Wavering

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but I've found myself wavering in the last few weeks. Back and forth, back and forth, and back again.

As the time begins to draw near to make a decision about doing the hail-mary cycle, I'm wavering.

I sort of thought this might happen. As the sting of the two FET failures this summer wears off, I am thinking more rationally about cycling again. Not just FET prep, mind you, but full-on cycling. Like at least a week, probably more, away at the far-away clinic. With a toddler. At 40 years old. With semi-crappy eggs and potentially crappy lining.

It just seems like a daunting task, one I'm not 100% sure I'm up for anymore.

But then I see all the moms in the Critter's Gymbo class, pregnant and managing to raise a toddler too. And I think, hey, I can do that too! But then I have to remind myself, it is most likely that they did not have to go to the far away clinic (or any clinic, for that matter) and pay all the money and inject all the crazy-making hormones and go through all the hoops to get that pretty belly bump. Which I think makes a difference.

I dunno. I'm wavering. It's true.

again.

Good lord help me, it happened again. AGAIN.

Do you long-time readers remember my friend that had the whoopsie pregnancy a few months before their wedding? The girl that tried to pretend she wasn't 5 months pregnant in her wedding dress? Who got pregnant at 40, without even trying? Who then had their second kid (on their first try, mind you) 17 months later?

Can you guess where this is going? Yeah. Uh huh.

Baby #3, due in April. Mind you, she will be flirting with 43 at delivery. ARGH!

Oh, and to add insult to my already super-green-with-jealousy injury, they weren't even trying. Another fucking whoopsie. Which is shocking to me, given they should know how babies are made by this point. And of course they are, among our friends, voted most likely to divorce or kill each other. So glad they are bringing yet another child into the chaos that is their life.

Now they will have three kids under 3.

Fuck me.

Good times

Our first family vacation was a resounding success. It was so fun to see my sweet Critter Girl ask to go to the beach every day, and her eyes light up when she sees her swimsuit. She knows what that suit means - FUN!

She is so great on the airplane, a born traveler. I think the key is we get her her own seat, and she sits in her own car seat. It's familiar, she is used to being in it. She's used to having to stay in it for periods of time. And I don't have a squirming toddler in my lap. It is worth every penny of airfare to get her her own seat. Mr. P even registered her for her own frequent flier number. We use this awesome wheelie thing to wheel her ginourmous carseat through the airport. It can even be used with her in it - like a stroller. Genius.

She loved loved loved the beach - a girl after my own heart. Mr. P and I are warm weather people, and vacation can only mean one thing to us - beach. And Critter is no different it seems.

Now that we all happily survived our first vacation, e are already thinking about the next time. Good times, very good times.

22 months

Almost 2 years! I can't begin to believe it is only 2 months until you are two. Time really does fly when we are having so much fun! Let's see what happened this month...

Critter's Turn! You use this phrase a lot now. You have gotten the idea of taking turns, and you will tell me when it is my turn, or your turn, or your teddy bear's turn. Sometimes though, it is only your turn, forever. Working on sharing still.

Cry! You now say "cry" in the saddest voice when you are upset about something, particularly when Dada leaves for work. You'll say, "Dada leaving. Cry." And then sort of pout, sniffle, look sad, lay on the floor. Sometimes you actually cry too. I still think it is so cute, even though you are sad.

Regression. I don't know why, but you have regressed in some ways this month. You are having major separation anxiety again, after we were over that for a few months. I have to reassure you endlessly that even though Mama leaves, Mama always comes back. You want me in eye-shot at all times. Honestly, it has been a bit exhausting for Mama. I'm hoping we get through this phase soon.

Molars! You went for your first dentist visit this month. You did a nice job, I mean you screamed while they actually examined and cleaned your teeth, but you recovered well and didn't seem too upset. You now have 17 of your 20 baby teeth, because your first 2-year molar has already arrived. I knew something was up, you've been chewing everything in sight. It's hard to get a good look all the way back in your mouth though, so I'm not sure if any more have come in or are about to. Have to wait and see.

Another fun month, sweet Critter Girl. Gotta start planning that 2 year birthday party!!

Vacation

Sorry for the radio silence. I'm in a blog funk I guess. We are not really doing anything with the TTC/IVF/far away clinic stuff right now, so my mind is elsewhere.

Elsewhere, like Florida!! We leave on Sunday for a 6 night trip to the Gulf Coast. To say I'm excited would be an understatement. We haven't taken a family vacation (other than to visit family, which does not count as vacation) since the Critter was born. Long overdue, if you ask me.

It was originally going to coincide with a conference that Mr. P was attending. However, he dropped out of the conference (too long of a his-work-drama story) so now it is a real family vacation. I'm so excited for the Critter though. She has no idea what's coming.

For a girl that likes water as much as she does, there is a kiddie pool and the beach. I think just those two things will keep us busy for the entire week. Endless sandbox? Unlimited water? Done and done.

So bon voyage! See ya later, gators!

Day 3 results

Where does the time go? It's a mystery.

Anyway, I finally got my Day 3 testing results back. Just to show how different things are these days, I FedExed my blood back to the far away clinic last Wednesday, like a week ago Wednesday, and just got the results yesterday. Like 8 days later. Which just goes to show you, I'm not the same on-top-of-it girl I once was.

And just to show you I really have no clue what I'm talking about anymore, they don't test my TSH like I thought in my last post, but FSH. Duh. Oh yeah, I remember that FSH now.

(Question for all you smart endocrine girls out there - MTL, I'm looking at you - is FSH or any of these hormones tested at all altered by taking the syn.throid? Just wondering.)

So it was not as bad as I feared, which isn't to say it was all good either. FSH was 9.6, e2 was 23, LH was 3.8. So those are all good, within desired ranges. The bad news is my AMH has tanked to 0.8. Granted, this is expected with aging, but still doesn't bode well for retrieving lots of eggs. And as a reference, my AMH was 2.4 in '09.

Dr. Famous wants to have me on the same protocol I did in Jan '10, the same protocol that produced the Critter. Making sure to include the HGH, which I did last time too. No Tour de France win for me.

Again, I think we are not gonna cycle til the Spring (March? April?), but I'm glad these labs are done. One less thing, ya know? I'm still feeling a bit...Overwhelmed? Ambivalent? Detached? Scared?...about it all. I want the kid, I'm just not so sure I want all the drama that comes with making the kid. But such is life, and I must inject the bad in my ass to get the good, sweet-smelling, spit-uppiness that I crave.

not like riding a bike at all

When I contacted my nurse at the far away clinic to see about the logistics of cycling again, I ended the email by saying how it had been a while since I've cycled, and to give me any information I forgot to even ask about.

It's true, it feels like FOREVER and three days since I've done this. Almost three years, if you want an accurate number. January 2010. It is amazing how the mind works too. I have blocked out so much, forgotten all the crap that goes along with cycling in general, and cycling at the far away clinic, specifically.

Like Day 3 labs. Huh, forgot all about those. TSH (which given I'm on thyroid meds should be in a nice acceptable range), e2, LH, and AMH. I've forgotten what they all mean, what levels I should have, I've forgotten all of it. I used to live and die by these numbers, and now...poof, it's all gone. And of course the far away clinic will only let their lab run these tests, so I have to get a blood shipping kit sent to me, get the blood drawn on the right day, freeze it and ship it back to them. Which of course costs money, out of pocket money. Sigh, I forgot just how fast everything rings up there.

Honestly, I feel a bit overwhelmed getting back into this again. I don't have the time or energy to care as much as I used to, to be on top of things like that. And the cost, well, it weighs on me more now than it ever did before. Money that could be going to our house fund, or to stuff for the Critter.

I thought today, as I was working to get this shipping kit sent to me, that if my labs come back as total shit, maybe that will be enough for me to end this. But then I realized I have no idea what total shit labs would even look like!

It is beginning to feel a bit crazy around here. Stay tuned.