I heart Bowser!

Halloween was fine, my niece came over to trick or treat. But she does not know what candy is, so it was more about the crinkley wrappers and pretty colors than eating candy. Next year, it may be a very different story.

I passed out over 250 pieces of candy! We got tons of kids, both from the neighborhood and some that come to our neighborhood because its easy to walk around. No new or creative constumes this year, lots of princesses, super-heroes and vampires.

Mr. P is out of the country again this week, so me and the cat are on our own. I'm planning to have some friends for dinner during the week, and to finish my Jane Austen marathon. And I'm still working out, and started doing strength training again last week. Boy, I've lost quite a bit of strength over the last 8 months. But I'm gonna get strong again, I'll be doing the Sha-Na-Na biceps soon enough.


Did I just date myself? Children of the 70s, don't tell me you don't remember Sha-Na-Na. Eating a TV dinner, watching Hee-Haw and Sha-Na-Na before the babysitter comes over? Yes? Maybe she'll let you stay up to watch Fantasy Island after the Love Boat?

C'mon, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

I love Jane!

This post has nothing to do with IF. Thank God.

I just had to say, I love me some Jane Austen.

I began reading her books just recently, around the time of the summer hormone holiday. Somehow I missed reading her in school, or as a teenager. But I'm catching up fast. So far, I'm through Pride-n-Predjudice, Sense-n-Sensibility, Emma, and have about 50 pages left in Mansfield Park. Northanger Abbey is next.

But best of all, I just finished watching the BBC miniseries of P&P. Ooooh boy, how good is that? Colin Firth has made a career out of being the perfect Mr. Darcy, and I love him for it.

Nothing lifts my spirits and keeps me distracted like some good ole romance/scandal/drama like Miss Austen dishes up. Thank you Jane!

The calm after the storm

For all of you that had to skip the last posts due my coarse language, welcome back. Things will be much more civilized moving forward. For today, at least.

Thank you yoga, meditation and deep breathing. You have helped calm my psycho tush down. And thank you to Mr. P for being angry right along with me, and then finding the silver lining in it all.

So we are not cycling again til January. And as Mr. P pointed out, this could very well be a blessing in disguise. One, no chance of being in a far away hotel over Thanksgiving. Now we can host Mr. P's family at our house for Turkey Day, which is very fun for me to plan and do. Two, a little more of a hormone holiday for me. Good idea for the actual holiday season. I can partake in a little libation and cheer. Three, we will have our genetic testing back before cycling again. We'll have a better idea of what we're up against, good or bad. Four, I might be able to go with Mr. P on his business trip out of the country, to a place I've always wanted to go - London. We'll see if the trip comes to be, but for now, it's nice to dream about.

I am calm again, and feeling more positive about it. I'm still not at all happy with the way it all went down, and the far away clinic has shown me several of its flaws. But this is IF, and we don't get to choose and control, and I need to be ok with that. Like I said before, yoga continues to remind me to live in the now, not in the future or past. And it reminds me to breathe, which is also helpful.

SWEARING AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!

Again, for the sensitive or proper types, do not read this post. I promise to play nice soon.


FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCK!


POAS today, and lo and behold - positive. Yay, right? Eh, not so fucking much.

I email my nurse and happily tell her the good news. Mind you, yesterday when I asked if I should even bother continuing to do the OPKs, she said keep testing and let me know. So I do.

Not more than 5 minutes after I hit send, she calls me. Wow, that was fast. Well apparently crappy news travels very fast around there (as opposed to useless news, which takes 3 weeks to schedule). Yup, she tells me that even though I could cycle based on my timing, they have no spots available for me on the surgery/lab schedule. Well, they do have some spots open, but they are being held by other departments, like donor egg and other clinics. And they won't play nice and share.

Fuck-a-doodle-do.

So now the soonest I could do a cycle would be starting in December, with an ER in mid-January. Not so far off, you say? Well, DH may be out of the country for several weeks in January. Because he has pushed back all this work stuff thinking January would be a safe month, what with me having to do Depot Lupron for 2 months. Before beginning prep for FET.

ARGH.

Add swear word here

So as not to offend any sensitive eyes, if you don't want to see me lose my shit, skip the next bit.


WHATTHEFUCKINGFUCK????? ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ahh, that felt better. I contacted the nurse today, asking for my cycle calendar that was held ransom by the phone call I had yesterday. I mentioned in my email to her that I wanted to iron out Thanksgiving plans with family.

She called me quickly and said, "The new protocol that Dr. Famous chose for you will not work for this next cycle, given our lab closure in mid December."

WHATTHEFUCK????? I asked him that yesterday and got "Oh no, that should be no problem, you'll be done before that."

ARGHHHHHHH!

But wait, all may not be lost, she says. Where am I in my cycle now? Maybe we can start this long-ass cycle now, as in today, and get you in. Along with some bribery of the lab, because they are also fully booked. So the nurse counts what day I am in my current cycle, today is CD 13. She needs to know my LH surge to tell me when to start meds.

So I run upstairs to my stockpile of OPK (donated to me from my older friend that got pregnant immediately and no longer needs them!) and POAS.

Wait.

Negative. Shit.

Go and find my records from when I cared when I ovulated (and this is depressing, it began in December 07) and see that only twice in a year did I have a positive OPK on CD12. All the other times were CD13,14,15.

So I may still be in the running. Otherwise, it's January for me.

GODDAMMIT! ARGHHHHHH!

Whew, times two

I am feeling relieved. I had both my local fibroid consult appointment, as well as the phone regroup with Dr. Famous. Why is it that all of these eventful things happen together? Why does the universe not spread out the excitement? Why clumps of action, followed by long stretches of waiting? Sigh....anyway....

First, the fibroid. I went to an new OB/GYN practice. I've never been attached to my old GYN, and as I described before, the practice was waaaay crowded and big. So I've been shopping for an new GYN anyway, and this new practice was recommended by an old co-worker. Long-winded story short, I loved this practice. Loved the professionalism of the receptionist - and all of you IF vets know how rare it is to find good receptionists/support staff. Loved the tech who did my u/s (and they had my favorite thing - the screen on the wall so the patient can see without craning necks) who was thorough and talked to me like I had a brain. And best of all, loved the doctor. She was honest, frank, straight-forward, explained everything to me until I completely understood. I loved her. So yay! If I can ever get pregnant, I've found my OB.

But that's getting ahead of myself. We must deal with the fibroid first. After taking lots of measurements, she said is was still fairly small (1.2cm x 1.2cm x 1.0 cm) and just barely protruding into the very lowest part of my uterus. Just under the endometrial lining. She said she was more concerned about scarring from removal than from the fibroid interrupting implantation. So she did not recommend removal.

Great! I was leaning this way anyway, so it confirmed what I had suspected. But doing IVF cycles can make it grow more (them fibroids love estrogen!), so we will have to keep an eye on it as we go forward.

And the phone call with Dr. Famous. Another long-winded story short, it went well. Yes, I am allowed to cycle again. Yes, my eggs are turning crappy, but aren't fully crap yet. So we are going to try a new protocol and I will cycle again in November. 4th time is the charm? I sure hope so.

Honestly, I'm not sure why we had to have that call with Dr. Famous. I guess this is their effort at being touchy-feely or connected to the patient. But I didn't really get anything new from it, and would have rather known all this a week ago. But whatever.

Sunny disposition?

Not much going on - still waiting around. No genetics results, the phone call with Dr. Famous is not til Wednesday, as is my fibroid appointment with a local doc. So I'm in an IF holding pattern. Again.

I had a child-filled weekend. I babysat for my niece on Friday, and took her to her park district "class". Which is just playtime for toddlers. It was actually really fun, and I only had very mild pangs of jealousy/sadness/longing. We played with toys, pretending to eat fake food and with a hide-and-seek Sessy Street toy. Then an "art project" and song time. It was very cute to see my niece interact with other kids and watch and imitate the teacher. That little girl really does melt my heart.

And we went to dinner with a couple that we've known a long time. In fact, they conceived their first child after a party we threw, whoopsie! She is now very pregnant now with their second child. I stared a little too long at her belly a few times. She is one of those very cute pregnant women, all belly, no fat or swelling. Sigh, she looked so cute, all I could think was I want to be pregnant. I want to feel full after eating only half my dinner because the baby is so big in my belly.

But I was surprised during all this that I didn't feel bitter. This is a new sensation for me - I was the person a few months back that got a kick out of thinking "I hate you" every time I saw a pregnant belly. But I'm not feeling that way these days.

Is this progress? Have I just been knocked down enough that I can't feel the pain anymore? Or is this just a temporary reprieve?

Who knows. But I'll take it.