beans in and out of the jar

After reading Hope in VA's blog (sorry, I don't know how to hyperlink that, but her blog is on my blog list to the right - go visit her!) I am thinking about disclosure. As I commented to her, since we began this journey, my stance has changed. Sorta.

This was already on my mind as this weekend approaches, because we have a busy weekend of seeing both former work and our broad social group. But first, a bit of background.

When we first began trying to get pregnant on our own, our friends were just starting to have children. We would have been in the "first wave" at that time. So it wasn't something we talked about directly, and it wasn't a big deal. After a year of no success, and RE appointments began, I sought out a few people that had gone thru IF treatments. They were mostly outside our immediate circle of friends. Other than that, I was adamant about not telling anyone. I felt shame, I felt like an oddity, I felt this strong need for privacy. And I didn't want to have conversations about being infertile at a picnic. So during the 4 IUIs, it wasn't such a big deal. I did unmedicated IUIs, so no real bloat, or other side effects that kept me from my regular life. It was easy to keep it to ourselves. Until my cycle fell around Xmas. I was hedging with my family (who live a plane ride away) about when Mr. P and I would get home for the holiday. My mother, who loves a plan set in place months beforehand, was becoming more and more irritated that we hadn't booked our tickets. And then the cycle looked like we would do the IUI Xmas eve. Shit. So I came clean with my mom. I was so scared, felt so vulnerable doing that. But after I did, I felt nothing but relief. And my mother was so great about it. And is now a good support to me.

I think this was a turning point for me. It made me realize it might be my issue, my need for control, and not so much about the other people in my life. But I say this with a caveat. There are still people in our life that we have not told. My father and stepmother, we have not told. While I love them, they can be overbearing and opinionated. And while they would be supportive in their own way, their kind of support often feels smothering. So I have chosen not to tell them. And that feels right. We chose not to tell Mr. P's family, mostly his choice, because he thinks they would be so worried, it would be harder on them. Too much anxiety, and we can't soothe that for them. So we don't tell.

And our group of friends. Well, this is tough. We are a social, cocktailing sort, and it stands out greatly when I am not partaking. So I've been absent. Noticeably absent. Which has created stress for Mr. P, who is left covering for me. Which means him lying to our friends. When it first began, it was easier, but now months have gone by, and they are wondering and questioning more and more. So Mr. P and I have agreed that he may tell a few chosen people. I don't want to discuss it (mostly for fear of crying at a picnic) but at least it will explain when the hell I've been, or why I drink water. Without the JD.

As we move to our next steps, seeking second opinions both locally and nationally, we may have to tell more people. If we choose to do IVF #3 away from home, it will disrupt family vacations, and I'll be away for a few weeks. People notice these things.

What to say?

I guess I'm feeling less private about this, after a year of going through it. I mean really, what am I ashamed of? That I want a child that is created from me and the man I love? And that I'm willing to go through hell and high water (and shots in the ass) to get there? Doesn't that just speak to how committed I am for my unborn children? Isn't that a good thing? And frankly, after a year of this, I'd rather spend my energy trying to get pregnant than towards hiding.

Unless I think you'll be an ass-hat. Then you get nothing.