I'm starting to worry again.
I go in for my lining check on Saturday, and I'm very worried this will not go well. I'm not sure why - well that's not true, I know why - but logically, I've never had trouble with getting a thick lining, or getting a triple-stripe pattern.
So why am I so worried? Because I'm scarred. The last 3 years of trying have scarred me. I expect the worst, and I certainly have learned by now that when it comes time to transfer, and then to be in a 2ww...well, that always ends in a BFN.
Every time.
I logically know that things are different this time. My brain knows these are blasts. Even better, they are euploid blasts. And I've done this treatment for the sticky lining thing, so that's in my favor too. All good things to up my odds substantially.
But my heart, my battle-scarred heart? Well, it is terrified. I haven't been in a 2ww in almost a year. But I certainly remember all too well the wait, which is inevitably followed by bad news. I don't know anything else. It always ends badly.
Sigh. I've been waiting for this time, this transfer for so long. Counting down months, weeks, days. But now that it is fast-approaching, I'm terrified. Dreading it. Dreading the wait. And dreading the BFN that I am convinced will be coming my way.
Put me to sleep, and wake me up when I'm in labor after my healthy pregnancy of 39 weeks. OK? Is that too much to ask for?
Repeat: Cold Peace
1 day ago
I totally, utterly get this. It is wonderful to have the euploid blasts...but then it feels like there is so much farther to fall, so much more disappointment if it doesn't work. And it's so easy to imagine it not working. Because we're scarred from all we've been through. The only way to get beyond those fears is to make it through the two week wait. This time, I am really really hoping, you will have GOOD news : ) This time, odds are on your side.
ReplyDeleteMo
Thinking of you!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI know the feeling...well,not the feeling of euploid blasts but the feeling of every single 2ww ending in bad news. It's hard to shake. But you've got to dig down deep, really deep if necessary, and find that little shred of hope because I know it's there! It's what propelled you forward to go through these CCRM cycles, the hope that you would at long last have your biological baby, and I do think you're going to get one, or two, or three! Hang in there, we're all rooting for you.
ReplyDeleteI sooooo understand what you're feeling. This is exactly what I was feeling on my last attempt. I was beyond shocked that it worked. It really is different this time, use that as your hope. It makes a huge difference doing an FET with normal blasts. I had never once been pg before transferring my 1 normal blast. Rooting you on! This is going to be it!
ReplyDeleteIt's all so scary. And scarring. I hate it.
ReplyDeleteThough I haven't suffered the same losses and failures as you have, I can understand your trepidation. I mean, look at all you've been through to get here???? Or course you're freaked out!
But I have faith in your body and your beautiful euploid blasts. I haven't a doubt that at least 1 of them will be calling you "mom" sooner than you expect.
Hope is a bitch. Because once you let it in, even the tiniest bit, there is the possibility for real hurt, and you know what that feels like, and frankly, well, it sucks beyond what you can put into words. But try to let a little bit in, and try to fill your 2ww with things that force relaxation (acupuncture, long walks outside) and forgetting (novels, movies, the entire series of The Wire on netflix) and hopefully it won't be too bad.
ReplyDeleteBecause I'm hoping like hell that the little bit of hope isn't misplaced and that you and your lovely blastocysts make a lovely family.
*sending you good thoughts and good luck*
ReplyDeleteI really believe that everything is aligned for you. I know you might not want to hear that, because of all you've been through and all the times hope has come crashing down with a BFN, but I have to trust that you are with one of the best REs in the country and so, so many things in your favor this time around. Hang in there, Pie!
ReplyDeleteOY, I could have written every word. I feel like my whole life is a holding pattern. I really hope that your lining will pass the check and that your cycle will be successful.
ReplyDeleteI totally hear you. I wish I had some sage words to offer, but all I can really say is that I completely relate. We're getting ready to do a transfer and I'm in pretty much the same place. If you figure out a way to fast-forward through the first 39 weeks, please let me know! :-)
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry, Pie. I know how you feel. I'm teetering on the edge myself. I'm pushing the fear down inside of me, determined to be as positive as possible. Is there a way to be positive but not too hopeful? I'm trying to find that place. I'm assuming you know that you'll test 9 days after transfer... Does the <2ww make you feel better or worse? Hang in there. I'm SO hoping this works for you! Your chances are better than ever -- tell yourself that over and over!
ReplyDeleteThis is me all over. I'm not sure what else I can say that hasn't already been said, but I totally hear you.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, I think you *are* going to succeed. In fact, I'm sure of it. If not this cycle, then the next but with all those CGH normals you will definitely get there. We may have lost the ability to think positively about our own cycles but at least we can still think positively about the chances of others. Hang in there!