Depending on who you ask, I may or may not be in the second trimester. Which is supposed to be a time of decreased stress for the pregnancy, given the decreased risk of miscarriage.
But, as I mentioned in my last post, I don't feel like this "normal pregnant lady" wisdom really applies to me. Many first trimester miscarriages are due to chromosomal issues, and given we transferred a euploid blast, this has not been a big concern for me. To me, I've been much more scared of cervical incompetence, which if it is gonna rear its ugly head, will do so moving forward. In the second or third trimesters. I had a LEEP procedure way back when (in my early 20s) and am forever worried that my cervix is not fully intact.
So while I've had lots of people say to me, "Oh great, you've reached the second trimester, it is smooth sailing from here!" I feel just the opposite. Let the worry begin (or continue!!). I tell ya, I am not having the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" pregnancy. Not by a long shot.
I'm feeling physically about the same as the past few weeks. Energy is better. Only mild queasies at night. Minimal to zero spotting (hooray!!). Boobs look weird. Beer gut in full force.
I would love to be the content pregnant lady. And occasionally I can be her. But honestly, I can't pull it off often. You'd think once you get pregnant - FINALLY! - you get everything you've wanted. It is everything I've been working towards for 3 years, right? But it hasn't been that way, so far. I'm still the scared IF-scarred person. I still expect the odds-defying awful to happen to me.
And just reaching the second trimester doesn't take this fear away.
Repeat: Cold Peace
1 day ago
Sorry you have to have all the fears of an IFer...It's just not fair. I am happy that you are now at 13 weeks. Try to enjoy every moment.
ReplyDeletePie - totally hear you and completely predict that should we be so fortunate as to follow in your footsteps, I will be having exactly the same fears. Has your OB been responsive to this concern? Is there anyway they can monitor your cervix by u/s more often to put your mind at ease a bit? This is what I think I will be asking for, barring Will's ability to actually sneak an u/s machine out of the hospital and into our apt so I can figure out how to do cervical checks myself.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any words of wisdom for you. Keeping you in my thoughts.
ReplyDeleteI can soooo relate to the incompetent cervix due to leep fears!!!! They haunted me almost my entire pg. Talk to your ob about it and get cervix checks with u/s every 2 weeks if they will let you. I had 1 leep in 2004 and my cervix held up great, actually so well that it didn't want to dilate when needed. Turns out scar tissue was holding it shut. Hope this helps your worries some.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had something useful to say. I wish it were different for you, that you could live each day to the fullest and feeling happy and content. Damn IF.
ReplyDeleteAll of your thoughts and fears make perfect sense. Yay for time moving forward so that you can reach a sense of peace.
ReplyDeleteI felt the same way. I started to feel better at 28 weeks, when I knew I'd have a good chance of a take-home baby with no major issues. You're getting there!
ReplyDeleteI definitly understand the fear of cervical issues. Though I have not yet begun trying for a family this fear has been with me since I was 19, when I also had a LEEP.
ReplyDeleteIt was almost five years ago and that fear has never gotten less. The LEEP for me was also the last resort after a number of other treatments, including a freezing so no one really knows how messed up my cervix may be.
I can't sympathize with the infertility part as I have not experienced it but the LEEP ramifications are a big enough scare on it's own that it must be hard to deal with both.
Unfortunatly,incompetant cervix isn't the only complication that can come of a LEEP, failure to dialate is another posibility and that means a c-section regardless.
You have however passed the biggest bump in the road and being 13 weeks gives you a very good chance of a take home baby. Just demand cervical monitoring (which they should do anyway) and all will be well. Don't hesitate to get a cercalage if it's necessary either. I continue to keep you in my thoughs and hope for the best outcome possible for you and your family.
i'm not sure if i've ever commented on your blog before or not... but i've been silently following your story for some time.
ReplyDeletei am so totally with you ... i'm not pregnant now (gearing up for ivf#1 in the next several weeks), but my fears for a future pregnancy are exactly the same.
Step 1: get pregnant
Step 2: stay pregnant through first trimester
Step 3: hope like hell baby doesn't fall out because of incompetent cervix (due to chryo therapy and leep a few years ago) in second or third trimester.
ideally, i'd like to wake up on the day i'm giving birth - at 40 weeks! sigh.
i'm hoping for a smooth 2nd and 3rd trimester for you and will continue following along :)
aargh, I didn't know that about the LEEP! I had one, too! I thought once I hit the great BFP, it'd be all roses and rainbows. But argh, I've discovered the fears just get more detailed and creative!
ReplyDelete