good...i guess

I'm home. So happy to be back home. That was a hard trip for me to take alone, given my state of uncertainty. Mr. P stayed home with the Critter, and I went alone to have my lady bits poked and prodded.

The ODWU went well. It was good...I guess. My ovaries did not shrivel up and turn to dust the moment I turned 40, so that's good news. My AFC is about the same as it always is, it was at 13 this visit. More on the right than the left, per usual. I had completely forgotten that I did blood work in October, so I didn't have to do all the big stuff again. AMH then was 0.8, not great, by not the worst they've seen, by far. Ute cam hysteroscopy was normal, as usual.

So there it is - I am just slightly less fertile than I was when I made the Critter. Basically the same as then.

I should be jumping for joy. And there is part of me that is. But some of me is sort of...meh. And another part that is just plain ole pissed off.

I expressed my meh-ness to my nurse, who said to me, "Ya know, this is all voluntary. No one is forcing you to cycle again." Which is very true. Mr. P is not forcing me, no one is. My response to her was that I wanted the end result, not the process. And that's it in a nutshell, isn't it?

I want to be a normal fertile person, and fuck, it is really pissing me off that I have to go through all the crap, time, expense, heartache, just to complete my family. Which could very well already be complete, my own desires be damned.

So that's where I am. Mad at the universe for my infertility. Right back to fucking square one.

Is this thing still on?

Wow. So that was a blog break, huh?

It was not intentional, such a long break. It just sort of happened. Life took over, with moving (good gravy, moving sucks), unpacking (still ongoing, 3+ months later, yikes), a birthday (40. Poop.) and well, just living. Then weeks away turned into months away, and then it was hard to think about what to say when (if?) I posted again. You know how that is? You let so much time elapse that it becomes harder and harder to restart? Just me? Hmmm.

But here I am, back again. Wanna know why? I'll give you a hint. This is an IF blog.

Yup. Here we go again.

In fact, I'm writing this from the far-away city. I'm in a hotel, a few short miles from the far-away clinic. And I am a few short hours away from enduring yet another (good lord, is this my 3rd??) one day workup.

To say I have mixed feeling about this is a gross understatement. On the one hand, I would love nothing more than to have another child. To make the Critter a big sister, a role which I am absolutely sure she would rock. To get to do it all again, one last time. No question, I want that. And if it were an easy prospect, I would want it badly. But since it has proved to not be an easy prospect, well. Let's just say I've shielded my heart enough to just want it, without the badly part. Most days.

But as I was flying here, bumping along in a crowded plane alone, I thought to myself, "What in the fuck am I doing?? I should be home with my daughter." And all the conflicted thoughts came pouring out. I'm way too old for this (shit, I should have covered my grey roots before this trip). How am I going to manage caring for my daughter while going through all the crazy that is a fresh cycle? The monitoring? The hormones? The bloating? How??

I told Mr. P before I left that I go into tomorrow in reconnaissance mode. It is a fact finding mission, to see if doing a fresh cycle at my age, in my current state (feeling fat and slow), is even in the cards. I'm not totally committed to going through this yet, and I want to see my workup results before agreeing to anything. And I have to admit, there is part of me that wants this workup to tell me to just stop. Crap AFC, fucked up hormones. Something that makes Dr. Famous tell me that he would not proceed with my eggs. That would be all I need. All I need to be ok with walking away.

I told my OB a few weeks back during my annual that this cycle will be a very expensive stab at closure. Maybe that is what this is. Seeking closure, seeking the ok to stop. Because one thing I have realized in the last few days I have lost the hope. I mean I must have some. I'm here, aren't I? But the hope is at an all time low. Closure, that's what I'm after these days.

Closure in the form of a wailing newborn? Well, that would be a nicer form of closure than what I'm predicting will actually happen.