I'm not doing so well today. Or yesterday. I've been hit harder by this than I ever expected. Tears are constantly just below the surface and most little things will start me crying (poor Mr. P, little did he know asking me what I wanted for dinner last night would start me bawling).
I just cannot believe this is over for us. I just cannot believe it. I think when I said that I was ok with just the Critter, I hid from myself the knowledge that I still had 2 euploid blasts waiting for me. Surely one of them would be my kid, right? So I said, sure, fine, just the Critter is great, but secretly, unconsciously I knew I wouldn't have to go that route. I knew I had good blasts on ice, just waiting for me.
But now they are all dead. There are none left. They all died inside me, and that is that.
I really thought I'd have another chance, I'd have another go at pregnancy, at newborn-ness, at all of it. It feels like I'm getting a glimpse of what I imagine someone young feels when they are told they have a terminal illness and will die quickly. (and yes, i know, no one is dying here, other than my embies, and maybe part of my soul. i get that). I'm sure it this feeling of "Wait, I thought I had more time, I had plans, I thought I was going to do so much more, I wanted so much more" and not getting any of it. That's how I feel.
Yes, I am lucky. I have the Critter, and she truly is a miracle gift, that is even more clear to me now. But I'm sad for her too, wanting to give her a sibling, someone she would always have in her life, still her family once I'm gone. Now she will be alone. It just makes me so sad.
That's where I am today. I hate it here.
Repeat: Cold Peace
1 day ago
I'm really sorry.
ReplyDeleteYou are right -- it sucks and is a really unhappy place to be and I am so so sorry. I wish I could say something that would make it better, but I really don't know what that is, except just squeeze the Critter extra tightly today.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. So very sorry.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry. I know that these words won't help and I know that when I tell you that I went through feeling the exact same thing just a few short months ago it won't help but I am truly so very sorry for you :(
ReplyDeletePlease let yourself grieve this loss. Don't try to hide from the pain. It will find you one way or another. I sort of figured once it set in that you would feel this way. It's ok to be sad and it's ok to have wanted more. I hate that you are feeling this way but I totally get it. I think we can all understand your feelings. Take the time you need to grieve. I'm so very sorry, Pie. You didn't deserve this outcome.
ReplyDeleteI still feel exactly the same way, but the grief isn't as strong now.
ReplyDeleteProbably I'm being a little nuts, but I've been trying to convince myself of the advantages of having an only, whether it be lack of sibling rivalry and ease of travel and setting up activities. It took e a while to work around to those kinds of thoughts though.
Sad to say, the thing that actually helped was IMing an old IF online friend who had twin girls a month ahead of K's birth. She totally put my latest loss into perspective as we talked about how hard things are for her - she has a "normal" 2.5 year old, and one who has severe global developmental delay and is at the level of about a 7 month old. Her life sounds like it's living hell, with physio and OT appointments for the delayed twin, a live-in nanny to provide care for the girls while she works overtime to pay for the therpaies and the nanny. Her marriage is in a very rough patch right now, and she's depressed and anxious. She's almost suicidal, and has thoughts about how much better everyone would be if she and the delayed child would die in a car crash, and she left the other twin and husband to live on without her. (She says she couldn't live without the delayed child, but that her other daughter would be fine without her.) She also says that if she could turn the clock back 4 years and start over, she'd rather have no child than be in the situation she's in now. My heart just broke for her, and somehow hearing her story the day after my final BFN snapped me (somewhat) out of feeling so sad for myself and my poor only daughter.
I still have bad days of sadness, and days where I'm just so jealous of all women with a second or pregnant with a second, but I'm trying to hold on to the positives. I've probably got a 1% hope of every conceiving naturally, so I haven't given up entirely, but I think chances of actually having a second child are pretty much nonexistent.
Take time to grieve, love your Critter Girl with all your heart, and have a little wine and chocolate (I was cut off alcohol and anything with caffeine during the FET) to drown your sorrows if you want.
Hugs.
xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm exactly where you are, the only difference I had no hope for a sibling to begin with. I know your route is much harder because having hope turn into nothing would be so much worse, but in the end, we are still in the same place... it sucks!
ReplyDeleteI read your blog often, not sure if I have commented before. I am so so sorry that this cycle did not work. I know where you are right now. My daughter is the same age as yours and we got pregnant with our miracle second baby in May, fast forward to July, no heartbeat on the ultrasound. I really thought we would get a second chance with all of this, but it appears we really are going to be a family of 3. I found a group on babycenter for parents of onlies that has actually really helped me with dealing in this transition of thought. Just wanted to offer than info if you want it. I am so so sorry.
ReplyDeleteI am really sorry. It is true grief, letting go of something that was so important to you. I am sorry. Your critter girl is lucky to have you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Pie. This does suck, so much. Allow yourself to grieve, because this is a loss as much as any. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI do hope that Critter girl's snuggles help ease the pain.
I'm so incredibly sorry. I like what A said above - This is a loss, grieve, feel the pain. It sucks. Yes, you have critter girl, but you don't have the family you dreamed of or the family you dreamed of. and that's significant. hugs.
ReplyDelete