our conversation

I needed to get that last post off the top - blech. Not that I have much to write about now, but I just felt compelled to get it off.

Soooo, how are you doing? What's new? Yeah? That sounds interesting, tell me more.

Oh, I'm ok. Just the same old stuff around here. Yeah, Critter is great, she only sort of understands this whole Christmas thing. Yeah, she is sort of scared of Santa still, but conversely has become obsessed with the "Twas the Night Before Christmas" book she got last year. She looks at Santa with fear and awe. I guess that's about right.

Me? Oh, I'm fine. Still freaked out by people, crowds, but whatever, I'll get over it I guess. My ovaries? Eh, they are the same too. Still not sure about the whole cycle again thing. Yeah, me and Mr. P have talked about it again, but no forward movement really. He seems more amenable to the idea now, for sure. I think I'm the one really dragging my feet at this point.

Holiday plans? Yeah, we are travelling Back East to see my family for Xmas. Not looking forward to the crowded airports, but I think it will be nice to see my family for the holidays. It has been several years since we went Back East for a major holiday. That's what infertility and a new baby will do to you.

So, yeah. It was good to chat with you. Let's not wait so long next time to catch up, ok? Hugs.



(p.s. - you are supposed to leave your half of our conversation in the comments)

traumatized

I went to the grocery store on Sunday. We were out of everything, it had to be done. I went to my local store, during the football game, so it wouldn't be too crowded.

I noticed when I walked into the store, I felt nervous. Fluttery stomach, heart beating fast. I glanced around, looking suspiciously at everyone. I moved quickly and was way too hyper-vigilant about my surroundings.

I got everything I needed as fast as I could and was happy to leave the store.

How messed up is that?

I live half a country away from the East Coast, from Connecticut. I do not know anyone, or know anyone who knows anyone, directly involved. I don't do Facebook, Twitter or any other of that over-connected crap. I've limited my news consumption since Friday, trying hard not to exposed myself to sad or gory details that could further traumatize me.

But that's the rub, isn't it? I'm already traumatized. I'm affected. I'm anxious in crowds now. I'm distrustful of others. I just want to stay home.

And it's not just Connecticut, it's Oregon too. It's Texas, it's Colorado. It's everywhere, it seems.

I'm having a hard time with this, more so than I ever have before. How do you move on? Mel talked of faith and I commented on her blog that faith is one thing I generally lack. It's true, I'm not a faith-based person. I struggle with "just believing" in something. I want proof, I want fact. And right now, the facts point me in a very scary direction.

I tell myself it will all be ok, that we will all be ok. I'm hoping it will sink in at some point and feel more true than it does right now.

rocked

I was in Nordstrom today. I was finishing what I call a "power shop" when I have a very limited amount of time (like 45 min start to finish) to get something very specific. Today it was tops, both casual and could-be-dressed-up to wear this winter.

I was at the checkout line, chatting with my super-helpful sales lady (the main reason I love Nordstrom, the sales people there rock) and congratulating myself for successfully getting 4 items, when a customer across the counter from us starts recounting the horror.

"Some reports of almost 30 dead," he says, shaking his head. "I heard many are kids."

My ears raised. "What happened?" I asked naively. My sales lady just shook her head.

Another salesperson helping that man said, "I heard he went in, killed the principal, then the vice principal, then the school counselor, then went into a kindergarten class and shot all the kids."

My stomach dropped. I thought I was going to puke on the saleslady. "Where?" was all I could muster.

"Delaware?" she said. "No, Connecticut."

I finished my transaction in a daze, and shakily made my way out of the store. Glancing around at everyone else, wondering if they knew. Wondering how they felt. Wondering if they carried a gun. Wondering if they too wanted to harm us all. All I wanted to do was get out of the crowds. Fast.

I've worked in education. I've been both an elementary and pre-school teacher. I've worked in mental health, in schools. I've worked in higher education, both in administration and teaching.

This is my world, the world I know. Safe places, or at least they were. Schools.

And now I'm a mom, of a kid that will be going to pre-school, then kindergarten. In a school. A supposedly safe place for her to learn and grow.

But now, still nauseasous from this horrid news, how can I let her go out in this fucked up world? What is wrong with people? Why, good lord, why would someone want to shoot kindergartners? What kind of world is this? How can my dear Critter be exposed to this? Be hurt by this?

I can't even begin to fathom where the parents are tonight. What they are doing, how they are surviving this. It has made me sick, physically sick. My heart aches for them, for the kids that survived, for those that bore witness to this absolute madness.

Tonight I am sad. Scared, too. Sad and scared for this world.

23 months

This is it, Critter Girl. The last time I can talk about your age in months, without people thinking it is weird. Honestly, I've been saying "She'll be two in January" for a few months now, because 23 months just sounds sort of odd to my ears. You are almost 2! Let's see what this month brought us:

Singing! You are starting to sing! You like to sing the Thomas song ("Thomas and his Frieeeeends!") and Twinkle, Twinkle and the ABC song. Granted, I don't know if anyone else would call what you are doing singing, let along recognize the song, but Momma knows. You are doubly excited when I sing with you. It is very cute.

Another molar! Oy, it has been back to drooly, gooey, chewy Critter again with these darn 2-year molars coming in. You even told me it hurt one day. Poor girl. Your sleep has been a bit off, especially falling asleep at night, and I think it is because your teeth hurt. This is you other bottom molar. I cannot see the tops ones at all (I've tried!) so maybe them too. Gosh, I hope so, I'm ready to be done with the teething. I'm sure you are too.

Tantrums? I don't know if they fully qualify as tantrums, as they pretty much only last like 30 seconds, but you are certainly becoming more frustrated with things lately. You will throw your hands in the air in frustration (and send whatever was in your hands flying) and make a frustrated grunting noise. You are easily distracted from this frustration, and it doesn't last long, but it sure looks like the first of the "terrible twos" I've been warned about. Let's hope it stays like this.

I was looking at last year's Xmas card picture of you, and cannot believe the changes in you, in just this one year. You look so much like a kid now, compared to that baby from last year. You walk, you talk, you have opinions. You are a little person now. But you'll always and forever be my baby. I'm so happy to be here, watching you grow and change ever day. I love you, my sweetest of sweet Critter Girl.

Please help her out!!

My dear bloggy friend Patience has just matched with an expectant birth mom! If you don't already read her blog, Searching for the Missing Piece, she has been down a looooong IF road. She is a wonderfully supportive and kind lady, and I'm just so very excited for her!

So please check out her Etsy shop and Good Wishes page, and if you can, help out.

Danka!