There is war going on around here. It's a pretty good match up, the adversaries are both strong, wily and cunning.
It's Zen versus FreakOut.
And today, FreakOut seems to be winning.
I went for my monitoring again this morning, and it is still really slow. Biggest is only 11-ish. Barely any growth from yesterday. Maybe 1mm for some. Some others, nothing much.
As I met with the nurse to discuss the ultrasound, I started to cry. I asked her if I would be canceled, and she seemed to think no. But she seemed less than certain, so she consulted with the doc who was there that day (Dr. G for those in the know). He also said no canceling yet. All I could think and say was "This is going so badly." The nurse agreed it was a much slower response than last time, but again reminded me that doesn't mean bad. I'm not so convinced.
My E2 has also been really poop, Wednesday it was 101, Friday 300-something, and today 550-ish. So it is going up, but man, how low is that?? I was in the 900s on my first monitoring appointment last cycle. WTF? I'm still thinking this is bad.
So they are giving me tomorrow off from monitoring, keeping my stims high, and I'm also starting Cetro.tide. For those of you that have done this antagonist protocol, does it matter when I take the Cetro.tide? I know it has to be at the same time each day, but does it matter when?
I feel on the verge of tears all the time, and hell - I know it can't be the hormones, 'cause they are low says my bloodwork. I just can't believe how badly this is going. So FreakOut is winning today, Zen has left the building it seems. Mr. P is not around either, he is at a bachelor party this weekend (yeah, for the friends that got whoopsie-pregnant at age 40 before the wedding, Mr. P is the best man in this wedding).
Sigh, I miss Zen.
Repeat: Cold Peace
1 day ago
Hmmm - FreakOut's up and Zen's down. I say get out of your room and do something distracting tonight. Hear some music, see another movie, be around people - even if it is just browsing books (non IF related!) in a bookstore.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry and rooting for things to make a turn for the better!
I'm sorry FreakOut is winning today! =( I agree w/ gracieinbrooklyn...do something fun for yourself, rent a chickflick or try to do something fun and girly tonight. I hope you feel better and things turn around this cycle. ((hugs))
ReplyDeleteI freaked out continually during my last slow stim...read back in my blog and you'll see evidence of my freakishness! I did go get a CCRM massage and that was quite nice!
ReplyDeleteI know it's hard to stay strong but I don't think you're going to get canceled. But, be aware that the cetrotide will make you E2 go down I believe. At least I seem to recall it keeping mine from going haywire on IVF #3.
I hope your hubs gets there SOON!!
I'm sorry FreakOut is in the lead. I hope things turn around for you and that in the meantime you are able to reconnect with Zen. I like Gracie's idea of getting out and trying to take your mind off of it. Easier said than done when you are in a strange city for the express purpose of cycling, I'm sure!
ReplyDeleteShoot pie, I wish things were going better, but it ain't over yet. I know how hard it is to see the light at the end of the tunnel when you're knee deep in it, but if your Doc's not throwing in the towel yet, then all is not lost.
ReplyDeleteChin up.
I think you had every right to kick Zen out for the day. The ups and downs that come with cycling are so hard. I hope that things turn around in the next 24 hours. I further pray you find something to give you hope. Here's to praying your cycle continues!
ReplyDelete*big hugs*
I'm sorry things aren't moving as quickly as you'd like...I will be thinking Zen thoughts for you!
ReplyDeleteJust checking on you. Hope today was a better day...
ReplyDeleteRandom throught to maybe get zen back... slow could mean well cooked (think roast rather than fried chicken?) so you get a nicer batch of mature ones? Jus throught I would throw that out.
ReplyDeleteI totally understand freakout winning today. It is very scary and frustrating, but hopefully slow and steady will persevere and you will end up with a nice batch of good quality eggs. Still cheering you on Miss Pie.
ReplyDelete