It is happening.
After almost a year since making the decision to transfer to the far away clinic, we are approaching our first transfer with them.
Think of it - a year's worth of waiting - but not a 2ww in all of that time. I've cycled twice. Two retrievals. Two waits for genetic testing results. Two months of depot loopyron treatment. But never a 2ww. Never the possibility of actually getting what I really want - which is to be pregnant. To have a child.
But now I'm in the 2ww. Already. Because with this transfer, it is really only a 9dw.
And boy oh boy, am I getting a little nutso. On one hand, I am already thinking way too positive thoughts about this, being all hopeful and shit. Not good. I start imagining telling my family, my friends. I start thinking how I'll be pregnant for this event or that one.
Very dangerous territory.
And when I catch myself doing this, thinking these happy thoughts, I get angry at myself. Haven't I learned anything over that last 3 years?? Haven't I learned from past experience that beta + me = bad? Where does this stupid hope come from? Why can't it leave me alone and let me be prepared for the bad news?
Sigh. I am so hopeful, so scared, so optimistic, so negative. All rolled into one soon-to-be PUPO girl.
Keep breathing. You'll live, Pie, one way or the other. I just really hope it's the one way, and not the other.
Repeat: Cold Peace
1 day ago
I'm thinking nothing but positive happy thoughts for you!!!
ReplyDeleteI hope it's the one way & not the other, too. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeletePie, I can't help but be hopeful for you, too. You've done so much waiting already, just a bit longer. Thinking of you.
ReplyDeleteWishing you luck, with a little bit of hope and peace thrown in!
ReplyDeleteBest of luck!
ReplyDeleteLots of "twos" in this blog entry... two cycles, two waits for genetic test results, two months of awesome DL, already being in the 2-week-wait, and next... Two Lines!
ReplyDeleteI am so familiar with all those thoughts running through your brain. I'm very hopeful for you, too. And as much as I hate hope, it's what gets us to push onward and upward. Without it, we might as well just stop dead in our tracks. So keep the hope alive just enough to get you through. I'll be lugging around the dump truck full of hope for you!
ReplyDeleteOk, not to blow sunshine but even I had a lot of hope and started thinking those 'announcement' thoughts prior to our fifth IVF and we only had some sad little untested day 3s to transfer...but really, isn't it more fun to go into a transfer hopeful and excited, because how can you not be? Even with all you've been through, this time is different..so different! There are amazing stats supporting your fellow CGH gals and you are going to join them very soon, I just know! So have hope, get excited, and get out there and get those embryos!
ReplyDeletePS and yes, you will live one way or another...but we are all pulling for you to be the ONE WAY you have so been waiting for!
I am so hopeful for you too Pie! It is the happy thoughts and future plans that get us through all of this stuff. You have been waiting a long time just for this chance to wait too more weeks. I wish you everything you hope for!
ReplyDeleteI have good thoughts about this cycle. I know the feeling all to well about planning for the future, and being let down, but I hope (and think) that this time will be different. I am so hoping you finally get your positive beta.
ReplyDeleteOh dear, I say let yourself go with the happy thoughts! But is there a way to be happy about the present? I agree that envisioning specific upcoming events is a recipe for depression when those events come along if you don't get a BFP. In terms of being happy about the present, I sort of decided that I was going to be as happy as I can be while I'm PUPO because it could quite possibly be the only "pregnant" I ever am. If that is so, I'd rather be able to look back on these 9 days as happy ones. I wish I could give you a switch that would turn off the fearful emotions. Hang in there, Pie! I have a good feeling about this for you.
ReplyDeleteThats so funny that you are already in the 2ww and you haven't even had the transfer yet!! you are amazing!
ReplyDeleteOh, I am with you 100% on the unfounded hope springing up out of nowhere. I had a dose of that today and had to reign it in and knock some sense into me.
But hey.. whats wrong with having hope really? I think you've waited so long to be where you are now and I believe all those things you have done in the last 2 years have put you in a better position to be hopeful than 2 years ago. So let youself dream...it could very well be a reality very soon Pie!!