I'm here, still grieving. I am having a hard time coming to terms with "this is it" when I can't help but wonder if another cycle might give us more definitive answers.
Here's where my head is at: if I cycle again, and it is crap, that is much more of an answer - my eggs are crap, and that's that. Closure. An end I might be able to live with better than where I am right now. And if my eggs aren't crap - well, that's what we're after, isn't it?
Right now, all I can do is wonder. What if. What if my eggs aren't total crap yet? What if there is one good one we can get? What if, what if, what if.
I think I am going to broach this with Mr. P tonight. I've been really mulling it over with myself, and I keep coming back to the fact that I'm not feeling closure. I need to cycle to be sure.
Am I being dumb? Is this a total waste? I don't doubt I'm not in the clearest state of mind right now, help me weigh this out logically.
#Microblog Monday 594: Travle
16 hours ago
You're not being dumb. Everything you're feeling is my biggest fear if our one Frozen Embie doesn't take...
ReplyDeleteYou have to do what is best for you and your hubby.
xoxo
I think you do have to do what is right for you and what you feel in your heart. I hope you and the mister are on the same page.
ReplyDeleteI know we did our final cycle at CCRM we were only viewing it as Plan B and had already formulated a different Plan A which turned out to be spectacular! It helped me get through it. So maybe having other options on the table will help, just in case...
I absolutely get it. The drive to make sure you did your best is stronger than you realize. I don't think you should throw in the towel until you feel like you have complete closure. You might spend the next X amount of years questioning your decision. Cycling again will give you answers and maybe another child. I think you should discuss it with the husband. You are very strong and determined and from what I can tell you always think things through so don't doubt yourself now.
ReplyDeleteI feel your pain. My husband recently told me after we have gone through all of our frozen embryos, he's done with the whole baby making part of our lives. We've been at it for almost 6 years now and he's done with it. Funny, isn't it? How he gets to decide when he's had nothing done to him to get us a kid?
ReplyDeleteAs far as another cycle. I do not think you are dumb. I think if you feel you need this for closure, you need to do it. But I would definitely talk it out and look at all the pros and cons. Like you said you're in an emotional state right now and you need to make this decision with a clear head.
Good luck! I'm praying for you...
if you can afford it and you want to do it, why not?
ReplyDeleteYou need to do what you think is best. Most definitely not dumb. You don't want to look back a few years from now and regret that you didn't try everything that you could. Obviously money is a huge factor...good luck with the conversation with hubby.
ReplyDeleteI wish I could make this all make sense for you ... all I can do is tell you how I came to making my decision. Hubs didn't want to cycle again after our failed FET. He didn't want me to got through the process, put more drugs into my body, and generally have to endure all that we endure through an IVF cycle. That said, from my perspective, I didn't want to look back at 45 and have one single regret about not pursuing that last treatment and wondering what if. We talked a lot about that and for us, my fear of living with regrets down the line out-weighed his fear of having to go through it all again. I know its not an easy decision but my last chance IVF was very telling - we retrieved half the eggs and ended up with only 2 left on day 5. I am pregnant now (and hopefully will stay this way!) - it just takes one good one as I'm sure you've heard a million times before. The two years between my IVF's made a big difference - I was on twice the meds and produced half the eggs. If we didn't succeed - that would have been really tough, but I wouldn't have had regrets. I would have grieved in a different way. It wouldn't have been the "what if" type grieving - it would have been sadness that i was too old and it was too late. I don't know if this makes any sense .... but its how I felt making the decision to try one more time. I know you and your hubs will figure out whats best for you and your family ... i'm here thinking about you and supporting you no matter what.
ReplyDeleteI wish this were an easier juncture!
ReplyDeleteI also really wish fertility treatments weren't so dang expensive, because for most of us that is a huge factor.
Good luck figuring out the direction in which you will go!!
I would absolutely cycle again for one last chance if DH would let me. Hope your talk goes well.
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