I've been daydreaming (and ok, maybe internet surfing a bit too) about taking a vacation this fall. I've been looking at both family-friendly and adults-only places (sorry Critter) and thinking how nice it would be to get away for a bit. Warm blue ocean? Yummy tropical drinks? Yes, please!
I've been also looking at smaller houses. We sort of put the whole house hunting thing on hold several months ago, because I didn't want to be TTC and house hunting at the same time. But now I'm looking online again, and looking at smaller places than before.
Why tell you this, you ask? What do these things have in common, other that they take up way too much of my time?
I am doing these things because I don't think I'm going to get pregnant again. In my secret heart, the one I don't talk to others about (well, except for all you lovely people I don't actually know) I don't think this FET is gonna take. I am already planning my life as our family of three, and beginning to move on.
I haven't told Mr. P I've been thinking this way. I mean, what am I gonna say, really? We are going through with the FET, it is happening. But truly, I don't think there is a chance in hell it is gonna work.
That is sort of f-ed up, don't you think?
Repeat: Cold Peace
1 day ago
Well, I think it's just one more way our hearts try to protect us from pain. If we expect the worst, we are only overjoyed when we get what others get so easily. That being said, it is also nice to picture your future as a family of three in a nice cozy house and know that that, too, will be alright.
ReplyDeleteAnd YES to a vacation on a warm tropical beach, sans kiddo. I mean, I am getting desperate for a real vacation and I think it's important to have some away time. Now if only I can find someone--ANYONE--who can handle both of our todbots so we can actually go somewhere... :)
My dear friend- I totally get it. I hope that you do have a wonderful BFP from the FET... and I will hold out all hope for you. :) But I get it- I get the planning for the future. I've started to wonder what if we aren't matched soon- what plans can I make so that I have something to look forward to. Chris and I LOVED St Lucia.. would go back in a heartbeat! I'm just saying...
ReplyDeletePie... you are taking a totally human approach to all of this.... Hoping for the best, but preparing for the worst. Not a thing wrong with that :)
ReplyDeleteI totally understand the need to plan but try to keep the hope! You never know how the next FET will be!
ReplyDeleteA tropical vacation does sound nice!
I also think that expecting the worst is our way of trying to protect ourselves. Although, it doesn't really help when the worst happens...we are still distraught. I think it's great that you are thinking of what life might be like if you don't succeed with the FET. But don't forget to think about what life would be like if you get that BFP. It's just as ok to dream big as it is to keep ourselves grounded. I know that at some point moving on is the answer and it's nice to know that you are working towards accepting that. However, please don't give up hope just yet. You struck gold once, yes, but that doesn't mean it won't happen again. Knowing that you will be ok either way is a great state of mind. It shows how far you've come since beginning this ride all those years ago.
ReplyDeleteI get this. I found myself buying lots of non-pregnancy friendly clothes and planning a January trip to Mexico. It's definitely a coping mechanism.
ReplyDeleteBut I really think you have a great chance with this next FET. My money is on twins :) Deep breaths.
And thanks for your most recent comment. I didn't realize that about Trisomy 21...makes me feel a little better about it all.
I get this too. Especially now. I really hope your next/last FET works but if it doesn't, you and the critter girl be an awesome family of three. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI don't think its fucked up at all. I think its a coping mechanism. I feel the same way about my situation too. I have always felt that while I'm still young enough (is 40 young enough?!) to try, that I have to keep trying. I don't want to wake up at 45 or older and regret that I didn't go balls to the wall when I could. So all my efforts now are to (hopefully) have another child but also to avoid having huge regrets. I think what you're feeling is totally normal - but I hope like hell you're wrong!!
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