I was at the park yesterday with the Critter Girl, and we were joined in the sandbox by a girl I guessed to be about Critter's age, maybe a few months older. And then her mother and baby brother came over too, and the mom and I started chatting, as moms at the park are apt to do.
We chatted about the girls ages (they were in fact 5 months apart), kids clothing we liked, her work (she works 4 days and is home Fridays with the kids), me being a SAHM, blah, blah, blah. It was a nice, easy conversation, I enjoyed talking with her while the girls led us all over the playground.
While we were pushing the girls on the swings she asked me if we were interested in having another child. Innocent question, and fit in with the flow of the conversation. I think she had been talking about how her son came a little quicker than she thought he would. It didn't seem intrusive or odd that she asked.
I replied that we would love to have another child or two, but life may not work out the way we want it to. I said that the Critter was hard-won, and it took almost 4 years to get her. While I didn't say the word infertile, I clearly conveyed it.
I think she was a bit surprised to hear this, I mean who says this out loud? But she was very nice, and said how the Critter is all the more special for it and gave us a nice smile.
We went on talking about other mommy things, and then it was time to go. We said our goodbyes, and hoped to meet up on another Friday when she was home from work.
I strolled the Critter home, thinking about what I had said. I don't know if I'd ever acknowledged my infertility to someone who was not a close friend or family member. It was a first for me, and I must say, it felt nice to be honest. To admit that having a child/ren can be hard, if not impossible. To spread the awareness a bit.
Repeat: Cold Peace
1 day ago
I'm sure it was a hard conversation to have, but a good one, too--for many reasons you mentioned in your post. I have always been very frank with everyone about our struggles. Of course now when people see pictures of my kids they always seem to WANT to know more of the story, and I am always quick to point out that while we now would not have it any other way it took us a long road to get to our adoption. And that we were not rescuing anyone but simply building a family in a non-traditional sense. People always seem surprised about our infertility too--anyone even remotely in the know nearly always has an open mouth when I say "five failed IVF cycles"--almost as surprised as they are to learn that I (vegetarian long distance runner) take cholesterol medication. Ha.
ReplyDeleteI'm so far out of the IF closet, I think I wear it as a badge...I tell anyone who will listen how hard fought for my daughter was. It's been a long road and the hopes at having more gets farther and farther away. I guess I am so taboo I figure I might as well throw another taboo topic on top of it all. Good for you for letting it slip and feeling good about being honest.
ReplyDeleteI'm way way out of the closet too. It stops people in their tracks at times, and I figure if it helps anyone else to know that someone's been through it, why not. I'm not at all ashamed of what we went through to have K.
ReplyDeleteI had a very similar moment with a Dad at the park this past week. K was pushing his 1-year-old on the swing as he pushed his 3 and 4.5 year old boys, and he said something to me about how K obviously needs a little sibling. I said it had taken a long time to have her and wasn't looking likely. He dropped the topic pretty quickly after that.
We're definitely lucky to have our wonderful girls.
I have had several times recently when I have definitely alluded to our struggles, and once when I came out and told someone, although I did know her pretty well and she is pregnant and was asking me if I did amnio or CVS. (I felt I had to explain why I didn't feel the need to do either, since our donor was only 19.) But ever since I have come out the other side of the tunnel, I feel like I really don't mind who knows anymore - I am proud of our accomplishment and sometimes just want the rest of the world to understand how special our J-dog is.
ReplyDeleteI so far out of the closet. I have been for a long time. I find it easier to deal with the prying questions of just about everyone! "When are you having kids", "isn't it about time for you to think about a second child", etc. etc. I have found that it stops people in their tracks and they don't ask you about it as much. I'm glad you felt good about your conversation with your new friend in the park (and I'm glad she seemed to handle it pretty well too!)
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