cap-n-gown

**cue Pomp and Circumstance**

I've officially graduated! And I get to wear the poofy hat and velvet-striped get-up that doctoral grads get, because hell, I've worked my ass off and have earned it.

I have graduated from the far-away clinic.

My lab numbers were good enough to get the heave-ho. E2 was 1200-something, and that's been good all along. P4 was lower, at 18.4, but the nurse did not seem at all concerned that it was low (below 20). She said that number is produced all by me, and it was plenty high. So, ok, I'll trust her. They got me this far, right?

So, given the big developments of the last 2 days - given the boot by both docs that have been following me (well, one month f/u by my OB) - how am I feeling?

Mixed.

On one hand, I'm so excited to begin being a "normal" pregnant lady. Not going to the doctor's office all the time. Having plans that don't have to bend around injections or bedrest or blood draws. That part is really nice.

BUT. I'm still a product of many years of IF. Many failures, many times on the wrong side of the stats. So I've come to rely on frequent confirmation from docs about how I'm doing, and now, how the critter is doing. And now I have a long stretch of time before I get that outside reassurance.

I've thought about renting a doppler, but I'm just not so sure I need it. Yes, I'm nervous, but I'm not to the point of panic yet. I'm trying real hard to be "normal" here. I'm not sure why this is so important to me, but I seem to mention "normal" on here all the time. I guess I feel I've been robbed of many things going through IF, I am eager to have everyday experiences again. Trying to get my life back. Or getting the life I thought I'd have back on track.

So, graduation has brought on some worry, and some imbalance. I'm trying to manage it, and so far I'm doing ok.

But stay tuned...things change quickly around here.

big ole hooray!

The OB appointment went very well yesterday. Whew!

The SCH is much smaller this week, and was "barely worth measuring" said the u/s tech. Less than 1mm all around. Hooray!! I thought it might be, as my spotting has decreased a lot over the last week, but it was nice to get the official confirmation.

The critter was very active yesterday too, jumping up and down and waving his/her little gummy nubbin arms and legs. We've not seen her/him move around like that before, so that was fun. S/he also is looking more like a baby and less like a blob, and I could actually tell the head from the tush end. S/he continues to grow well, still a few days ahead.

We also heard the h/b on the doppler thingy for the first time. It sounded like Fozzie Bear saying "Wokka, wokka, wokka" really fast. It was sort of anti-climatic, since we already saw the baby and the h/b on the u/s, but it is good to know we can do the doppler thing now.

The doc was very pleased with this progress (as were we!) and said I only need to stay on take-it-easy rest for 1 more week. So this time next week, I can begin to take walks. I can leave the house. I can swim at the pool. Not all at once, but just the fact that I can have those possibilities is very exciting, and comforting too.

And I am off weekly monitoring! While I will miss seeing the critter every week, I'm psyched not to have to go to the doctor every other minute. I'm now on the normal pregnant lady schedule of monthly appointments. And today was also my last blood draw for far-away clinic hormone monitoring! No medical appointments in the near future!

Wow - what will I do with myself? Oh yeah, take walks and get the hell outta the house! Double yippee hooray!

Thumbs twiddling

Today makes 11 weeks. Hooray!!

And with 11 weeks, comes the end of some of the first trimester symptoms. Like nausea, which has waned significantly over the last 4 days. Now, instead of noon, afternoon and evening sickness, I only have right-before-bed sickness. A good trend, and hopefully it will continue into remember-when-I had-sickness? sickness.

And my chronic fatigue seems to have lifted a bit too. Granted, I still sleep an obscene amount of hours at night (punctuated by several bathroom breaks), but during the day, I actually am starting to feel alert. Not drugged.

Which on the surface would seem to be a good thing, right? Go out, enjoy the summer and all that.

BUT.

But I can't. Because I am still on take-it-easy rest. So while my body is telling me, "Let's go take a walk! It is so lovely outside today, and we've been cooped up forEVER!" I can't do it. No walking, no exercise.

Yesterday, I actually caught myself twiddling my thumbs. Seriously. That is how bored and antsy I've become. Resorting to cliche ways to express my boredom.

We go in for another u/s at the OB tomorrow. My spotting has really lessened this week, although it is not gone altogether. It seems to only happen (WARNING: TMI about to happen!!) with BMs. I poop, a little brown-ish mucous-y spotting, then nothing. So hopefully I'll get some good news tomorrow.

Fingers, when not twiddling, are crossed.

Just one more time!

I had my hormone monitoring this morning, and the weaning continues. E2 continues to rise slightly(1300-something), and p4 is down (21), but still in the desired range.

So tomorrow is my LAST SHOT!

My last PIO shot, hopefully for many many months. My last sticky estrogen patch, gunking up my tummy.

Hooray!!

I go for one last blood draw on Tuesday, and provided this goes well, I will be graduated from the far-away clinic!

I never thought I'd see this day. Truly.

I'm still on "take-it-easy" rest, still spotting light shades of brown (driftwood?), and still doing weekly checks with the OB. But all of that does not take away from the milestone of graduating from the far-away clinic. It feels like a very big deal.

YAY!

Double digits

Yup, I am in double digits with this pregnancy - 10 weeks now.

I am feeling a bit like the winds are out of my sails today though. I just got back from the OB, and while it is not bad news - not at all - I was hoping for more.

Basically, the u/s today showed no real change to the SCH. We got a better view and measurement of this thing, and it hovers in the 1.5-2mm range. It is actually several smaller clots, all bunched together. So no real surprise that I continue to have spotting. The critter looks great (thank every deity!) and is measuring at 10w4d with a hb of 176. S/he is happy as a clam in there.

So while the critter is doing great, and I'm happy for that (very very happy for that!!!), I'm feeling a bit melancholy that "take-it-easy" rest continues. I said to Mr. P that I just want to have a normal experience for once. He just looked at me and said, "Normal went out the window for us several years ago." And I guess he's right.

I am starting to get a bit stir-crazy. I miss running errands, and am getting tired of being so dependent on Mr. P to do everything around the house. You know you've been cooped up for too long when you miss running errands.

I think I went into this appointment hoping some restrictions would be lifted - although who knows why I would think that given nothing has changed on the spotting front. But that's what I hoped for, rational or not, and now I'm bummed to be stuck in the same place again. On the couch, that is.

So u/s monitoring again in a week. Until then, on the couch I lay. Or lie. Whatever, either way I'm ain't going nowhere.

EDITED to add: Ok, I just read this over, and really, I need to stop whining. Things are good, the baby is good. What more do I need? Stop being such a whiney bitch, Pie! Really!

Tapering update

I continue to taper down off my supplemental hormones - I seriously look forward to the day with no shots, no sticky patches.

I mean really - no treatment at all for potentially months on end? It boggles my mind. But it could be my reality in a few short weeks. I really look forward now to my "days off" - the every-other-day days where I don't have to get out of bed and immediately go into medical technician mode. And no weekly blood draws? Heaven.

E2 is still above 1000, so down to 1 patch (just 1!!) next Tuesday. And p4 was at 30, so down to 0.5cc (so little!!) every other day on Tuesday as well. Re-check again Thursday. If we stay on this pace, I'll be off meds a week from Tuesday. OMG!!

I might actually graduate from the far away clinic. My mind continues to boggle.

On the spotting front, it has been light, if any at all. I had a bunch of dark brown (chocolate? burnt sienna?) last week after my OB check, but this week it has stayed light, both in color (sandstone? british khaki?) and flow. I think this evil clot thing may actually be going away. But let's not get out hopes up just yet. Next scan is on Monday (scheduling issues have me coming in 2 days early), so we'll see then.

Have a great weekend!!

Good news!

Good news at the OB today! My SCH has shrunk from 4 to 1.5 (I'm not 100% on the unit of measurement - cm? mm? How big is this thing??). That is great news!! Keep reabsorbing, evil clot.

And the critter looked great too, still measuring a day or two ahead, with a nice strong heartbeat. We even tried today to use the doppler, to hear and not just see the h/b, but alas, it was not to be. I have a retroverted uterus (I can't just be simple and easy, no way!) so using a doppler on my tummy will not pick up the sound yet. But it was fun to try - I felt like it would be something normal pregnant ladies do - have goo put on your tummy (not on a dildo cam covered with a condom) and rub a little transducer thingy around your tummy (rather than have said dildo shoved up your cooch and moved around to the point of pain or peeing on someone).

So they will have me come in next week for another peek (LOVE my OB!) and hopefully it will be even smaller. On the same orders - take it easy, nothing up the hoo-ha, stay hydrated, no exercise, lifting, pushing, etc.

Bloodwork tomorrow to see how this weaning from PIO and patches is going.

9 weeks and 40 years

I'm in the 9th week now. Things are pretty much the same. Some various shades of very very light brown spotting. Still taking it super-easy. It is a good thing I'm so tired, or else I'd be bored, going stir-crazy. But I'm not, just tired. As I say to Mr. P, all this lying around really wears me out.

We have another u/s at the OB tomorrow morning. I'm eager to see how this SCH is looking. I'm hoping it is smaller (obviously). I'm so glad I get to have an u/s again, so soon. It really does help keep me sane. Fingers crossed for a good report tomorrow.

Today is Mr. P's 40th birthday. He took the week off of work, to hang around the house with me. And not be at work too. But it is crazy - I'm married to a 40-year-old man. Strange. It sounds so old! Thankfully, he will always be older than me. :)

We were going to have a party for him this weekend, at a local bar with a nice patio. But after all the bleeding, and subsequent resting, we've canceled the party. Mr. P said he would be too worried about me and the critter over-exerting ourselves to enjoy the party. And after the stress of it all, he said he wasn't feeling too festive anyway. Hopefully we can do something later in the summer, when things (hopefully) settle down.

So that's it. The lazy marathon continues. Fingers crossed for tomorrow!

blew right past me!

Damn, I missed my blog anniversary this week. Last year, on June 9th, I started this blog. After failing my first 2 IVFs.

I'm usually pretty bad about remembering birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I'm not a hugely sentimental person (are you shocked? yeah, not so much) so I generally don't do much to celebrate these milestones.

But I felt like I should acknowledge this - if for no other reason than to acknowledge how far things have come in a year. Quite a long way!

So happy blogoversary to me!

The taper

I had my weekly monitoring bloodwork done yesterday.

And my body is doing a good job! For once! Yay body!

This week I had cut down the estrogen patches from 4 to 3, but my e2 continues to rise, up to 1278. Good job body, making estrogen on your own!

But even better, my p4 increased! I stayed on the same dose this week, but my p4 rose considerably, up to 46.5. That is very good news, as it means my placenta (or the critter's placenta? I guess we share it) is beginning to produce progesterone! It is supposed to kick in around 9-ish weeks, so I'm right on time.

Given how little trust I have in my body's ability to do just about anything right, I am very happy with this weaning process. Keep it up, body!

So I drop to 2 patches, and down to 1cc of PIO every other day starting Tuesday, and more monitoring next Thursday. This means that next Wednesday, I will not have to do anything. No shots, no putting on patches. Nothing. Wow! That is exciting!! I think the last time I wasn't doing some sort of treatment was back in December. Sure, with the evil depot loopyron I was not doing a shot every day, but trust me, I was feeling the effects daily. So that counts as treatment in my mind.

One more step closer to becoming a normal person. Very exciting, indeed.

(Now if this SCH would just resolve quickly...but that's another story. I take the hope where I can get it!!)

1st OB visit

The appointment yesterday was good and bad.

First the good: I still really like my OB. She tells it like it is. She understands that we have worked very hard for this pregnancy. As she says, "It is very precious" and she is taking a conservative approach with me. Which means extra u/s's and monitoring throughout the (hopefully) next 32-ish weeks. Love it.

She also told me about a clinical study that is being conducted at the fancy research hospital that would entail 3-4 3D ultrasounds over the course of the pregnancy. They are measuring fetal growth or weight or something like that. But more u/s? And the super-fancy 3D kind? For free, or even get paid a small amount to do it? Hell yeah, sign me up.

We also did an u/s yesterday, and the critter looks great. Still growing on track, still heartbeating in the 150s. We even saw him/her move around a little. Sigh. Melted my heart completely.

Now the not so good (otherwise known as "the bad"): I do in fact have a subchorionic hemorrhage (SCH). This is the reason for the bleed last week, and will likely cause additional spotting and/or bleeding. Ugh. While I'm glad to know the cause for the bleeding, and I'm glad to know it is not directly or immediately impacting the critter, it is still a scary thing. Basically, from what I understand, it is a pocket of blood between the placenta and the uterus. It can impact the solid attachment of the placenta to the uterus. It increases my miscarriage likelihood.

There really isn't anything to do to treat it, other than what I'm already doing: take it easy. No lifting, pushing, pulling of anything. No working out, including walking far. Nothing of any sort up the hoo-ha. Lots of laying around.

And we wait. And watch.

My OB said that normally she'd say come back in 2 weeks for another u/s, but given how stressful this is (bleeding is not good for my mental health) she said I could come back in a week. Love her.

So here I am. On the couch, hanging out for the indefinite future. Trying not to stress, which sometimes works, and sometimes doesn't. I check the toilet paper constantly, and have "phantom leakage" sensations all the time. I continue to have those stretching, pulling, odd twinging sensations too. These used to reassure me that the baby was growing, and now they just stress me more.

But as of now, we are still both here, me and the critter. And that is a good thing, a thing to be grateful for.

I am very grateful.

8 weeks

First off, I intended to write and post this yesterday, but Blogger had other ideas. All day, Blogger was feeling cranky and would not let me access my account, or post, or comment. So if I missed commenting, know that I did. It is Blogger's fault.

Anyway, 8w2d today. 1 week anniversary since the bleeding incident. No significant bleeding since, and just the tiniest amount of beige (sandstone, perhaps?) discharge yesterday. I've continued to be incredibly lazy, which I thinks is helping. But, with less movement, I'm having less movement...uh...in my digestive track. Ugh, being backed up is uncomfortable. There is Cola.ce in my prenatal (smart prenatal people!) and it has gotten me this far. But since the laziness began, things have slowed. I might have to go back to the nasty-of-all-nasty aloe vera juice. Blech. (ETA: No can do on the aloe vera juice. Not good for pregnant ladies, can cause uterine contractions. Damn.)

Tomorrow I have my first OB appointment. Which is exciting. I found this OB last fall when I was getting a second opinion about removing my fibroid. While I ultimately did not follow her advice, I really liked this doctor's demeanor. She is originally from the East Coast, and being an EC transplant myself, the up-frontness makes me feel comfortable. So I'm excited to see her again.

I'm also excited to do something that normal people do. Normal pregnant people go to the OB. Granted, I'll be pretending that I'm a normal pregnant lady, but hey - at least it is a step in the being-normal direction.

And I think I'll get another u/s at this appointment. Which is always fun. We'll see if the critter has grown, and what s/he's up to. Hanging about my ute I'd guess, but maybe s/he's started a small import/export business in there. Who knows?

So that's it. Symptoms continue: afternoon/evening nausea, fatigue, food cravings.

Wish me luck tomorrow!!

Monitoring

All is well on the bleeding front. It has pretty much stopped, I occasionally get a khaki-colored bit of discharge, but that is no biggie. Anything in the brown family (khaki, fawn, beige, etc) is ok with me.

Granted, I've been very lazy since Tuesday. Taking it super easy. Not really leaving the house much, trying to stay as sedentary as possible. Thank your chosen deity that I have the flexibility in my life to do this.

I went in for monitoring of e2 and p4 on Thursday. My e2 continues to rise, which means my body is kicking some of it in on its own. I'm up to 1074, up from 781 last week, while on the same 4 patches. So beginning next Tuesday, I will cut down to 3 patches. Then check again next Thursday. Yay for less patches. Mr. P calls me "Patches McSticky" because I have either actual patches or leftover sticky residue all over my torso. Yuck. I swear, I'd rather do a shot any day over these yucky things.

As for the p4: After the bleeding nightmare of Tuesday, I stopped the prome.trium suppositories. I was just not keen at all to stick something up my fragile lady bits. So no surprise that my p4 went down, from 51 last week to 32.9. Still in a respectable range, but lower. So I stay on 1.5cc of PIO for at least the next week. Hopefully the placenta kicks in soon and the p4 goes up. And like I said, I am so happy to be done with the suppositories, I'd much rather stay on the PIO than deal with all the leaking goop of the suppositories.

So that's what is going on. Symptoms continue - nausea has kicked up a bit more, and I have to eat something small every 2-ish hours to keep from having the overwhelming HUNGER that comes. Still tired, although I've slept well the last few nights. I've fallen asleep so early. I'm sure the insomnia isn't gone forever, but I'm happy it is taking a break.

Have a great weekend, everyone!

resting

Thank you all for the well-wishes and commiseration. I loves you ladies!

I'm still taking it really easy, basically modified bedrest. Trips to the bathroom, and I will take a brief shower today (I reek!) but that's it. The bleeding has really tapered off. Last night it pretty much stopped, but this morning I have light spotting and when-I-wipe mostly brown, a little red, mucous-y (TMI?) discharge. I'm happy to see brown, let me tell ya. Brown is good. Brown I can handle. A whole lot better than red.

So, the post I should have done yesterday was an update from the weekend. And it is sort of related to the bleeding I think, because it was a really really busy weekend. Too busy I think. I don't think it is a coincidence that I had bleeding after this weekend. Clearly, I did too much.

But - it was fun. Friday was the Cubs, then rehearsal dinner for the wedding. Very nice, but we didn't stay too late. The wedding was Saturday, and it could not have been a more perfect, beautiful day. I was dressed and ready to go by 1:30pm, for a 3pm service. Afterward, we took the trolley around with the bride and groom to take pictures around the city. Reception at 6pm - very classy, lovely, fancy.

I'm sure people noticed I wasn't drinking, but no one said anything directly to me. I wasn't trying to hide it, no pretending to drink for me. But I'm sure it was noticed. Which is fine.

Went to the Cubs again on Sunday with my dad. Told him after the game, he was very excited. Told my step-mother after that. What's odd - the first question they both asked me was "How many?" I thought that was sort of a weird question to ask as the first question, but clearly they had thought that I might try for twins. I told them I was having one, and gave them a strange look. Who knows what else they were speculating about.

So all in all, a good weekend, but busy. And now, I have nothing busy to do. Rest, rest, and some more rest, those are my future plans!

All hell breaks loose

What a morning.

To not freak you out any more than I already am, everything is ok. For now.

But it was quite a roller-coaster. I woke up at 5am, feeling a little gush between my legs. Uh-oh. I got up and hustled to the bathroom, and see enough pink discharge to overflow my panty liner. Ugh. But it was only pink, not red, and seemed to stop after this initial gush. So I put in my protm.etium suppository and went back to bed.

As I lie down, I start to feel crampy. Not those stretching, pulling feelings - these were full-on menstrual cramps. Uh-oh. It also feels like I need to have a BM, so back to the bathroom I go.

I sit on the toilet, and feel another gush. Bright red this time. I wipe, and it is that dark red, fully oxygenated, fresh blood. Oh shit. The toilet is red with blood. A small-ish clot on the tp. Oh double shit.

I rush back into the bedroom, wake up Mr. P, lie down, and tell him the deal. I call the far away clinic and wake up the doc on call. Not my regular doc. He sounded sleepy. He tells me to get an u/s today, and to "remain sedentary" today. Uh, ok. He tells me bleeding is common, and not to freak out yet. Easier said than done.

So Mr. P and I decide to just show up at the local clinic when they open at 7am. We do this, and after some confusion, they say they can't see me without written doctor's orders. OMG. They recommend I go to the ER. OMG! After talking to the doc on call again (he sounded more awake this time) he said I had to wait about an hour for the far away clinic to open to have a nurse fax orders.

Mr. P and I camp out on a couch at the local clinic, trying to figure out what to do. Should we go home, wait here, go to the ER? 5 minutes later, local famous doc comes out and says, "Of course we will see you, please come in." He was so nice. Thank God.

So we go in for the u/s, and I'm still bleeding a little - less than earlier, but still some. Bright red. Cramping less.

In goes the wand, and the tech says, "Let me look first, see what's going on and then I'll show you." Uh, ok. I'm barely breathing at this point, who am I to argue?

She quickly says, "I see the heartbeat." And I begin to cry. First tears of the morning.

I was trying so hard to keep it together, stay rational, make good decisions - whatever needed to happen to keep this kid safe. But now that I saw him, and he was still heartbeating, and measuring at 7w4d (2 days ahead!) - well, I could finally exhale. And cry. And let myself feel it. I'm crying again as I type this. It was so overwhelming. It still is.

The tech took some measurements, and saw no real reason for the bleeding. No subchorionic hemorrhage. Nothing out of the ordinary that she saw.

We met with the super-nice famous local doc afterward, and he basically said bleeding happens sometimes. Not sure why, but it does. Take it easy. And kindest of all, he said if I felt off or bad or whatever over the next week, or whenever, I could come see them without an appointment, without orders. He said, "Because peace of mind is worth everything."

True that.

Now I'm home, doing bedrest. I told Mr. P I'll be on self-imposed bedrest for the next 9-ish months. He fixed me a cooler next to the bed, so I don't have to go downstairs for anything. He was so great during it all. Calm, keeping a hand on my back, my leg, keeping me feeling less alone. So sweet, that man.

I'm still bleeding, but much lighter than before. It seems to be tapering off. Fingers crossed it stays that way. Cramping has lessened to almost nothing. Staying super-hydrated. Stopping the prome.trium per my nurse, and staying at a higher dose of the PIO, instead of tapering today like I was supposed to. Going to discontinue the baby aspirin - if I get the final ok from Dr. Famous.

I said to Mr. P on the drive home that it was all going too smoothly, too easily. It makes sense I was due for a full-on scare. I became complacent. I thought I was a normal lady again. HA! Mr. P said he's been waiting for the shoe to drop. Waiting for disaster right around the corner. Funny how we wear our scars in different ways.

I'm still here. So is the critter. What a morning for both of us. Whew. Although I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. In and out. In and out. In and out.