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Yes, that's right. For once, thank you (insert your chosen deity here), I am actually on schedule. AF came right on time, which means everything will be on schedule for my visit to the far away clinic next week.
NEXT WEEK! Can you believe it? I'm sort of amazed the time went faster this wait. But it is almost here. We fly out next Wednesday afternoon, and the all-day appointment is Thursday. I've been a bit superstitious about making plans for this trip, because it relied on me (well, on my good buddy AF) being on time. I scheduled this appointment last month, and it must occur between CD 5-13. Which means if I was really late (like I was last month) I would have to reschedule. So I booked the flight, but no hotel, no car rental. Now I can book everything. Yay!I hope this is a good omen for this next phase. Things happening as they should, when they should. Wouldn't that be nice?
Mr. P and I had a busy weekend. We had his cousin's wedding on Saturday, which was about an hour's drive from our house. The wedding was fine, they are a couple in their 20's so it was a young wedding. Big wedding party, they do all the traditional things, etc. And I was the designated driver, and as the reception went on, I realized that weddings are not as fun when you aren't imbibing. Or 25.
There were also many kids at this wedding. All very cute in their dressed-up clothes. My mother-in-law had so much fun with all the little kids. It made me sad to watch, she is the only one out of her siblings not to be a grandmother yet. She is so good about not pressuring us, and she does not know what we've been through so far. But it is clear nothing would make her happier than a grandchild or three. All I could think was, "I'm trying!!" And felt bad about the whole thing.
And in other weekend adventures, I got my greys colored and picked up dry cleaning. Both places were filled with dumb comments. At the hair place, the guy cutting hair next to me and his client were talking about IF. Something about his sister trying IVF. So the client goes into the "they should just relax, IVF is too stressful, I had a friend who stopped trying and got pregnant" BS. I was ready to jump out of my chair and yell at her. But I didn't. And later that day at my dry cleaner, the Thai owner of the business asks me in her accented English, "You pregnant yet?" and I say no, no baby and she keeps going and says "You get pregnant soon? Maybe next year?" I mumble something like "I dunno" and run out of there. I know she's trying to be nice, but damn. I guess people play the odds and think I'm in the 80% that can get pregnant whenever I want.
It's amazing how IF just permeates your life and experiences. Even at a joyous event like a wedding, or something as mundane as picking up dry cleaning, I'm confronted with the fact I can't be like everyone else. I can't just have a baby. It sucks.
As I've been browsing lots of new blogs during ICLW, I've noticed lots of people doing the A-B-Cs. And since I have nothing to report on the IF front (yes, the waiting is still killing me, ugh) and I'm a joiner copy-cat, here we go!
A - The first letter of my IRL first name
B - My hubby's IRL nickname
C - Cats! I love all cats, pictures of cats, and can watch endless you.tub.e videos of cats
D - dining out, a favorite hobby of mine
E - Eggs, I hated them all my life until 3 years ago. Now I love and crave them.
F - Foodie, yeah I'm one of those smug people that know too much about food and wine
G - Grey hair - at 36 I'm amazed how many I have (and subsequently dye)
H - heights, i'm afraid of them, but force myself to confront it
I - I'm of Italian ancestry. Ciao!
J - I love listening to Jazz, especially while driving and on weekend mornings
K - karma, something I think exists more and more these days
L - Liz, my cute-as-can-be niece. I love her and she breaks my heart all at the same time
M - mom, I love mine, and want to be one very badly!
N - nuts along with...
O - ...olives and...
P - ...popcorn (homemade on the stove only!) are my favorite snacks
Q - questions - I always have tons, but forget them when its time to ask them
R - restraint, something I'm not known for IRL
S - swimming, which I grew up doing competitively, and recently started doing again
T - Tea, I drink it every morning instead of coffee
U - Umps, my cat's nickname (and she thinks is her real name, because we never call her by her given name)
V - video camera, what I've been wanting to buy recently. Maybe one of those Flip ones.
W - Wrigley Field, the best place to spend an afternoon. Go Cubs!
X - I got nothing. X-ray? I'm not very X-rated? Lame, I know. Sorry.
Y - Yelp - I love this site!
Z - the first letter of my IRL last name. And Zappos, what a great store!!
Well, that was fun, and harder than it looks.
Yay! It is ICLW!
Welcome to my blog. A little about me: Hubby and I have been TTC for 2 years. We've done 4 IUIs (cl.omid and ovid.rel) and 2 IVFs (long Lupr.on protocols), and have been BFN every time. Right now we have begun the process of working with a far away clinic, and hope to cycle with them in a month or two. The waiting is killing me, and I vacillate from doing ok to not-so-ok. And I see pregnant people everywhere! ACK!
So welcome again!
I have nothing of interest to post on the IF front. I am stuck again in the waiting game, and each time it feels time moves slower. Ugh, I am ready to move on with my life, but I am stuck. Sigh. I am keeping myself busy, but it feels like going through the motions at time. We had dinner with my brother and sister-in-law this weekend, which was much fun. Saw my niece before we left, and she is just the cutest thing. Which breaks my heart every time. I love to see her, but it also makes me acutely aware of what I don't have. And I also hung out with some girlfriends on Saturday afternoon. But of course, one friend just has her second child, and another girl there was pregnant. So in the middle of a nice afternoon, I found my thoughts wandering.
First to envy (and yeah, maybe a little hate and jealousy) and then just sadness. With a smile on my face. Blech. So I'm struggling a bit. I'm ready to move on, be a mom. Or at least start doing things that might help that process along. But again I am waiting around, and it is wearing me down. I'm stuck.
Some of the best cookin' I've seen in awhile:
http://www.mydamnchannel.com/Cookin_with_Coolio/Cookin_with_Coolio/10SoulRolls_637.aspx
Sorry I don't know how to link the video directly, but go check it out. Who knew Coolio was such a good cook?
Have a lovely weekend!
After a flurry of activity last week, things have slowed down again and I find myself again waiting around for the next phase to start. We are going to the far-away clinic in early August, but until then, there is not much to do.
On another note, I have been thinking about anonymity in blogging. The blogging world is different one than the IRL world. There are things I would write here that will not be shared with most, if not all, IRL friends or family. Personally, I think my tendency is to keep things to myself, keep things private, anonymous. But I am increasingly conflicted about this as I go through IF and find comfort in other's blogs. (Along a similar vein, I did a post a few weeks back about the struggle of telling IRL people about our IF struggles, and we are telling a few more IRL people these days.)
But now this conflict is bubbling up here in blogland too. I am beginning a new part of this journey, and find myself seeking others who have gone down the same path. I find myself searching the internets for people that went to the far-away clinic. Which makes me realize that if someone searched for my experience, they might not know where I went for treatment because I'm vague. While I don't think it would be hard to figure out where I'm seeking treatment if you read this regularly, the clinic name would not be searchable, nor would someone just stumbling upon this blog figure it out right away.
So what's my problem? Why not just be up front about it? My hesitancy of sharing more specific details about any clinic, hospital or doctor is rooted in fears of accusations of slander or discovery of specific comments I make by those that are caring for me. I am trained in the mental health field, and the utmost importance of confidentiality is drilled into our brains. It feels odd to share specifics about my care to the whole world. If I were someone's healthcare provider, I'd be pretty weirded out if they were blogging about me. It might even change the way I care for them or communicate with them. It would certainly be in the back of my mind when we interact. And I don't think I want that from people who are caring for me.
But I also feel conflicted, because I want to help others by sharing my experience. And help myself by being fully open about what I'm going through. That requires being specific, right?
I'm looking for opinions here - so please comment about what you think. Should I be more specific about the far-away clinic? Is it ok to keep things vague?
And lurkers - I need your thoughts most of all! So de-lurk, and comment, just this once!
One of the things I've noticed about the far-away clinic is they are thorough. Or obsessive. One of their requirements for ladies of a "certain age" is a baseline mammogram.
I've never had one of these before, until yesterday. Now I know what all the jokes in Ladies Home Journal are about.
To begin with, I'm not a well-endowed girl. I'm lucky to fill out a B cup at my largest, right before AF comes. So logistically, I was not sure how this was all going to work. But trust me, they find a way.
For those of you who have not gone through this yet, here is the run-down of the whole process.
First, you arrive, get registered and fill out a form which documents many things, including all the hormones you have been on in your life. Needless to say, I've been on many hormones. So it took a while. Then you go back to a locker room, and you dress in a hospital gown, keeping your bottoms on. You are called back by a female tech, and you are put in a small room with the machine, and a big clear wall thing which the tech stands behind when she takes the film. So you take your arm out of one side of the gown, and the tech puts a small pastie on your nipple. I was amazed by the varied types of pasties they had, some with flowers, some with bright festive colors. Mine was more austere, small and plain green. Then the tech gropes you, moving your boob onto the machine, getting it just so. Then she tells you, "Get ready" as the top of the machine comes whirring down towards your somewhat violated-feeling boob.
Oh my! Just when you think the machine has smooshed your boob as much as possible, the tech hand-tightens it a little more, tells me to hold my breath (as if I could even breathe with my boob in a vice) and runs back behind the screen and takes the picture. Time in the boob vice: 15 seconds max. But it feels like it will never end. And hurts about as much as having your boob in a vice sounds like it would hurt.
My tech took 6 pictures total, 3 on each boob. There was the top view, diagonal view and the side view. Smooshed from all angles. Then I went back to the waiting room while the radiologist reads the film. I had to then go do 2 more films (ugh! but the tech warned me this is common, and it does not mean anything is necessarily wrong) and wait some more. The radiologist then came out to tell me everything was fine, my boobs are dense (Hey! They are very educated boobs!) which is common in younger people. And then you leave. Oh wait, you put your clothes back on (important step!) then leave. Remove the pasties at your own discretion.
All in all it took about 30 minutes. My boobs ached a little afterwards, like when you are on PIO. A day later, they feel about back to normal. I wouldn't plan on high-impact step class for a day, but other than that, no problems.
Compared to all the other medical invasiveness I've endured through all of my IF diagnosis and treatment, I'd say it's on par with a non-painful HSG (mine didn't hurt all that much, but I understand some ladies have it a lot worse). Not fun, but tolerable with no lasting effects.
So that's what I did yesterday, what did you do?
It happened. We had the phone consult with the doctor from the far-way clinic. Not without stresses, though. Read the post below for the pre-Monday nightmare. I call them first thing Monday morning to confirm they got the fax I sent Friday, as well as to check about the FedEx chart that was missing. Even though I asked them to call me. Anyway, the receptionist states that yes they have the fax, and that is enough to keep my appointment for this afternoon. Great, but what about the FedEx? Well, she hasn't located it, but grudgingly admits she does recognize the name of the person that signed for it, so she'll send an email around in hopes of finding it. Uh, ok.
So at the scheduled time (well, I'm anxious and punctual, so more like 15 minutes in advance of the scheduled time) Mr. P and I are waiting for the phone to ring at our kitchen table. I have all my records, forms, blank paper and pen all organized and at the ready. Ready...to wait.
Yup, because it is me, I have to wait some more. Like 50 minutes after the appointment time for the doctor to call. Sigh.
But when he finally does call, it is great. He wants to hear our story, and all of our questions. He gives me his thoughts on my chart (which he does have in front of him, so they found it!) and thinks I need to be on a different type of protocol, and explains why. He also recommends more testing, including an uterine lining biopsy, which I specifically asked my other RE about and he said, "No, not needed." And new RE thinks we are good candidates for pre-implantation genetic testing that they do (and no one locally does).
So I'm really happy. We have someone who hears us, who looked at my chart thus far and sees other routes that we can take. Very different that my previous RE, who wanted to do more of the same.
Today has been scheduling appointments to get the recommended testing done over the next month. I feel like I'm moving again, which feels good. But I also have to pace myself, because we don't have our pre-IVF appointment with them for another month, and then it will not be until late August or early September before a cycle would start. So I'm moving, but slowly for now. In fits and starts. But at least it is forward movement.
Yesterday was a lovely day, Mr. P and I went to the Cubs game (they even WON!) and walked around a bit. Had a beer, enjoyed the nice sunshine, people watched. Feeling good.
All that came crashing to a halt when we got home, and there was a message from the far-away clinic. Saying they don't have my paperwork and medical records for my consult on Monday. WHAT????
I FedEx-ed this to them over 2 weeks ago. And I have a signature confirmation and everything. And of course, by the time I get this message, they are closed. For the holiday weekend. Until Monday. When my appointment is supposed to be.
So needless to say I freak out.
Of course they asked me to fax them everything immediately. We don't have a fax machine at home. I mean, really, other than doctors, who uses a fax these days??? Get email people!! My file is like 60+ pages. At my local Kinkos it costs almost $2 a page to fax (what a rip-off, but that's another rant for another day). So after freaking out some more, I decide to fax them the 20-page form they require, along with the signature confirmation from FedEx and a cover page that tells them they do in fact have my stuff. And to call or email me ASAP to let me know they have the fax and found my file.
Today I've calmed down a bit, but if I have to delay my consult because they lost my stuff I will seriously lose my shit. Is it too much to ask for the office people in a medical practice to be vaguely competent? I have yet to encounter it.
And of course, keeping with the theme of my life, I have to wait til Monday to find out if I get to move forward. Grrrrrrrr....
She's here. With a vengeance. Apparently she was looking for light grey lounge pants, not fully white. But the effect is the same.
So longer cycles is just one more question to ask about at the consult on Monday. Yay, this Monday! Soon!
To keep myself occupied, I am entertaining this weekend. Mr. P got a new fancy grill for his birthday and it was delivered yesterday. So I'm having the girls over Thursday night (as it is synthetic Friday) and then we are having more friends over Saturday for a BBQ. So I will go to the farmer's market this morning, then to the fruit/veggie stand for all of the not-yet-in-season-locally produce, then to the regular grocery for all the dry items. I love doing this, it is fun to wander around and look at all the yumminess.
The menu for the girls is low-key: homemade hummus and veggies, this so-good grilled cheese thing from the farmers market as apps; then grilled lemon garlic chicken and shrimp skewers, and Israeli couscous with grilled veggies. Homemade strawberry crisp and ice cream for dessert. And of course drinks: homemade limeade with either vodka or tequila or the house special (cran-cherry, homemade pineapple vodka, la croix orange). MMmmmmmm!
As for Saturday, it is more about Mr. P playing with his new toy. So I get to lounge around and be a guest at my own house. Which I can do. But I'm sure I'll made some sort of side, grilled veggies or taters or something.
Off to the market, bye!
