a blog goodbye

I know I have been a terrible blogger as of late. I think it means it is time to move on from this space.

But a quick update, before I go. Last we met, I was thinking of going to the far away clinic to give it one more fresh cycle try. Well, that didn't happen. After reviewing the cost, even with our amazing full-coverage insurance, it would have been 15-20k out of pocket. Ouch, right? I just could not justify spending that kind of cash on my 40 year old questionable eggs. So I did a consult with a local clinic, at a place where 100% of the treatment/monitoring/etc was covered by my insurance. Meds too. I'd only have to pay copays, resulting in a few $100 spent out of pocket. Quite the contrast from the tens of thousands possibly spent at the far away clinic. I brought my protocol from the far away clinic with me, and asked if I could cycle with them doing the far away protocol. The same protocol that resulted in the Critter. They said yes.

So I did a fresh cycle this month. I seemed to stim pretty well, a few eggs shy of the Critter cycle, but still respectable. About 10-13 follies seen, all growing on pace with each other. Then my estrogen leveled off at like 1200, with several more days of stims to go. The nurse says Cetro.tide can do that, but I knew something was up. Retrieval day comes, and my suspicions are right on target.

Of all those follicles seen, at least half were empty and only 6 eggs retireved. Of those, 4 were mature. And NONE fertilized normally. Zip, zero, nada. We didn't even make it to Day 1. How's that for a sign that my eggs are now total crap?

Honestly, if I could not have the outcome of a live healthy baby, then this outcome was my next choice. I wanted a clear answer, a clear direction, and eggs that turn to mush is about as clear as it gets. Much better than iffy betas, or even worse, miscarriage. No "what ifs" here. Which is kind of a relief.

And with that, our family is complete. My fertility journey is over. Its been quite the ride. A ride that resulted in the Critter, so I wouldn't trade it for anything (well, maybe trade it for sex = baby). But I am ready to be done now, ready to have caffeine and drink wine and sit in hot tubs and live my life without fear of hurting my fertility.

And so, I think it is time to shut down this space too. Clearly, I've been terrible about posting, as my mind is elsewhere these days. Like on getting the Critter ready for preschool at Montessori in less than 2 weeks!! And losing some of this weight I've gained over all these stims cycles. I still keep up with some of my close bloggy friends, and I'm sure that will continue, even if I'm not great about commenting. And if anyone knows of a way to get a blog printed out (and bound like a book? does someone on the internet do that?), please let me know. I want to keep this record of the journey forever, perhaps to share with the Critter when she's older.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, to all of you that have shared this crazy journey with me. There is no way I would be here without all the support and love. Best wishes.

Peace out.

good...i guess

I'm home. So happy to be back home. That was a hard trip for me to take alone, given my state of uncertainty. Mr. P stayed home with the Critter, and I went alone to have my lady bits poked and prodded.

The ODWU went well. It was good...I guess. My ovaries did not shrivel up and turn to dust the moment I turned 40, so that's good news. My AFC is about the same as it always is, it was at 13 this visit. More on the right than the left, per usual. I had completely forgotten that I did blood work in October, so I didn't have to do all the big stuff again. AMH then was 0.8, not great, by not the worst they've seen, by far. Ute cam hysteroscopy was normal, as usual.

So there it is - I am just slightly less fertile than I was when I made the Critter. Basically the same as then.

I should be jumping for joy. And there is part of me that is. But some of me is sort of...meh. And another part that is just plain ole pissed off.

I expressed my meh-ness to my nurse, who said to me, "Ya know, this is all voluntary. No one is forcing you to cycle again." Which is very true. Mr. P is not forcing me, no one is. My response to her was that I wanted the end result, not the process. And that's it in a nutshell, isn't it?

I want to be a normal fertile person, and fuck, it is really pissing me off that I have to go through all the crap, time, expense, heartache, just to complete my family. Which could very well already be complete, my own desires be damned.

So that's where I am. Mad at the universe for my infertility. Right back to fucking square one.

Is this thing still on?

Wow. So that was a blog break, huh?

It was not intentional, such a long break. It just sort of happened. Life took over, with moving (good gravy, moving sucks), unpacking (still ongoing, 3+ months later, yikes), a birthday (40. Poop.) and well, just living. Then weeks away turned into months away, and then it was hard to think about what to say when (if?) I posted again. You know how that is? You let so much time elapse that it becomes harder and harder to restart? Just me? Hmmm.

But here I am, back again. Wanna know why? I'll give you a hint. This is an IF blog.

Yup. Here we go again.

In fact, I'm writing this from the far-away city. I'm in a hotel, a few short miles from the far-away clinic. And I am a few short hours away from enduring yet another (good lord, is this my 3rd??) one day workup.

To say I have mixed feeling about this is a gross understatement. On the one hand, I would love nothing more than to have another child. To make the Critter a big sister, a role which I am absolutely sure she would rock. To get to do it all again, one last time. No question, I want that. And if it were an easy prospect, I would want it badly. But since it has proved to not be an easy prospect, well. Let's just say I've shielded my heart enough to just want it, without the badly part. Most days.

But as I was flying here, bumping along in a crowded plane alone, I thought to myself, "What in the fuck am I doing?? I should be home with my daughter." And all the conflicted thoughts came pouring out. I'm way too old for this (shit, I should have covered my grey roots before this trip). How am I going to manage caring for my daughter while going through all the crazy that is a fresh cycle? The monitoring? The hormones? The bloating? How??

I told Mr. P before I left that I go into tomorrow in reconnaissance mode. It is a fact finding mission, to see if doing a fresh cycle at my age, in my current state (feeling fat and slow), is even in the cards. I'm not totally committed to going through this yet, and I want to see my workup results before agreeing to anything. And I have to admit, there is part of me that wants this workup to tell me to just stop. Crap AFC, fucked up hormones. Something that makes Dr. Famous tell me that he would not proceed with my eggs. That would be all I need. All I need to be ok with walking away.

I told my OB a few weeks back during my annual that this cycle will be a very expensive stab at closure. Maybe that is what this is. Seeking closure, seeking the ok to stop. Because one thing I have realized in the last few days I have lost the hope. I mean I must have some. I'm here, aren't I? But the hope is at an all time low. Closure, that's what I'm after these days.

Closure in the form of a wailing newborn? Well, that would be a nicer form of closure than what I'm predicting will actually happen.

2 years ago today

Two years ago today the Critter made her entrance into our life. Butt first, peeing all over the doctor before issuing a hearty wail. I remember it clearly, waiting for that wail. The signal that it just might all be ok, finally, for once.

Of course, then she ended up in the ICU for a few days with some pretty major jaundice. And then we endured breastfeeding trials, mastitis, and some bumpy hormonal post-partum crazies. And her first solid foods, sitting up, teething, cruising, babbling, walking and talking.

Here we are, 2 full years later. The Critter has become, as we have told her now, "no longer a baby, now you're a big girl!" And she is. She has been talking so much, lots of 3 word sentences, real subject-verb sentences, maybe with an adjective thrown in. She has been peeing in her potty every night (that whole potty training thing deserves another post - suffice to say, I'm not ready to start for real til after we move). She has a sense of humor, and loves nothing more than to be "a silly goose" to make Mama laugh. She loves music, to dance, to sing along with Rock-n-Roll Elmo, his microphone in her hand.

Putting her to bed tonight, after our fun-filled day of a birthday balloon, Gymbo class, lunch with Nana, a cupcake with two candles, and lots of singing Happy Birthday, my heart just swelled. We are so lucky to have such a sweet girl, such a great disposition she has. I am so lucky to stay home with her, to get to witness her daily growth, all the new things she does. I could not be more happy to be her mother, for her to be my baby, even if she is becoming a big girl.

Today is a lucky day. Just as it was two years ago. Luckiest day of my life.

Happy (belated) New Year

I'm a terrible blogger. And I state the obvious way too much.

Moving on.

A new year. I'm very curious to see where this year will take us, our little family. The years of IF torture, well, they were stagnant years. Wanting to move forward with our lives, but couldn't.

Then the Critter, my sweet, wonderful girl came into our lives - 2 years ago next week. And we have been getting used to the new normal, the new lives we inhabit now as a family of three (really four, including Umps the cat). It has been great. Simple as that.

But this year, 2013, it may hold the biggest changes we've been through yet. Mr. P is getting his career in order, and will have much more flexibility in his current job, while also pursuing a start-up thing on the side. I'm proud of him, he is taking some risks, and so far things seem to be paying off. He will be around more, more involved in our daily lives, which is always a good thing.

We are also moving to the 'burbs. In like 3 weeks. On my birthday. OMG, we are going to be suburbanites. My dear Mr. P has never lived outside the city limits before. Seriously, he has lived in a very urban environment his entire life. I think he is more excited than anyone. I'm looking forward to more space. I will actually have a pantry - I cannot even begin to describe my excitement over having a real honest-to-goodness pantry. My heart flutters just writing that. So yeah, major life change happening there, in just a few weeks.

And then there is the whole baby-making thing. I am thinking I am ready to try IVF, the one more time. I know I keep waffling around about this. But I guess right now, in this moment at least, it just feels like things are lining up that we could really give it a try. The Critter would just be such a good big sister, I feel like for her at the least, we need to try.

So yeah, this could be a big year for us. Exciting times.

our conversation

I needed to get that last post off the top - blech. Not that I have much to write about now, but I just felt compelled to get it off.

Soooo, how are you doing? What's new? Yeah? That sounds interesting, tell me more.

Oh, I'm ok. Just the same old stuff around here. Yeah, Critter is great, she only sort of understands this whole Christmas thing. Yeah, she is sort of scared of Santa still, but conversely has become obsessed with the "Twas the Night Before Christmas" book she got last year. She looks at Santa with fear and awe. I guess that's about right.

Me? Oh, I'm fine. Still freaked out by people, crowds, but whatever, I'll get over it I guess. My ovaries? Eh, they are the same too. Still not sure about the whole cycle again thing. Yeah, me and Mr. P have talked about it again, but no forward movement really. He seems more amenable to the idea now, for sure. I think I'm the one really dragging my feet at this point.

Holiday plans? Yeah, we are travelling Back East to see my family for Xmas. Not looking forward to the crowded airports, but I think it will be nice to see my family for the holidays. It has been several years since we went Back East for a major holiday. That's what infertility and a new baby will do to you.

So, yeah. It was good to chat with you. Let's not wait so long next time to catch up, ok? Hugs.



(p.s. - you are supposed to leave your half of our conversation in the comments)

traumatized

I went to the grocery store on Sunday. We were out of everything, it had to be done. I went to my local store, during the football game, so it wouldn't be too crowded.

I noticed when I walked into the store, I felt nervous. Fluttery stomach, heart beating fast. I glanced around, looking suspiciously at everyone. I moved quickly and was way too hyper-vigilant about my surroundings.

I got everything I needed as fast as I could and was happy to leave the store.

How messed up is that?

I live half a country away from the East Coast, from Connecticut. I do not know anyone, or know anyone who knows anyone, directly involved. I don't do Facebook, Twitter or any other of that over-connected crap. I've limited my news consumption since Friday, trying hard not to exposed myself to sad or gory details that could further traumatize me.

But that's the rub, isn't it? I'm already traumatized. I'm affected. I'm anxious in crowds now. I'm distrustful of others. I just want to stay home.

And it's not just Connecticut, it's Oregon too. It's Texas, it's Colorado. It's everywhere, it seems.

I'm having a hard time with this, more so than I ever have before. How do you move on? Mel talked of faith and I commented on her blog that faith is one thing I generally lack. It's true, I'm not a faith-based person. I struggle with "just believing" in something. I want proof, I want fact. And right now, the facts point me in a very scary direction.

I tell myself it will all be ok, that we will all be ok. I'm hoping it will sink in at some point and feel more true than it does right now.

rocked

I was in Nordstrom today. I was finishing what I call a "power shop" when I have a very limited amount of time (like 45 min start to finish) to get something very specific. Today it was tops, both casual and could-be-dressed-up to wear this winter.

I was at the checkout line, chatting with my super-helpful sales lady (the main reason I love Nordstrom, the sales people there rock) and congratulating myself for successfully getting 4 items, when a customer across the counter from us starts recounting the horror.

"Some reports of almost 30 dead," he says, shaking his head. "I heard many are kids."

My ears raised. "What happened?" I asked naively. My sales lady just shook her head.

Another salesperson helping that man said, "I heard he went in, killed the principal, then the vice principal, then the school counselor, then went into a kindergarten class and shot all the kids."

My stomach dropped. I thought I was going to puke on the saleslady. "Where?" was all I could muster.

"Delaware?" she said. "No, Connecticut."

I finished my transaction in a daze, and shakily made my way out of the store. Glancing around at everyone else, wondering if they knew. Wondering how they felt. Wondering if they carried a gun. Wondering if they too wanted to harm us all. All I wanted to do was get out of the crowds. Fast.

I've worked in education. I've been both an elementary and pre-school teacher. I've worked in mental health, in schools. I've worked in higher education, both in administration and teaching.

This is my world, the world I know. Safe places, or at least they were. Schools.

And now I'm a mom, of a kid that will be going to pre-school, then kindergarten. In a school. A supposedly safe place for her to learn and grow.

But now, still nauseasous from this horrid news, how can I let her go out in this fucked up world? What is wrong with people? Why, good lord, why would someone want to shoot kindergartners? What kind of world is this? How can my dear Critter be exposed to this? Be hurt by this?

I can't even begin to fathom where the parents are tonight. What they are doing, how they are surviving this. It has made me sick, physically sick. My heart aches for them, for the kids that survived, for those that bore witness to this absolute madness.

Tonight I am sad. Scared, too. Sad and scared for this world.

23 months

This is it, Critter Girl. The last time I can talk about your age in months, without people thinking it is weird. Honestly, I've been saying "She'll be two in January" for a few months now, because 23 months just sounds sort of odd to my ears. You are almost 2! Let's see what this month brought us:

Singing! You are starting to sing! You like to sing the Thomas song ("Thomas and his Frieeeeends!") and Twinkle, Twinkle and the ABC song. Granted, I don't know if anyone else would call what you are doing singing, let along recognize the song, but Momma knows. You are doubly excited when I sing with you. It is very cute.

Another molar! Oy, it has been back to drooly, gooey, chewy Critter again with these darn 2-year molars coming in. You even told me it hurt one day. Poor girl. Your sleep has been a bit off, especially falling asleep at night, and I think it is because your teeth hurt. This is you other bottom molar. I cannot see the tops ones at all (I've tried!) so maybe them too. Gosh, I hope so, I'm ready to be done with the teething. I'm sure you are too.

Tantrums? I don't know if they fully qualify as tantrums, as they pretty much only last like 30 seconds, but you are certainly becoming more frustrated with things lately. You will throw your hands in the air in frustration (and send whatever was in your hands flying) and make a frustrated grunting noise. You are easily distracted from this frustration, and it doesn't last long, but it sure looks like the first of the "terrible twos" I've been warned about. Let's hope it stays like this.

I was looking at last year's Xmas card picture of you, and cannot believe the changes in you, in just this one year. You look so much like a kid now, compared to that baby from last year. You walk, you talk, you have opinions. You are a little person now. But you'll always and forever be my baby. I'm so happy to be here, watching you grow and change ever day. I love you, my sweetest of sweet Critter Girl.

Please help her out!!

My dear bloggy friend Patience has just matched with an expectant birth mom! If you don't already read her blog, Searching for the Missing Piece, she has been down a looooong IF road. She is a wonderfully supportive and kind lady, and I'm just so very excited for her!

So please check out her Etsy shop and Good Wishes page, and if you can, help out.

Danka!

Wavering

I'm not sure exactly when it happened, but I've found myself wavering in the last few weeks. Back and forth, back and forth, and back again.

As the time begins to draw near to make a decision about doing the hail-mary cycle, I'm wavering.

I sort of thought this might happen. As the sting of the two FET failures this summer wears off, I am thinking more rationally about cycling again. Not just FET prep, mind you, but full-on cycling. Like at least a week, probably more, away at the far-away clinic. With a toddler. At 40 years old. With semi-crappy eggs and potentially crappy lining.

It just seems like a daunting task, one I'm not 100% sure I'm up for anymore.

But then I see all the moms in the Critter's Gymbo class, pregnant and managing to raise a toddler too. And I think, hey, I can do that too! But then I have to remind myself, it is most likely that they did not have to go to the far away clinic (or any clinic, for that matter) and pay all the money and inject all the crazy-making hormones and go through all the hoops to get that pretty belly bump. Which I think makes a difference.

I dunno. I'm wavering. It's true.

again.

Good lord help me, it happened again. AGAIN.

Do you long-time readers remember my friend that had the whoopsie pregnancy a few months before their wedding? The girl that tried to pretend she wasn't 5 months pregnant in her wedding dress? Who got pregnant at 40, without even trying? Who then had their second kid (on their first try, mind you) 17 months later?

Can you guess where this is going? Yeah. Uh huh.

Baby #3, due in April. Mind you, she will be flirting with 43 at delivery. ARGH!

Oh, and to add insult to my already super-green-with-jealousy injury, they weren't even trying. Another fucking whoopsie. Which is shocking to me, given they should know how babies are made by this point. And of course they are, among our friends, voted most likely to divorce or kill each other. So glad they are bringing yet another child into the chaos that is their life.

Now they will have three kids under 3.

Fuck me.

Good times

Our first family vacation was a resounding success. It was so fun to see my sweet Critter Girl ask to go to the beach every day, and her eyes light up when she sees her swimsuit. She knows what that suit means - FUN!

She is so great on the airplane, a born traveler. I think the key is we get her her own seat, and she sits in her own car seat. It's familiar, she is used to being in it. She's used to having to stay in it for periods of time. And I don't have a squirming toddler in my lap. It is worth every penny of airfare to get her her own seat. Mr. P even registered her for her own frequent flier number. We use this awesome wheelie thing to wheel her ginourmous carseat through the airport. It can even be used with her in it - like a stroller. Genius.

She loved loved loved the beach - a girl after my own heart. Mr. P and I are warm weather people, and vacation can only mean one thing to us - beach. And Critter is no different it seems.

Now that we all happily survived our first vacation, e are already thinking about the next time. Good times, very good times.

22 months

Almost 2 years! I can't begin to believe it is only 2 months until you are two. Time really does fly when we are having so much fun! Let's see what happened this month...

Critter's Turn! You use this phrase a lot now. You have gotten the idea of taking turns, and you will tell me when it is my turn, or your turn, or your teddy bear's turn. Sometimes though, it is only your turn, forever. Working on sharing still.

Cry! You now say "cry" in the saddest voice when you are upset about something, particularly when Dada leaves for work. You'll say, "Dada leaving. Cry." And then sort of pout, sniffle, look sad, lay on the floor. Sometimes you actually cry too. I still think it is so cute, even though you are sad.

Regression. I don't know why, but you have regressed in some ways this month. You are having major separation anxiety again, after we were over that for a few months. I have to reassure you endlessly that even though Mama leaves, Mama always comes back. You want me in eye-shot at all times. Honestly, it has been a bit exhausting for Mama. I'm hoping we get through this phase soon.

Molars! You went for your first dentist visit this month. You did a nice job, I mean you screamed while they actually examined and cleaned your teeth, but you recovered well and didn't seem too upset. You now have 17 of your 20 baby teeth, because your first 2-year molar has already arrived. I knew something was up, you've been chewing everything in sight. It's hard to get a good look all the way back in your mouth though, so I'm not sure if any more have come in or are about to. Have to wait and see.

Another fun month, sweet Critter Girl. Gotta start planning that 2 year birthday party!!

Vacation

Sorry for the radio silence. I'm in a blog funk I guess. We are not really doing anything with the TTC/IVF/far away clinic stuff right now, so my mind is elsewhere.

Elsewhere, like Florida!! We leave on Sunday for a 6 night trip to the Gulf Coast. To say I'm excited would be an understatement. We haven't taken a family vacation (other than to visit family, which does not count as vacation) since the Critter was born. Long overdue, if you ask me.

It was originally going to coincide with a conference that Mr. P was attending. However, he dropped out of the conference (too long of a his-work-drama story) so now it is a real family vacation. I'm so excited for the Critter though. She has no idea what's coming.

For a girl that likes water as much as she does, there is a kiddie pool and the beach. I think just those two things will keep us busy for the entire week. Endless sandbox? Unlimited water? Done and done.

So bon voyage! See ya later, gators!

Day 3 results

Where does the time go? It's a mystery.

Anyway, I finally got my Day 3 testing results back. Just to show how different things are these days, I FedExed my blood back to the far away clinic last Wednesday, like a week ago Wednesday, and just got the results yesterday. Like 8 days later. Which just goes to show you, I'm not the same on-top-of-it girl I once was.

And just to show you I really have no clue what I'm talking about anymore, they don't test my TSH like I thought in my last post, but FSH. Duh. Oh yeah, I remember that FSH now.

(Question for all you smart endocrine girls out there - MTL, I'm looking at you - is FSH or any of these hormones tested at all altered by taking the syn.throid? Just wondering.)

So it was not as bad as I feared, which isn't to say it was all good either. FSH was 9.6, e2 was 23, LH was 3.8. So those are all good, within desired ranges. The bad news is my AMH has tanked to 0.8. Granted, this is expected with aging, but still doesn't bode well for retrieving lots of eggs. And as a reference, my AMH was 2.4 in '09.

Dr. Famous wants to have me on the same protocol I did in Jan '10, the same protocol that produced the Critter. Making sure to include the HGH, which I did last time too. No Tour de France win for me.

Again, I think we are not gonna cycle til the Spring (March? April?), but I'm glad these labs are done. One less thing, ya know? I'm still feeling a bit...Overwhelmed? Ambivalent? Detached? Scared?...about it all. I want the kid, I'm just not so sure I want all the drama that comes with making the kid. But such is life, and I must inject the bad in my ass to get the good, sweet-smelling, spit-uppiness that I crave.

not like riding a bike at all

When I contacted my nurse at the far away clinic to see about the logistics of cycling again, I ended the email by saying how it had been a while since I've cycled, and to give me any information I forgot to even ask about.

It's true, it feels like FOREVER and three days since I've done this. Almost three years, if you want an accurate number. January 2010. It is amazing how the mind works too. I have blocked out so much, forgotten all the crap that goes along with cycling in general, and cycling at the far away clinic, specifically.

Like Day 3 labs. Huh, forgot all about those. TSH (which given I'm on thyroid meds should be in a nice acceptable range), e2, LH, and AMH. I've forgotten what they all mean, what levels I should have, I've forgotten all of it. I used to live and die by these numbers, and now...poof, it's all gone. And of course the far away clinic will only let their lab run these tests, so I have to get a blood shipping kit sent to me, get the blood drawn on the right day, freeze it and ship it back to them. Which of course costs money, out of pocket money. Sigh, I forgot just how fast everything rings up there.

Honestly, I feel a bit overwhelmed getting back into this again. I don't have the time or energy to care as much as I used to, to be on top of things like that. And the cost, well, it weighs on me more now than it ever did before. Money that could be going to our house fund, or to stuff for the Critter.

I thought today, as I was working to get this shipping kit sent to me, that if my labs come back as total shit, maybe that will be enough for me to end this. But then I realized I have no idea what total shit labs would even look like!

It is beginning to feel a bit crazy around here. Stay tuned.

21 months

Happy 21st, Critter Girl! You are become more and more of a person, with all that goes along with that, every day. Let's see what highlights there are this month...

3 words! And real sentences! Your language development continues to amaze me. You regularly chain two words together now, everything gets an adjective it seems: big truck, hot coffee, fluffy cat. And you have begun using phrases like "I like it." With about 85% accuracy on that one too! Every day more strings of words. And you like playing around with plural, so you count every thing: "One cherry, two cherries!" Lots of counting around here.

Swimming! To continue with your love of all things water, we went swimming together in a real pool this month. You've been in kiddie pools, and zero depth, where you can walk in on your own and it is only waist deep on you. But now we have an indoor pool to go to for the winter, and of course, you love it. You have no fear of the water still (which can scare Momma quite a bit), and you love to splash, watch Momma blow bubbles, kick your legs, wave your arms underwater, and generally enjoy the water. I hope you love water as much as I do your whole life.

The Tower! You got to the point in the kitchen that Momma or Dada couldn't do anything with you whining to be picked up so you could see the action. So we caved in and got you an observation tower. You love it, and you can get in and out of it yourself no problem. You helped me make tomato sauce today, you like to play in the sink, you and Dada now can make waffles so much easier. Great purchase, for everyone.

I am having so much fun getting to know you every day. Your personality is emerging as sweet, happy, a bit shy, and very smart. I love you, my sweet Critter Girl.

anniversary present

It was Mr. P and my anniversary last week. 6 years married, and about 6 more together before we got married, but hey, who's counting at this point?? We celebrated on Saturday by going out to dinner at a place we had both wanted to try for a while. We got reservations several weeks ago, and I was really been looking forward to a date night out.

So we are having a nice dinner, we ate some really yummy stuff, had some nice cocktails and wine (ahhh, booze, so nice to have you in my life again!) and nice conversation. Then there is a natural lull in the conversation, I think I had my mouth full of some delicious octopus, and out blurts Mr. P, "Let's do it!"

I look up at him and say, "What?" with my full mouth. Swallow and smile a bit. He says, "You know what." And I smile more.

I ask him if he is sure, and what made him change his mind. He said it wasn't really a change of mind, but more of a chance to think about it more (he is totally the one in our relationship that thinks things through over time, unlike me who just jumps right in). He said that while work is total crap right now, he doesn't want his work to determine if we should try to grow our family. We will make it work, regardless of his work situation. Then he just said, "And the Critter is just so awesome, how could we not?"

That's exactly my point. How could we not try?

So we are back in the game, people. I have an email in to my nurse at the far away clinic to discuss logistics of a final cycle in Feb/March. I think we will skip the genetic testing this time around - it is so expensive, and honestly didn't give me too much great info last time - so maybe a fresh transfer too? I'm not sure with the depot loopyron if that is an option.

I'm excited. Trying not to be too hopeful. But definitely excited.

coming out?

I was at the park yesterday with the Critter Girl, and we were joined in the sandbox by a girl I guessed to be about Critter's age, maybe a few months older. And then her mother and baby brother came over too, and the mom and I started chatting, as moms at the park are apt to do.

We chatted about the girls ages (they were in fact 5 months apart), kids clothing we liked, her work (she works 4 days and is home Fridays with the kids), me being a SAHM, blah, blah, blah. It was a nice, easy conversation, I enjoyed talking with her while the girls led us all over the playground.

While we were pushing the girls on the swings she asked me if we were interested in having another child. Innocent question, and fit in with the flow of the conversation. I think she had been talking about how her son came a little quicker than she thought he would. It didn't seem intrusive or odd that she asked.

I replied that we would love to have another child or two, but life may not work out the way we want it to. I said that the Critter was hard-won, and it took almost 4 years to get her. While I didn't say the word infertile, I clearly conveyed it.

I think she was a bit surprised to hear this, I mean who says this out loud? But she was very nice, and said how the Critter is all the more special for it and gave us a nice smile.

We went on talking about other mommy things, and then it was time to go. We said our goodbyes, and hoped to meet up on another Friday when she was home from work.

I strolled the Critter home, thinking about what I had said. I don't know if I'd ever acknowledged my infertility to someone who was not a close friend or family member. It was a first for me, and I must say, it felt nice to be honest. To admit that having a child/ren can be hard, if not impossible. To spread the awareness a bit.