Planning

I've been daydreaming (and ok, maybe internet surfing a bit too) about taking a vacation this fall. I've been looking at both family-friendly and adults-only places (sorry Critter) and thinking how nice it would be to get away for a bit. Warm blue ocean? Yummy tropical drinks? Yes, please!

I've been also looking at smaller houses. We sort of put the whole house hunting thing on hold several months ago, because I didn't want to be TTC and house hunting at the same time. But now I'm looking online again, and looking at smaller places than before.

Why tell you this, you ask? What do these things have in common, other that they take up way too much of my time?

I am doing these things because I don't think I'm going to get pregnant again. In my secret heart, the one I don't talk to others about (well, except for all you lovely people I don't actually know) I don't think this FET is gonna take. I am already planning my life as our family of three, and beginning to move on.

I haven't told Mr. P I've been thinking this way. I mean, what am I gonna say, really? We are going through with the FET, it is happening. But truly, I don't think there is a chance in hell it is gonna work.

That is sort of f-ed up, don't you think?

...and we're back

The Critter and I got back from our Back East adventure on Tuesday. I am really glad we went. It was a good distraction for me, and I think the Critter, city girl that she is, really liked all the grass to run on, and birds to look at, and just to explore. It is exhausting travelling with a toddler, but the Critter is clearly a pro, and she did great on both flights and waiting in the airport. No meltdowns, even when she missed naps. She is a born traveler.

In addition to being back from our trip, I am also back on the FET prep train again. I started taking bcp last Saturday and have a FET date of August 31. Ordered more lupron, and need to order the rest of my meds too. Back again, on the crazy-making, hormone-filled roller coaster.

One thing that has come from the last FET failure and moving forward with this next cycle is an overwhelming feeling from me to be done with this. It is so hard to be back here, riding the ups and downs of the hormones, of the emotions, of the failure. Failing this FET made me think a lot about how I would be with the Critter as my one and only. I used to think I wanted more kids, heck, I still do want that, but it is not as crucial-feeling as it once was. With the FET failure, I think it hit me that I may end up with just the Critter. And I was surprised to feel in my heart that that was ok. Don't get me wrong, we are trying for a second, and I'm going through all of the shots and crapola to get there - but if my sweet Critter girl is all that is meant for us, I'm ok with that too. That's a new feeling for me.

I'm feeling more of a desire these days to move on with my life, and be done with this IF shit. It was so nice being away from it, that now slogging through it all again feels even more cumbersome to me.

So from that train of thought, Mr. P and I sat down and discussed transferring both of my remaining embryos at this FET. Which would make it my last FET. And my last IF treatment. Ever. Of the two that we have left, one is Chilly Willy, the only blast I made at my local clinic, that they wanted to discard. He's been slow-frozen, traveled to the far-away clinic, thawed, biopsied, and vitrified. That's a lot for one little just-ok looking embie to go through. My hopes are not high for him. It seems unwise to do a FET just for him, given his meager chances. So we will transfer both him and the other remaining blast together.

Watch me end up with twins (yikes).

A trip

Things are going ok here. I am still...sad, disbelieving, amazed. All of those things. It comes in waves, where sometimes I forget it didn't work, and then bam, I remember. I am snuggling that Critter extra close, as you might imagine. I do find solace in her sunny smile. How could I not? She is such a joy and we are so very lucky to have her.

In what could be either the best or worst idea ever, I am taking the Critter to see my family Back East for the weekend. Very impromptu trip, to attend a retirement party for my dad. When they scheduled it, we said we thought we wouldn't be able to go, as I'd be pregnant. But I'm not, so they offered to fly us out last minute. Mr. P has a work dinner thingy Saturday night, so he can't come. So just me and an 18-month old toddler. Like I said, either really dumb or really fun.

Thank you all for your vitural hugs and good wishes. They mean so incredibly much to me, really. I've read them many times, and it does ease the pain knowing you all are there and understand. So thank you.

18 months

Happy year and a half birthday, my sweetest-of-sweet Critter Girl! Today you are 18 months old, and it amazes me to even type that. How did you grow up so fast?

Let's see what happened this month:

KITCHEN! For your 18 month birthday (yes, we will always celebrate your half-birthday, because you are a child born so close to Christmas, you need a half birthday to spread things out) we got you a play kitchen. You've had it about a week now, and wow do you love love love it. You can stay busy for hours with this thing. You "cook" and make us all "hot cheese" in the oven and "stir" your "pot" on the stove. You've learned many vegetable names (onion! pepper!) and will make anyone a yummy stew. It also has a phone where you talk to Dada, just like Momma does.

Two words! You are saying a lot more 2-word phrases, and have begun with pronouns. "I do" or "I come" are now regular sayings from you. I am amazed daily with your language growth, you seem to pick up a new word every day or two. I've lost count of how many you know. And I am so glad you now use "yes" as much as "no" so we may just survive the new opinions you have.

Hold hands! You finally will hold my hand when we walk. You never ever never let me do this before. Even when you were learning to walk, you never wanted to hold someone's hand for balance. But recently you have begun to reach for my hand when we are walking, and you let me hold your hand going down the stairs. Momma loves it!

It's been another wonderful month with you, my sweet Critter. Momma and Dada love you so much, and we say every day how lucky we are to have you. We are so very lucky to know you, and get to watch you grow.

beta confirms it

beta of zero. stop all medications. do not pass go. do not collect $200.

I'm very sad. And honestly, a bit shocked. I really thought it had worked. I was feeling stuff...real symptoms, or so I thought. Damn progesterone, fooling me into thinking it worked. I should have known better, because when I had actually been pregnant with the Critter, I didn't feel anything before beta. Not a damn thing.

I also thought we had cracked the mystery of why I can't get pregnant - my whole lining issue, which should have been treated by the evil depot loopyron. Which I did this time, and it still didn't work. With a euploid blast. This scares me, big time. Was the Critter just a fluke, and really, I still have major implantation issues? Issues that can't be detected or solved or treated?

My lining never really took off this time, so maybe it was just crap from the start. Maybe if I can get one that grows at a good pace, a more expected pace, it will be better. Who knows. I sure hope so.

I will have a post-mortem with Dr. Famous later this week when he is back from vacation. I wonder what he will say. I mean really, what can he say? Let's try again?

I have 2 more chances at this. That's it. Please, please let one of them take.

I tested

BFN.

Stark white. Not even a question about it. One lonely line.

Shit.




I will be hugging my sweet daughter a lot today.

bought some sticks

I looked in my drawer last night to see if I still had any POAS sticks left. I found one FRER, but it expired in 12/2011. 6 months off...would I trust it? Nah.

So I went to Tar.get today and got me some brand spankin' new FRER. I opted not to buy the bulk pack, trying to stay optimistic that I will only need the one.

The question now is - when to POAS? Tomorrow AM? Saturday AM, right before my beta blood draw? Not at all? Right now???

Ok, since I bought the damn sticks, clearly I will test. Not POAS is not an option for me. I'm a open a present on Xmas Eve, and search the house the week before to try to find hidden presents that haven't been wrapped yet sort of girl. So yeah. Either tomorrow or Saturday.

Last time I POAS right before beta, that same morning. Mostly because Mr. P was out of town (I know! Before and on Beta Day! It still irks me.). Now that he is most certainly in town, I have the choice.

Not sure what I will do. What would you do?

PUPO wait crazies

I am in PUPO limbo. The dreaded 2ww. Ugh.

I have been feeling REALLY tired, like Capital T Tired. I am sure that's due to my high progesterone, which was 38.18 at transfer. I slept like a rock last night, almost 10.5 hours! And I could nap now. Yawn.

I've been scared about picking up the Critter. The far away clinic advises you not to lift more than 10 lbs. Yeah, my almost 18-month old weighs a lot more than that. Luckily Mr. P took this week off, so he's been doing all of the in/out of crib and high chair stuff. But how am I gonna do this when he is back at work? I guess I have to disregard that bit of advice.

Which scares me to death. I mean, I'd hate for this all not to work, and they I will always wonder if it was because I picked her up too much?

Just another worry to add to the crazy that is the PUPO wait.

Is it Saturday yet?