddler, smiling at me. Then he had a younger BROTHER next to him. It was like "This is your child's life" in ultrasound. Wouldn't it be nice if that is what u/s actually did?

We took lots of pictures to show Mr. P - where was he? He has not missed an appointment yet! - and that was it. What a great dream!

So I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here on the blog, but I've been pretty much convinced the critter is a boy. So clearly this dream confirms I am in total certainty it's a boy. We will find out for sure (if the critter cooperates, that is) in less than 3 weeks. So I'm putting my prediction of a boy out there to the universe.

Time will tell. And geez, do I hope they have that same u/s machine at the big appointment!

17 weeks

Things continue to chug along here.

Big news is I may or may not have felt movement over the last few days. Not often, but sometimes. I've definitely felt something, something I've not felt before, but I'm not totally convinced it was the critter. I hope so though, because it would be very reassuring if it were. It feels sort of like wiggly jello, or something moving flutteringly (so not a word, but you understand me) through jello. If that makes any sense at all. I hope it keeps up and gets stronger, so I don't have to question it.

I'm also 2 weeks post-OB visit, and am holding the crazies at bay. For now. The distraction of is it/isn't it movement has kept me busy. I am still really looking forward to that Level II though. 3 weeks from tomorrow. Not that I'm counting or anything.

I spent some time with my niece this weekend. It had been a couple months since I'd seen her, and wow! She is really becoming a little chatty person. Her 3rd birthday is next month! Hard to believe. And she told me she loves to listen to Neko Case. At almost-3! Such a little alterna-girl, after my own heart.

That's it. Life is still uneventful here, and that is a very very good thing.

BTW, Google Analytics tells me you are still reading, or at least stopping by to check on me, but I've gotten very few comments of late. So if you read this far, take 20 seconds to just say hi, let me know you are still there. Tell me a joke or a funny. Tell me your favorite summer snack (mine of late: nectarines). Everybody loves a comment, even a for-now uneventful, always-slightly-paranoid pregnant lady.

Wait, what??

I suspect others are making plans around me.

My mom (who is just as superstitious as me, if not more so) mentions to me on the phone yesterday, in passing, that she has talked to my brother about coming to stay in January.

What? What was that, Mom?

Yeah, she's thought about coming to stay in my city for a few weeks, maybe a month around when the baby is due. Our townhouse is too small for her to stay with us, so my brother offered to have her stay with them. And she also thought about doing a temporary month lease on a condo in the area.

Wait, what?

Why were my ears not burning when this was discussed? Isn't it too soon to make any plans? Too soon to begin thinking like this?

Apparently not, at least for other people. For me, on the other hand, yeah, that totally freaked me out.

Out and scared

This weekend marked 16 weeks. It sounds like really far in some ways to my ears, but it feels like not far at all. Will the fear ever disappear?

We attended a 40th birthday party for a friend this weekend, and saw the "extended family" group of friends. Ya know, the ones that have moved to the 'burbs, and we don't see on a regular basis. So anyway, while I'm not really showing yet (I'm still in the have-you-seen-how-much-weight-Pie-has-gained phase), I was drinking only water. (Although funny side note, the girl that walked down the aisle at 20+ weeks while denying she was pregnant, said "Oh wow, you are beginning to show!" and I smiled, cupped my belly and said, "Yeah, 16 weeks!" hahaha)

And Mr. P, who is so happy about all of this, told a few of our friends we had not seen recently. So it was big news at this party that I was pregnant. I guess I am officially out.

You'd think this would be happy. You'd think this would be exactly what I've been waiting for. Any in a small part of me, it is. I am more than overjoyed and grateful to be at this point.

But, honestly, I do not feel like I am even close to being out of the woods. The fear is still very real. And all the doppler scans in the world won't change that. It is fear of the future, not fear of the right now. Although right now is dicey too, I guess.

I've personally known of someone who, after doing amnio (so genetic testing) went in for her 20 week u/s, only to discover that the baby had a rare genetic mutation that was not compatible with life. Not something that would show on chromosomal analysis. Devastating, to say the least.

So now everyone knows I'm pregnant, and I'm still scared of the worst. As if, now that we're out, we're jinxing something. Tempting fate. When talking to one friend, a mother of two and a pediatrician to boot, she asked about when I'd have a shower. I can't even go there at this point, and said so. I said I was too superstitious to even think about baby stuff, or showers, or any of that. It is too soon. She asked when I would feel comfortable. After the 20 week u/s? Maybe... After the viability threshold (24 weeks)? Yeah, maybe...

And it sort of hit me. Will I ever feel comfortable? Will I ever think this may actually work out? Geez, I hope so, because this doubt/fear crap is tiring.