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For those of us in the unexplained infertility category, you always wonder. Why is this happening, clearly something is not going as it should, why can't they find it? For the most part, this has been my experience. My first RE's explanation was "It's just nature, we can't control everything" meaning that spontaneous genetic abnormalities happen. And that's why it didn't work for me.
But I always had a sneaking suspicion that something else was going on. Things always went well, stimming went well, ER went well, fert went well, transfer went well. So what's left? Implantation. I always had this lingering, back-of-the-mind suspicion that something was off here. When asking my old RE about it, he just poo-poo'ed me, and said no, that couldn't be it. I didn't have endometriosis. And he would not look into it.
Well, the e-tegrity test results came back late yesterday, and just as I suspected. I lack this beta-3 integrin protein that facilitates implantation.
I knew it!!!
That was my reaction when the nurse told me. I felt vindicated in a way. I was right to ditch the other doc, I was right to push for this test. Ha! I knew it!
But where does this leave me, once the vindication wears off? Well, I'm not 100% sure. I woke up today feeling a bit more scared about the whole thing. The nurse said it was good we were planning a freeze-all cycle, since now they need to treat me before transfer. They are recommending 2 months on De.po Lup.ron, before doing the FET. I have not had much of a chance to ask Dr. Google about what these results mean, and what this treatment is about. That is today's plan. If you know about this at all, please leave a comment about your experience. I'm trying not to freak out without more information and knowledge. After I get that, then I'll freak.
In other news, I also found out that our karyotypes were normal, no translocations! So that's great! And I got my official IVF calendar, because lovely AF showed yesterday. On time, again!
Dear Auntie, I apologize for all the mean comments I've mead about your timeliness, your senility, your sense of direction. I take it all back. You have been right on time, and I thank you for that.
That's where it all stands now. Ordering meds, getting ready to start BCP tomorrow. It's hard to imagine after months of waiting, I am moving again. But it's happening. Keep your fingers crossed for me, hell, keep 'em crossed for the next month!
Thanks to all of you that left well-wishes after the biopsy! It is just so nice to hear from you all, and know that I'm not alone. Seriously, thanks.
I'm back to normal, a little spotting left, but it has really decreased since Monday. I sort of thought it would just blend into AF (I usually spot some 1-2 days before she arrives), but it seems to be lessening. I'm on CD 27 today, so hopefully by Friday, she'll be here. If you happen to see her wandering around, please direct her over to my house. Thanks.
Mr. P and I looked at the cost of all this again yesterday. We need to pay a bunch before I start injections in a few weeks. Now, for all of you self-pay people, just skip this next part. Go on, I'll see you at the next paragraph. Up until now, all of our IF diagnostics and treatment have been covered by insurance. Meds too. Sure, I had a co-pay here and there, but nothing out of pocket. All 4 IUIs and both IVFs. Fully covered. Yes, I am very very thankful for this.
Working with the far away clinic is a big lesson on the cost of health care and insurance coverage. Again, we still have great insurance, which will reimburse some. But this is new to us, and figuring out exactly what we'll pay for and what will be covered has been confusing. In network, out of network, reimbursement rates, its so much to keep track of! It would be easier if I just knew it will cost XX amount, and budget for that. But we will get some covered, but not exactly sure which parts, and what % they will cover. We're budgeting for the worst. And what is frustrating is that if we stayed here, locally, it would still be fully covered. But I just can't feel good about that option - given the poor results we've gotten so far with the local clinic. So pay we will.
And Mr. P is leaving tonight on a business trip out of the country. He'll be gone til Sunday, which isn't that long, but it seems like it to me. And there is something about him being farther away (in another hemisphere!) that will make me miss him more. But as he says, "We gotta pay the bills!" so off he goes.
I'll call the nurse tomorrow to get test results, so I'll update when that happens.
I had a fun morning. After getting up, showering, taking 4 Ad.vil, and dropping off the dry cleaning, I had my GYN appointment. They've moved offices since I was there about 18 months ago. Yup, as I was reminded today, the last time I was there I was about 6 months into TTC on our own. Such blissful ignorance I had then. But, relevant to this story, the office was not in the same place. So I had a mini-freak out trying to find the new place, and end up parking in the wrong garage. Hey, what's another $21? Chump change for any IF girl.
I finally got there. I forgot what a big practice this is. Huge waiting room, full of pregnant ladies, uncomfortable looking husbands and kids of all ages. Oh, and me. After about a 15 minute wait, they call me back. The doctor comes in to talk to me, she is not my normal doctor, but I had to schedule with her to be seen on the day I needed. Fine, what's another doctor looking up my nether regions? She seems nice enough. After showing her the box of stuff the e-tegrity test people sent me, we're ready to go.
She warns me, "This is going to be uncomfortable, like really bad menstrual cramps." Yeah, I know. I'm loaded up on 800mg of Ad.vil, so bring it on.
The whole thing took about 5 minutes. Standard speculum insertion, and washing the cervix with iodine. Then about 1 minute of sharp pain/cramping when she inserted the pipette through my cervix and scraped out a sample. This was followed by cramps. I'd recently heard about a research study where they found the ability to endure pain was increased if the person could swear. So I was alternating deep breathing with some choice cussing. I think at one point I even said, "I hate those fucking people that can get pregnant on their own!" The doc chuckled I think.
The sample (which was big, like several inches long!) was all packed up, and I went straight to Fed.Ex to send it off. Came home, put on sweatpants, and here I am. Feeling mild cramps, spotting a fair amount, but otherwise ok. I should get the results Thursday or Friday.
So I survived. And I think I have now done all the possible invasive GYN tests. While I may have to repeat a procedure, I don't think there is anything else that would be new to me. So I got that going for me. Gotta find the silver lining somewhere.
Welcome ICLWers!
A little about me: I'm fairly new to blogging, but not so new to TTC. Hubby and I just had our 2 year anniversary of TTC, and the past year has been lots of IUIs (4) and IVFs (2). We've recently sought a second opinion at a clinic out-of-state. After lots of new testing, we begin IVF #3 in about a week (or whenever AF decides to visit). I've really enjoyed my hormone holiday this summer, and feel ready to begin again. Keep your fingers crossed for me!
Other ramblings: I've been reading online about my upcoming endometrial biopsy/ e-tegrity test (like what Jill went through) and I'm getting a bit freaked out. I mean, after everything I've been through so far - HSG, 2 ERs, hysteroscopy - can this really be any worse? Apparently for some - yes. God, it just makes me that much more angry at people that get pregnant on their first try. Why do I have to go through all of this crap? Grrrrr.
And I think I've come up with a plan about telling my dad. As I sat down with my calendar, there is no way in hell I will be in town for their visit in September. I'm planning to drive to the far-away clinic, and may even go a bit earlier than I need to for monitoring. So my new plan is to call and speak to my dad when I know my step-mom is working. Because if I call when she is there, my dad just hands over the phone after 2 minutes, and I get stuck talking to her for an hour. So call when she's not there, and be honest with my dad about what's going on, but also honest about why I have not told him up to now. Set clear limits about what I need from them, and let him decide how and what to tell my step-mom about what's going on. I don't want to hurt her feelings, but I also don't think I'd be able to explain this to her in a way that wouldn't. Or that she'd hear.
So that's the plan. We'll see if I stick with it.
Well, I survived the long weekend. It was fine for the most part. I did not spill the beans to my dad and step-mom. They didn't even push it, frankly, they were obsessed with my niece, who was also there, so I was not on the hot seat.
But the saga is not over. I got my protocol calendar, and while I think it is a bit off (they estimated my period will arrive after CD 34, which I think is too long), I will most likely be at the far away clinic for a week at the end of September. Which of course coincides with my step-mom and dad's visit to town. They will be here for a conference during the week, and are staying the weekend to see my brother's family and me. So the gig will be up then.
My revised plan is to see exactly when AF comes, and what my revised calendar will then look like. Then a phone call to my dad, explaining what's been going on, and why I won't be around when they come here. Not looking forward to that. I'll think about that later. After all, de Nile is not just a river in Egypt. Ha ha.
On more interesting news, my endometrial biopsy is scheduled for this coming Monday. While my ob-gyn will actually snip the bit of lining out, I have to mail it off to a special lab for testing. It is amazing, all these parts of my body I ship off all over the country. My blood, my lining. It's odd. But I guess this whole IF thing is odd. What's one more thing to add to the list.
And my protocol. It is different this time, a micro-dose Lup.ron flare. Much shorter, really just one month long, versus having to do the long Lu.pron protocol that really takes 2 cycles to do. We'll see how it goes!
Tomorrow I'm leaving town, getting on a plane, and visiting my childhood home. Both my parents still live there, my mom in the house I grew up in.
I love my parents, but I also love that I live half-way across the country from them.
My mom knows all about the IF struggles, I had to tell her last X-mas when our trip home for the holidays was delayed due to an IUI. She has been supportive, but non-intrusive. She waits for me to tell her, and if I've been quiet, she gently asks if I want to talk about it.
My father, on the other hand, does not know anything. He has remarried, and while my step-mom is kind, and means well, and is generally well-intentioned, she can be very overbearing and talkative. Like cannot stop talking. And in all that talking at you, she can occasionally say some stupid things. Adding to that, my father and step-mom are both physicians. So they love to discuss all the medical details of whatever situation.
I have been debating over and over whether to tell them about what Mr. P and I have been going through. On the one hand, I want them to understand what's going on with me, the stress, etc. And for them to understand better when our schedule does not jive with theirs. But on the other hand, I simply don't want to have this conversation with my step-mom. I don't want to hear about all her friends that went through this or that, stopped trying and got pregnant, took the different protocol that I'm on and it worked, blah, blah, blah. She never had children. I think she and my dad may have briefly tried, and when it looked like it would not be an easy thing, that was it. No IF treatments for her. So I also don't want her living vicariously through my experience. I just don't want any part of sharing this with her, it will suck all the life out of me.
I will see her this weekend. And I know she and my dad are wondering what's up. She's asked my sister-in-law, who thankfully just played dumb. And I don't want to get into it.
So while I'm looking forward to going home (well, to my childhood home) I am not sure how I'm going to deal with all of this. My strategy is to avoid being alone in a room with her, avoid any sort of girl talk situations.
Wish me luck.
Yay! My first award! My first thought when I got the One Lovely Blog award was, "Somebody actually reads this blog?" Actually, 3 people do, and they all like it!
Many thanks to Kelli, Mad Hatter and Scrambled Egg for my Lovely Blog award.
So the deal is it is a bit like a chain letter. I must pass this award on to other blogs, following these instructions:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.Ok, maybe not 15, but here's some lovely and/or newly discovered blogs:TeeJay at Inconceivable!Gracie at Gracie in BrooklynHope at Hope in VirginiaJill at Redefining the Birds and BeesGabby at Adventures in GlassEveryone else that I would nominate for this has already gotten it recently, so I'll stay with my short list. But know that I think all the blogs I ready by all of the strong, resilient women and men facing IF are lovely!
