Labor Day weekend was nice and relaxing. Mr. P and I stayed home, cooked, brunched, and watched baseball on TV. After traveling a lot in August, it was nice for both of us to be home, be together and just be. I tried to soak it in, because I have a feeling we won't have much of that in September.
But lurking, way back in the corners of my mind, there is a war going on. The classic, predictable, but very real war of my emotions about the upcoming IVF #3. Hope versus fear. Calm versus panic. Desire versus detachment.
In many ways, this feels like my first round of IVF, all over again. New clinic, new protocol, new meds, everything feels new. And with that, the excitement, the hope of newness. I want this to work so badly, I hope that we have finally gotten to the right place, the right diagnosis, everything right this time. I hope, I wish, I even occasionally believe. Just like I did the first time.
But I was so innocent then, so naive. That first time, I didn't even consider it wouldn't work. I mean, sure, we knew the stats, we knew the risks. But we never thought that would be us. Not really, truly, in our hearts. But I'm not that person anymore, how can I be? I've ridden this roller coaster, more than once, and I know all the curves, dips and free-falls before they are even in sight. I know.
And this knowledge fills me with doubt and fear. And the what ifs. Oh, those evil what ifs, they keep me up at night. They creep into a lazy, happy afternoon.
What if I don't respond well to this new protocol?
What if my eggs are suddenly bad quality?
What if we get no blasts?
What if there are no genetically normal ones?
What if this treatment for the sticky ute protein thing doesn't work?
What if this cycle fails?
What if I can't get pregnant?
What if we can't have kids?
What if (insert millions of other fears here)?
But there are two sides in a war, and the hope tries to rally, and I tell myself to calm down. Reframe. Distract. Try to be in the moment. Workout for endorphins. Anything else to keep the bad guys at bay. But I am struggling with it. Quietly, mostly. But it is always going on, in the back corners of my mind.
Please, let this work.
Repeat: Cold Peace
1 day ago
I know exactly what you mean about all the emotions that conflict back and forth. I'm on your Hope train and I have a good feeling about the new clinic and the new protocol. Just don't make yourself too crazy before the real craziness starts. :-)
ReplyDeleteWhat if you do respond well to the new protocol?
ReplyDeleteWhat if your eggs are great quality?
What if you do get blasts?
What if you do get genetically normal ones?
What if the beta-3 treatment does work?
What if this cycle succeeds?
What if you do get pg?
What if you can have kids?
You will then finally be a mommy!!!! I totally get it though, I go through all that warring with each cycle too. Here's hoping that you end up with this list of what if's. Cheering you on!
I love Jill M's comments above. I know it's easier said than done (and I feel like a hypocrite saying it) - but try to stay optimistic!!! Thinking about you and cheering hard that you win the war!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you were able to stay home and relax this weekend. I think that a fresh start can also be a reason for optimism.
ReplyDeleteI also didn't really think that we wouldn't be successful on round #1 - and thanks to supportive online community members (like you!) I remain optimistic.
So, know that we are cheering for you and remain a place to vent your fears. Good luck!
Keeping you in my thoughts!!!
ReplyDeleteThink positive!! Take it one day at a time!! (SOOOOO much easier said than actually done)
I agree with Jill's comments - I am hopeful for you, too ~ it sounds like this could be it for you!
ReplyDeleteGood luck!
I hope that all the newness works in your favor. I'll be thinking about you.
ReplyDeleteIts amazing how easy and tempting it is to sink into the pessimism. Squelching all hopes is a tempting defense mechanism. I hope that you and hope can go on the offensive and win this war. I hope this is your cycle! I will be here cheering you on!
ReplyDeleteETA: My word verification is prophise - I'm taking it as a sign for you. :)
Try to find some peace despite all the negative thoughts and worries that creep in. It's so hard to stay positive through all this, but the end result will be so worth it!
ReplyDeleteIt's so hard, this battle between hope and worry. I've never done IVF, but I think if I ever have the chance, I will try visualization - I will try picturing everything going just right, as you say it will, over and over again. Then, when the time comes, I imagine my body will know all the dance steps. I don't know if this idea is helpful to you at all, but it occured to me when I was reading your post. I think it sounds like you're doing all the best things for yourself to feel rested and healthy. I am sending you lots of good energy!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Maddy
Hang in there. I just counted and there are a bazillion blogs of people out there who have felt like you, been there and now have happy rug rats to keep their thinking braincells happy. In a world where everything goes at 10 million miles an hr, we are not used to slow processes that take time to work out like the infertility "local" train. Its a real skill to learn how to deal with long term stressful situation. I'm with Mad hatter - do visualisation... dream... have fun thoughts with Mr P and go think of some answers to Jill's excellent questions!
ReplyDeleteOh, Pie, I know how hard it is to start hoping again at the beginning of every try! We've been disappointed so much more often than rewarded and it's hard to hold out hope. But hang in there, I LOVE a new start and a new plan!
ReplyDelete