The talk

So we talked last night, one of many talks I think.

Suffice to say, Mr. P was taken very much by surprise by me saying I wanted to cycle and try again. He was really not ready to hear that from me. And it totally overwhelmed him. He couldn't understand, after all of our failures, from trying on our own, to the failed IUIs to the failed IVFs locally, to the 2 recent failed FETs - he couldn't understand how trying again would be any different. He said he sees the Critter as an anomaly, as a miracle, and he can't understand how I don't see that. He can't understand how I still ask "what if" and how I still have hope to try again. He doesn't have that hope, and as he said, he's exhausted from it all. He's exhausted from the cycle of hope and failure, over and over again.

He also feels we have put our life on hold, for over 5 years, in our attempts to build our family. He feels his career has suffered in some ways, because he has chosen the safe route, staying put with the steady paycheck and health insurance, instead of taking some risks and potentially furthering his career. He is ready to move on with life as our family of three, and begin to plan for that future, not for the future with more uncertainty of IF treatments.

While we might be able to afford another round, it would be a big stretch and definitely a burden on us. I do have a call in to our insurance to even see if we are covered for another retrieval - the jury is out on that for now. If it isn't covered, then that is certainly all she wrote. We couldn't do it all out-of-pocket.

Mr. P didn't say no outright, and agreed to think more about it. But in hearing him talk, and hearing how my rock, my stable guy, my steadying presence - hearing him talk about how infertility has worn him down, how it has hurt him - well it made me pause. Pause big time. Am I really willing to put us down this road again? Am I really willing to put him through the turmoil, for odds that are against us? I don't know. It certainly doesn't seem as appealing as it did before we talked.

So that's where we are today. We agreed to talk again after gathering more information (like insurance and timelines for cycling) and after we both had a chance to mull it over more. I think even if we did decide to cycle again, it wouldn't be until the spring. And that makes me pause too. I'll be 40 then. Yikes. Is it really worth it to try and cycle again at 40, hoping to have a child when I'm potentially 41 or 42? And Mr. P even older? That scares me a bit too.

Stay tuned, I guess.

What if

I'm here, still grieving. I am having a hard time coming to terms with "this is it" when I can't help but wonder if another cycle might give us more definitive answers.

Here's where my head is at: if I cycle again, and it is crap, that is much more of an answer - my eggs are crap, and that's that. Closure. An end I might be able to live with better than where I am right now. And if my eggs aren't crap - well, that's what we're after, isn't it?

Right now, all I can do is wonder. What if. What if my eggs aren't total crap yet? What if there is one good one we can get? What if, what if, what if.

I think I am going to broach this with Mr. P tonight. I've been really mulling it over with myself, and I keep coming back to the fact that I'm not feeling closure. I need to cycle to be sure.

Am I being dumb? Is this a total waste? I don't doubt I'm not in the clearest state of mind right now, help me weigh this out logically.

fantasy island

Wow a week has gone by since I last posted. It feels like eons ago, and it feels like just yesterday since I got my last BFN.

Overall, I'd say I'm doing pretty well. I'm not in tears all the time, or really at any time, anymore. I can talk out loud about what happened without tearing up. I'm starting to remember the plans I had been making in my head, the plans for when I was done with treatments and began living my life again. I've even begun making some real plans, to travel to see family, friends and maybe to the beach.

But I am also finding myself daydreaming. Thinking about alternatives, making other kinds of plans. One popular daydream is of me becoming the IF urban legend, of trying like normal people (ya know, wink, wink, by like, giggle, giggle, having sex!) and getting pregnant. Since we aren't trying NOT to get pregnant, it could happen. Hypothetically speaking, at least. I'd say we have like a 1% chance, if that. But in my fantasy, we are the 1%. Wouldn't that be nice?

In another daydream, we cycle again at the far away clinic. We somehow figure out the Critter childcare impossibilities, have the financial resources to pull it all off, and I end up having my best cycle ever. And of course get pregnant. And have a baby. Wouldn't that be nice, too?

I even have a fantasy of doing an international adoption. Which of course in my daydream is easy, cheap and quick. Wouldn't that be nice, three?

So yeah, fantasy island is a nice place to visit these days. I'm not so sure that when I'm in reality-land that any of those fantasies are realistic or even what I really want (ok, maybe the first one would be ok), but it is fun(?) to pretend. Part of the healing I guess.

1 out of 4

I swear, I am the stat wrecker. If you need those sky-high great pregnancy stats brought down to a lower lever, far away clinic, I'm your girl.

Only one of my 4 euploid blasts led to a pregnancy. Not so good, stat-wise.

I spoke to Dr. Famous today, asked him his thoughts on my 1 of 4 luck. He attributes it to poor egg quality, saying that genetically normal isn't the only thing that leads to life. Other issues, like total number of cells, cell function, and other immeasurables, also play a part. And given my blasts were "okay" looking, never pretty (meaning B grade), they might have had other issues. He doesn't think it has been an uterus issue for me, although he did say that if I were to do it again, he would still put me on the the evil depot loopyron again.

I asked him what he would recommend for next steps, if we were interested in taking any. I was surprised to hear him say IVF with me. I was expecting to hear donor egg. He thinks I can make a decent egg, we just have to find it. I'm not so sure, given its been almost 3 years since I last cycled and and my eggs were clearly not so great then. But it was interesting to hear him not write off my eggs just yet.

So yeah. I'm not really sure cycling again is a path I'm willing to go down, not to mention Mr. P's willingness, or how to do it with the Critter. But it was interesting to talk with Dr. Famous about it all.

I'm feeling a bit better today, thanks mostly to all you sweet people and your lovely comments. I feel much less alone in this, and I am so glad you all are out there and get it. It means so much, more that you know. Thank you.

20 months

Oh Critter Girl, my darling little girl, yesterday you left your teens and turned 20. 20 months that is! Let's not rush things that fast, ok?

Anyway, let's see what happened this month in your world:

Ballet! You began ballet class, or as we call it dancing class, or as I secretly think it should be called, herding cats in pink leotards. You are not so sure about this class. You like the leotard and tights ok, but you refused to put on the tutu they passed out at class. You would not even look at it, let alone put it on like everyone else did. You liked the other props, like fake flowers an magi wands, but I'm not so sure you will take to ballet. Too much structure for you? Well, either way, Momma thinks it is fun to dress you up and take you :)

Dizzy! You have learned (somehow, not from me!) that if you spin around and around you get dizzy and stagger around like a drunk and fall down. Which you think is hilarious! You say "dizzy" and spin and spin, while Momma tried to keep you from crashing into hard objects while you stagger about. Good times.

Sleepy! Your favorite pretend game of the moment is pretending to be "sleepy" and rest your head. Then you shout "wake!" and jump up. This can go on for a while. But Momma thinks it is cute that you are getting the concept of sleep versus awake, and know it is something that you can control. You also get that Momma and Dada sleep in our bed, and the Cat sleeps too. "Shhhh. Quiet. Sleeping."

You've also mastered the alphabet this month, and like to turn letters and number upside down to see what else they can be (6! Now 9! Now 6!). You love to dance to music. You made waffles and pancakes with Dada for the first time. You love to "read" the Williams-Sonoma catalog.

You are Momma's light, my happiness, my world. I love you.

today sucks

I'm not doing so well today. Or yesterday. I've been hit harder by this than I ever expected. Tears are constantly just below the surface and most little things will start me crying (poor Mr. P, little did he know asking me what I wanted for dinner last night would start me bawling).

I just cannot believe this is over for us. I just cannot believe it. I think when I said that I was ok with just the Critter, I hid from myself the knowledge that I still had 2 euploid blasts waiting for me. Surely one of them would be my kid, right? So I said, sure, fine, just the Critter is great, but secretly, unconsciously I knew I wouldn't have to go that route. I knew I had good blasts on ice, just waiting for me.

But now they are all dead. There are none left. They all died inside me, and that is that.

I really thought I'd have another chance, I'd have another go at pregnancy, at newborn-ness, at all of it. It feels like I'm getting a glimpse of what I imagine someone young feels when they are told they have a terminal illness and will die quickly. (and yes, i know, no one is dying here, other than my embies, and maybe part of my soul. i get that). I'm sure it this feeling of "Wait, I thought I had more time, I had plans, I thought I was going to do so much more, I wanted so much more" and not getting any of it. That's how I feel.

Yes, I am lucky. I have the Critter, and she truly is a miracle gift, that is even more clear to me now. But I'm sad for her too, wanting to give her a sibling, someone she would always have in her life, still her family once I'm gone. Now she will be alone. It just makes me so sad.

That's where I am today. I hate it here.

nope.

pretty stark white FRER this morning, with maybe the slightest whiff of a second line, sorta maybe if you looked at it just so.

beta just came back at 4. anything under 5 is considered negative.

stop all meds. wait for my period. wait for dr. famous to call with words that won't help.

all done here. all done.

PUPO update

I'm home - been home since Sunday. Easy, early flight back, an easy trip all around.

I came home to find the Critter snotty, and of course, now I'm feeling all stuffed up and poopy now too. Of course, I can't take anything because I'm PUPO. Snuffle.

I've been feeling "symptoms" but all I think could be attributed to the hormones I'm on, especially the progesterone. So I'm not really feeling much, if you look at it that way, just side effects.

I think I will only POAS on Sunday, right before I go in for my beta at 7:30am. Why ruin the weekend early with bad news, right? I promise to update here with news after the blood draw.

That's it. Off to blow my nose for the gazillionth time this hour.