Ok, enough talk of sleep stuff. Especially given Critter is having a growth spurt (Good lord, can this kid grow any more?? I envision her at 1 year old, 10 feet tall, weighing 2 tons, her huge self trying to squeeze into our little townhouse) and she ate every 2-3 hours all night last night. To quote Sprogblogger, Yawn.
So if we are not talking sleep, what else is there to talk about these days? Yup, boobs. So let's talk boobs, because I'm one of those people who can no longer talk about anything else other than her child. Ugh, I am one of those.
Anyway, here it is: I hate breastfeeding. Yup, I said it. Ok, maybe hate is too strong and ugly a word. I actively dislike breastfeeding. And know I am wearing my flame-retardant suit, because this is not something you are supposed to say. LLL disciples are gathering now to throw Molotov cocktails at me.
Breastfeeding is supposed to be this magical bonding experience between mother and child, a wonderful way to get to know your newborn, to provide them a sense of security, perfect nourishment, and an expression of your love like nothing else can. Yeah, for me, not so much.
I feel like a cow, a vessel for nourishment. And when the Critter nurses, she is just eating. We aren't bonding, she is just feeding. The bonding is after when we burp and snuggle. The bonding is when we change a diaper and have a laugh about the volume of poop. Bonding is when we both lie down on the playmat and wiggle and look at each other and smile. Bonding is when we dance to Kool and the Gang (and yesterday, Naughty by Nature). But when we're breastfeeding, not so much. Breastfeeding feels more like a chore to do, not like an event we look forward to.
Sure, I'm over the hump of breastfeeding pain. My nipples toughened up around 4 weeks, so I'm not sore, I'm not chafed. And the over-supply has leveled off, so I'm not painfully engorged every 2 hours, now it takes more like 5-6 hours to feel the pain and leakage. So it is not pain that is causing my active dislike.
I'm just over it. But I know, I know, it is good for her, it is helping her immune system, it is helping (allegedly) prevent future diseases, blah, blah, blah. But is 2 months of nothing but breastmilk enough to count?
I think for me, it might be.
And that is hard for me to say, as I was totally a Ms. Judgey McJudgerson about other women who stopped breastfeeding around now. Before I lived it, I thought all those things you're probably thinking now: Doesn't she love her child? Doesn't she want to do what's best for her child? How hard could it possibly be?
Well, let me tell you, it's hard. Way, super-way harder than I ever thought, and I didn't even have supply issues. And honestly, I just don't like it. I miss having my body all to myself. Selfish, horrible person that I am. I miss having normal hormones coursing through my body, not these breastfeeding ones. I miss having chocolate now and again. I miss not having to worry if I've pumped enough so I can go out and do something nice for myself. I miss sleeping. I miss feeling like me again.
And when I'm breastfeeding, I'm not me, not fully my own. And I actively dislike that.
There, I said it. Now go ahead, flame me, flame my selfishness. I'm used to it, I do it myself all the time.
Repeat: Cold Peace
1 day ago
No flaming from me. Just sympathy and understanding. I never really like it either. In fact, I "actively disliked" it as well. For most of the time. And I never felt like we were really bonding and she never had a great latch and it always kind of hurt while she was eating. And when I pumped for just three weeks at work I felt like I was in hell and when I stopped doing our occasional breast feeds last week, I didn't feel even the least bit sad about it. I tried to conjure up some sort of sentimentality during our last session and I couldn't even do it. I was all dry eyed and lets-get-this-show-over-with and then we were done and I was like, so, is there laundry to do?
ReplyDeleteThe only thing I didn't realize was how expensive formula is. Like $100 a month expensive. Of course we're buying organic stuff and my daughter drinks crazy amounts not because she is bigger, but it's a lot. I probably spent more than that on nursing gear though so I guess it was a wash. Still, you should know that.
It's also, imho, harder to travel with a bottle. There is always the chance that you'll be out and not have the proper tools to get your baby fed, which is panic inducing to be sure. So there's that.
I'm not trying to convince you to keep BFing but from one mom who didn't like it to another, those are the two things I dislike most about the other side.
Good luck making your choice, it's a hard one to be sure.
Oh, and feel free to email me about it if you ever want to "talk"!
ReplyDeleteEsperanzasays@gmail.com
I applaud you for being able to say those words. I always thought that BF would be wonderful, too. Until I started reading new mommy blogs. Now it scares me. I don't know that I'd be able to handle it. Society can make a woman feel like crap for not BF just like it can make us feel like crap for being IF. I say EFF them all...you do what works for you and your family. If it's not working, it's not working. I consider my brain to be very well developed and I got good grades in school. I'm hardly ever sick and so far, (knock on wood) the only disease I have is IF. I was formula fed from day one. Just sayin'. I'm glad that you have put this out there. Maybe more frustrated new mom's will read it and realize that they are not alone.
ReplyDeleteYou're allowed to actively dislike bf-ing. In fact, I've been actively loving it, and I'm feeling the exhaustion from it. There's something mentally draining about having one's body be 'on call' for someone else. I'm normally er, rather snuggly with my husband, but since H's birth? I just need some ALONE time. It's got nothing to do with husband or my attraction to him, and everything to do with feeling completely stretched thin by the demands of bfing.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you're bonding just FINE with critter, and will continue to do so no matter how she gets her daily calories. Happy mom = happy baby. Don't let anyone tell you different.
Yep, I'm one of those moms that can only talk about her child as well. Everything is new and exciting with baby, but our lives are boring and not interesting enough to write about I guess.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry you're not liking breastfeeding. I would say hang in there, but you know your limit, you know what's best for you and your child. You do what you need to do and not look back. I'm definitely not hear to judge.
I don't think it's awful to quit--I think two months of exclusive breastfeeding is still an admirable accomplishment! And thanks for the reminder that the bonding can come with lots of other experiences...I sit around a lot and lament the fact that I cannot supply my babies with any nourishment at all...
ReplyDeleteNo flames here. It's your body and your baby and you're allowed to do whatever works for you! I think if any IFer was honest with herself, we'd all agree that we want the opportunity to be pregnant, breastfeed, etc...but no one can judge until they've walked a mile in your shoes!
ReplyDeleteI've read your blog for quite a while now, but this is my first comment. I'm a La Leche person (but don't hold it against me--we're not all militant), but no flaming here. You know better than anyone else what works for you, and if breastfeeding isn't it, there's no shame in stopping. The main thing that jumped out at me was the part where you said you miss sleeping--that may just be, breastfeeding or not.
ReplyDeleteDo what you need to do, and don't let anyone give you a hard time about it. I nursed my son for 21 months. It was really hard for the first six weeks or so, then got better, and eventually became something really special for us, but I got flamed by people in the opposite direction--"You're still doing that?" etc. Either way, it's no one's business but yours. Do whatever allows you to enjoy your baby and your time with her the most. :)
Paula
I'm proud of you. You have the courage to say how you feel and to elicit opinions. Breastfeeding worked for one of my daughters and never did for the other. I'd have to say that when it worked, it was a joy. That warm little belly next to mine, her sweet little sounds. I miss it so much. We had to supplement with a bottle because she was a preemie and her sucking was so weak. She eventually chose to prefer the bottle. I continue here 10 months later to pump many times a day and supplement with liquid formula for anything I can't make up on my own.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that I still pump and we play at breastfeeding every now and then. Perhaps they may pick it up again? Unlikely, but I can dream. ;-) Eventually there is less and less need for breastmilk and more for solids.
I'll be honest and tell you that at 4:30 am when she wakes and can't be consoled to sleep, I really miss the ability to nurse her. Heating up a bottle with a agitated, screaming baby is no fun either.
You may want to consider a half and half approach, where some feedings are bottles and others are nursing. It gives you your body back, but also allows you options if you change your mind at any future point. Good luck. Hugs!
I really appreciate your being so honest about this -- as all the reasons you say bother you are the exact same things I'm kind of worried about. I love the idea of breastfeeding, but I am also not sure that I'll like being tied to my biology for so much longer. My sister really didn't like breastfeeding at all and only did it for about 2-3 weeks. You should be really proud of two months and don't let anyone ever make you feel differently. The most important thing for the critter is that you love her, and if breastfeeding starts to affect your relationship with her then you need to change things around. As my dad says, if mom's not happy no one is happy.
ReplyDeleteYour daughter and my son are just a week apart and I felt EXACTLY the way you do!! I bond with my son every other time of the day and he is now on bottles and takes to feeding as if it were a breast, but now my husband can help with the feedings. And SCREW WHAT ANYONE ELSE THINKS! You have to do what's right for you...don't let the La Leches make you feel guilty! You're an awesome mom for being honest and saying it's not for you. Your daughter will flourish on formula and life will go on and the bonding will continue, boobs or no boobs.
ReplyDeleteLove the honesty. I'm worried about BFing for so many reasons, but I want to do it and enjoy it, I've just heard it's so difficult and emotional and yes, ppl are so critical. Good luck with your decision!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing your BFing experience. I have yet to actually breastfeed and have only pumped thus far. I'm excited to try breastfeeding, but I am very aware that it's not all sunshine and roses for many women. You've done great and whatever you decide moving forward will be the best decision for you and Critter. No sense in being miserable.
ReplyDeleteI've never enjoyed it and I'm on month 11. Counting down the days until I'm done!!! Main reason I've stuck with it is because it is free. Formula is not.
ReplyDeleteAmen, sister. I can't tell you how welcome this post was for me to read -- I've had a really mixed experience so far feeding my son and it has made me feel horrible when it doesn't work well. So do what is right for YOU and your family -- no one else knows what that is as well as you do. And thanks for breaking the silence on this one -- it's good to hear that someone else in the trenches (and I am just at one month!) is having a similarly ambivalent/ negative experience!
ReplyDeletelove this post. EXACTLY! I don't know where people get the idea that this is fun, or beautiful ... sure, it's cute when they smile on your boob, but still ... it's not easy, or even, at many times, comfortable. So glad you stopped by ... I'm now following your blog!!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for writing this post. I have recently begun thinking about breastfeeding, cloth diapering, etc. etc. I am hopeful that I can breastfeed despite my PCOS, but, am also nervous that I won't like it. I don't like the idea that my husband can't help with feeding responsibilities and I just cannot picture myself pumping at work. At all.
ReplyDeleteNo one posts about not liking it. Most posts about breast feeding I have seen have been: 1) I love it, bonding, rainbows; or 2) I can't physically breastfeed because of a medical reason. I have been searching for a blog post just like this. Thank you so much.
Good luck with your breastfeeding decisions- and, as everyone else said, do what is best for you and the Critter. You rock for getting this far with it!