It is amazing how fast things can turn. Things were moving along so well, and then, BAM. I am a mess.
It started Saturday morning, I woke up after a so-so night feeling...off. Fuzzy-headed, tired, sort of flat. Mr. P noticed, figured I was tired and sent me off of a nap. I napped a bit, and still woke up feeling out of it. Thought maybe I was coming down with a cold. Very low energy.
Saturday night was also so-so, sleep-wise. At the 6am-ish feeding, the tears began. And when they begin, they just can't stop. I just felt so tired, and like this was not working out like I had hoped. Breastfeeding has become a burden, so even if Mr. P takes a pumped bottle shift or two, I'm still up every 3 hours because my boobs are so engorged they hurt terribly and are leaking all over everything. I stink from old breastmilk.
Sunday was not pretty. I basically cried all day long, I really could not stop myself. It is scary. And when I tried to nap, knowing Mr. P had all critter things covered, I could not sleep. I am so incredibly tired, but now I can't sleep. Super scary.
This morning the tears are still here, I can't sleep still, I feel like crap, and I'm getting worried. Is this becoming post-partum depression? My former life as a psychologist is ringing all sorts of warning bells and waving red flags. But when I look online at symptoms, they say this is really more like baby blues. I need at least 2 weeks of this crap to make it PPD.
So my question, oh wise interweb friends, is this: what should I do? Wait it out a few more days and see if this passes? Call my OB? What will they tell me to do? Cause getting on medication is not a option I'm willing to consider at this point.
And on the breastfeeding front: Call the lactation consultant to ask about this boob situation? How do people deal with this - do they really go 6+ months with only 3 hours of sleep, max, at a time? Cause I can't live like this. I am truly falling apart, and sleep deprivation is at the root of it. Or at least a big part of it. And the boobs are causing the lack of sleep.
Please help me. I'm teetering on the cliff here, and slipping more each hour.
Repeat: Cold Peace
1 day ago
I don't have any advice other than - please try to find the help you need. Certainly talk to a lactation consultant - they can be incredibly helpful. The sleep thing is hard - especially when you're breastfeeding. It WILL get better, though. And your boobs will adjust to how much they need to make, so engorgement will be much more rare - a L.C. might have some ideas on how to hasten that along? Also, remember that while breastfeeding is best, formula feeding is NOT failure. If it comes to that, the critter will be just fine on formula, and if she's got a happier mom, she'll be a happier kid. Anyway, I'm thinking of you, and hoping it gets easier, fast. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteObviously I don't have direct experience with this but I think you should call your OB. If meds (anti depressant I'm assuming) are not an option is weaning and bottle feeding an option? I'm sorry it's so hard. I hope it gets better, but I wouldn't wait for it to get worse...better to head things off earlier than later.
ReplyDeletethinking of you Pie. Take it minute by minute, breath by breath. It will get easier, you'll adjust to 3 hours sleep, i promise. Take care of yourself too and if breastfeeding isn't the way to go then don't punish yourself.
ReplyDeleteI would talk to your medical care team ASAP about the "baby blues" before it becomes full blown PPD. Your OB will have seen this many times before and might have some more helpful advice, but will at least want to talk you and Mr Pie about warning signs to look out for. Call now - that's exactly what s/he's there for!
ReplyDeleteI remember the Spouse having some weepy times during the first few weeks that were vastly improved by sleep and getting the BF thing worked out. (She also had oversupply and our son was a rather sleepy, lackadasical nurser, so engorgement was waking her even when our son was sleeping and could not be enticed to help). My take home from that experience: you are right that sleep deprivation absolutely makes all of this SO MUCH WORSE. Absolutely call that lactation consultant right after your call your OB, and mention that your BF issues are contributing to PPD issues to make sure she sees you as soon as humanly possible.
This too shall pass - eventually the critter will start sleeping longer stretches more regularly!
I'm delurking to say hi and give some advice. I had my 2nd child 1 week before you on 1/4, and I'm right here with you. This is probably all related to sleep deprivation. Did you know that when you are sleep deprived your brain is trying so hard to stay awake that you have trouble going to sleep? I have the same problem. I had a mental breakdown when my son was 3 days old because I hadn't slept in 3 days. I was having panic attacks and my OB gave me A*divan, to help me relax before sleep. I only used it for 2 nights, so I could get to sleep. Once I got 4-6 hours of sleep one night I could go to sleep the next night.
ReplyDeleteI'm no help with the boob situation. I can go about 6 hours before I am painfully engorged.
Good luck!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm also sorry that I can't help you. The only advice I can give is that if you feel like this might be PPD, screw what the internet says and talk to your doctor. Don't let him/her dismiss you. I can't imagine what your body is going through right now and I'm sure it's so hard to sort everything out, especially with such little sleep. I think you should definitely talk to someone about this and maybe make whatever adjustments you feel comfortable with as far as breastfeeding goes. I'm really dumb on the subject but is there a medication that will stop/slow your milk? Maybe switching to bottle feeding would help? I don't know....I'm talking out of my ass but I'm only trying to help...I hate that you are suffering like this.
ReplyDeleteOh no Pie! I would strongly urge you to call your OB. Even if meds are not an option for you at this point, I know your OB would have experience that will help you. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteAH, hormones are great, huh? I remember crying for absolutely no reason for at least the first six months, so what you are feeling is completely normal. And add sleep deprivation to the mix and yuck! But hang in there. If you think it is getting beyond your control, definitely contact someone. I think what you are feeling is the norm, not the exception. As far as the lactation, I'm not sure, but it wouldn't hurt to contact the consultant, right? And I PROMISE the sleeping does get better. Even at 10 months when I think I have Emma's sleep pattern figured out, she'll throw me a curveball. But more often than not, I get the sleep I need.
ReplyDeleteHang in there!!!
Dearest Pie -
ReplyDeleteThis totally sucks and I am so sorry. Thank you for being so brutally honest. PLEASE call your ob and get an appointment. Sounds like maybe Sunita's doctor is onto something with the drugs to help her sleep. The engorgement thing is scary. There has to be something you can do, or at least having some medical people telling you this is all ok might help a little.
thinking of you and sending lots of love.
inB
If you can last the first 6-8 weeks nursing, you can do it however long you want. It's that hurdle. I had the same feeling "flat" issue. I just let it run it's course and it went away after about a week. It ALL gets better, I promise! It just gets easier too. She will start eating less and more efficiently before you know it. Don't give up!!
ReplyDeleteI don't know anything about this but I do know that your hormones are dropping at a fast rate! I would chat with your OB. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteOh Pie, I'm so sorry you've hit a rough patch. Definitely talk to your OB so at least she knows you're feeling overwhelmed right now. From what I know/understand, which is limited, it sounds like the baby blues since PPD sets in later. Good for you for being vigilant, though, as I'm sure Mr. Pie is as well. Hang in there dear friend.
ReplyDeleteDefinitely call your OB about the baby blues, I'm sure she'll have some advice for you. I never got this so I'm not much help. The exhaustion is brutal, I adjusted to it eventually, but not everyone does. The engorgement should slow down eventually. I had engorgement in the beginning despite low supply. I think most mamas experience this in the beginning. To lower your supply, pump only enough to regain comfort. If you pump them empty every time, you're telling your body to keep making that much. Once that slows things down, start increasing your time between pumping sessions. I hope this helps. I feel bad because I was encouraging you to pump every 2-3 hrs to make sure you don't have to deal with low supply and while you're thankfully not, your situation went the opposite extreme. I hope this new advice helps you!
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to send a quick note with a virtual (((hug))). I agree with the others that maybe a LC is the first start, but that you should talk to anyone you feel comfortable with for ideas to start feeling better. I assume that you've already tried all the regular things (lavender, hot baths) to try to wind down? I think things will DEFINITELY look better after a few 6 hour stretches of sleep. Wishing you luck, and sleep!
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, yes. This is so familiar. I'm delurking to say that I went through a very similar first few weeks/months and remember the crying, the engorgement, and the "blues" you're describing. It really stinks and everyone is correct to say that it all gets better soon. By the time my son was three months old, things were better, and by the time he was four months old, things were much better. You will not have to suffer for 6+ months. I know I'm a complete stranger, but please believe me that things will improve.
ReplyDeleteIn the meantime, I agree with your other commenters that the engorgement starts to improve soon and you'll be able to sleep for longer chunks if Mr. P takes a feeding. The critter will also get more efficient at feeding, so those every-three-hour sessions will get shorter and you won't have to wake up as completely as you are now. It will feel more like you're still somewhat asleep while feeding her and you'll be able to transition back to sleep more easily. And as a result, you'll be getting more sleep and you'll be less exhausted and worn out. Your body will also adjust to sleeping in three or four hour chunks. I'm the kind of person who needs her sleep, but even I was able to finally adjust.
The crying will also start to ease up, though I remember feeling as though I was crying all day every day during the first month or two. Every picture of me with the baby shows tear-streaked cheeks because I had just finished crying when the picture was taken. Ugh.
All that said, definitely call the LC and your OB and discuss it with them. Perhaps they will have other suggestions than medication, and if medication is the only way to get through, by all means don't hesitate. If I'm ever lucky enough to have a second baby, I might just call in the medication during those postpartum weeks because it may not be necessary to feel quite so awful, even if the awfulness will pass. I was pretty out of it for those first four months and found enjoying new motherhood stressful, not joyful. Now, I feel the joy (he's 14 months). You will definitely get there. I promise.
Also, keep writing and seeking other new (and new-ish, like me) moms to remind yourself that for many of us, your experience is very familiar. I found a new moms group in my area and forced myself to go (even though I really didn't want to). It was invaluable. I got to hear from other women exactly how close to the edge they felt, and the process of sharing and listening always made the next few days feel more reasonable. Or maybe there is an LLL bfing group you could attend? I think being able to process what's going on with others who are also in the midst of it really helped me.
My thoughts are with you. The one rule I've learned about babies (and motherhood) is that just when you get used to something, whether it's good or bad, that something will change. Hang in there!