Dozen

It's done - we got 12 eggs!

And I'm really happy with that, I just wanted double digits. We'll find out tomorrow about the fert rate.

I'll update more about the ER, which was interesting, when we get back to our hometown. We'll be driving the next few days, hopefully home Thursday night.

And thanks again and again for all the positive thoughts. It means so incredibly much to me. Thank you.

It's on!

Yup - it's on, folks!

I triggered last night at 10pm, and ER is on for 9am Tuesday morning. Oh boy, here we go!

Follies are looking good, although I'm getting worried now that they may be too big, over-mature. On Sunday morning monitoring my right have 5 big ones, all 20+, and my left was hiding so we only measured 3 because it hurt too much for her to wand me to death. On the left they were 19-17. E2 was 2850! Highest ever. Please, please, please let that mean there are a few extra mature ones hiding.

I'm getting nervous, just for everything. I've been working so hard, put so much into this up til now, I just want it to work so badly. But I don't get hopeful, I get scared. I prepare for the worst. I figure it's easier to be pleasantly surprised than have my hopes dashed. Mr. P thinks I'm nuts, and I need to stay positive, but it is self-protective to be like this. Yes, everything has gone well, at least as well, if not better, than my last 2 cycles. Yes, I'm at one of the best labs in the country. Yes, we will do microarray, and get my lining issues in order, and remove my fibroid (which, btw, is now huge) before making a perfect lining for the FET.

But....just but.

But everything. That is what I am focused on now. All the buts (and not just my sore left butt from yesterday's trigger shot, har-har-har).

Blah, I just want it done. I want it to be tomorrow already. I want it to be February, after the FET. I want it to be next year, after I have my child in my arms. But that all sounds hopeful.

So I guess it easiest to say I want to be done with all this IF craziness.

The Bloat Baby

No ma'am, I'm not pregnant.

Yes, I'm sure.

Just because I'm waddling like a pregnant lady (or a duck) and I am in a loose t-shirt with a substantial buldge underneath, I'm not pregnant.

It's just my bloat baby.

Going into the final stretch here, and boy, am I bloated. I really "popped" today. I've been feeling uncomfortable for days (IF Optimist...is not the only princess that feels her peas), but today has been...more. More visible bloat, more feeling-your-ovaries-vibrate-with-every-step, more tired. But it's all worth it.

Today's monitoring was good, and Mr. P came to see the bits of dough in the oven. We still have about 9-10 follies, now between 19 and 15-ish, with a few smaller stragglers still loitering. My E2 was 2203, which means this will be my highest E2 going into retrieval. I'm hoping that means more mature eggs. I'm still thinking that retrieval (or harvesting, as I am still farming) will be Tuesday, but we'll see. I go in tomorrow again for another peak at the follies, and more blood work.

Thanks for all the positive vibes and well-wishes, it really means the world to me. This is my first IVF cycle as a blogger, and it has been so nice to have support from you guys that get it. Thanks again!!!

Crusing right along

Things continue to progress. I have about 10 follies now, smallest just at 11 and largest at 16. E2 today was at 1715, so that is good too. I've stayed on the same amount of meds since they reduced me after the first monitoring appointment. It's still looking like a Tuesday retrieval, so not on our anniversary Wednesday, but that's ok. Maybe I can even have some wine or champers on our anniversary then. Yes, I will be able to indulge again soon, because this is a freeze-all cycle. Transfer won't be until the new year, I think.

I was absolutely exhausted all day yesterday, I swear I even woke up tired, even though I slept fine. So I did very little other than watch TV. But today I'm feeling a bit better. Mr. P arrived in town this morning, maybe that woke me up a bit. Its good to have him here, I feel like I'm not alone in this adventure anymore.

So that's it. We just went out for a very nice lunch, and now we're lounging on the couch. Watching the Price is Right. Good way to spend a Friday.

I'm a farmer

My first ultrasound at the far away clinic was this morning. I can already say I like this clinic so much more than my local clinic. The u/s tech actually talks to me, they have the screen on the wall just so the patients can see the screen without craning your neck to see the tech's screen, and then you review everything with the nurse. The old clinic techs would barely look at me, do the fastest scan, and send me home. This is so much better.

Anyway, I feel like a farmer, growing my follies. Watch them grow, give them fertilizer, check on them. So this morning, 5 days into stims I had 5 measurables on one side, and 4 on the other, with several smaller ones hanging around. My E2 is already at 933! So they have reduced my follis.tim, and I have to go back in tomorrow for more checking. This is the quickest, and best response I've ever had, so I guess Dr. Famous was right when he suspected I've been over-suppressed in my past cycles.

I'm feeling tired too. Not sure if its the weather here, which can only be described as dreary, or just the extra energy my body is putting towards farming follies. But, geez, I'm already feeling bloated, tired and all around not much fun. But I'm not here to have fun, I'm here to farm. In loose-waisted sweatpants.

I made it

I arrived! After driving most of yesterday, we had an easier drive today. In total, a long drive, but fun too. I am a bit hoarse from all the singing! But not without injury, I have a nasty knot in my shoulder muscle from gripping the steering wheel for hours on end. So I made the executive decision to have a massage tomorrow. Get all the driving kinks out.

I'm still unpacking, and getting organized. My shots have been going ok, I seem to be bruising more this time. Not sure why, or what the difference is from the last 2 times. And I really dislike Meno.pur. It burns, and it is a pain in the patooka to mix it all up. The Folli.stim pen spoiled me. I'm already starting to feel my ovaries, so I hope that means something is going on in there. I'll find out Wednesday at my ultrasound and blood work monitoring appointment.

That's it. I'm tired, looking forward to a good night's sleep. G'night!

Edited to add - Thanks to Gabby's blog for reminding me it's ICLW! My favorite week of the month! Welcome to all you bloggers and blog readers. If you are just coming across my blog for the first time, click here for a review I did for a previous ICLW, or just check out the sidebar for a summary of my IF history. Have a great week!

One down...

...and about 60 more to go. Shots, that is. I had my first shot of MDL this morning, my first shot since the beginning of May. It was fine, but I forgot it is a shot, and it hurts a bit. Not bad, but I actually thought to myself, "Huh, it hurts." Not sure what I expected.

Anyway, now that I'm done with that first step, I start focusing on packing and getting organized for the trip. I think I'm leaving Sunday. I'm driving, not sure if I've mentioned that here. I have a friend who is also cycling at the far away clinic, and we decided to caravan road trip out there. I'm looking forward to the drive, I really like to drive. Sing at the top of my lungs, listen to books on tape (or CD these days, did I just date myself??), chat on the phone (hands-free of course). We're not going to push it, so it will take us 2 days, which will put us at the far away clinic on Monday night.

And I am also in the process of transferring my one frozen blast to the far away clinic. We had to get all these releases notarized yesterday, and today I have to send them off. This way this blast can be included in the CGH/MA on the many other (I hope!) blasts from this cycle. More paperwork, more money. But hey, maybe that little snowbaby is the one! Ya never know.

All Aboard!!

'Cause the IVF train is leaving the station!

Yup, I had my ultrasound and blood work today - and got the all clear. I begin the MDL on Thursday morning. My first injection in almost 5 months. Feels like an eternity ago. Then real stims join the party on Saturday.

Chug, chug, chugging along...moving forward feels great so far!

Weekend re-cap

We had a good weekend, the weather here has finally gotten nice and summery. Right in time for fall, but whatever, I'll take it. On Saturday, a good friend's band played at a local festival in a park, and it was fun to sit in the grass and hang out.

And yesterday was my niece's birthday party. I baked her a cake, and spent much of Sunday morning on that. This is only the second cake I've made from scratch, so nothing too crazy, just a vanilla layer cake with whipped cream filling and chocolate frosting. It looked cute, with pink writing and pink and white polka dots.



The party was fun, a casual cookout with several kids and adults. I was surprised I did well at this event, it was fun to watch all the kids (oldest there was 4) interact with each other and play. The green monster of jealousy barely reared it's head.

And last night was my last night of BCP. Tomorrow morning I go in to the now-mean-to-me old clinic for my suppression check u/s and blood work. I've had on and off very light spotting since my last (chunky monkey) period, so I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow. I hope everything is doing what it should (or I guess not doing anything at all) down there. If all goes well, I get the all clear to begin injections on Thursday. Micro dose lup.ron only for 2 days, then full-on stims on Saturday. I think it will be 4 injections each day. I hope I have enough space on my tummy.

It should be an interesting week.

The big talk

I did it. I had the talk with my dad tonight. The big reveal. For those of you that can't recall the details (What? You don't remember every detail of my life? How can that be??) click here to read up.

I was nervous beforehand. Like very very nervous. Butterflies in tummy nervous. I called his home, and no answer. Argh! So I left a message, and tried his cell. Again no answer. Argh again! So I had to wait. Just because I can't have anything happen in my infertility journey without some form of waiting.

About an hour later, he called me back. He told me he and my step-mom had been out for dinner. My stomach dropped, because I really wanted to have this conversation when my step-mom wasn't around. I asked where my step-mom was now, and he said she had stayed out shopping. Whew, so he was alone.

So I launch into telling him that Mr. P and I will not be in town when they come to visit at the end of the month. I tell him that we've been trying to have kids for over 2 years, both a year on our own, and a year of doing 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs locally. We've decided to look outside the state for our care moving forward. So we will be at that clinic when they will be visiting here. He was not surprised to hear of the IF stuff, and suspected that we had been trying for awhile. I then said that the reason we had not told them what was going on sooner was mostly because of my step-mom. I told him while I knew she means well, she talks a lot and can unintentionally say hurtful things. He started to give advice on how I could talk to her about this, and I said that I didn't feel I could have that conversation directly with her. I asked him to talk to her instead of me, and he agreed.

He started to ask for details, like where we going, and what sort of treatment we were doing, but I said I really didn't want to get into doctor's names, given they were both physicians and they might have personal or professional opinions on our docs. He said ok. I also said that I didn't want to get into details of the treatment, and he was very cool about that, saying he felt that was personal, and between me and Mr. P. I did say that he shouldn't expect anything from us about this for awhile, I would not be pregnant soon.

He was very nice about it all, and although he fished around a few times about where we were going, what doc we were seeing, and what treatment I was beginning, he respected the limits I gave back. So he wished us good luck, we chatted for a few minutes more about my niece, and then got off the phone. About 20 minutes total for the call.

I feel good, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I still have the privacy and boundaries I need to have with them, but at least they understand some of where we've been coming from over the last year. He said it actually made more sense, looking back. So that's good too.

Now if this IVF crap would actually work, then I'd really have something to call them about!

Relaxation and War

Labor Day weekend was nice and relaxing. Mr. P and I stayed home, cooked, brunched, and watched baseball on TV. After traveling a lot in August, it was nice for both of us to be home, be together and just be. I tried to soak it in, because I have a feeling we won't have much of that in September.

But lurking, way back in the corners of my mind, there is a war going on. The classic, predictable, but very real war of my emotions about the upcoming IVF #3. Hope versus fear. Calm versus panic. Desire versus detachment.

In many ways, this feels like my first round of IVF, all over again. New clinic, new protocol, new meds, everything feels new. And with that, the excitement, the hope of newness. I want this to work so badly, I hope that we have finally gotten to the right place, the right diagnosis, everything right this time. I hope, I wish, I even occasionally believe. Just like I did the first time.

But I was so innocent then, so naive. That first time, I didn't even consider it wouldn't work. I mean, sure, we knew the stats, we knew the risks. But we never thought that would be us. Not really, truly, in our hearts. But I'm not that person anymore, how can I be? I've ridden this roller coaster, more than once, and I know all the curves, dips and free-falls before they are even in sight. I know.

And this knowledge fills me with doubt and fear. And the what ifs. Oh, those evil what ifs, they keep me up at night. They creep into a lazy, happy afternoon.

What if I don't respond well to this new protocol?
What if my eggs are suddenly bad quality?
What if we get no blasts?
What if there are no genetically normal ones?
What if this treatment for the sticky ute protein thing doesn't work?
What if this cycle fails?
What if I can't get pregnant?
What if we can't have kids?
What if (insert millions of other fears here)?

But there are two sides in a war, and the hope tries to rally, and I tell myself to calm down. Reframe. Distract. Try to be in the moment. Workout for endorphins. Anything else to keep the bad guys at bay. But I am struggling with it. Quietly, mostly. But it is always going on, in the back corners of my mind.

Please, let this work.

a taste of late summer

I have not posted about cooking in awhile, although I've been doing a fair amount of it. Corn on the grill, a new lemon vinaigrette, lots of grilled chicken every which way. But today, I felt like making something I grew up eating. And it is truly a taste of late summer, when the tomatoes are ripe and the basil is becoming overgrown. Or if you live in the city like me, the farmers' market is brimming with these items.

This is a recipe my mom called "Heartburn sauce" not because it causes you heartburn, but rather it is taken from Nora Ephron's book Heartburn. This is a recipe for those of you that don't like to cook, or think you can't. In fact, there is no cooking involved, except for boiling water.

Heartburn sauce
5-ish large tomatoes, peeled, seeded and chopped fairly small
1/3 to 1/2 cup of good E.V. olive oil
1 garlic clove, peeled and halved or smashed
1 cup basil, chopped
salt (a fair amount, I'd say 1-2 tablespoons of coarse salt)
red pepper flakes to taste

Mix everything together in a bowl. Let it sit on the counter for a few hours (do not refrigerate!). Fish out and remove garlic right before tossing with 1 lb. hot pasta. Serve with crusty bread to mop up the sauce.

It begins...again

Well, it's official. I started the IVF #3 cycle on Saturday. I began taking BCPs, which lasts for the next 2 weeks. I also picked up most of my meds at the pharmacy yesterday. Seeing all those meds makes it feel more real. And this time I'm on Men.opur and Nov.erel, which are the mix-and-inject meds. I've never had to mix my own meds before, so this feels a lot like my first IVF. Unsure about the meds, nervous anticipation about the injections. I'm sure it will become old hat after the first couple of times I do it, but it is new to me now.

And without being too graphic, I've had a wretched AF this time. Not really painful, but the ...umm ...texture ...ummm ...well, it was more like chunky monkey than vanilla. Blech. Not sure if that was because of the endo biopsy, or just the way things were this month. But, blech.

I'm also finalizing travel plans for my time at the far away clinic. I think I've settled on a hotel, mostly on dates. It is really happening! It seems surreal after so much waiting, we are beginning again.