It's baaack!

Things have gone into prep mode around here, getting ready for my travel to the far away clinic Thursday for my Friday transfer. I need to get some consents notarized today - so glad the Critter's godfather is a notary! - and get packed and ready.

I tell ya, getting one good bit of news, like Saturday's good lining report, has made me hopeful again. Yikes. It is scary to see how easily that damn hope creeps back in, rearing its ugly head yet again. I'm trying not to get too hopeful, but it is hard to not think about sometimes. When would the due date be? How old would the Critter be then? Could my family come to visit?

Not good. I mean, good to be positive I guess, but not very protective of me.

Sigh, the IF roller coaster chugs on, up and down, playing with my emotions. Just wake me in 9-ish months, with a sweet newborn in my arms, m'kay?

EDITED to add: I forgot to mention, I had my p4 check this AM, and I'm at 15. Nurse says they want over 5, so I'm good to go. I swear, I feel like every time I get the p4 checked there is a different number they want. Failed FET it was 19-something, Critter FET it was 13 I think. Whatever, if they say its ok, then its ok. 2 ass shots down, hopefully many more weeks to go!

Hooray!

Hooray! Finally, some good news around here.

I went in for my lining check this morning (7:15am, yawn) and I am at 9.something! They want between 8-12, so 9.something is right in there!! And nicely striped too!! Hooray!

While I have not heard directly from my nurse yet to give me the "official" thumbs-up, this is not my first rodeo by any means, so I'm confident enough to book airfare and waxing appointments. Ya know, all the important stuff that needs to get done before I leave on Thursday.

It's on, peoples! Transfer is Friday!

EDITED to add: lining 9.2 and e2 332. good lookin'!

Thinking about the what if

I'm still here. Just twiddling my thumbs until Saturday, when I go in for the u/s and blood work. The one that measures my lining, makes sure it is between 8-12, nice and fluffy and striped and pretty. The one that lets me book my airline tickets and confirms that 8/30 will be my transfer date.

The one I failed last time.

I'm going through the scenarios in my head - what if my lining is thin again this time? Should I ask to postpone? Try again later, wait for a better lining? Or should I stall a week like last time, give it time to grow more, and hope that won't compromise things?

I'm feeling more scared about it, as this will be my last try ever. That makes it feel more meaningful, more important that it be just right.

What would you do if it comes back too thin?

e2 blood work results

To document, for the record, and all that.

My e2 yesterday was still low (shock of all shock, NOT!) at 41.8. Not as low as the recent failed FET (31-ish) but not as high as my low e2 in the Critter's FET (46-ish). I've never gotten to the elusive 50+ they want at this check.

Good news is I don't have to do the yucky oral or (shudder) vaginal estrace this time. I just upped my patches from 1 to 4 and we will see where it all stands when I go in for the fateful lining check on the 25th. This is exactly what I did with the Critter FET, so I'm happy about that. I suspect 40 is the magic cutoff number - above 40, just up the patches, below 40 and you're stuck with estrace.

We had a busy morning (Nana's birthday brunch!) so the Critter hasn't yet noticed the explosion of patches on my tummy. Can't wait til she sees the patch party I got going on!

Patch

My daughter has a minor obsession with belly buttons at the moment. She loves hers, and recently has become interested in other people's as well. And of course, we fed the "bee-bo" obsession by reading "Belly Button Book" umpteen times.

So at least four times a day, she asks to see my bee-bo. And by ask I mean she says bee-bo and lifts up my shirt and looks for it. Then sticks her finger in and laughs. Then looks for her own bee-bo. Then wonders how Dada's bee-bo is doing, far away at work. And repeat.

These days though, she has discovered something on my tummy far more interesting that any bee-bo. She has found my patch.

My viv.elle estrogen patch.

And she looooves it. She loves to poke at it, pick at the edges, kiss it (air kisses only) and otherwise entertain herself with it. She asked what it was ("That?") and I told her it was my patch.

Now she knows the word "patch" and specifically asks to see my patch now, not my bee-bo. I am just waiting for a) her do to this in public, say at the checkout line at Tar.get and/or b) ask to see someone else's patch. Sigh, the child of an infertile, the things they come up with!

I do hope all this patch love is helping me absorb the lovely estrogen, and is helping build a beautiful fluffy lining. I will find out tomorrow when I go for a blood check of my e2 level. Wish me luck.

Just you wait, Critter, til I have 4 patches on my gooey tummy. Soon, baby, soon.

19 months

Good lordie, Critter Girl, you had a busy month! And you are now officially closer to two than you are to one, which blows Momma's mind wide open. Let's see what went on this month:

NUMBERS! OMG, you know your numbers. I about fell off my chair (good thing I was sitting on the playmat with you) when we were playing with blocks and you started telling me the numbers on all of them. Just like that, bam, correctly identifying the numbers 0-10. No slow learning curve for you! One day, no numbers, next second, all the numbers. And you can count now too. Yikes, Momma thinks you are a baby genius. And you are learning your alphabet letters too. You have ABC down, love H and I and think Z is super funny.

Language! You know the possessive "s" now, so everything has become either Critter's or Mommy's. Sometimes Daddy's and rarely Cat's. And you have added -ing to a few verbs (cooking! eating! sleeping! cutting!). And your vocabulary knows no boundaries, it expands by several words a day it seems. It is amazing to witness this growth on a daily basis.

Shy! You have suddenly become shy around people you don't know. You will just close your eyes and freeze, like if you can't see them and don't move, they can't see you. But I know you are peeking through your lashes, I see you smile sometimes when you get caught peeking. You will also sometime cover your eyes with new people, but again, you peek through your fingers. You think you are so tricky!

You took a trip on an airplane this month, you started Gymboree class, your hair became long enough to put a barrette in it! I love watching you grow and figure out your place in the world, Critter Girl. As the cashier at the pet food store said, you are a happy little girl. I'm so happy I get to be there to watch it. I love you so very much.

Funky

Its been awhile since I last posted. I keep looking at the blog, every day in fact, but something keeps holding me back from posting. I feel like I'm in some sort of blog funk. I know my commenting has been pretty crappy too, I'm sorry for that.

I know it goes hand in hand with how I'm feeling about this upcoming cycle. I'm in a funk about that too. I just want it over, I just want to be put out of my misery and move on with my life. Its all I think about really, what I'll do when my body is returned to me this last and final time.

I'm feeling more and more resentful about IF these days, just pissed about it. Irritated that I have to go through all these hoops, with no guarantee of success at the end. I'm sure the hormones are helping this wonderful outlook. I got my period today in fact, so the real deal prep starts this week. Whooptie-do.

So yeah, it does not make for happy posts. And really? I don't even feel like writing about it much. It's not the kind of funk that needs an outlet, that needs to be processed and thought about and written about to make it better. It's a funk that if I don't think about IF, I feel pretty good. I want to just live my life, which I'm doing IRL. IRL I am with the Critter every day, and we have so much fun. She is such a great kid, we are the luckiest of lucky to have made such a good one.

Online/IF funk it is. Real life, my life outside of IF, things are going pretty good.