If you are offended by vulgar language, go away now. Shit's about to get ugly.
I fucking hate my boobs. And yes, I fucking hate breastfeeding. No more of this "actively dislike" crap, I hate hate hate it! Yes, I may have just stomped my feet like a toddler when I typed that.
Things have devolved around here. I had been planning on a slow wean, over the next month or 6 weeks. However, my fucking boobs had a different plan.
My fucking boobs have ached/hurt pretty much on and off since I began breastfeeding. I chalked it up to all the problems with engorgement that I've had, and didn't think much of it. Sometimes it would hurt to hug Mr. P, which is sad. Anyway, this week, my nipples began to hurt again. This was new since they toughened up several weeks ago. But again, I thought maybe the Critter wasn't latching well all of the sudden. I couldn't really account for the new burning sensations in my fucking boobs, or the shooting and stabbing pain either. But who has time to really think about these things with a 7 and a half week old infant to care for? Not I.
And yesterday I felt tired. Super-tired, but we had a sorta bad night, so no surprise there. Tired is constant these days. And head-achy too, but that tired head achy feeling. I thought nothing of it.
Well, I'm sure you can see where this is going. By last night, the fever began. Started as a low-grade fever, 99.2. When I got up to pump at 1am, because my fucking boobs are engorged and won't let me sleep, I was up to 100.5. Fuck. And I really felt like crap by this point, given the fever and all. All over aches, sore, chills, sweats. In addition to all the boob pain. All sorts of fucking fun. Fuck me.
So it looks like I have mastitis. Otherwise known as a fucking breast infection. My boobs hurt like hell, but they are still cranking out the milk. Of course. So they hurt from infection, AND are engorged. Fucking typical. And apparently, the milk is fine for the Critter to drink, so I'm now pumping and feeding her with bottles, because the thought of her sucking on my inflamed nipples is a fucking nightmare. I go to my OB this afternoon to get checked out, and most likely start antibiotics. Joy.
Can I please just stop this fucking breastfeeding crap? Please? Because this is the last straw. I fucking HATE breastfeeding.
Repeat: Cold Peace
1 day ago
Ugh. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this!
ReplyDeleteDon't let anyone make you feel guilty if you decide to switch to formula. Most important thing is happy, healthy baby, and critter's gonna be happier & healthier if mama's happy & healthy, too!
Thinking of you.
Hell yes you can stop... and SCREW anybody who downs you for it. Are they suffering? Are they wracked with fever and chills? Are they being kept from ENJOYING their baby because of throbbing mammary glands. Nope. They sure aren't. N if you HATE doing it... believe me... you are doing more damage to yourself by continuing it. You got the thumbs up here. :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so, so very sorry. You should not have to feel guilty for not bf the critter anymore. It's your body, your choice. It's obviously not worth all the stress and pain and sickness that it's causing you. BF is not for everyone...and that's ok. You have to think about what works for you and your family. Again, I'm so sorry about all of this. (((hugs))) - but just little hugs because I don't want to hurt you. :-)
ReplyDeleteOh Pie! I am so sorry! You need to stop breastfeeding now. Can you stop cold-turkey or does that make it worse? Get on your antibiotics and work out a plan to stop breastfeeding!!! I hope the antibiotics kick in really quickly and bring you some relief. I just can't even imagine how much this sucks.
ReplyDeleteHoney, step away from the breastfeeding. All baby needs is a happy mommy. Promise.
ReplyDeleteYes, you can stop. Happy mommy is more important than breastfed baby ... this from a woman who breastfed her first child for a year, pumping four times a day at work. You need to be SANE!!
ReplyDeleteI'm so so sorry that you're going through all of this! I had very mixed feelings about bfing, too, and I completely support you in stopping whenever you want and/or can do so. At a certain point, it's just not worth it. The good news is that you'll eventually look back at all this and know that you did your best and that your best WAS good enough. Full stop.
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself!