Being a SAH mom, you tend to find friends who are other SAH moms. It just makes sense, you are both wrapped up in caring for your kid(s), have the same type of schedule, etc.
I realized I had no SAHM friends last year, when the Critter was about 4-5 months, and reached out on a local moms internet site. Which was great. I met a SAHM who lives only a few blocks away, with a daughter who is about 2 months younger than the Critter. We've joined crawlers play classes together, hit the park, took walks, did playdates. I met some other moms through her.
Then, she began talking about #2. And within weeks, was pregnant.
It was like a kick in the gut. I mean, I know she is much younger than me (another weird thing about being an IFer, you are often much older than all the other moms. another weird reflection post in there somewhere), and wants to have 3-4 kids. So of course her and her hubby would have sex....and there you go. This is how normal women do it. I know this.
But still. As I'm stressing about the logistics of my upcoming FET schedule, making travel and childcare arrangements, flying to the far away clinic to get my work up, injecting myself with expensive medications not covered by my insurance - all the normal IFer crapola - she is having sex with her husband. For free. Over the course of a month. And voila! She's pregnant.
It's just hard. She knows about my IF issues, and I think she is as kind as she can be about being mindful, blah,blah,blah - but I don't think there is any way it can't hurt. The situation is there, it hurts.
I try not to let it become an issue between us, but sometimes I know I'm a bit more distant. It is just my way of protecting myself, distancing myself, withdrawing. I think it has impacted us a bit. Which sucks.
It's amazing all the little (big) ways that IF impacts my life. Sure, family building is impacted. We'll likely have less kids than we would have if it had been easy, and free. But IF has impacted our ability to move to a family home (all the money spent to have the Critter and #2 - there goes the down payment!). And it impacts friendships, as seen with my fertile friend.
Sigh. Nasty bitch, that IF.
Repeat: Cold Peace
1 day ago
I toally get it. I was thinking the other day about how I had wanted at least 2 children if not 3 and now I will only get one pregnancy and child (fingers crossed that I even get that) and it stung. And you're right about the age difference. When I'm around the LG and his school mates I see the parents that are around my age...they have 9 and 10 year olds and here I am about to start fresh (hopefully). IF takes a lot from us...our time, our money, our hope, our dreams, our strength and yes, even some of our friends. It sucks ass. I hope that you can stay connected to your friend and that IF doesn't drive a wedge between you. It's hard to make meaningful connections so I hope that IF doesn't ruin it for you.
ReplyDeleteMy DH asked me last night (and I might post about this on my blog) what the next thing was on the "list" for the baby making thing. I chuckled and told him that I start my shots Friday morning and then go in for my supression check next Friday and if all goes well I'll start my estrogen shots that night. Then I said, "don't you wish the answer to your question was that the next step was to have sex to make a baby?" He laughed and said, "yeah, that would be much easier". I couldn't agree more.
Ugh. I'm sorry that you are confronted with someone's pregnancy on a daily basis. It is like a kick in the chest and just hurts. I know that we are different than your SAHM friends, but there are other old IF moms out there who get it and hope that the sting subsides soon.
ReplyDeleteI recently felt the sting when we had to have a JUDGE tell us we were a family. Yet another way to feel strange and different and have so much intrusion on what should be private. Sorry for the gut punch.
ReplyDeletei know how you feel, i don't want anymore kids right now, but infertility always sort of stays with you, how thoughtful of it, right?
ReplyDeleteIt's a sting that never completely goes away, but I hope that you will be able to continue to be friends without it being too difficult. And at least you know that we are here to commiserate with you when necessary.
ReplyDeleteThat is so hard. It's hard also because once you have had a kid everyone thinks you are "normal" and the filters go away. It's a tough transition, hopefully you will be right there with her soon!
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled across you blog and had to comment and say I would totally feel the same way. I don't think I've come across one infertile who isn't affected by a pregnancy announcement. Even though we know it doesn't mean a loss or a BFN for us, it still stings for whatever reason.
ReplyDelete