good...i guess

I'm home. So happy to be back home. That was a hard trip for me to take alone, given my state of uncertainty. Mr. P stayed home with the Critter, and I went alone to have my lady bits poked and prodded.

The ODWU went well. It was good...I guess. My ovaries did not shrivel up and turn to dust the moment I turned 40, so that's good news. My AFC is about the same as it always is, it was at 13 this visit. More on the right than the left, per usual. I had completely forgotten that I did blood work in October, so I didn't have to do all the big stuff again. AMH then was 0.8, not great, by not the worst they've seen, by far. Ute cam hysteroscopy was normal, as usual.

So there it is - I am just slightly less fertile than I was when I made the Critter. Basically the same as then.

I should be jumping for joy. And there is part of me that is. But some of me is sort of...meh. And another part that is just plain ole pissed off.

I expressed my meh-ness to my nurse, who said to me, "Ya know, this is all voluntary. No one is forcing you to cycle again." Which is very true. Mr. P is not forcing me, no one is. My response to her was that I wanted the end result, not the process. And that's it in a nutshell, isn't it?

I want to be a normal fertile person, and fuck, it is really pissing me off that I have to go through all the crap, time, expense, heartache, just to complete my family. Which could very well already be complete, my own desires be damned.

So that's where I am. Mad at the universe for my infertility. Right back to fucking square one.

Is this thing still on?

Wow. So that was a blog break, huh?

It was not intentional, such a long break. It just sort of happened. Life took over, with moving (good gravy, moving sucks), unpacking (still ongoing, 3+ months later, yikes), a birthday (40. Poop.) and well, just living. Then weeks away turned into months away, and then it was hard to think about what to say when (if?) I posted again. You know how that is? You let so much time elapse that it becomes harder and harder to restart? Just me? Hmmm.

But here I am, back again. Wanna know why? I'll give you a hint. This is an IF blog.

Yup. Here we go again.

In fact, I'm writing this from the far-away city. I'm in a hotel, a few short miles from the far-away clinic. And I am a few short hours away from enduring yet another (good lord, is this my 3rd??) one day workup.

To say I have mixed feeling about this is a gross understatement. On the one hand, I would love nothing more than to have another child. To make the Critter a big sister, a role which I am absolutely sure she would rock. To get to do it all again, one last time. No question, I want that. And if it were an easy prospect, I would want it badly. But since it has proved to not be an easy prospect, well. Let's just say I've shielded my heart enough to just want it, without the badly part. Most days.

But as I was flying here, bumping along in a crowded plane alone, I thought to myself, "What in the fuck am I doing?? I should be home with my daughter." And all the conflicted thoughts came pouring out. I'm way too old for this (shit, I should have covered my grey roots before this trip). How am I going to manage caring for my daughter while going through all the crazy that is a fresh cycle? The monitoring? The hormones? The bloating? How??

I told Mr. P before I left that I go into tomorrow in reconnaissance mode. It is a fact finding mission, to see if doing a fresh cycle at my age, in my current state (feeling fat and slow), is even in the cards. I'm not totally committed to going through this yet, and I want to see my workup results before agreeing to anything. And I have to admit, there is part of me that wants this workup to tell me to just stop. Crap AFC, fucked up hormones. Something that makes Dr. Famous tell me that he would not proceed with my eggs. That would be all I need. All I need to be ok with walking away.

I told my OB a few weeks back during my annual that this cycle will be a very expensive stab at closure. Maybe that is what this is. Seeking closure, seeking the ok to stop. Because one thing I have realized in the last few days I have lost the hope. I mean I must have some. I'm here, aren't I? But the hope is at an all time low. Closure, that's what I'm after these days.

Closure in the form of a wailing newborn? Well, that would be a nicer form of closure than what I'm predicting will actually happen.

2 years ago today

Two years ago today the Critter made her entrance into our life. Butt first, peeing all over the doctor before issuing a hearty wail. I remember it clearly, waiting for that wail. The signal that it just might all be ok, finally, for once.

Of course, then she ended up in the ICU for a few days with some pretty major jaundice. And then we endured breastfeeding trials, mastitis, and some bumpy hormonal post-partum crazies. And her first solid foods, sitting up, teething, cruising, babbling, walking and talking.

Here we are, 2 full years later. The Critter has become, as we have told her now, "no longer a baby, now you're a big girl!" And she is. She has been talking so much, lots of 3 word sentences, real subject-verb sentences, maybe with an adjective thrown in. She has been peeing in her potty every night (that whole potty training thing deserves another post - suffice to say, I'm not ready to start for real til after we move). She has a sense of humor, and loves nothing more than to be "a silly goose" to make Mama laugh. She loves music, to dance, to sing along with Rock-n-Roll Elmo, his microphone in her hand.

Putting her to bed tonight, after our fun-filled day of a birthday balloon, Gymbo class, lunch with Nana, a cupcake with two candles, and lots of singing Happy Birthday, my heart just swelled. We are so lucky to have such a sweet girl, such a great disposition she has. I am so lucky to stay home with her, to get to witness her daily growth, all the new things she does. I could not be more happy to be her mother, for her to be my baby, even if she is becoming a big girl.

Today is a lucky day. Just as it was two years ago. Luckiest day of my life.

Happy (belated) New Year

I'm a terrible blogger. And I state the obvious way too much.

Moving on.

A new year. I'm very curious to see where this year will take us, our little family. The years of IF torture, well, they were stagnant years. Wanting to move forward with our lives, but couldn't.

Then the Critter, my sweet, wonderful girl came into our lives - 2 years ago next week. And we have been getting used to the new normal, the new lives we inhabit now as a family of three (really four, including Umps the cat). It has been great. Simple as that.

But this year, 2013, it may hold the biggest changes we've been through yet. Mr. P is getting his career in order, and will have much more flexibility in his current job, while also pursuing a start-up thing on the side. I'm proud of him, he is taking some risks, and so far things seem to be paying off. He will be around more, more involved in our daily lives, which is always a good thing.

We are also moving to the 'burbs. In like 3 weeks. On my birthday. OMG, we are going to be suburbanites. My dear Mr. P has never lived outside the city limits before. Seriously, he has lived in a very urban environment his entire life. I think he is more excited than anyone. I'm looking forward to more space. I will actually have a pantry - I cannot even begin to describe my excitement over having a real honest-to-goodness pantry. My heart flutters just writing that. So yeah, major life change happening there, in just a few weeks.

And then there is the whole baby-making thing. I am thinking I am ready to try IVF, the one more time. I know I keep waffling around about this. But I guess right now, in this moment at least, it just feels like things are lining up that we could really give it a try. The Critter would just be such a good big sister, I feel like for her at the least, we need to try.

So yeah, this could be a big year for us. Exciting times.

our conversation

I needed to get that last post off the top - blech. Not that I have much to write about now, but I just felt compelled to get it off.

Soooo, how are you doing? What's new? Yeah? That sounds interesting, tell me more.

Oh, I'm ok. Just the same old stuff around here. Yeah, Critter is great, she only sort of understands this whole Christmas thing. Yeah, she is sort of scared of Santa still, but conversely has become obsessed with the "Twas the Night Before Christmas" book she got last year. She looks at Santa with fear and awe. I guess that's about right.

Me? Oh, I'm fine. Still freaked out by people, crowds, but whatever, I'll get over it I guess. My ovaries? Eh, they are the same too. Still not sure about the whole cycle again thing. Yeah, me and Mr. P have talked about it again, but no forward movement really. He seems more amenable to the idea now, for sure. I think I'm the one really dragging my feet at this point.

Holiday plans? Yeah, we are travelling Back East to see my family for Xmas. Not looking forward to the crowded airports, but I think it will be nice to see my family for the holidays. It has been several years since we went Back East for a major holiday. That's what infertility and a new baby will do to you.

So, yeah. It was good to chat with you. Let's not wait so long next time to catch up, ok? Hugs.



(p.s. - you are supposed to leave your half of our conversation in the comments)

traumatized

I went to the grocery store on Sunday. We were out of everything, it had to be done. I went to my local store, during the football game, so it wouldn't be too crowded.

I noticed when I walked into the store, I felt nervous. Fluttery stomach, heart beating fast. I glanced around, looking suspiciously at everyone. I moved quickly and was way too hyper-vigilant about my surroundings.

I got everything I needed as fast as I could and was happy to leave the store.

How messed up is that?

I live half a country away from the East Coast, from Connecticut. I do not know anyone, or know anyone who knows anyone, directly involved. I don't do Facebook, Twitter or any other of that over-connected crap. I've limited my news consumption since Friday, trying hard not to exposed myself to sad or gory details that could further traumatize me.

But that's the rub, isn't it? I'm already traumatized. I'm affected. I'm anxious in crowds now. I'm distrustful of others. I just want to stay home.

And it's not just Connecticut, it's Oregon too. It's Texas, it's Colorado. It's everywhere, it seems.

I'm having a hard time with this, more so than I ever have before. How do you move on? Mel talked of faith and I commented on her blog that faith is one thing I generally lack. It's true, I'm not a faith-based person. I struggle with "just believing" in something. I want proof, I want fact. And right now, the facts point me in a very scary direction.

I tell myself it will all be ok, that we will all be ok. I'm hoping it will sink in at some point and feel more true than it does right now.

rocked

I was in Nordstrom today. I was finishing what I call a "power shop" when I have a very limited amount of time (like 45 min start to finish) to get something very specific. Today it was tops, both casual and could-be-dressed-up to wear this winter.

I was at the checkout line, chatting with my super-helpful sales lady (the main reason I love Nordstrom, the sales people there rock) and congratulating myself for successfully getting 4 items, when a customer across the counter from us starts recounting the horror.

"Some reports of almost 30 dead," he says, shaking his head. "I heard many are kids."

My ears raised. "What happened?" I asked naively. My sales lady just shook her head.

Another salesperson helping that man said, "I heard he went in, killed the principal, then the vice principal, then the school counselor, then went into a kindergarten class and shot all the kids."

My stomach dropped. I thought I was going to puke on the saleslady. "Where?" was all I could muster.

"Delaware?" she said. "No, Connecticut."

I finished my transaction in a daze, and shakily made my way out of the store. Glancing around at everyone else, wondering if they knew. Wondering how they felt. Wondering if they carried a gun. Wondering if they too wanted to harm us all. All I wanted to do was get out of the crowds. Fast.

I've worked in education. I've been both an elementary and pre-school teacher. I've worked in mental health, in schools. I've worked in higher education, both in administration and teaching.

This is my world, the world I know. Safe places, or at least they were. Schools.

And now I'm a mom, of a kid that will be going to pre-school, then kindergarten. In a school. A supposedly safe place for her to learn and grow.

But now, still nauseasous from this horrid news, how can I let her go out in this fucked up world? What is wrong with people? Why, good lord, why would someone want to shoot kindergartners? What kind of world is this? How can my dear Critter be exposed to this? Be hurt by this?

I can't even begin to fathom where the parents are tonight. What they are doing, how they are surviving this. It has made me sick, physically sick. My heart aches for them, for the kids that survived, for those that bore witness to this absolute madness.

Tonight I am sad. Scared, too. Sad and scared for this world.