9 week status report

The Critter Girl is 9 weeks old today. Amazing.

She is really starting show herself more and more. The smiles are more frequent, which honestly, makes everything yucky totally worth it. I think she will be an observer though, versus a really outgoing girl, as she will just watch before trying to engage. Much like her mom, to be honest. But the smiles, when you get one, whoosh, it totally melts me every time. I feel like I've earned it.

She is also sleeping like a champ. She has begun to miss/sleep through her 2nd night feed (an early morning one around 4-5am) and just does her 1-2am. So sleeping from 7 til 1-2, feed, then through til 7-8am. Wow. It's like she is growing up right before my eyes. "No Mom, I don't need that newborn baby feed anymore. And by the way, can I borrow the car tonight for my date with Butch?" Ahhhh!

This week should be interesting, Mr. P is going away on business early Tuesday AM through late Thursday night. That will be the longest me and Critter Girl have been on our own. I am hoping we can stay on routine, and the Critter doesn't get too out of whack without Daddy. He is an important part of our nighttime/sleepytime routine, so she may miss him. Fingers crossed for us.

2 months old

Oh, not-so-little Critter Girl, you are already 2 months old today. Can you believe it?

I look at you and think, you've always been like this. But I look at pictures from the last 2 months, and you have grown and changed so much. You now weigh 11 lbs, 10.5 oz and are 22 inches long. It really is amazing how big you've gotten, and how you reveal yourself to us more and more every day.

Your latest tricks include loving to watch Mommy and Daddy when we talk, specifically watching our mouths move. Then your mouth begins to move too, with and without sounds. It is really cute. Your smile welcomes me every morning when I come in to your room and say Good Morning to you. You still love your full-body 3 minute (at least!) morning stretch, it breaks my heart every time. You like tummy time on my tummy, raising your head to look at me.

We still don't know what eye color you'll have, they are still grey-ish, but I'm betting on brown, like mine. Daddy thinks hazel, like his. We will have to wait and see.

You have discovered your hands, and love to suck on your pointer finger knuckle and thumb area. Loudly. You love some knuckle lip-smacking. You also are starting to coo and make new noises, every day a new sound comes from your lips. You have begun to look at yourself in a mirror, and smile when you do.

You are more interactive every day, and I really enjoy watching your personality emerge. Mommy and Daddy (and Umpkins too!) love you very much. Happy 2 month birthday, little girl.

Sweet Sleep

It is truly amazing what a good night's sleep can do for my outlook on...well everything. And by good night's sleep, these days that is 5.5 hours, up for 1 hour feeding, then another 4 hours. Oooh, isn't that just luscious?

That is all. Enjoy your sleep too. Tiger blood got nothing on sleep.

Cruel Irony

Ok, ok, I've calmed down over here. Sorry for the nasty rant last time, I just can't believe after everything else that my body has messed up on, it continues to fail me. It is super-frustrating.

Anyway, I went to the OB on Friday afternoon, and yup, mastitis. Both boobs, worse in rightie. So I'm on antibiotics - and not one of those easy Z-Pac things, oh no. Pills 4 times a day for 10 days, and taken on an empty stomach. Never mind that I'm breastfeeding (more on that in a sec) and hungry all the time. Sigh, I just can't win here.

And yes, I'm still breastfeeding. In fact, the same infection that was the straw that broke this breastfeeder's back, the one that made me throw in the towel without remorse (but maybe with some anger?). That same infection is forcing me to continue breastfeeding indefinitely. As my OB said, don't change anything about my breastfeeding routine now, it will only worsen the infection. Oh great. Can't you just taste the irony??

And I'm going to have to be super-careful and slow when I do try to wean her, as the mastitis may come back as my body adjusts to making less milk. Ugh. So it looks like the Critter may just get her breastmilk through 5-ish months anyway, whether I want it or not.

I am glad she is such a flexible girl though, she is ok with boob or bottle, from me or from dad or whoever. And so far, she is ok with antibiotic-tainted milk, which everyone assures me is totally safe for her to eat. I was warned she may get a little more tummy upset (like anyone could from antibiotics) but knock on wood, so far so good. I'm eating yogurt like it's my job.

So that's the story here, from If-it-can-go-wrong-it-will land. Still making milk, still a cow. Moo.

I HATE my Boobs

If you are offended by vulgar language, go away now. Shit's about to get ugly.

I fucking hate my boobs. And yes, I fucking hate breastfeeding. No more of this "actively dislike" crap, I hate hate hate it! Yes, I may have just stomped my feet like a toddler when I typed that.

Things have devolved around here. I had been planning on a slow wean, over the next month or 6 weeks. However, my fucking boobs had a different plan.

My fucking boobs have ached/hurt pretty much on and off since I began breastfeeding. I chalked it up to all the problems with engorgement that I've had, and didn't think much of it. Sometimes it would hurt to hug Mr. P, which is sad. Anyway, this week, my nipples began to hurt again. This was new since they toughened up several weeks ago. But again, I thought maybe the Critter wasn't latching well all of the sudden. I couldn't really account for the new burning sensations in my fucking boobs, or the shooting and stabbing pain either. But who has time to really think about these things with a 7 and a half week old infant to care for? Not I.

And yesterday I felt tired. Super-tired, but we had a sorta bad night, so no surprise there. Tired is constant these days. And head-achy too, but that tired head achy feeling. I thought nothing of it.

Well, I'm sure you can see where this is going. By last night, the fever began. Started as a low-grade fever, 99.2. When I got up to pump at 1am, because my fucking boobs are engorged and won't let me sleep, I was up to 100.5. Fuck. And I really felt like crap by this point, given the fever and all. All over aches, sore, chills, sweats. In addition to all the boob pain. All sorts of fucking fun. Fuck me.

So it looks like I have mastitis. Otherwise known as a fucking breast infection. My boobs hurt like hell, but they are still cranking out the milk. Of course. So they hurt from infection, AND are engorged. Fucking typical. And apparently, the milk is fine for the Critter to drink, so I'm now pumping and feeding her with bottles, because the thought of her sucking on my inflamed nipples is a fucking nightmare. I go to my OB this afternoon to get checked out, and most likely start antibiotics. Joy.

Can I please just stop this fucking breastfeeding crap? Please? Because this is the last straw. I fucking HATE breastfeeding.

Out and About

In non-baby news, I've gotten out of the house again! Hooray!

It has been such crappy weather for the last umm...2 months, I've barely been outside. Housebound while it snows and snows then ices and snows some more. Blech. But in the last week, it has thawed some, and the sun came out. I've done so much, I'm feeling almost like a normal person again. I got my nails done - ahhhh, so nice, my toes were super-scary - and I've been out to lunch TWICE! Will wonders never cease...

It really is good for the psyche to see a little sunlight. I wonder if the Critter had been born in June if we would have been out more, out and about earlier than 7 weeks. Or would I still have been a walking zombie for the first 6 weeks and been homebound anyway? Hard to say. But I tell ya, I'm really really super-really looking forward to spring and summer. I love my stroller (Bumbleride Indie in the red color), and I plan on getting lots of use out of it. That Critter girl will be very mobile.

Yay Sunlight!

So boring, more sleep stuff, yawn

Interesting feedback from the last scandalous post. Nice to know many of you feel like I do, although you are very very quiet about it! I was also thinking about how I know I'm weaning at 5-6 months anyway, so we can begin to work on Number 2 (we have 3 more euploid blasts on ice, you know). I wonder if this was not the plan, if the Critter was it for us, if I would feel differently. If I would cherish this experience more. Maybe.

Anyway, things are really beginning to stabilize around here (knock on wood, please don't jinx me!) routine-wise. The Critter has really taken to the Whisperer routine (not schedule, not clock/time-dependent) of Eat-Activity-Sleep. She has been on about 3 hour cycles with this, so about 30 minutes to eat, burp, cuddle, then about 45-ish minutes of activity (although this time varies a lot) then nap. She has been napping anywhere from 45 min to almost 2 hours, it just depends. But she goes down easily, as long as I catch her sleepy cues (2 yawns and one eye droop) and put her down in her crib before she falls fully asleep. If I catch this, she is down right away. If she already falls asleep, or just gets cranky, it can be even more disruptive to put her down. The opposite of what I'd think, but hey, whatever works.

We've been trying to come up with an evening routine, what we do before we put her down for her big sleep. Many people recommend bathtime, but we've decided against this, at least for now. We just do a face and hands wash, diaper change, into fresh jammies, and then lullabyes and a backrub/cuddle. It seems to be relaxing for her, so hopefully she'll begin to pick up on the sameness of it each night, as a signal for "Time for bed". She's been sleeping 6-ish hours, then we feed her, and she sleeps for another 3-4 hours. Pretty good for a 7 week old, I think. I'm feeling more rested, that's for sure.

See, I really have become one of those moms that can only talk of boobs and sleep. Ugh. Mr. P and I have planned a date night for Friday, my MIL is babysitting. Looking forward to being an adult for a bit.