I have not POAS yet.
And I'm now thinking I might not until Sunday, before the blood draw.
I asked DH last night, and again this morning if he thought I should POAS today, while he was still in town. He said that if I really wanted to I could, but he wishes I wouldn't. He doesn't want me sad while he's not here, and he is scared about getting a false negative.
I had dreams last night of POASing. And they were all positive, happy results. It was nice. But today...today I am feeling like there is no way this FET worked. I don't know what's come over me, but I'm just feeling sad today, and losing my hope. Maybe it's just PTSD from every other beta experience we've had (all negative). Maybe my body knows something that it is only sharing with my emotions. I'm not sure, but I'm feeling today like it is over.
So I don't think I want to know that for sure without DH being here. So I'll test with the FMU on Sunday, go for my bloodwork, and DH should be home to pick me up off the floor around 10 or 11am. We'll wait for the call of doom together.
Sigh, I'm tearing up as I write this. I was doing so well this week, and now I'm just hopeless. Damn.
I haven't cried in so long, not over IF. But here it is. Tears again.
I hate beta.
Repeat: Cold Peace
1 day ago
I remember these feelings like it was yesterday! If you remember, I did test early, but all BFNs. Then I started bleeding before beta. I just knew it was over, I cried my head off. I also had no symptoms pointing to being pg. I was completely and utterly shocked when the nurse announced I was pg. Hang in there, I know this is a very tough time. I hope and hope and hope some more that you get the shock of your life as I did. Big hugs!
ReplyDeleteOh, Pie. I'm so sorry you are feeling like this didn't work. Don't give up hope just yet. I know it's hard, but hang in there. I am glad that you and DH worked out a plan for POAS. At least that is something off your mind. And if you want/need to cry, you go right ahead. There's nothing good that comes from holding it all in. I'm sending you some major (((hugs))).
ReplyDeleteHopefully you'll be waiting for the call of success together. Good luck - he waiting is so damn hard!
ReplyDeleteOh Pie, I'm sorry that this whole waiting thing has you all stressed out, although I totally understand it.
ReplyDeleteFWIW, I think that not testing is the right answer. Because it's never 100% and then you just jerk your emotions around even more.
You are going to be fine, and I have high hopes that this is going to turn out better than "fine".
Thinking of you.
I'm so sorry, Pie--this whole process is just so hard. I'm the same way. I always think I know what the outcome is going to be looong before I have any concrete evidence one way or the other. The bottom line is we can *never* know for sure until we get the beta (and sometimes even that isn't accurate!).
ReplyDeleteRemember--you've done everything right and there's every reason to expect that this time is going to be different.
Hang in there. I'm keeping you in my thoughts.
I hate beta too. The 2ww is agonizing. We read into each and every little symptom trying to make heads or tails of it. It sucks. My mind always plays tricks on me and makes me second guess everything. The truth is, we just don't know at this point. Try and hang on, its only a few more days. I am so hoping this works for you. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry that you are having such a hard time with the waiting - it is inevitable. But you have every reason to be hopeful, and every right to be sad. I just hope that the time passes quickly and you'll get the results you are hoping for on Sunday. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteReally sucks that you are feeling this way. If it makes you feel any better I felt the exact same way before my BFP so maybe it's just your hormones playing with you. Try to enjoy your weekend.
ReplyDeleteHaving a beta on Mother's Day should be considered cruel and unusual punishment. I don't think that your body is telling your emotions something, I just think that you are doing what we all have done, protecting your heart and mind in case of bad news. I'm sending all of my good thoughts and positive vibes your way and I'll be thinking of you on Sunday.
ReplyDeleteUgh. this is so so hard. I'm wishing you can get to the beta day quickly because all this waiting is just too much for anyone. and of course, I'm wishing you get a positive. I'm sorry you're losing hope - try to remember if you can that those are feelings - not facts. For facts you have to wait to POAS or for beta day. The rest are just hopes and fears that will drive you crazy. (or that's what happens for me at least...)
ReplyDeleteI was so concerned about you when I read your post late last night... Was hoping you'd post today, too, and say you've turned the corner back towards hope. I don't normally do sports analogies but it seems like maybe you're on the final uphill stretch of a long race, and you think you can't make it because you're so tired at the moment, but as soon as you start heading downhill, you gain confidence and realize you can do it. That is what I wish for you. To gain confidence on that final stretch of the race tomorrow. Let yourself cry if that's what you need but when your eyes are dry again, see if you can BELIEVE again that this is possible. "This" being a BFP! Lots of people are standing on the sidelines cheering you on. Hope you fill your Saturday with some things that might get your mind off things. Hugs!!
ReplyDelete