Wow a week has gone by since I last posted. It feels like eons ago, and it feels like just yesterday since I got my last BFN.
Overall, I'd say I'm doing pretty well. I'm not in tears all the time, or really at any time, anymore. I can talk out loud about what happened without tearing up. I'm starting to remember the plans I had been making in my head, the plans for when I was done with treatments and began living my life again. I've even begun making some real plans, to travel to see family, friends and maybe to the beach.
But I am also finding myself daydreaming. Thinking about alternatives, making other kinds of plans. One popular daydream is of me becoming the IF urban legend, of trying like normal people (ya know, wink, wink, by like, giggle, giggle, having sex!) and getting pregnant. Since we aren't trying NOT to get pregnant, it could happen. Hypothetically speaking, at least. I'd say we have like a 1% chance, if that. But in my fantasy, we are the 1%. Wouldn't that be nice?
In another daydream, we cycle again at the far away clinic. We somehow figure out the Critter childcare impossibilities, have the financial resources to pull it all off, and I end up having my best cycle ever. And of course get pregnant. And have a baby. Wouldn't that be nice, too?
I even have a fantasy of doing an international adoption. Which of course in my daydream is easy, cheap and quick. Wouldn't that be nice, three?
So yeah, fantasy island is a nice place to visit these days. I'm not so sure that when I'm in reality-land that any of those fantasies are realistic or even what I really want (ok, maybe the first one would be ok), but it is fun(?) to pretend. Part of the healing I guess.
Repeat: Cold Peace
1 day ago
What are you doing on my island?? LOL! Stop by and say hi!
ReplyDeleteThat all sounds completely normal and part of the healing process. Definitely. And all three are not 100% fantasy, right? Give yourself some time to process all this. I've found talking to a therapist has really helped me work through some of the confusing thoughts and feelings associated with my failed pregnancy and future plans for TTC. I find myself going back and forth between wanting to jump into treatments again or just accepting our family the way it is. As with any big decisions, there are LOTS of factors and lots of various scenarios. Let yourself daydream and maybe that will help you find peace with whatever you end up deciding.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you my friend. I like to play fantasy island too- mostly as I drift to sleep at night. I hope that one day we do get a chance to complete our families and it isn't just a fantasy.
ReplyDeleteYou are in my thoughts...
It's all so hard, processing all of these emotions. I can comment on international adoption, naturally, and tell you that in MOST cases at least it is a guarantee of another child to love and raise vs those other potential possibilities. But cheap, easy, and fast? Not a chance unfortunately....
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
Yeah. I visit that place too. Where the miscarriage never happened and I am nearly 25 weeks pregnant. Or where I don't need to go in to morning monitoring and can instead hang out in bed or play with B. It's nice in that place. I should spend more time there.
ReplyDeleteso glad to hear you're doing ok, those bfn's can be ROUGH.
ReplyDeleteWell, if visiting fantasy island helps cheer you up, keep visiting! Still thinking of you as you figure out what's next.
ReplyDeleteI hear you and visit that same island myself these days!
ReplyDeleteI'm there with you too, with the thoughts of 1% in my head. I'm still jealous of the other pregnant people around me, and was in tears watching K's birth video last night, but other than that, I'm trying to enjoy my life the way it is now. It's hard sometimes, easy sometimes. It does suck to get my hopes up a little each month, even though I know the chances of success are so very very slim.
ReplyDelete