One down...

...and about 60 more to go. Shots, that is. I had my first shot of MDL this morning, my first shot since the beginning of May. It was fine, but I forgot it is a shot, and it hurts a bit. Not bad, but I actually thought to myself, "Huh, it hurts." Not sure what I expected.

Anyway, now that I'm done with that first step, I start focusing on packing and getting organized for the trip. I think I'm leaving Sunday. I'm driving, not sure if I've mentioned that here. I have a friend who is also cycling at the far away clinic, and we decided to caravan road trip out there. I'm looking forward to the drive, I really like to drive. Sing at the top of my lungs, listen to books on tape (or CD these days, did I just date myself??), chat on the phone (hands-free of course). We're not going to push it, so it will take us 2 days, which will put us at the far away clinic on Monday night.

And I am also in the process of transferring my one frozen blast to the far away clinic. We had to get all these releases notarized yesterday, and today I have to send them off. This way this blast can be included in the CGH/MA on the many other (I hope!) blasts from this cycle. More paperwork, more money. But hey, maybe that little snowbaby is the one! Ya never know.

All Aboard!!

'Cause the IVF train is leaving the station!

Yup, I had my ultrasound and blood work today - and got the all clear. I begin the MDL on Thursday morning. My first injection in almost 5 months. Feels like an eternity ago. Then real stims join the party on Saturday.

Chug, chug, chugging along...moving forward feels great so far!

Weekend re-cap

We had a good weekend, the weather here has finally gotten nice and summery. Right in time for fall, but whatever, I'll take it. On Saturday, a good friend's band played at a local festival in a park, and it was fun to sit in the grass and hang out.

And yesterday was my niece's birthday party. I baked her a cake, and spent much of Sunday morning on that. This is only the second cake I've made from scratch, so nothing too crazy, just a vanilla layer cake with whipped cream filling and chocolate frosting. It looked cute, with pink writing and pink and white polka dots.



The party was fun, a casual cookout with several kids and adults. I was surprised I did well at this event, it was fun to watch all the kids (oldest there was 4) interact with each other and play. The green monster of jealousy barely reared it's head.

And last night was my last night of BCP. Tomorrow morning I go in to the now-mean-to-me old clinic for my suppression check u/s and blood work. I've had on and off very light spotting since my last (chunky monkey) period, so I'm a bit nervous about tomorrow. I hope everything is doing what it should (or I guess not doing anything at all) down there. If all goes well, I get the all clear to begin injections on Thursday. Micro dose lup.ron only for 2 days, then full-on stims on Saturday. I think it will be 4 injections each day. I hope I have enough space on my tummy.

It should be an interesting week.

The big talk

I did it. I had the talk with my dad tonight. The big reveal. For those of you that can't recall the details (What? You don't remember every detail of my life? How can that be??) click here to read up.

I was nervous beforehand. Like very very nervous. Butterflies in tummy nervous. I called his home, and no answer. Argh! So I left a message, and tried his cell. Again no answer. Argh again! So I had to wait. Just because I can't have anything happen in my infertility journey without some form of waiting.

About an hour later, he called me back. He told me he and my step-mom had been out for dinner. My stomach dropped, because I really wanted to have this conversation when my step-mom wasn't around. I asked where my step-mom was now, and he said she had stayed out shopping. Whew, so he was alone.

So I launch into telling him that Mr. P and I will not be in town when they come to visit at the end of the month. I tell him that we've been trying to have kids for over 2 years, both a year on our own, and a year of doing 4 IUIs and 2 IVFs locally. We've decided to look outside the state for our care moving forward. So we will be at that clinic when they will be visiting here. He was not surprised to hear of the IF stuff, and suspected that we had been trying for awhile. I then said that the reason we had not told them what was going on sooner was mostly because of my step-mom. I told him while I knew she means well, she talks a lot and can unintentionally say hurtful things. He started to give advice on how I could talk to her about this, and I said that I didn't feel I could have that conversation directly with her. I asked him to talk to her instead of me, and he agreed.

He started to ask for details, like where we going, and what sort of treatment we were doing, but I said I really didn't want to get into doctor's names, given they were both physicians and they might have personal or professional opinions on our docs. He said ok. I also said that I didn't want to get into details of the treatment, and he was very cool about that, saying he felt that was personal, and between me and Mr. P. I did say that he shouldn't expect anything from us about this for awhile, I would not be pregnant soon.

He was very nice about it all, and although he fished around a few times about where we were going, what doc we were seeing, and what treatment I was beginning, he respected the limits I gave back. So he wished us good luck, we chatted for a few minutes more about my niece, and then got off the phone. About 20 minutes total for the call.

I feel good, like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel like I still have the privacy and boundaries I need to have with them, but at least they understand some of where we've been coming from over the last year. He said it actually made more sense, looking back. So that's good too.

Now if this IVF crap would actually work, then I'd really have something to call them about!

Relaxation and War

Labor Day weekend was nice and relaxing. Mr. P and I stayed home, cooked, brunched, and watched baseball on TV. After traveling a lot in August, it was nice for both of us to be home, be together and just be. I tried to soak it in, because I have a feeling we won't have much of that in September.

But lurking, way back in the corners of my mind, there is a war going on. The classic, predictable, but very real war of my emotions about the upcoming IVF #3. Hope versus fear. Calm versus panic. Desire versus detachment.

In many ways, this feels like my first round of IVF, all over again. New clinic, new protocol, new meds, everything feels new. And with that, the excitement, the hope of newness. I want this to work so badly, I hope that we have finally gotten to the right place, the right diagnosis, everything right this time. I hope, I wish, I even occasionally believe. Just like I did the first time.

But I was so innocent then, so naive. That first time, I didn't even consider it wouldn't work. I mean, sure, we knew the stats, we knew the risks. But we never thought that would be us. Not really, truly, in our hearts. But I'm not that person anymore, how can I be? I've ridden this roller coaster, more than once, and I know all the curves, dips and free-falls before they are even in sight. I know.

And this knowledge fills me with doubt and fear. And the what ifs. Oh, those evil what ifs, they keep me up at night. They creep into a lazy, happy afternoon.

What if I don't respond well to this new protocol?
What if my eggs are suddenly bad quality?
What if we get no blasts?
What if there are no genetically normal ones?
What if this treatment for the sticky ute protein thing doesn't work?
What if this cycle fails?
What if I can't get pregnant?
What if we can't have kids?
What if (insert millions of other fears here)?

But there are two sides in a war, and the hope tries to rally, and I tell myself to calm down. Reframe. Distract. Try to be in the moment. Workout for endorphins. Anything else to keep the bad guys at bay. But I am struggling with it. Quietly, mostly. But it is always going on, in the back corners of my mind.

Please, let this work.

a taste of late summer

I have not posted about cooking in awhile, although I've been doing a fair amount of it. Corn on the grill, a new lemon vinaigrette, lots of grilled chicken every which way. But today, I felt like making something I grew up eating. And it is truly a taste of late summer, when the tomatoes are ripe and the basil is becoming overgrown. Or if you live in the city like me, the farmers' market is brimming with these items.

This is a recipe my mom called "Heartburn sauce" not because it causes you heartburn, but rather it is taken from Nora Ephron's book Heartburn. This is a recipe for those of you that don't like to cook, or think you can't. In fact, there is no cooking involved, except for boiling water.

Heartburn sauce
5-ish large tomatoes, peeled, seeded and chopped fairly small
1/3 to 1/2 cup of good E.V. olive oil
1 garlic clove, peeled and halved or smashed
1 cup basil, chopped
salt (a fair amount, I'd say 1-2 tablespoons of coarse salt)
red pepper flakes to taste

Mix everything together in a bowl. Let it sit on the counter for a few hours (do not refrigerate!). Fish out and remove garlic right before tossing with 1 lb. hot pasta. Serve with crusty bread to mop up the sauce.

It begins...again

Well, it's official. I started the IVF #3 cycle on Saturday. I began taking BCPs, which lasts for the next 2 weeks. I also picked up most of my meds at the pharmacy yesterday. Seeing all those meds makes it feel more real. And this time I'm on Men.opur and Nov.erel, which are the mix-and-inject meds. I've never had to mix my own meds before, so this feels a lot like my first IVF. Unsure about the meds, nervous anticipation about the injections. I'm sure it will become old hat after the first couple of times I do it, but it is new to me now.

And without being too graphic, I've had a wretched AF this time. Not really painful, but the ...umm ...texture ...ummm ...well, it was more like chunky monkey than vanilla. Blech. Not sure if that was because of the endo biopsy, or just the way things were this month. But, blech.

I'm also finalizing travel plans for my time at the far away clinic. I think I've settled on a hotel, mostly on dates. It is really happening! It seems surreal after so much waiting, we are beginning again.