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I did it. I had the talk with my dad tonight. The big reveal. For those of you that can't recall the details (What? You don't remember every detail of my life? How can that be??) click here to read up.
I was nervous beforehand. Like very very nervous. Butterflies in tummy nervous. I called his home, and no answer. Argh! So I left a message, and tried his cell. Again no answer. Argh again! So I had to wait. Just because I can't have anything happen in my infertility journey without some form of waiting.
About an hour later, he called me back. He told me he and my step-mom had been out for dinner. My stomach dropped, because I really wanted to have this conversation when my step-mom wasn't around. I asked where my step-mom was now, and he said she had stayed out shopping. Whew, so he was alone.
So I launch into telling him that Mr. P and I will not be in town when they come to visit at the end of the month. I tell him that we've been trying to have kids for over 2 years, both a year on our own, and a year of doing 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs locally. We've decided to look outside the state for our care moving forward. So we will be at that clinic when they will be visiting here. He was not surprised to hear of the IF stuff, and suspected that we had been trying for awhile. I then said that the reason we had not told them what was going on sooner was mostly because of my step-mom. I told him while I knew she means well, she talks a lot and can unintentionally say hurtful things. He started to give advice on how I could talk to her about this, and I said that I didn't feel I could have that conversation directly with her. I asked him to talk to her instead of me, and he agreed.
He started to ask for details, like where we going, and what sort of treatment we were doing, but I said I really didn't want to get into doctor's names, given they were both physicians and they might have personal or professional opinions on our docs. He said ok. I also said that I didn't want to get into details of the treatment, and he was very cool about that, saying he felt that was personal, and between me and Mr. P. I did say that he shouldn't expect anything from us about this for awhile, I would not be pregnant soon.
He was very nice about it all, and although he fished around a few times about where we were going, what doc we were seeing, and what treatment I was beginning, he respected the limits I gave back. So he wished us good luck, we chatted for a few minutes more about my niece, and then got off the phone. About 20 minutes total for the call.
I feel good, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I still have the privacy and boundaries I need to have with them, but at least they understand some of where we've been coming from over the last year. He said it actually made more sense, looking back. So that's good too.
Now if this IVF crap would actually work, then I'd really have something to call them about!
Labor Day weekend was nice and relaxing. Mr. P and I stayed home, cooked, brunched, and watched baseball on TV. After traveling a lot in August, it was nice for both of us to be home, be together and just be. I tried to soak it in, because I have a feeling we won't have much of that in September.
But lurking, way back in the corners of my mind, there is a war going on. The classic, predictable, but very real war of my emotions about the upcoming IVF #3. Hope versus fear. Calm versus panic. Desire versus detachment.
In many ways, this feels like my first round of IVF, all over again. New clinic, new protocol, new meds, everything feels new. And with that, the excitement, the hope of newness. I want this to work so badly, I hope that we have finally gotten to the right place, the right diagnosis, everything right this time. I hope, I wish, I even occasionally believe. Just like I did the first time.
But I was so innocent then, so naive. That first time, I didn't even consider it wouldn't work. I mean, sure, we knew the stats, we knew the risks. But we never thought that would be us. Not really, truly, in our hearts. But I'm not that person anymore, how can I be? I've ridden this roller coaster, more than once, and I know all the curves, dips and free-falls before they are even in sight. I know.
And this knowledge fills me with doubt and fear. And the what ifs. Oh, those evil what ifs, they keep me up at night. They creep into a lazy, happy afternoon.
What if I don't respond well to this new protocol?
What if my eggs are suddenly bad quality?
What if we get no blasts?
What if there are no genetically normal ones?
What if this treatment for the sticky ute protein thing doesn't work?
What if this cycle fails?
What if I can't get pregnant?
What if we can't have kids?
What if (insert millions of other fears here)?
But there are two sides in a war, and the hope tries to rally, and I tell myself to calm down. Reframe. Distract. Try to be in the moment. Workout for endorphins. Anything else to keep the bad guys at bay. But I am struggling with it. Quietly, mostly. But it is always going on, in the back corners of my mind.
Please, let this work.
I have not posted about cooking in awhile, although I've been doing a fair amount of it. Corn on the grill, a new lemon vinaigrette, lots of grilled chicken every which way. But today, I felt like making something I grew up eating. And it is truly a taste of late summer, when the tomatoes are ripe and the basil is becoming overgrown. Or if you live in the city like me, the farmers' market is brimming with these items. This is a recipe my mom called "Heartburn sauce" not because it causes you heartburn, but rather it is taken from Nora Ephron's book Heartburn. This is a recipe for those of you that don't like to cook, or think you can't. In fact, there is no cooking involved, except for boiling water. Heartburn sauce
5-ish large tomatoes, peeled, seeded and chopped fairly small
1/3 to 1/2 cup of good E.V. olive oil
1 garlic clove, peeled and halved or smashed
1 cup basil, chopped
salt (a fair amount, I'd say 1-2 tablespoons of coarse salt)
red pepper flakes to taste
Mix everything together in a bowl. Let it sit on the counter for a few hours (do not refrigerate!). Fish out and remove garlic right before tossing with 1 lb. hot pasta. Serve with crusty bread to mop up the sauce.
Well, it's official. I started the IVF #3 cycle on Saturday. I began taking BCPs, which lasts for the next 2 weeks. I also picked up most of my meds at the pharmacy yesterday. Seeing all those meds makes it feel more real. And this time I'm on Men.opur and Nov.erel, which are the mix-and-inject meds. I've never had to mix my own meds before, so this feels a lot like my first IVF. Unsure about the meds, nervous anticipation about the injections. I'm sure it will become old hat after the first couple of times I do it, but it is new to me now. And without being too graphic, I've had a wretched AF this time. Not really painful, but the ...umm ...texture ...ummm ...well, it was more like chunky monkey than vanilla. Blech. Not sure if that was because of the endo biopsy, or just the way things were this month. But, blech. I'm also finalizing travel plans for my time at the far away clinic. I think I've settled on a hotel, mostly on dates. It is really happening! It seems surreal after so much waiting, we are beginning again.
For those of us in the unexplained infertility category, you always wonder. Why is this happening, clearly something is not going as it should, why can't they find it? For the most part, this has been my experience. My first RE's explanation was "It's just nature, we can't control everything" meaning that spontaneous genetic abnormalities happen. And that's why it didn't work for me.
But I always had a sneaking suspicion that something else was going on. Things always went well, stimming went well, ER went well, fert went well, transfer went well. So what's left? Implantation. I always had this lingering, back-of-the-mind suspicion that something was off here. When asking my old RE about it, he just poo-poo'ed me, and said no, that couldn't be it. I didn't have endometriosis. And he would not look into it.
Well, the e-tegrity test results came back late yesterday, and just as I suspected. I lack this beta-3 integrin protein that facilitates implantation.
I knew it!!!
That was my reaction when the nurse told me. I felt vindicated in a way. I was right to ditch the other doc, I was right to push for this test. Ha! I knew it!
But where does this leave me, once the vindication wears off? Well, I'm not 100% sure. I woke up today feeling a bit more scared about the whole thing. The nurse said it was good we were planning a freeze-all cycle, since now they need to treat me before transfer. They are recommending 2 months on De.po Lup.ron, before doing the FET. I have not had much of a chance to ask Dr. Google about what these results mean, and what this treatment is about. That is today's plan. If you know about this at all, please leave a comment about your experience. I'm trying not to freak out without more information and knowledge. After I get that, then I'll freak.
In other news, I also found out that our karyotypes were normal, no translocations! So that's great! And I got my official IVF calendar, because lovely AF showed yesterday. On time, again!
Dear Auntie, I apologize for all the mean comments I've mead about your timeliness, your senility, your sense of direction. I take it all back. You have been right on time, and I thank you for that.
That's where it all stands now. Ordering meds, getting ready to start BCP tomorrow. It's hard to imagine after months of waiting, I am moving again. But it's happening. Keep your fingers crossed for me, hell, keep 'em crossed for the next month!
Thanks to all of you that left well-wishes after the biopsy! It is just so nice to hear from you all, and know that I'm not alone. Seriously, thanks.
I'm back to normal, a little spotting left, but it has really decreased since Monday. I sort of thought it would just blend into AF (I usually spot some 1-2 days before she arrives), but it seems to be lessening. I'm on CD 27 today, so hopefully by Friday, she'll be here. If you happen to see her wandering around, please direct her over to my house. Thanks.
Mr. P and I looked at the cost of all this again yesterday. We need to pay a bunch before I start injections in a few weeks. Now, for all of you self-pay people, just skip this next part. Go on, I'll see you at the next paragraph. Up until now, all of our IF diagnostics and treatment have been covered by insurance. Meds too. Sure, I had a co-pay here and there, but nothing out of pocket. All 4 IUIs and both IVFs. Fully covered. Yes, I am very very thankful for this.
Working with the far away clinic is a big lesson on the cost of health care and insurance coverage. Again, we still have great insurance, which will reimburse some. But this is new to us, and figuring out exactly what we'll pay for and what will be covered has been confusing. In network, out of network, reimbursement rates, its so much to keep track of! It would be easier if I just knew it will cost XX amount, and budget for that. But we will get some covered, but not exactly sure which parts, and what % they will cover. We're budgeting for the worst. And what is frustrating is that if we stayed here, locally, it would still be fully covered. But I just can't feel good about that option - given the poor results we've gotten so far with the local clinic. So pay we will.
And Mr. P is leaving tonight on a business trip out of the country. He'll be gone til Sunday, which isn't that long, but it seems like it to me. And there is something about him being farther away (in another hemisphere!) that will make me miss him more. But as he says, "We gotta pay the bills!" so off he goes.
I'll call the nurse tomorrow to get test results, so I'll update when that happens.
I had a fun morning. After getting up, showering, taking 4 Ad.vil, and dropping off the dry cleaning, I had my GYN appointment. They've moved offices since I was there about 18 months ago. Yup, as I was reminded today, the last time I was there I was about 6 months into TTC on our own. Such blissful ignorance I had then. But, relevant to this story, the office was not in the same place. So I had a mini-freak out trying to find the new place, and end up parking in the wrong garage. Hey, what's another $21? Chump change for any IF girl.
I finally got there. I forgot what a big practice this is. Huge waiting room, full of pregnant ladies, uncomfortable looking husbands and kids of all ages. Oh, and me. After about a 15 minute wait, they call me back. The doctor comes in to talk to me, she is not my normal doctor, but I had to schedule with her to be seen on the day I needed. Fine, what's another doctor looking up my nether regions? She seems nice enough. After showing her the box of stuff the e-tegrity test people sent me, we're ready to go.
She warns me, "This is going to be uncomfortable, like really bad menstrual cramps." Yeah, I know. I'm loaded up on 800mg of Ad.vil, so bring it on.
The whole thing took about 5 minutes. Standard speculum insertion, and washing the cervix with iodine. Then about 1 minute of sharp pain/cramping when she inserted the pipette through my cervix and scraped out a sample. This was followed by cramps. I'd recently heard about a research study where they found the ability to endure pain was increased if the person could swear. So I was alternating deep breathing with some choice cussing. I think at one point I even said, "I hate those fucking people that can get pregnant on their own!" The doc chuckled I think.
The sample (which was big, like several inches long!) was all packed up, and I went straight to Fed.Ex to send it off. Came home, put on sweatpants, and here I am. Feeling mild cramps, spotting a fair amount, but otherwise ok. I should get the results Thursday or Friday.
So I survived. And I think I have now done all the possible invasive GYN tests. While I may have to repeat a procedure, I don't think there is anything else that would be new to me. So I got that going for me. Gotta find the silver lining somewhere.
