This weekend marked 16 weeks. It sounds like really far in some ways to my ears, but it feels like not far at all. Will the fear ever disappear?
We attended a 40th birthday party for a friend this weekend, and saw the "extended family" group of friends. Ya know, the ones that have moved to the 'burbs, and we don't see on a regular basis. So anyway, while I'm not really showing yet (I'm still in the have-you-seen-how-much-weight-Pie-has-gained phase), I was drinking only water. (Although funny side note, the girl that walked down the aisle at 20+ weeks while denying she was pregnant, said "Oh wow, you are beginning to show!" and I smiled, cupped my belly and said, "Yeah, 16 weeks!" hahaha)
And Mr. P, who is so happy about all of this, told a few of our friends we had not seen recently. So it was big news at this party that I was pregnant. I guess I am officially out.
You'd think this would be happy. You'd think this would be exactly what I've been waiting for. Any in a small part of me, it is. I am more than overjoyed and grateful to be at this point.
But, honestly, I do not feel like I am even close to being out of the woods. The fear is still very real. And all the doppler scans in the world won't change that. It is fear of the future, not fear of the right now. Although right now is dicey too, I guess.
I've personally known of someone who, after doing amnio (so genetic testing) went in for her 20 week u/s, only to discover that the baby had a rare genetic mutation that was not compatible with life. Not something that would show on chromosomal analysis. Devastating, to say the least.
So now everyone knows I'm pregnant, and I'm still scared of the worst. As if, now that we're out, we're jinxing something. Tempting fate. When talking to one friend, a mother of two and a pediatrician to boot, she asked about when I'd have a shower. I can't even go there at this point, and said so. I said I was too superstitious to even think about baby stuff, or showers, or any of that. It is too soon. She asked when I would feel comfortable. After the 20 week u/s? Maybe... After the viability threshold (24 weeks)? Yeah, maybe...
And it sort of hit me. Will I ever feel comfortable? Will I ever think this may actually work out? Geez, I hope so, because this doubt/fear crap is tiring.
Repeat: Cold Peace
1 day ago
Personally, I started having contractions at 16 weeks, just after I outed myself at work. I didn't out myself on facebook until 24 weeks. After 28 weeks, I felt much better, just knowing that if my baby was born then, she'd be less likely to have any major problems. I did feel better after the level II U/S though, knowing that everything looked good. You will get there at some point, and will probably also feel better once you're feeling the baby moving, because you regularly have reassurance that he/she is alive and well.
ReplyDeleteI was riddled with fear the ENTIRE pregnancy. Even in the final weeks I was convinced that something was going to go wrong. I think it is part of the curse of IVF...we learn to not take anything for granted. And it does honestly decrease some of the joy of pregnancy, which is such a shame. Just know that what you are feeling is 100% completely normal. But each week that goes by you'll slowly let yourself accept that you are going to be a mommy and that the odds of something going wrong are infinitesimal compared with things going right!
ReplyDeleteI haven't been pregnant, but I can only imagine that what you are feeling is normal. Unfortunately, you've had to wear that bitter infertile hat for so long, you're just waiting for the other shoe to drop. It's too bad that our past experiences make us feel that way.
ReplyDeleteI wrote what I'm about to write to you, on someone else's post yesterday.
ReplyDeleteRevel in the now. You have no control over tomorrow. What do you know right in this moment? Right now you're 16 weeks pregnant. Enjoy it.
Lastly don't let anyone rush you into "feeling comfortable", that moment will come in time, heck it might not even come til you're holding your child in your arms for the first time....until that point, just enjoy the moment, day to day.
x
Congrats on being outed!! I'd like to think that eventually you'll become comfortable and feel safe but from reading other IF prego blogs it doesn't always work out that way. It seems like one fear just replaces another constantly. But hey, thats sorta to be expected.. you've wanted this for so long and you've been through so much to get here that of course you're feeling anxious. So don't beat yourself up about those feelings. Also, as for the terrible story you mentioned about th rare genetic mutation that was found after 20 weeks, well i think the important part to focus on there is that it is RARE, as in hardly ever happens. Yeah, you'll find horror stories for every pregnancy milestone and yes there are terrible things that happen to some babies at late stage pregnancy but those really are rare. They are not every day occurrances and its probably not worth worrying too much about that. Your bubs hasn't let you down yet and the odds are so in your favour now. Hang in there, i'm sure its ridiculously hard to do and I personally think you're doing a great job so far. xxxx
ReplyDeleteGirl, I don't know how you've kept this a secret! I shouted from the roof tops and told everyone the day I found out. I wish I could tell you the fear goes away, but it doesn't. There's always something we can find to worry about. I don't think the worry stops till they turn 18 of maybe not even then. Now I worry that something is going to take Tyler away from me. I'm always reaching over and making sure he's still breathing. Just try to enjoy this to the fullest despite the fear because it goes by sooooooo fast and you've worked so hard to get here. Hugs
ReplyDelete