my fertile friend

Being a SAH mom, you tend to find friends who are other SAH moms. It just makes sense, you are both wrapped up in caring for your kid(s), have the same type of schedule, etc.

I realized I had no SAHM friends last year, when the Critter was about 4-5 months, and reached out on a local moms internet site. Which was great. I met a SAHM who lives only a few blocks away, with a daughter who is about 2 months younger than the Critter. We've joined crawlers play classes together, hit the park, took walks, did playdates. I met some other moms through her.

Then, she began talking about #2. And within weeks, was pregnant.

It was like a kick in the gut. I mean, I know she is much younger than me (another weird thing about being an IFer, you are often much older than all the other moms. another weird reflection post in there somewhere), and wants to have 3-4 kids. So of course her and her hubby would have sex....and there you go. This is how normal women do it. I know this.

But still. As I'm stressing about the logistics of my upcoming FET schedule, making travel and childcare arrangements, flying to the far away clinic to get my work up, injecting myself with expensive medications not covered by my insurance - all the normal IFer crapola - she is having sex with her husband. For free. Over the course of a month. And voila! She's pregnant.

It's just hard. She knows about my IF issues, and I think she is as kind as she can be about being mindful, blah,blah,blah - but I don't think there is any way it can't hurt. The situation is there, it hurts.

I try not to let it become an issue between us, but sometimes I know I'm a bit more distant. It is just my way of protecting myself, distancing myself, withdrawing. I think it has impacted us a bit. Which sucks.

It's amazing all the little (big) ways that IF impacts my life. Sure, family building is impacted. We'll likely have less kids than we would have if it had been easy, and free. But IF has impacted our ability to move to a family home (all the money spent to have the Critter and #2 - there goes the down payment!). And it impacts friendships, as seen with my fertile friend.

Sigh. Nasty bitch, that IF.

first shot

Well, I can officially say I'm back! Back on the needle, shooting up my tush with crazy-making meds!

I did my first (of two) Depot Loopyron shot this morning. What a bitch of a shot to start with, to re-introduce me to the world of injections. Honestly, it is one of the most confusing dosing systems I've seen- and I feel like I've seen a lot.

It comes all in one syringe - the medicine powder and the reconstituting liquid. Which would seem easier, no mixing, no drawing up meds into vials, etc. But I swear, it is a pain in the butt (haha, pun intended I guess!). And it has this very odd "safety cap" on the needle, but every time I've used it, I end up bending the needle. Great. Not so safe (or sterile for that matter) if I have to touch the needle to straighten it out. I'm sure I'm doing something wrong, but why should it be so complicated? Sigh. At least the injection itself didn't hurt or bleed a lot.

So now we wait. Wait for the hot flashes, the night sweats, the general feeling of losing my mind. Good times, good times.

Shiner

My girl looks like a prizefighter. She has her first shiner.

I'm not sure what is going on with her in the past few days, but she has become terribly clumsy. She is falling all over the place, and had the bruises to prove it. I think she has lost whatever small shred of fear she may have had about walking, and coupled that lack of fear with her firm delusion that she too is a "Big Kid" and can therefore run and jump like a Big Kid.

Lack of fear + Big Kid delusion = injury. Lots and lots of injuries.

She was at the park with Daddy yesterday, and the story goes that she slid down the slide (soooo much fun!) and saw a DOG when she got to the bottom. This kid LOVES dogs. Loves loves loves them. Loves to see them in person, read about them in books, watch them on TV. Yes, we may have Tivoed "Dogs 101" for her, what of it?

So anyway, she apparently sees the DOG and jumps up (even though she can't really jump up yet) and begins to run (even though she can't really run well yet) to the dog. So instead of the intended jump and run, she instead face-plants into the gravelly ground.

Ouch.

Poor Critter Girl, she scraped her nostril, cheek and under her eye. And her eye is definitely looking more and more like a black eye. A shiner for my sweet girl. Funny thing about it, Mr. P says that she didn't even cry that much, and just wanted to go over to see the dog, bloody face and all. That's my girl, tough and determined.

I just hope she gets over this uncoordinated stage soon, and her motor skill catch up to her desires.

The box

I got my big ole box o' meds in the mail yesterday.

I was not at all prepared for my reaction to opening this box.

I mean, I knew it was coming. I knew what the box contained. I knew what to expect and see when I opened the box.

But when I opened the box up, and saw the syringes, the red sharps container, the alcohol wipes - oh man. I felt the largest nervous knot develop instantly in my stomach. It was like all those emotions I've done so well to forget, to block out - they all came rushing back, forming a cold, hard lump in my stomach. I had to close the box for awhile and calm down.

PTSD, for sure.

I was reading Al's latest blog post, and it really resonated with me. She said, "I just wanted to remind myself and all my readers. I'm still infertile, even though I have a baby and conceived him without assistance." Well, I had assistance having the Critter - lots of it!! - but I think I need to remind myslef too that I'm still infertile. In many ways, I really wanted to convince myself (and maybe the world too) that I was over infertility. I crossed over, I had made it to the other side.

But ya know what? I haven't. I'm right back here, scared, nervous, asking "what if??". Worrying, wondering, waiting. Right back in the depths of it again, like no time at all has past.

All with the delivery of just one brown box.

Booked

We are booked.

OMG, we are booked.

Mark your calendars now, because on June 22, I will be at the far away clinic doing a FET.

OMG.

I chose the earlier date because after talking it out with Mr. P, we decided it might be easier not to disrupt the Critter's schedule/life, and have him stay home with her. My mom agreed to come out for the transfer, and hang around with me while on my day and a half of bedrest. But my mom could only do it if it was the June date, not the July one. Fine, date chosen.

Mr. P immediately looked up the due date, and then the corresponding astrological sign. Not that either of us really believe in any of that, but we checked last time, so we checked again. Pisces. I have to say, I don't know many Pisces. Or any. Not that the Critter is anything like her Capricorn description. Yet. (And yes, I am in total fantasy land that this will certainly work. Go with it, I'm sure reality and panic will set in soon.)

So this means depot loopyron starts next week! OMG. I haven't injected myself with anything in a very long time, and my first shot back will be the evil DL in the ass. Right back on the wagon, I guess.

I can't believe it. I feel nervous, excited, and very weird to be back in the trenches again. Wow, we are really doing this.

resurfacing

I am finally feeling better. Finally. This has been a hell of a couple weeks - life was just put on hold and it was illness and caring for the Critter. That's all I had room for, energy for.

Yesterday I caught up on all sorts of "business" that I'd ignored for days. I got back to my far away clinic nurse, and am working on getting the evil depot loopyron ordered. That's a yay and yuck, all in one. Yay moving forward, yuck 'cuz its DL. We are trying to pin down a transfer date, will it all begin with my next AF, or next month's? I'm not 100% sure at this point.

I'm feeling more and more ready to get this ball rolling, which is good. I feel like the Critter is more and more toddler-like, more independent, more ready to be a big sister. Whether she knows it or not! Ha!

I also got my medical records from my OB visit sent to the far away clinic, and paid my frozen embie storage fee for the year. So I'm feeling all squared away with them, which feels good too. I have my endocrinologist appointment scheduled for early April, so that elevated TSH is waiting to get straightened out too.

Next on my list of things to do is get caught up on my Reader, and with all y'all. Looking forward to hearing how you interwebbies are doing.

14 months

14 months and 1 day! Mama's still not 100% well, so a day late is not too bad I guess.

Walking! At 13 months and 3 days, you took your first steps. And now at 14 months and a day, you are very proficient. You now prefer walking to crawling, and can stand up from a squat very easily. It is amazing to think in the span of a month you went from no walking to very good walker. So fast! I bought you cute pink sneakers, and we've been to the park a few times. You were so surprised to be allowed to walk around the park on your own. And you were also surprised by these things on your feet - you walked liked you had concrete blocks on your feet at first. Now you are officially a toddler!

No more bottles! We gave up bottles this month, and you don't seem to miss them at all. You love water from your sippy cup, but not milk. It took a while to figure it out, but you will happily drink milk from a straw. So we have some straw sippy cups, as well as just having you drink from a normal cup with a big-person straw (with supervision of course!). I also sneak a little milk in your morning oatmeal, so no worries that you aren't getting enough calcium. That, and you eat cheese by the bucketful.

Chatty! You talk all the time. I'll admit, I was not great about teaching you signing and you weren't into watching the Rachel videos, although you have picked up "more" and "all done" signs. You point a lot to get your wishes understood, and you have many spoken words that I can understand. You seem happy that I understand you most of the time, so I haven't seen you frustrated to be understood yet. Knock on wood.

Remotes! You are obsessed with remote controls. You love them. You fully understand that a specific remote controls a specific thing, and you love nothing more than to push the button and look to see its effect. Your favorite remote is the radio in your room. I had to replace the batteries in that remote because you wore them out changing the radio stations and turning the CD player on and off.

Happy 14 months, my sweet toddler Critter Girl. Mama loves you so very much.